2-1-00 (1:20 a.m.) Legal Disclaimer: I'm having a moment of annoyance in the general direction of the known universe. At this exact moment, I don't know myself just how much of it I mean...I'm crying as I write this, and I wish I wasn't because on top of making it hard to type and read, it makes it hard to think. That said, on with the ranting. As I was leaving S&M, I considered starting this entry: "If I ever have a good idea again, kick me in the head." This is unfair for many reasons. One, it would be taking credit for an excellent idea that wasn't entirely mine. Two, I really don't like being kicked in the head, and I doubt it would do me any good. I need to start listening to Daniel more often he's usually right. Colin and I had a discussion the other day about how Bill Watterson is the man. Every kid wants to be Calvin, Every parent has a Calvin, And (relevent to this entry) Everybody needs a Hobbes to be able to point out the dumb things they're doing, then love them and put up with them anyways. We figured out that I'm Hobbes for Joe, and I'm realizing more and more, that Daniel is my Hobbes. From this standpoint, Joe's in trouble ; ). *Deep Breath* Daniel suggested, in his unobtrusive Daniel way, that I call and let her know I'm coming. I think, probably correctly, that if I call she'll tell me not to come. I think, probably incorrectly, that in some way that my going there will do some good. Lesson for today, don't think. My day starts off not so badly. It theoretically starts around 1 a.m. with me working on my English paper, so Kate won't be pissed at me. I got effectively all the work done, short of writing it. Of course she gives me a hard time about this. More accurately, my day starts at 11 a.m. I get up, shower, shave (again a move trying to make Kate happy. Her opinion, which I've come to agree with, is that the beard I was growing looks pretty silly), and basicly make myself about as presentable as I get. I go eat at Fountain, and stop by the ATM, just in case Kate has enough time in her busy schedule to go out to eat, or do something. It's not a major deal either way, but most of the time when we can get together, it's us holding hands and talking. Not that I'm complaining, I like holding hands and talking, or I wouldn't do it. Essentially, my happiness factor jumps by a lot whenever I'm in her presence...which is why I wasn't really in a bad mood till I left S&M. But sometimes I get the feeling that she'd kind of like to be doing something else. I'm one of those people who can be content as all hell sitting by himself, quietly enjoying his solitude. Kate likes more action, adventure, going places, being with people. This is how I know things aren't going great when she spends 3 hours in the Unix lab. I don't think I ever spent that long in any of the S&M labs, if I did I was doing homework, or stalking some female. Kate didn't have any homework, and I don't think she was stalking any females. Although that might explain a lot. Basicly, I'm not sure she enjoys just spending time with me as much as I enjoy spending that time with her. I know that she really dislikes the food at PFM. So, I try to take her out when I can. Which isn't very often just because she's busy, and I'm never there. Funny how I get lost going from one thought to another. After the ATM, I go by my room to check bus schedules again, and get ready to leave. I leave, get on the bus, get to Durham, just great, couldn't be better. I'd like to take a moment to mention the number of times I seriously considered turning around and going back to my dorm, expecting that any number of things could go wrong. The main thing that kept me walking forward, metaphorically, was that the 3 people with whom I'd shared the most intimate details of my life, were all expecting me to go down there. Kate didn't know I was coming, as mentioned before, so it wouldn't have made a difference in her life. I just didn't want to have to turn around and e-mail/IM everyone and say: "Guys, I've decided to be a chicken shit like I am every other day of my life. I think I'll just walk back to my cubicle, and see what's in the IN box." I find myself in Durham with a good quantity of time before classes let out at S&M....and as I'm sitting there, wondering what I should do with this time, a car stops. It's Keri Beth, so I get in, and go to her dorm...from which I IM Daniel, who comes over. Kate comes on IMs. I make some general inquiries about her day...there was a basketball game that got cancelled, but there's still practice, and since she's not going to the game, she needs to go to chorus. An absence in chorus probably wouldn't kill her but, as she reminds me often enough, skipping class isn't a good habit to have. KB drives us there, so Kate's kind of surprised, and we chit-chat briefly...while she gets all her absence forms and runs to Basketball practice. I ask her, "If I'm still around at 8:30, you want to do something?" (8:30 being the first point at which she appears to have any freetime at all). People who know me well, could probably translate that "If" as "When." I should've seen it coming with her next statement...but I'm only smart in hindsight. "You know I can't go off-campus after 8:30." In hindsight, there were other signs, but I think that was the biggie. I made some joke about "can't" she said "I won't, let's put it that way" I indicate that I understand. I, being a stupid CSC major, read these statements as clarification of information. I'm not sure why the rules became so suddenly important this year, but that's not really a big deal. I think it was her subtle way of saying she really didn't want me to come back. Daniel and I wander around for a while...seeing this or that teacher, I actually went by and said hello to Mrs. Sikkink, who I think I mentioned before I owe a whole freaking lot to. Kate being only one of the many things I would've missed had I failed out of S&M. Finding myself with a lot of time to kill, I go with Daniel to the Duke Dining hall...which is a lot better than State's, but also more expensive and their meal plan is a pain in the butt. I appreciated the variety, a break from State food, which has been worse of late as a result of the snow and ice. Daniel and I hang out, talk, etc. About 8:15/8:20 or somewhere in there, I make my exit and head towards S&M...I go up to 2B, knock on the door...they can't find her (It's 8:40). I spend 20-30 minutes looking for her, and eventually end up back on 2B, where I learn that she was in the lounge and nobody checked. In the time I've been away, they've opened the lounge to the outside world. She's sitting in a chair, back to the door, reading Harry Potter. I come up behind her, and she notices me, says hello, asks where I've been and such. I sit down, holding her hand, and she goes back to reading. I take up watching Wrestling, which I for the record find less interesting than daytime soaps, but some 2B chick was watching it, and it's not like the TV was the reason I was there. She finishes her book, and starts to watch the Wrestling. I start making fun of the wrestlers, at one point I say something like: "wake me when it's over."