TITLE: A Different Kind of Reality
AUTHOR: Darksusie – July 04
SERIES: Voyager
PAIRING: C/P (Tay/Lieutenant Paris, Commander Chakotay/Tommy)
RATING:	NC-17
SUMMARY: A transporter malfunction starts off a chain of
events that changes the lives of all concerned.  This story
is told alternatively from Tom Paris and Chakotay's point of
view.
WARNING:	This story contains, rape, violence and other
disturbing matter.
FEEDBACK: Any comments or constructive criticism most
welcome at Darksusie@yahoo.co.uk
DISCLAIMER: Voyager and her crew are the property of
Paramount. 
===============================================






Tom Paris’ point of view.

I sat in my quarters, relieved that the shift was over, a
drink in hand.  I slowly began to relax, uncoiling the
tension that has tightened in my body.  It had been a long
shift, not just at the helm but down in engineering and then
helping with the transporters.  After coming into contact
with a particular hostile ship the transporters
malfunctioned, leaving the Commander stranded on the
friendly planet he had been visiting.  We had all worked
together, as we always did, and got the transporters back
online. Just in time to retrieve the First Officer from the
planet, before he got stranded down there overnight.  I had
to wonder would the captain have been so keen if it had been
anyone else but her boyfriend down there.  I was going to
get a shower and head for Sandrine’s, catch up with Harry. 
Maybe try to coax B’Elanna into meeting up for a date. 
Although I hadn’t had any success so far, I could feel that
she was weakening under the onslaught of the Paris charm.

I needed to take my mind off tomorrow.  I wasn’t relishing
the meeting I would be having with the First Officer. 
Before Chakotay's away mission we’d had words, a
misunderstanding, and I unfortunately bordered on
insubordination.  Well there was nothing new there.   He’d
disciplined me over some small infraction, but it wasn’t
what he’d said but how he’d said it.  Like I was of no
consequence, a bad smell.  I can still see the derision on
his face.  Well, I reacted badly, told him that he was so
far up his own ass that I was surprised that he could
actually see what I was doing. Fortunately he didn't have
time to deal with me there and then as the Captain called on
him to do some negotiations down on the planet.

At one time I thought we were heading towards a good working
relationship but that had ended with the Jonas incident.  He
thought I had deliberately flaunted the fact that he had
been left out of the loop.  Since then we had brought out
the worst in each other. Now that he and the captain had
developed a tentative relationship I had hoped he would lay
off me a little. But this latest incident had been the most
unpleasant and I knew this time I had overstepped the mark. 

I was just undoing my shirt, when the door chime broke into
the silence.  Thinking it would be Harry I shouted enter.  I
was dismayed when I saw it was the Commander.  'He couldn’t
even wait till tomorrow to reel my ass in,' I thought to
myself as I re-buttoned my shirt.  I took a deep breath to
prepare myself for the onslaught and stood to attention. 

"Can I help you, sir?" I was hoping that if I played it by
the book maybe I stood a chance of shortening the
discussion.

"You sure can Tommy." Chakotay took me into his arms and
kissed me with passion, pushing himself against me.  His
obvious erection rubbed against my body.

For a minute I was stunned and confused, this was the last
thing I had expected. I was just beginning to enjoy it when
logic kicked in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Commander?" I
quickly moved away from him.  I was shaken, not just by
Chakotay's surprising behaviour but my body's response to
it.

"I’m sorry Tommy, don’t be mad at me.  I know I lost my
temper with you yesterday but let's put it behind us and
make up." Chakotay again reached out towards me.

“Whoa, specify make up and what’s with this Tommy shit, its
usually Paris or Lieutenant.”   I was beginning to get
nervous, very nervous.  This wasn't the reaction I had been
expecting at all.  I was sure the captain wouldn't approve
of her new boyfriend coming onto her pilot.

Chakotay grabbed my arms and pulled me to him.

