This weekend feels as though it's already past, though I still have tomorrow. Friday, Danny gave me a ride to S&M. I took Kate out to eat, and (according to Sarah) made her day. It's interesting, the term "to take someone out" originally referred to someone picking someone up in their car, and driving them somewhere (taking them somewhere). I use it to refer to walking somewhere and paying for it. But in this crazy world, you take what you can get. I wanted to take her out last weekend, but Cam had a cookout planned, and he already dislikes me enough without my causing his friends to miss group activities they're already committed to, so I decided to wait and my opportunity came up this week. Kate chose the Cosmic Cantina...and we had a nice little meal, before rushing off to the basketball game. Despite my meager understanding of basketball, it was kind of fun. S&M won both games, and actually played fairly well I'm told.

Rocky Horror was alright. I really enjoyed it Halloween, and plan to return this October 31st, but it really didn't have the same feel this time. This Halloween, we'll bring all the lighters, TP and rice you could ever need ; ). I think Danny was kind of disappointed that more people didn't do the underwear run, oh well. How often does something turn out the way you intended? Not bloody often. But that doesn't mean it's a failure...you just have to appreciate it for what it is, and not worry about what it isn't. I wore a very attractive leather, button up the front "dress" that just barely covered my butt. I think I would've rather seen Kate in it, but that's just 'cause I'm a hormonal teenager I guess ; ). It would've covered her a bit better than it did me, but I think she'd look good in it, not that she could look bad in anything as far as I'm concerned. I don't think she'd believe me if I told her that, but it's the truth. Following Rocky, Kate and I went back to my dorm room. "Officially" you aren't supposed to have females in your room past 2 a.m. on weekends, but it was 2:30 when we wandered in, and my RA was sitting out in the middle of the hall. I love college. I caught word from at least Matt Moeser that the infamous "they" were trying to insure that Kate and I got some "time together" (note the gratuitous use of quotes). I'm sure if "they" knew what we did, they'd be disappointed. Knowing these peoples as I do, I suspect they were thinking along the lines of what Borjas predicted: "screwing like rabbits." We just talked about various things. We talked about how she was really doing, instead of the "ok" "fine" "alright" kind of responses I usually get when I ask. For Kate, these translate approximately to tell me that she should still be alive at the end of the week, and that's about all it tells me. It was nice to know specifically what things she was worried about, or hopeful for, and the kinds of problems she's facing there. One problem she's having is an uncertainty of where she stands with her friends at S&M. She spent a lot of her time last year hanging out with Joe, Daniel and I, and well...a lot of my friends. As a result, she missed some of the bonding experiences with her "junior" friends. I feel somehow responsible, like the boy who handles a duckling, which can then not return to its family because the mother smells that the duckling has been handled. It's a bad analogy I realize, but I think it makes my point. Next year will be better. It'll take a little adjustment to once again get used to being within reaching distance of Kate. Sometimes all someone needs is a hug, some encouragement, or to be taken out for chocolate. It's frustrating to be in a position where you can't provide these things. Angela's car has more problems than can really be redeemed. Joe's truck, we all know, has been taken as a result of his bad grades. This leaves me not many ways to get to Durham. I'll have to figure out something with TTA. I've been saying that for a while, but I think I mean it this time.

