8-7-01 (9:53 p.m.) This is the second journal entry I've started recently...the last one I didn't like, so I wiped it. Part of the reason I haven't written in so long, is I realized that it's hard to be honest on a universal and permanent basis. It's hard to let people read what you've written, and see that you haven't been completely open with them. But mostly, it's 'cause I haven't been depressed enough, I think. I think my journal became my place to get depressed and look for sympathy...so I associate journal writing with depression. I write for selfish reasons. I write because I feel the need to write...and I post it because I think it's pointless to write something if nobody's ever going to read it. I've written all sorts of stuff that I never show anyone...but there's always the possibility that I'll pin down what's wrong with it, and it'll be showable. Little snippets of poems, beginnings of stories. Little pointless shit, like I used to put on Miller's board. I don't even remember what I used to write...just that it was fun to write it, and I didn't mind that they all sucked, because I knew that someone'd erase it soon enough, and I wouldn't need to worry about it. I used to dread going to work. I knew I sucked at making pretzels, and I'm too antisocial to do good customer service. What I didn't realize at the time was that almost everyone else sucked too. Now I don't mind so much...I like going to work...I get to act happy and friendly all the time...and listen to my music. When things are quiet, it's real nice....I just roll pretzels, and listen to Counting Crows, or Darkside of the Moon, or whatever. I popped in the graduation CD the other day...it doesn't exactly match with the pretzel place, but it was a nice break from the routine. Today we watched Requiem for a Dream again. Me for the second time, Bryan for the first...Nikki didn't get to see it 'cause she was at Ashley and Talley's. I encourage everyone to see it. It's a really well done movie. It's not for the squeamish (sp?) (I don't even know if there's a correct spelling for that word...there must be) It's a pretty intense story revolving around drug use. I've never really done drugs. I tried pot in Amsterdam, just because I felt I ought to try it where it was legal if I was ever going to try it. I'll say right now, that it basically felt like being stupid. There were some cool parts, and I'd be happy to share with you the whole experience. We had to find our way back to the bus, which would take us home....and we got lost. I figured out where we were on the map, and I figured out how the map was positioned relative to us...but my instincts told me, that what logic told me was wrong...we must've stood there for ten minutes, while I tried to convince myself that what made logical sense...actually made real sense. I failed, and just followed logical sense 'cause I didn't know what else to do. But anyways...having not done drugs, I really don't know how realistic it is personally...but I have a friend who had a bad drug experience once...and he said it really kind of hit him....that's not quite what he said, but it's a rough translation. Some things can't be run through a universal translator, despite what Star Trek might have you believe. (--Ryan Smith...I'll save ya the trouble) But yeah, life's not exactly what you call exciting these days. I have more fun at work than at home. At work, there's all kinds of people who pretend to know me, and I pretend to know them. We discuss literature, movies, weather, pretzels, random bits of life, tattoos, our hometown, our families. It's just a big group of pseudo friends. At home, we just sit around looking depressed. I have a level 72 diablo character for god's sake...and it's going to gain probably 8 more levels before Nikki takes her computer away, and I can't play anymore 'cause I don't have the expansion on my computer. I don't know what I'll do then, probably sleep more, or something. Play a lot of hearts, I dunno. I recently renamed the hearts players on my computer, 'cause I was playing so much, that the ones on there annoyed me...now they're Winken, Blinken, and Nod...I don't know how many people will really note the reference...I know what they mean, and that's what's important I think. Well, actually that's probably not even important, but I have to play against them, so they might as well have names I think are cool. I'm alone in the house again, as is often the case...and everything here is becoming mind-numbingly dull. Bryan's gone to flirt with the Blockbuster chick. Nikki's not coming home tonight, and I don't have to be awake for another 10 hours...so sleep's kind of silly, and everything else is damn tedious. I think I'll take a walk, just to give me something to do, to feel like I'm accomplishing something.