“Tommy, we’ll make up how you like, we'll do it your way.” 

Chakotay was kissing me again, pushing me against the wall. 
I couldn't think.  Early on in our journey I had one or two
fantasies about the Commander, who hadn't, but I’d never
imagined that I would be kissing him in real life.  The
trouble was it felt so good, too good.  Chakotay began
kissing my neck and I couldn't help but groan, couldn't help
but push myself into him.  At the back of my mind I knew
Chakotay was undoing my trousers but just at that moment he
was sucking on my neck so it didn't register where it could
be leading.  Suddenly he dropped to his knees and took me
into his mouth.  I didn't know what the fuck was happening
but I couldn't stop a moan from escaping.  I couldn't have
stopped what was happening even if there had been a red
alert.  I didn't know why Chakotay was doing this to me but
I was so glad he was.  Chakotay had to hold my hips as I
thrust hard to get my release.  As the Commander took in
more of my cock, I looked down.  The sight of my commanding
officer, the one who had continually told me what a fuck up
I was, knelt at my feet, sucking hard on my cock, sent me
over the edge.  All I could say was “Oh Fuck,” over and over
again as Chakotay sucked the last drop out of me. 

As the Commander stood up, I unsuccessfully tried to get a
handle on what had just happened.  Then Chakotay was holding
me close to him again, whispering in my ear. 

"I need to tell you something, Tommy.  Last night, after we
argued, I realised I loved you.  I can’t live without you
Tommy.  Let me make love to you, let me make it special for
you.” 

My mind was reeling.  Chakotay, who normally wouldn't give
me the time of day, loved me.  There was something seriously
wrong.  I was in a quandary, should I say something or
should I wait till the First Officer had made love to me,
fucked me hard, filled me to the brim with his hard cock.  I
knew his cock was hard because it was pressed into me,
rubbing against my leg. My head was filled with all those
images, this was my only chance and I was still aroused from
the blowjob. Mentally anyway and I didn't think it would
take much for me to become aroused again physically.  While
all this had been happening I hadn't uttered a sensible
word.  I was too stunned to even think straight never mind
hold a conversation.  But I had never been one to play it
cautiously so I decided to keep quiet about my misgivings
and go with the flow. 

"Ok, big man let’s go make love."

As I lay on my belly with the Commander thrusting hard into
me, I smiled to myself.  I had not been so thoroughly fucked
in all my life.  To my surprise Chakotay was a tactile and
sensual lover. Totally unselfish, he made sure that I was
enjoying every minute of our lovemaking.  He’d just brought
me off and was climaxing with hard thrusts, calling my name
over and over again. 

As I lay in Chakotay’s arms, drowsy with satisfied bliss, I
again considered saying something, but then he pulled me to
him, hugging me as I let my eyes close, enjoying the
unexpected surprise that the day had brought.  Just as I was
dropping off to sleep, a contented smile on my lips,
Janeway's voice broke into the silence.

"Commander Chakotay, if you are available I would like to
speak with you."

"Captain if you don’t mind I would like to get some rest.  I
will speak to you first think in the morning."

"Oh.  Is everything alright Commander?" Her disappointment
showed in her voice.

"Everything is just fine, Captain."

He pulled me to him and whispered he loved me.

Next morning we were just coming around, well I was waking
Chakotay by slowly licking my way up his cock, when the
Commander’s badge beeped. 

"Commander can you report to the transporter room as soon as
you are able."  The Captain's voice sounded tense. 

"I’ll be with you in 30 minutes, Captain."  Chakotay
responded drowsily. 

I still didn't know what was going on but I knew what was
happening wasn't right. Something fundamental was wrong, but
right now I needed him one last time. I leaned over to him,
"Please make love to me before you go." To my own ears I
sounded needy. 

"I can’t Tommy, you heard the Captain." 

"You can’t go anywhere with this," I reached over and
stroked Chakotay’s erection eliciting a moan from him. 

