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1-9-00 (22:44 or 10:44 p.m. ) These days, I have a lot on my mind and nothing at all. I don't know where to start, and I don't know how much I want to reveal...I like to have my secrets...and I hate to show weakness or fault. This past week has been strange. I've felt detached from life, and I really didn't want to deal with anything or anyone. I just didn't care. Not caring is different from my usual outlook on life. Usually, I have no opinion...life is ok...I'm still alive, that sort of thing...but this week, nothing mattered. If I were female, I think I'd blame hormones, but last I checked I was still male. During the course of my non-caring...I received an e-mail from the school, threatening to cancel my schedule for money I owed them. Apparently, they sent the appropriate paperwork home, and it got lost somewhere (not an uncommon occurence at my house). I sorted that out, though. I just need to go get the appropriate forms, and get a student loan from somewhere. This was an issue that I knew I needed to deal with, but I like to avoid confrontations, so I never went down there. Now it's a bigger pain in the butt then it needed to be...procrastination strikes again. So, that's a stress and something I'm not proud of. Another thing that I should've dealt with before...and should deal with now, but probably won't, is what is most likely a hernia. It doesn't hurt or anything, I just don't really look forward to the side-effects of having to deal with it, but as I don't deal with it, it gets progressively worse. Primarily, an operation would mean, in addition to hopefully fixing the problem, that I would be confined to minimal activity for a period of time (which almost surely means missing classes). I don't really see a time when I could afford to miss those classes. It may not be as long as I think, but in order to find out, it means going up to someone and saying: "hey, could you look at this big bulge in my testicle...how long will I be stuck in a chair if you fix it?" Then there's the financial aspect. I'm already borrowing more money than I should to go to college. I suspect that medicaid, or whatever it is I'm supposed to have, will cover part of it, but who's to cover the rest? Probably I can find someone to owe for this one, but how and when will I pay them back? I don't even know how I'm going to pay for college yet. There's always the screw it theory. I'm already fucked, why not go ahead and be more fucked? Essentially, the moment I admit to the world I have a problem, someone's going to expect me to fix it, and I don't know if I can. I think it's just that I don't like admitting a problem, until I have a solution...and I don't have a solution. I don't know...we'll see. hmmmm....on to lighter topics. I'm back at State...classes start tomorrow. My schedule's ok, I guess...nothing special. I talked to Kate today, and she seems to be having a really shitty time. Her friends are doing some things that friends shouldn't do. I'm sure their intent was not to hurt Kate's feelings, but the fact of the matter remains, that they were unkind things to do. They did hurt Kate, and she's left feeling abandoned. I'm guessing on that part, I hope I'm wrong. And, as usual, I want to help, fix things, make everything better. But, as usual, I'm here, and she's there. As of tomorrow, getting there will be a lot more difficult. Joe's father is taking the truck as a result of his grades last semester. Angela's car broke down on the way up here. I don't know when I'll be able to go down there. The bus system isn't the most convenient to someone on a college schedule, trying to see someone on a regular school schedule. The bus only runs certain hours, and the weekend schedule is even harder to deal with. I'll look at the schedule again tomorrow and see if I can figure something out. I'll call her tomorrow, It's not wonderful, but it's a step up from Instant Messenger. *sigh* I miss Kate a lot, and I especially wish I could be there when she's having a bad day. It doesn't help that I've spent most of this past week with Angela & Joe. They're going back out, again, and are going through their "perfect couple" phase that always starts their relationship. Eventually, of course, it'll likely wind back to the "Joe ignoring Angela" and "Angela crying" phases. But right now, it's reminding me of what I can't have, by virtue of my being here, and her being there. I can make anything work, if I want it bad enough. So, I'll no doubt find some way to get there...but in the meantime... To make matters worse, I left all my CDs at home. As much as I can't sing, or play an instrument, and I avoid dancing in public, my music's still important to me. I enjoy dancing when no one else can see me. Sometimes I'll just turn up the music, and sit there with my eyes closed, and just let the world slip away. Music is my door out of the drudgery of everyday. In some ways, it's a window on myself. Without my music, I feel somehow empty. I can still sing to myself as I walk home in the dark. That's better than nothing, but I miss getting wrapped up in Dark Side of the Moon, or Some Days are Diamonds. Music has an emotional element to it, that can't be found anywhere else. Kate and I don't have a "song" but if I were to pick a song to describe our relationship: most days, I think it's "Some Days are Diamonds." Kind of an odd place to end a journal...but I don't know what else to say. Thus we end another day in the life of myself.
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