One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid. so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. That fine bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!""Don't worry"'said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. he won't bother. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she said, the dog jist lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't handle anymore and yelled: "SHUT UP! YOU STUPID BIRD!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU." He looks all around and sees nothing so he returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says,"GOD IS WATCHING YOU." The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a gage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?" Parrot Says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor- I Mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this birds fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat and shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks him in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird in the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then suddenly, it gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arms and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to omprove my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?"