"Fuck me, fuck me quick and hard." 

 Those were all the words Chakotay needed. 

"On your knees, Lieutenant."

 He quickly lubed up and thrust home.  This wasn't the
tender coupling of the night before but as Chakotay hammered
into me I thought it was certainly just as enjoyable. 

I accompanied the Commander with mixed emotions.  Now that
I'd had a taste of the forbidden fruit I wanted more.  But
deep in my heart I knew that this must be a different kind
of reality and that something drastic had happened to our
First Officer.  If that proved to be the situation and how
he was talking last night, I thought it could be, I must not
allow myself to develop feelings for this version of the
Commander.

I listened to the Captain and the engineer. Just as I
suspected, there had been a malfunction and an in-depth scan
of the Commander showed he wasn't from our reality.  The
trouble was they didn't know if it was possible to return
this Commander and get ours back.  Maybe, just maybe we
wouldn't be able to get our First Officer back and we would
be stuck with this one.  But that thought left me uneasy. I
may not be on the best of terms with our Chakotay, but he
was ours and this one belonged to some other Tom Paris.  I
laughed to myself, a Tom Paris with more luck than me.

I caught Chakotay looking at me out of the corner of his
eye. I would have to bluff my way out of this one.

"Captain, if you don’t mind I’d like to have a little time
to get used to this news.  Would you mind if Lieutenant
Paris accompanies me to my, I mean the guest quarters?"

On another Voyager.

Chakotay’s point of view

At last, after much frustration, they finally got me
transported back aboard.  For a while I didn't think they
were going to be able to do it and I would have to stay on
the planet overnight.  I give my report to Kathryn and made
my way back to my quarters.  I had wanted to see her that
night but I was exhausted.  I was a little taken a back when
I asked to see her the next night and she had asked why? 
But I was too tired to argue, I would discuss it when I saw
her next.  I had to admit that the argument with Paris had
weighed heavy on my mind.  It was wearing to be at each
other’s throats all the time.  But I could not let the
earlier incident go by.  Tomorrow I would have words with
him, put him on report but also see if we could get back on
track without all the animosity between us.

As I got out of the shower, a towel wrapped around my waist,
the chime went.  I was expecting Greg to drop by with a
report so I was wrong footed when Paris rushed in.  He
stopped in the doorway. 

"You’re a sight for sore eyes, Tay." 

I couldn't quite see what game he was playing but I knew I
was too tired to go along with it. 

"Get out Paris before I throw you out.  I’ll see you in the
morning to discuss your conduct." I snapped at him, surlier
than I intend.

 I turned my back on him.  When I turned back around he was
still there and I was surprised to see tears falling down
his cheeks. 

"Please Tay, don’t turn me away.  I'm sorry we argued last
night.  Please let me stay."

I just stared at him as he slid to the floor, sobbing.  I
had been away less that 24 hours and the world had gone
crazy.  I helped him onto the couch and give him a glass of
water. Something was definitely not right.

He was shaking badly but I didn't know what to do.  I had
never seen this side of the Lieutenant before and I felt
shaken and even more unsure when he lent into me looking for
reassurance. 

"Take me to bed and let me make love to you." He looked at
me with big doe eyes.

"If this is some kind of joke, you're digging yourself a
deeper grave, Mr Paris."

He squeezed himself to me and I looked for an escape route. 
I grabbed his arms and made him look at me.  Panic was
beginning to rise within me and my mind was working
overtime.

"Paris.  Tom, just go with me on this.  What did we argue
about last night?"

I spoke to him softly, trying not to panic him again.  He
took a deep breath and I could see he was trying to collect
himself.  He gave me a puzzled look but answered.

"You’d made us a meal but I was late back from playing pool
and you became angry and told me I cared more for Harry than
you and that you wouldn’t be surprised if I was fucking him. 
I was mad so I said I might as well, at least he’d be fun
and not always working and then you hit me.  You'd never hit
me that hard before and I ran out." 