...she suggests that I could "just leave" I checked my watch and determined that I could probably catch the 10:13 back to Raleigh if I left right then...I suppress this urge, realizing that it's the kind of cruel, hurtful stunt that kids pull in 2nd grade to get their parents to notice. "They'll be sorry when I get eaten by wild dogs" I sit there, and hold her hand. We watch the wrestling, I try to enjoy myself...my mind turns to mush. She asks me the time..."9:50" I respond. "Oh good, that means I can leave" whatever that means, but she puts her shoes on, sets her book down and leaves the lounge. I follow, she goes and checks her e-mail, talks to people online...I watch. At say 10:15/10:20, she gets up and we wander out into the hall...down the hallway to where Sarah, Audrey, Borjas, Amy, and Brandon (Sarah's boyfriend) are all sitting enjoying themselves...We hang out for the few minutes available to us...then I leave about the time check comes out...Kate expresses her concern for my well-being considering my route back is an area I wouldn't really want to trek through in the dark, and that's just what I'm doing. I think that's the most positive sign I got the whole time. Uneventful walk to the bus stop, no bums or anything...not that I was really paying attention. I'm still trying to figure exactly how to write this journal...I get on the bus, and the guy is kind of like "Why you gotta be going to Raleigh at this hour? I want to go to bed" I don't know what I said to him...maybe just shrugged...payed my money and sat down up at the front. He and I are the only people on the bus. He asks why I'm going so late: "I was visiting some friends" He makes several comments about partying college kids, and asks if I'm going to party when I get back. I tell him it'll probably just be me keeping up with my journal and going to bed. *silence* we sit there....At some point, I know I caught his eye in his rearview mirror. I have a habit of watching people in their reflections, and he apparently looks back periodically. He asks why sad expression? I had no idea that my face gave away so much of what I was thinking, but it apparently id. I tell him I've had a long day, he says I look like I just lost my best friend. I manage to not say: "Maybe I did" because I think this is far from the truth, but it's something that felt true. I explain that one of the major purposes of my trip was to see my girlfriend...autoresponse: "I bet she was happy to see you" my response "No, I don't think she was" "Why? 'cause you were over there last night?" "No, I actually haven't seen her in a while, it's hard for me to get down here very often" Somewhere in here, I start crying, and he apologizes for being in a bad mood. I tell him I understand. Time passes, we talk about the frozen roads, and bad driving conditions, crazy drivers, mostly I just agree with him and try to stop crying. At some point, he makes a stretch, and asks if I had a good Christmas. I say I did...He says, I bet you saw her then? Nope, we live in different cities and neither of us has cars. He says: Greyhound they'll take you anywhere for about 20 bucks. I agree more or less and mention that I try to avoid busses whenever possible, preferring to walk, but that's kind of too far to walk. We talk more about the roads. Ironically, less than a minute from the time my 11:55 alarm goes off, he asks/states "You gonna call her when you get there?" I say, actually being a residential highschool they have all sorts of rules, and the "Get your butts in your rooms" alarm just went off, so she'll be unreachable. We talk about my family, his workschedule, how there are days I'd like to switch places, be 45 instead of 18. The busride ends and he says something nice about getting myself home safely or something generically kind....I wish him a good trip back, pretend to go to the payphone to make a call...just so he won't worry about me, then go look at a map when he's out of sight. I find where I am, and try to figure out which way is west. I guess and start walking...I was feeling a little better/more relaxed when I got off the bus, but the walk back gave me time to brood and start feeling like shit again. Lucky for me I guessed right and make it back to state. I assure my friends that I'm still alive, and start writing...breaking periodically to walk across the room and wipe my nose on the paper towels provided by the sink. I think I wished she had said: "Actually, I was planning to read my book and watch wrestling, would you mind coming back some other day." Maybe even: "Bug off you wanking loser" That way I could be sad/mad/annoyed, talk to Daniel, catch an early bus that actually still stops at State...and finish the paper I should've written before. I have all sorts of stuff due wednesday, homeworks, journals for OC stuff, a Physics test and the paper. Tuesday I need to convince them not to kick me out of CSC 222. I'm missing some eroneous prereq's, basicly I haven't matriculated yet. That's just moving my butt, and doing some paperwork. So, I basicly just blew a whole day and still have all this work to do. I wouldn't mind the work if I thought it was serving a purpose. As is, I feel frustrated, like Thomas at the end of Heart and Souls. He tries to deliver a letter for one of his spirit friends that's been hanging around. The guy she was writing to is dead...Thomas starts throwing a tantrum and yelling at the spirit bus driver who's supposed to whisk this chick off to the nether world after she resolves her life issues. "She didn't resolve anything, this isn't supposed to happen" That's how I feel, like I'm completely useless. Don't anyone worry, I have no remote intention of killing myself, but I do begin to see how people could see it as a viable option. I used to wonder how anyone could consider ending their life. But it's not that hard to see your actions as pointless, and wonder what's the point, why go on, does it matter? Some part of me says, of course it matters, the other part asks "does it?" the other part of me doesn't answer. "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone." Welcome to State, land of brick.