2-08-00 (1:53 p.m.) Wow...Journal 16. I could've sworn I'd written more of these, though it's probably just the time I spend on them, that and the fact that I never really kept a journal for very long before. I think I'm the USPS's new best friend. Not really, but I've spent more there this year (being defined as since the summer) than I spent there in my entire life previous, and that includes things I mailed for which I didn't personally pay for the stamps. I've always been afraid of writing, and I usually didn't have someone to write to. If I did have someone to write to, I usually put off writing to them until I saw them again, thus making me not have to write them ; ). As a small child, being homeschooled by my mother, I didn't want to learn to write and my mother didn't force me. I appreciated it at the time, but I've sometimes wondered if it might have been worth my time in the long run. This might have been the first time I'd looked back and wish I'd worked harder, but it wasn't the last, and I anticipate more to come. A lot of the things I did and a lot of the things I wouldn't do, suggest that I probably had/have ADD...but I figure if you're not bored sitting in a classroom, or writing the letter "A" 6 times...and doing the same equations over and over again with different numbers. You have more problems than I do...so I don't mind having ADD. Before I got lost...the point of this line of reasoning, was to explain part of my fear of writing stems from the difficulty of doing so. It used to be hard for me to write, but I've spent a lot of time writing, and now it's just slow and ugly. Most people wouldn't choose a form of correspondence which was slow and ugly, so I avoided it for many years. I'm absolutely sure this was the longest letter I've ever written, and it's one of very few that ever actually got sent. So, I'm making major steps in the big scheme of things. I made the recent discovery that I have trouble writing without distractions. It's kind of like when Arthur Dent has to miss the ground to fly. The key is to not realize you're being distracted, and BAM you're flying. I won't try to explain, because it makes sense to anyone who's read the Hitchiker books, and if you haven't read them you can read them or talk to me. I seem to need something to occupy one part of my mind, so the other part can think or write clearly. I have a pile of 10 or so drink bottles over here in my writing nook, from when I was trying to do the english, or worrying about kate, or writing her. It's probably a result of my ADD that I need such things...I only mention this because I'm about to go up to the 3rd floor, for something to drink, to provide distraction. Sunkist Orange, what I usually get. Or at least that's how it feels...though right now it's 3 sunkist, 3 mountain dew...but one of the sunkists is a 1 liter. I tend for the "fresher" tasting drinks. There's one grape...that was nasty. I've never strobed, but grape's still nasty. I thought I needed some variety...I decided that Orange is just fine. I always pay with a dollar bill if I have one 'cause the machines on this side of campus don't take cards, and I feel it's my duty as a college student to accumulate quarters. I'm always afraid it won't give me my quarter. It only did that once, but I'll never fully trust it again. I still give it dollars, but no longer with blind trust in its reliability. The lesson to be learned here? Don't screw up. It's a simple lesson, but a hard one to really follow. You only have to screw up once to ruin trust. Sure everyone might act normal around you, but in the back of their minds they'll wonder if you're going to give them their change, or keep the quarter for yourself. Man my thoughts are random...probably just because I have no real major events to take care of or worry about. The letter's out of my hands, and now it's the job of the USPS and the S&M mailroom to see it to its final destination. What happens there is anyone's guess. As I placed the items in the envelope...one of those big flat-rate envelopes...I found myself wanting to reread them, and see if I'd left anything out, or put in anything I didn't want to say. Lucky for me, it was a little late for that. Or perhaps unlucky for me. Time will tell. Overall I feel good about it, I just have my normal paranoid irrational doubts that I have about all things. I sent my apology to Ms. Smith for "dozing" during her lecture, and she sent me back a nice understanding e-mail, so that's all good. In case I forgot to mention it earlier, Ms. Smith gave a lecture on Students with Disabilities on Wednesday and nearly everyone dozed for at least part of it, but David and I got caught and Roger made us send apologies. I didn't really mind 'cause it gave me a chance to tell Ms. Smith about how much I appreciated her lecture, and how it answered my questions...which is a nice thing to do anyways. I hope David felt the same way, although I suspect he viewed it as more of a punishment than I did. I now have all the books for all my classes, got my English books today. I made a 65 on the first physics test (class average: 63) I don't know how that translates to letter grades, and he won't tell us. I made an A- on the english paper I put off for so long. I feel bad about that, not because I want a lower grade, but because I deserve a lower grade. Angela put much more work into hers, and felt pretty good about it. She got a B. I put a few hours into it, and was praying for a passing grade. Grades are silly. People shouldn't be given grades. I don't know what the alternative is, but the current system is silly. I'm going to try to photocopy my Drivers License and Social Security Card, legal stuff so they can put me on the payroll for the CSC department. And get down to the financial aid office, to get my loans worked out before all my other work starts beating down my door. I will or I won't. Hopefully, nobody'll want help tomorrow and I can read Absolom, Absolom. I was walking through the brickyard today, and I saw some preacher guy, with a bunch of people standing around him. That got me thinking. I often converse with myself, possible conversations I may have with other people, or narratives, or just things I hadn't thought of. This time it was theology. I thought to myself: "Hey, I'm made in God's Image." This is a fairly central pice of Christian theology. Then I thought...God's everywhere. That means that I wasn't made to be a physical likeness of God...because then I'd be everywhere. The other option, is I'm made in god's mental/spiritual image. So my thoughts and opinions reflect God's. Maybe not the entirity of his thinking 'cause he's omnipotent, omnicient, and infinite...but it means that my thinking is a corner of his thoughts, which means I shouldn't be able to be condemned for any of it. The other implication is that I have just as much right to be telling this preacher dude what he should be doing with his life, as he has to be telling me what to do with mine. Maybe this is just justification for me ignoring him, which I was going to do anyway, but it's something to think about. I'm sure Seph would tell me I'm wrong. That's why I don't usually discuss theology with Seph. We don't seem to be able to reach a middle ground. I remain too ambiguous, and questioning, while he is way too specific and knowing. I distrust people who are sure. People who're pretty sure, I can handle. If you're absolutely sure, you're probably missing a possibility. I think I'm going to stop here, in this odd spot to stop, because I don't really have anything else to say. For you nosey people out there (translation: all of you). I'm going to e-mail Kate, so she doesn't think I've dropped off the face of the earth. Then go to my room, and try to be up in time for Discrete, a class I should start attending, and maybe even doing the homework for. Goodnight All