By this time Paris had started to get upset again.  I patted
him on the arm, trying to sooth him, but I was uncomfortable
with our closeness.

"So you're telling me that we are in a relationship.  Is
that right?" 

I could not believe I was asking him this, the thought of
him and me together was totally absurd.  He turned to me
looking very disturbed. 

"Of course we're in a relationship and have been for 6
months.  Why are you asking me these questions?  You're
going to finish it aren't you?"  He began to sob softly
again.

I put my hand on his arm, I didn't know how he would take
what I was going to do next.  I tapped my badge. 

"Commander Chakotay to Lieutenant Torres."

"Go ahead Commander."

"I need you to check the transporter logs, I think there has
been a malfunction."

I felt Paris’ hand grip mine, his tension plain. 

I turned to him, "I don’t think I’m your Chakotay.  In my
reality we aren’t even friends much less lovers. In my world
I'm with Kathryn." 

I looked at this version of Tom, his face filled with
anguish, "what am I going to do, I can’t live without him. 
I love him." 

He was now in my arms, sobbing on my shoulder.  Fortunately
we were interrupted and I was saved from another onslaught
of crying.

"Commander, I think you’d better come to my ready room and I
think you’d better bring along Mr Paris."

The Captain sounded worried which set Paris off again. 
Would he ever stop crying? 

"Look they'll get your Chakotay back, don’t worry."

He dried his face on his sleeve.  He had never looked more
like a young child and for a moment I saw him in a different
light, vulnerable and very emotional, so unlike the man I
knew.

"He's called Tay and I'm called Tommy." He gave me a small
smile as a tear formed on his pale lashes and slowly rolled
down his cheek.

The Captain explained the malfunction and informed us that
they are working on a solution but at that moment they had
no idea how to proceed.  I set off back to my quarters, the
other Commander's quarters. I was weary, bodily and
emotionally.  Unfortunately Paris followed. I had no option
but to let him in and as I was curious about his
relationship I got him a drink and allowed him to sit down. 
He told me that he and the Commander had always been friends
and that after a few drinks 6 months ago they began dating.
The only problem was Tay’s jealousy of Harry but Tommy said
usually he just became stubborn and then they would argue. 
So he was not entirely unlike the Paris from my world. 
After that came the making up.  But the last argument shook
him up, he was scared that he would lose Tay and had decided
that as soon as the Commander got back from the away mission
he would tell Tay that he loved him. 

The whole idea of a relationship with the pilot was so
ridiculous as to be laughable.  I could not think of a more
unlikely pairing.  There was bigger chance of me and Tuvok
getting it together than me and Paris.  We had a couple of
drinks then I got up hoping that he would take the hint and
leave. He stood up and hesitated. 

"I always sleep with Tay, he comforts me when I have
nightmares. Please let me stay?  I can’t be on my own." 

"I don't think that,"  I didn't get a chance to finish the
sentence as he was blubbering on my shoulder again.

"Look Paris, Tommy, I don’t think it would be wise for you
to stay."  I was trying to peel him off but was finding it
difficult as he sobbed even louder.

"Please, please, let me stay.  I won't be any bother."  He
snivelled and clung to me.

I was too tired to argue so I nodded my agreement.  It felt
strange being in the same bed as Paris especially when he
started dreaming and cuddling up to me.  I was still awake
despite being bone weary, the situation had unsettled me and
left me restless and confused.  Suddenly Tommy woke up with
a start, crying out and grabbing me. I had no option but to
put my arm around him till he stopped shaking.  My emotions
were so confused.  My feelings for the Paris I knew were
mixed with the feelings I had of protection for the
vulnerable young man in my arms.  I stroked his face,
brushing away the beads of sweat, which had formed.  He
reached up and touched my face, pulling me closer. 

"Please kiss me Tay."

Tom Paris’s point of view

Unless he was taking me back to his quarters to thrash the
living daylights out of me, this was going better than I
thought.  When we arrived he got us both a drink and we sat
down. 

