2-06-00 (3:26 p.m.) Friday I got my first real chance to help people program 'cause nobody ever came looking for help before. I guess having a program due that evening had an impact on them. That was fun. Most of the people had a pretty good idea what was going on, but made a couple dumb mistakes. I had to help one of the other TAs, 'cause he and this woman couldn't find a certain file to submit it. Her directory structure was a mess, and they were just missing it....and not using the browse function of the browser...so they were asking for a file that wasn't there. I guess I just get a kick out of knowing the answer when the other guy who's supposed to know the answer has to ask my help. So, I guess in the end I'm a lot like all the rest of my friends who try to set life up as a contest, and we want to beat everyone else. I think the main difference, is I don't take the game too seriously, and don't mind if I lose. So, I got out of there around 3, and headed to Cameron Village in search of a bookstore. On the way, I was walking past and through the snow, when I saw a small hill (small meaning it reached about up to my crotch) of snow. I decide to hurdle it. My erring assumption, was that the snow on the other side would smush under my foot, and give me a level surface to land on. My well-worn, treadless sneakers came down on an icy hill. My ass came withing centimeters of the pavement, but I caught myself on my left hand. There was this big black middle aged guy doubled over laughing at me. It was cool, I can't remember the last time anyone was doubled over laughing at anything. I made it to the bookstore, and found on the bargain rack, a book by Robert Fulghum. He's the man, and it was on the bargain rack, so I bought all 3. I know my dad'll want one, I want one, and I figured I'd loan a copy out and never get it back. I managed to find a journal that wasn't way too silly, or way too busy, or way too cute. I also found a pretty good bookmark...I have a thing for books and bookmarks. So I payed for my 3 copies of "True Love", Kate's journal, and my inspirational bookmark, and headed back. I don't remember what I spent the rest of my afternoon doing, playing Warcraft I think. Then around 8 or so, Nikki came over, she August and I went to the Wolves den, and met Angela there. We sat at one of the few round tables, which made it a lot like being back at S&M...I've spent a lot more time with August of late...It's cool. I think we've each been off in our own little worlds a lot lately, so it's neat to have them collide again. I almost regret moving west, because I know that August probably won't be inclined to come visit. I'm not sure that I'll be inclined to visit either, but we'll see. Life'll sort itself out, it usually does. I just need to remember that more often. After dinner, I went and showd Nikki the AURICS room, 'cause she hadn't seen it, and was interested to know where I was spending all my time. We hung out and talked, and explored the building, then at some point past 4 a.m., I started to really lose it. 4 is about my standard betime...and I just start falling asleep past then. You know how some people are loud drunks, and some people are quiet drunks...well I've never been drunk, but when I'm really tired I get quiet. Some people (Nikki) get kind of chattery...and this has no relevance whatsoever to anything ; ). We get back to Becton around 6 a.m., so there's nobody there so I don't have to worry about people maybe not wanting me to sneak girls on. Nikki plops herself on the futon, and I give her the comforter which my mother gave me, and I have yet to use....I might ought to use that at some point ; ). Nikki gets up around 11, and heads out to do her RA stuff...I sleep. I sleep until I think 6:00...it was dinner time I know that. I talked to Kate a little, she's re-injured her knee and is on crutches for the next few days. I went and ate, and felt much more like a person, then returned here to procrastinate. I check in on the online peoples....then after a bit, I log off to start "the letter." I get about halfway, then don't know what more I want to say, so I take a break. I check back with the online people, hang out for a bit....August comes back. Not wanting to finish such a personal piece of correspondence in the presence of anyone, I head to the AURICS room. I get a lot closer to done, then take another break. Daniel and I kill a bunch of people playing 2v3 castles...he goes mages, I go Orcs. We destroy them. If you want details, ask. I realize that most of the people reading this could care less about my WarCraft strategies, and I'm too lazy to type them here ; ). We finally get a game that requires a little effort, and it's almost 4 a.m., so he retires to bed (or so I assume) and I finish my letter. I don't read it, but I feel good about what I wrote. I put it away, and head back to my room. I poke my computer to see if anyone left me any messages, and I find Erin online...with messages that she won't be on for 2 weeks. We talk for a bit, and she gives me this big lecture about not being afraid to live, and not being afraid of myself or what people think about me. Out of habit, I rebute everything she says...but there's a part of me that knows all along that she has a very real point. It's hard to describe, but in many ways I'm afraid to get out in the world. I like my safe little bubble of routine, and predictability. I think I frustrated her by being so oppositional. Oh, well...when you start criticising someone's habits and the way they view the world, your going to meet surface opposition, regardless of what's going on in their minds. People don't like being wrong. Especially not me. I'm wrong a lot though. Maybe some day I'll be used to it, not bloody likely ; ). Tomorrow, I'll mail the letter and the journal, then sit and wait. It reminds me of the whole rose fiasco (sp?). I'm setting something in motion, then waiting for it to resolve (Magic vocabulary). It kind of makes you jittery, because you have to let go of it, and it has to fend for itself. Is this what it's like to let a child go to college? It's a stretch, but in both situations you have to let go of something, and trust it to work out alright. She may have it as early as Tuesday. Earlier in the year, I sent her a package, which I don't think I told anyone about...I may have...I don't remember...what's important is I mailed it at about 4:00, and it got there the next day. So a smaller package should get there in a similar time frame....so tuesday or wednesday. When I started writing, I was worried I might be a little too hung up on her not wanting me to go to S&M...but as I wrote, I realized that it wasn't a big deal, and that it really didn't bother me as much as I thought it did...It's a hard concept to explain....but I had basically allowed myself to become paranoid. But I'm better now. I think I was worried that we were slipping apart, but I needed to remind myself that if she was planning to dump me, I'd probably be dumped by now. Hopefully I'd have some warning, and chance to redeem myself. Colin asked me how Kate was doing, and I told him what I've been telling anyone who asked: "I don't know." So Colin, did his usual thing, and just asked her if things were OK between us, she told him that that was about the only thing going ok in her life. So that also made me feel better. Although, if everything's going that badly, I wish she'd tell me more than "I'm on crutches again." But I, being a strong supporter of personal space, am going to let her have hers, and just make sure she knows I'm here for her. So, I think things are going to work out. I just need to work to be less paranoid. Maybe that should be my goal for the year, be less paranoid. That's my life in a nutshell. What you want details? Just ask me ; )