3-12-00 (8:15 p.m.) Well, here I am at home. This place is dirtier than my dorm room. Anyone who's ever been in my dorm room, knows just how severe a statement that is. I may try to clean the place up. I may not, who knows? In this laid back atmosphere, however, I'm going to try and do a discussion (more of a soliloquy really) of various things I keep being too busy to mention. I saw Being John Malkovitch today, so some of this ties in, and I may give away some elements of the plot...so if you haven't seen it yet, you may want to come back to this one. Nothing in here's really time critical. A lot of it's stuff I've been thinking about for a while, or just general observations on life. Where was I? Absolutely nowhere. That's just wonderful. ; ) The first thing I'm going to bring up, was mentioned to me at the beginning of the school year, long before I even considered keeping a journal, and I didn't even think to quote them on this. Basicly, it goes something like this. One of my friends, had a discussion with one of my other friends, and they determined that I was the most popular person in our little group of friends. I won't say I agree with that statement, but I wasn't about to disagree with it either. It gave me something to think about though. Here I am, just lil' ole me, and someone else wants to label me as most popular. Me, the kid who at Asheville High used to sit alone and eat his lunch every day. I brought my lunch to school always. It wasn't because I didn't like the school lunch. I've never been a picky eater. It's all food to me. My first memory of Max was when we both went for seconds on salsbury steak, or something similarly non-gourmet. But I digress. I brought my lunch to school, because I wanted to be able to sit outside for the 35 minutes? I was out of class. I had nothing to do during that time but eat lunch, and do my schoolwork. I made good grades, not because I was amazingly motivated, but more because I had nothing better to do. If anyone's ever in Asheville with nothing to do, I can show you the very table, or you can ask me and I'll give you directions to find it. Around the end of the year, this guy starts sitting with me. He just transferred in from somewhere else, so he doesn't really know anyone. He manages to get a girlfriend and meet all sorts of people in no time at all, but some people are outgoing and charismatic like that. I'm sure most of what he said was bullshit, but it was just kind of nice to have someone to sit with during lunch. And I sort of got to know his girlfriend and her friends. His girlfriend was kind of attractive, but that's about all you could say about her. I didn't really like her attitude or anything else. Her friends seemed pretty nice though. The next year, started out about the same as the previous year, with a small exception. The first day, someone was sitting at my table. It was Lara Weaver. Her father had been the PE instructor for all my other siblings. I managed to avoid him because I never went to elementary school, but I still knew who he was, and resultingly who his daughters were. The fact that it was someone I almost knew, and they were sitting alone was what allowed me the confidence to ask if I might join her. She explained that she was expecting some friends, and that I could not sit there. So I took the next table over, and spent the whole time thinking about how rude she was to take my table, and not let me sit there. So, I go from someone who you don't let sit with you, even when he asks nicely, to the "most popular" guy in our little group. Makes you wonder. It wasn't always so bad. I switched lunch periods, and got my table back. Then the next semester I got a lunch period that let me play ultimate with some people I'll likely discuss later. I really enjoyed doing that, but with them I always had a feeling like I was tagging along, and not a genuine part of the group. Then 2-3 years later (depending on what events we're counting from) someone says that I have this coolness that is apparent when I'm in a group, that's hard to describe but easy to see, which makes me the most popular person in the group. It makes you think. Makes me think anyways. I bounced this idea off a couple people...and we mostly just figured out that none of my friends really fit into any groups, so when it came to dinner time (the major S&M social event) various people from various groups would sit with me, and subsequently (I love that word) the people that fit into their group would sit at that same table. The end result is a lot of people sit at "my" table, and I get to know a lot of people. This is one possible explanation. None of this changes the fact that 3/4ths of the student body still didn't know who I was, but the fact that right or wrong, someone thinks you're the coolest/most popular makes you feel good. "Everyone has a crush on Smithra in some form or another." I'm not sure how they got this idea, but again I'm not inclined to completely reject a compliment. Here's another quote for you: "What the hell?" I think that's was Erin's response to my statement that I wasn't the kind of person people dated. I think I went on to say that girls were more inclined to go out with jerks, and there's evidence to support this. August, Max and Joe have all had more girlfriends in those 2 years, than I've had in my lifetime. Notice I've just named 3 of my best friends? They're good guys too, but they can be major jerks at times as well. So, why do nice guys finish last? 2 explanations that are both true to an extent. One, the jerks are confident enough to go out and get what they want. Two, the big/little brother syndrome. I think #2 is Cameron's major obstacle. He's way too nice, and I think as a result, everyone thinks of him as a really good friend, but not boyfriend material. Eventually, he'll find a girl who can see past the fact that he's way too nice, and still want to date him, I think. Enough about him, let's talk about me. I have nothing to say. Where was I? Oh yeah, the 2 explanations. For #1, I think I illustrated this in my first journal entry, with my Prufrock quote. I have a lot of insecurities in the way people view me. I didn't think I could handle rejection, and I didn't see a high probability for the other possibility. "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock" is a poem about a man whom everyone feels they know. He's been categorized and fallen into the routine. He then asks the question: if I change, will I still be accepted? He never answers the question, just rolls it around in his head for the entirity of the poem. I'm rather good at that actually, just running a problem around in my head, and not doing anything about it. As far as the brother syndrome goes...a lot of the girls I did know, I knew because they were dating my friends. There were a good number that weren't, but having 5 siblings does kind of set you up for that brother position. In summary, I have no idea where I'm going with this ; ). And where does John Malkovitch come into all this? It was a movie about how people view you, and how you view yourself. It's about a puppeteer who never amounts to anything, because he never tries. Mostly it's about a man who's a failure simply because he believes he's a failure, and becomes a success when he thinks people view him differently, behind the mask of a new identity. I wonder what would've happened if I'd believed in myself, I wonder what would happen if I started believing in myself now. "The World May Never Know" --Tootsie Roll Pop Guy As you may or may not know, the time and date at the top of these entries, is the starting time/date. I usually finish 2-3 hours later. Right now, it's 10:26 p.m. on 3-13-00. In the time since starting this journal, I've played some really great games of Euchre with Daniel, and gotten bitched at for not keeping Kate appraised of my life. She's not reading my journal, 'cause she'd rather I tell her directly. I guess it's just as well 'cause there's stuff in here I'd just assume she not read. At the same time, I kind of wish she'd read the rest of it, but I'm not going to make her. I think the phrase: "Ask Mandy what I'm upset about" is kind of a problem. However, me being in the doghouse for lack of communication, it probably wasn't a good time for me to point that out, so I didn't. She may or may not still be pissed at me. Oh well...We'll work it out one way or another. Well, that's life for the Smithra. I'll probably go looking for Kate's B'day present tomorrow, in downtown Asheville, resorting to the mall if need be. I have no idea where in Raleigh I'd find anything. So, we'll see how that goes. Now, off to Euchre land, catch all y'all later ; )