"By the way my name's Tay not Chakotay.  I'd appreciate it
if you'd call me that.  Tell me about the Commander and your
relationship with him." He looked at me, earnestly. 

So I told him about our mutual dislike and that it was more
on the commander's side then mine.  That he thought of me as
a mercenary, that I was disloyal and a general fuck up and
that when the commander got this attitude, I reacted by
being a smart ass.  But sometimes I fantasised that we could
be friends.  Tay took this all on board. 

"Are you attracted to him?" he asked pointedly.

What could I say?  I craved his approval but on the few
times he had given me it, I had become so emotional and
choked that my only response was a sarcastic quip.  Which
didn’t endear me to him.  How could I explain to him that I
could take his scorn but his words of support touched
something deep within me that I couldn’t face up to.

"Yeah sometimes, on the odd occasions when he lets his human
side show, which isn't often"

I couldn't tell this stranger that on those rare occasions I
woke up with a raging hard on and Chakotay's face in my
dreams.  Tay's voice broke into my thoughts. 

"Didn’t you think it odd that I came onto you?" Tay looked
at me with a questioning glance.

"Well I admit it threw me at first but I just thought you’d
had a revelation and had changed your mind about me.  I
thought maybe you and Janeway had been arguing."

"What he's with Janeway?"

"I don't know if he's done the dirty with her yet because
he's only just got it together  with her but yes he's
started dating her."

"That thought gives me the creeps. Something puzzles me, if
we don't get on in your reality why did you let me
continue."

"I began to enjoy it."

I reached out for his hand and squeezed,  “and I’d like to
do it again."

He stood up and moved away from me.  "I’m sorry Tom, it
feels like I’m being unfaithful to my Tommy."

I moved behind him and grabbed his arms and kissed his neck. 
"Tay, it’s too late, we’ve done the deed. One more time
isn’t going to hurt anybody and besides maybe your Tommy is
at this moment getting a good fucking by our Commander."  I
said this to him to provoke him but I doubted if it was
true. Chakotay was too straight laced to even consider it
and he certainly wouldn't consider it with a version of me.

I felt him stiffen with anger but by now my hands are up his
shirt caressing his aroused nipples.  I thought a
two-pronged attack was the best strategy, so began sucking
hard on his neck.  He leant back and moaned.  I moved my
hand down and began stroking his erection all the time
licking his neck, sucking on his ear, not giving him time to
think.  I was getting harder and I wanted him in me driving
me into the bed like before.  He turned around and kissed me
then broke away to look at me. 

"Tommy, will you fuck me?"

I felt like my knees were giving away, the room receding, my
life flashing before me.   In my wildest dreams I never
thought I would be kissing the First Officer, but not even
in my most lurid fantasies had I been expecting to hear
those words.  I didn't give him time to change his mind but
moved him into the bedroom.  The few relationships I had
been in with a man I’d always been the bottom, never the top
and the thought of topping the macho, uptight Commander was
making me throb like never before.  Somewhere in the back of
my mind I know that this version of Chakotay was the total
opposite of the restrained Commander of my reality.  But at
that moment all realities were one and all I knew was I
needed to fuck.  I soon had him naked, with my lips around
his cock and my fingers up his tight little hole.

I had thought he was responsive earlier but it was nothing
to him now.  He was continually moaning, thrusting up into
my mouth and then thrusting onto my fingers.  He came with a
roar when I slipped in the third finger, shouting my name,
well not quite my name but Tommy’s.  I couldn't get used to
that, I hadn't been called Tommy since I was four years old. 

Then I was in him, thrusting hard into Chakotay, the man of
my wet dreams.  He told me to go harder, faster, told me to
take him roughly.  I come with a ragged shout but afterwards
as I lay in his arms, I felt empty.  It wasn't what I had
been expecting, the feeling of being taken fulfilling me so
much more.  But he kissed me tenderly and I put that thought
out of my mind.  When I got up to leave, he pulled me back
down.

