4-18-00 (4:46 a.m.) I wrote and rewrote this journal so many times in my head over the course of the weekend. All of the things I came up with mostly just reflected my hurt and confusion. I think instead I'm going to make this a kind of vague and shallow journal, more out of obligation than out of a sincere desire to write. My goal for the first half of the weekend was to be sociable and meet some people. My goal for the second half was not to cry in public. I think I failed on both of those. *long pause* I think that's the extent of the information I feel comfortable letting the world know. If you want details, you know where to find me. I think this journal was a mistake. I wanted to share with people the things I didn't feel comfortable sharing with them directly. In the process I shared a lot of things I probably shouldn't have. The answer isn't an online journal. The answer is gaining the courage just to tell people. I remember on one of those dumb surveys that we all eventually got sick of...as an answer to the quetion: "What's your biggest fear:" Jonathan Nickfarjam put "That everyone will find out how much of a loser I really am" I think that's the best answer to that question I've ever seen. It's the only answer to that question i can remember. Maybe that should've been my biggest fear. The reason sane people don't do stuff like this, is they realize what I had to learn the hard way. Your thoughts are incoherent to anyone but yourself. When you want someone to understand what you're thinking, you have to word it in such a way that your audience understands. You can't play to a universal audience. So, we go through life, and we put on faces. You have your work-face, and your friends-face, and maybe a parents-face, and all sorts of other faces that people put on to play to the correct audience. I tried to wear all the faces at once. It's a lousy ending for a journal entry, and probably a worse ending for a journal, but you've caught me at a point in my life where I find it impossible to think straight. I don't know where I'm going, but if and when I figure it out I'll let you guys know. "It always rains like hell on the losers day parade." --Goo Goo Dolls