We stayed up talking until about 4:00 or thereabouts, then went to sleep. I had to be up at 6:30, for an Orientation Counselour group-building activity at 7. So, I'm running on very little sleep at the moment. The ropes-course as it was termed, was done inside due to the coldness of the weather. We did some getting to know you kinds of activities, and some trust activities, and a lot of stuff to do with solving problems, and communication. I'm only going to focus on a few parts, but I think you'll see why they're more interesting to me than the others. One of the problems we had to solve with our group of 14 had the following setup: a standard keychain ring was attached to 8 strings that were each about 5 feet long, give or take. As in most of these, there is a cute story about what we're doing and why, but I'll cut straight to the task we were given. There is a tennis ball sitting on this ring. Across the room is a chair, and a wastebasket (there's also another one of these strings and rings we're not supposed to step on because they get tangled easy). 8 of our members are blindfolded, and they are the only people allowed to touch the strings. They can only hold onto the ends of the strings. We have to go around the chair, and put the tennis ball in the wastebasket. If we drop the tennis ball, we start over. I was one of the lucky 6 who got to direct the blind 8. Right off, I just suggested some strategies for not dropping the tennis ball: Anchoring the strings at about waist height for consistency and stability, having them all face the direction we were trying to move, and having them step heel to toe (for a pace that is similar for everyone). All the sighted people agreed with my suggestions, and appointed me to explain to everyone else what we were doing. I had just become the leader of a group of 14. My preference is usually to follow someone else's lead, no such luck here ; ). We moved the blind ones into their positions. I explained my plan, and asked for suggestions or questions. Let me back up just a bit...when I grabbed Eva to lead her to her position, she asked if I was Ryan. This isn't an amazing deduction, considering there are only about 5 males total in the group (one being the director of the Orientation Program), and only 3 of them were in our smaller group. The 3 in our group were Roger (the director), Kenny (a large black dude), and myself. Add to that, that Roger and Kenny are blindfolded, and it's not hard to figure out I'm Ryan ; ). Not an odd or out of place statement by any means, and it's something I only really remember in retrospect. Anyways, I explained the plan. Eva asked (kind of quietly) what the plan was once we reached the wastebasket. I was the only one listening (aren't I always?) so I mentioned her question, and suggested a solution (we position the ring over the wastebasket, then lower it neatly into the wastebasket).
The plan was in motion. We pointed everyone in the general right direction, they took their strings, and we began. The blind individuals figured out some details about how to feel the tensions, and try to keep them even, which I'll never understand, but I don't need to. With 8 blind people, and 6 sighted people, we were short about 2 sets of eyes. Jessica took care of 2 (Eva and Roger) and I took care of about 1.5 (Eva and Liza). I'm not sure who took care of the other odd one out, but that's not really important I guess. I started giving the directions to step, but eventually Jessica took over (and did a much better job). She turned (right.....left....right....left) into (right.....together.....left.....together.....), which ended up working better. Superficially, I remained their leader, but I mostly functioned as mediator and facilitator, but in some situations that's what a leader is I guess. We'd walk a few steps, correct people's distances or angles, and spacing. I'd correct Liza, and sometimes Eva. Everyone else had their own charge, and I'd try to watch out, and make sure everyone was more or less the same withing acceptable limits. Jessica was the slavedriver, I was like quality control. Finally, we made it to the end, and managed to drop the tennis ball into the wastebasket, and we congratulated everyone on their great job. It had taken us like 20-30 minutes. It didn't feel like that long to me. They said that was about average, but that most groups dropped the ball at least once. I feel pretty good about making it without ever starting over, and getting the same time as most groups. The other group today dropped the ball twice. Following the exercise, we had a session to discuss what we learned, what were our thoughts, etc. We were each to take a turn, Eva said that Jessica and I were motherly and fatherly. I was more or less last, and I congratulated Jessica on being a great slave driver, and told all the blind peoples that I didn't think I could've accomplished their job. Basically, I just told everyone that they had done a really good job (which they had). Some of the adults tried to draw some metaphors, Jessica looked over at me, and mouthed "good job", I nodded and smiled. At some point, someone commented that they thought I was a great leader, blah blah blah, everyone agreed, and added something or other, so I felt really good. I enjoyed just the attention, and then the irony that the boy who tends to hide in the middle of a lecture room, and follows more than leads, and when he leads usually leads discretely by giving suggestions to the leader, and staying out of the spotlight was the main person standing out in the group at this early stage.