"I thought you would be staying, what about your
nightmares?"

This stopped me in my tracks. 

"How do you know about them, who told you?"

Panic was beginning to rise in me, making breathing
difficult.  I had told no one on the ship, how could he
know?

"You told me, well Tommy did.  He suffers from them so I
just assumed you would."  He patted the bed next to him. 
“He stays with me every night, some times he cries himself
back to sleep.  It helps when I hold him or if its really
bad, he fucks me good and hard and then he sleeps like a
baby."

I grimaced to myself, I bet he slept like a baby, it sounded
like he acted like one.  It was bad enough that this Tommy
had told Tay but to cry himself to sleep in front of a
commanding officer, was totally out of order.  I didn't know
him but I disliked him already, which was strange because
the bottom line was, he was me.

Tay was now rubbing my back, "Come on Tommy, stay.  You can
be my alarm."

I climbed back in and smiled, kissed his neck and asked,
"and what does that entail?" 

He held me close to him, I could so easily get used to this,
which I knew was dangerous.

"It entails you slicking your dick up and waking me with a
good, hard fuck."

I let him squeeze me but I was beginning to get unsettled by
the big man wanting to play the bottom again.  I had a funny
feeling that when Tay made love to me, it was a rare
occurrence rather than the norm.  When was Tommy boy going
to get a good fuck?  Jeez I was even calling myself Tommy. 

I woke up with the alarm going off.  Actually these had been
the best two nights sleep I'd had in years and a felt
thankful to Tay for this.  No wonder Tommy was keeping this
man happy and as I felt grateful I thought I would wake him
up as he asked.  So oiling up my fingers I begin to prepare
him.  He opened his eyes, looking at me groggily. 

"No Tommy, just put the lube on your cock and push it in."

"I can’t Tay, I’ll hurt you"

"You don’t get it do you Tom, that’s how I like it. Now
slick up and fuck me"

So I did.  He was so tight, I knew I must be hurting him but
as I thrust him down onto the bed, he groaned in pain and
then I could feel him coming and though I felt sick that I
had hurt him, his climax brought me to a shuddering release.

I quickly cleaned up and got dressed and arranged to meet
him later in engineering.  I needed to get away to think.


Chakotay’s point of view

Obviously my mind wasn't in working order as I leant over
and kissed Paris.  I had no sexual feelings for our pilot,
but Tommy was showing me a more vulnerable side and that was
bringing out feelings I didn’t know I was capable of.  He
opened his mouth and moaned and I thrust my tongue in, and
when he sucked on it I was lost.  Lost to my Voyager, lost
to Kathryn.  I was just moving my hand up his chest when he
flipped me over and lay on top of me, rubbing his hardness
against my own.  He was whispering in my ear, words of
endearment, words of sex.  I was so hard I couldn't think
and I couldn't have been thinking when he said he wanted to
fuck me.  It wasn't what I had in mind but it had been a
while and I needed release so I took what was on offer.  I
nodded my agreement and before I could consider what I was
getting into my sleep pants were off and his tongue was
caressing the head of my now solid erection.  The sight of
that blonde head, which had tormented me, goaded me and
angered me, bent over my hard cock made me groan with
pleasure.  I was fucking the smart mouth that had been the
bane of my life on Voyager and just as I though I couldn't
get any harder he had his fingers in me.  Just as I was
enjoying the sensation of being lovingly prepared, it
stopped and he was in me thrusting hard.  I was not ready
for this onslaught but because of my desperate need for
release I climaxed and then he slammed into me hard.  In the
end the orgasm was intense but it didn't feel right and
neither did the fact that he was holding me in his arms with
my head on his shoulder.  I felt it must be the strangeness
of the situation so I tried to relax into it. 