We did some trust falls, and then got in groups around one person, and passed them around. Eva volunteered me for the middle. We all took turns, but most people volunteered themselves, go figure. I caught her looking my way at various points, which could just mean she was catching me looking her way, or we just happened to be scanning the group in matching patterns. I don't know, don't really care, but it's something to think about. We broke for lunch, and drove to Ryan's Steakhouse ; ). I picked a table, with Angela. Eva sat down with us, a move I had almost anticipated. Again, not an unlikely situation, especially if you consider that I had already shown myself to be a friendly whatever, and Angela always stands out in her own childish way. We chit chat about this and that. I mentioned Rocky at some point as my excuse for not having any sleep (basically everyone had very little sleep). I described my dress, and then said that I mostly just crossdress to annoy my girlfriend (a joke of course, I crossdress 'cause I like to, even if it's cold). She asks if my girlfriend was still going to S&M, I don't think I'd given any indication that she did, but we won't worry about that. I said she did, but was coming to state next year, and she said the little assumption people tend to make...about my being a major factor in that decision, and I explained that I wasn't as major a factor as everyone thought. I was just an added bonus. She then went into this kind of "you know, everything's temporary...your girlfriend, my boyfriend...yadda...this school..." I wasn't really paying attention, I was hungry. This is all of course just coincidence, but a string of coincidences, is just that...a bunch of coincidences. However, such a string can imply things. I don't think I'd ever date this girl, even if Kate wasn't in the picture. I'd definitely never ask her. That's not the point. The point is...that I used to be irresistable to middle-schoolers. Well, that's not the point either, but that's part of it. Even though there was a glaring age difference, it was kind of flattering that someone found you attractive. So, just to think that (maybe) some random chick was considering me a possibility is flattering. I don't think it happens very often, but I've already proven myself too dumb to notice when it does happen. Kate practically had to beat me over the head to get me to realize that her initial statement: "You're a good friend, but I wouldn't go out with you" had been modified.

I think that's the sum of the really notable elements of my day. When I got done at 5:00 (following diversity training), I expected Kate to be gone already, and actually found a note to that effect on my bed. But I had a phone message that they were waiting on us to go to dinner at CiCi's. So, we piled 8 people into a car intended for 5 (6 people in back). After dinner, we decided to leave in shifts. They took Joe, Angela and Colin back, leaving me with Kate and Fruits. It started to snow while they were gone, and Kate mentioned maybe waiting outside when it came closer to time...Fruits said something about standing out in the snow. Kate said she liked standing in the snow...she'd done it last year. I don't know if she was making reference to this time, but I remember a time that was (I think) about a week before we started actually dating. A bunch of us were sitting in the cafeteria, when it started snowing, so we ran out into the pit to watch the big flakes come down. I of course spent as much time around Kate as possible. Most people went inside, to be warm. Kate wasn't quite dressed for the weather, so I somehow managed to get my coat around the two of us. And we just stood there watching it snow, until it got really cold, and we got hungry enough to eat PFM. It was one of those perfect, Kodak moments, even if we were "just friends" at that point.

I forgot to ask Kate to loan me her Seven Nations CDs, but I did stumble upon a search engine that actually turned up some Seven Nations mp3s. They didn't have the song I wanted, but they had some other pretty decent songs. Well, they had one of the songs I was looking for, but what I really wanted was to find "Under the Milky Way." It's a really beautiful song, that I sometimes sing when walking back across campus. I'm sure I butcher it, but I don't care. When I sing...I can remember the beauty of the song as it's supposed to sound. I found a couple other songs by peoples I was looking for, but that was my major find. I found some Joni Mitchell, that I want you to hear (you being Nikki, my only known reader). I'm not sure I'd want to know if other people were reading this. It's kind of here for everyone to read, if they want to be able to know me better, or something I guess. But I don't know if I could be quite so honest if I knew that certain people were reading it. It's kind of a way for me to be honest with everyone through the illusion that I'm just talking to myself. I think I've said something like that before...and I'm just rambling. It's now 3 a.m., I think this entry has taken me the longest of any yet. I'm going to stop rambling now, and get that sleep I so desperately need ; ).