Within minutes he was back asleep but I just lay awake. 
What if Paris, the Paris from my reality was going through
this every night, alone?  I knew he slept with quite a few
people but it is well known he never stayed the night. 
When, if I get back, I would have words with him, help him
if I could.  I eventually fell asleep.

I was awakened later with Tommy trying to push into me. 

I couldn't help myself and cried out, "stop, please Tommy,
your hurting me." 

Thankfully he stopped.  I turned over.  "Let me make love to
you." 

He let me turn him over and I moved onto the top of him.  He
looked puzzled but after a few deep kisses he relaxed into
it.  I spent my time kissing him, stroking and caressing his
body, making him relax.  I felt him shudder as a pushed in
one finger.  Not only would I have the image in my head, of
Paris sucking me but now I would have the picture of me
fucking him.  When I'm back on the my ship and Paris is
giving me a hard time I would be able to hold this memory to
me, maybe then I wouldn't react so badly.  Just the thought
of fucking him made me hard and on the edge of coming.  I
couldn't believe the feelings running through me.  I had
gone from not liking Tom Paris to not getting enough of
Tommy.  I calmed myself, as I wanted it to last.  I didn't
want to fuck him, that wasn't my way, I wanted to make
tender love to him.  It would probably be the only time I
got the chance.  It felt wonderful having his velvet
tightness squeezing me and I knew I was near so I reached
down and stroked his cock, bringing forth deep, heavy moans. 
We came together both groaning each other's name.  I was in
serious trouble; I was beginning to care for this man, more
than I could ever dream possible.

Tom Paris' point of view

Senior staff, including Commander Tay, had been informed
that it was unlikely that there would be a quick solution to
the problem. So Tay and me settled into a routine.  Through
the day, he worked on the transporter while I flew and then
in the evenings we spent time together, with me staying the
night, but that was kept secret from the rest of the crew. 
The gossips had a few things to say but B’Elanna told them
that I was just helping him to adjust and that we got on
better than our First Officer and I ever did.  After the
briefing the captain had given him a wide berth.  On the
second night I walked into Sandrine's and saw Tay, sitting
with Ayala and a few of the ex-Maquis.  At first the crew
had been a bit wary but as they seemed so alike most of the
crew welcomed the new version of the Commander, while not
forgetting the original Chakotay.  I set off to join them,
when one of the Ensigns, who had never liked me, made some
smart ass comment about sucking up to this version of
Chakotay even though I’d prefer to be sucking off our
Commander.  For a moment I though Tay was going to take his
head off.  It was only Ayala stopping him that saved Tay
from the Brig.  This incident set the tone for the days to
come.  Anybody who looked at me in the wrong way, Tay
stepped in, playing the hard man but come bed time he was
begging me to take him.  I soon found out he needed me to
dominate in the bedroom and reluctantly at first, I settled
into the role.  It was not how I imagined things would be
but I got hard just thinking about getting the big man to
beg for a hard fucking.

He was so different to what I imagined the Commander to be,
so strong but yet so unsure, so needy.  One night I was
helping in sickbay and he came in, shut down the doc, called
for a privacy lock then begged me to fuck him over a bio bed
and then one time he dragged me into a utility closet,
pulled down his trousers and wiggled his well prepared ass
at me.  In my wet dreams I had been the one doing the
begging.

One day as I was walking through engineering B’Elanna called
me into her office.

"Ok, flyboy what’s the low down on you and the other
Commander?"  B'Elanna said this with some scorn, she hadn't
taken to Tay as she felt it was being disloyal to Chakotay.

I feigned innocence, "what do you mean, I’m just helping him
to feel welcome, it can’t be easy for him."

"Well what’s with the jealousy and the strong arm act he
keeps pulling in Sandrine's. He won't win any popularity
contests.  He's making some enemies you know. Harry’s too
scared to even talk to you, or he gets the hatchet stare
when he does and while we're talking about that, a few of
the crew have said that you’ve started to look to him for
the answer, when someone asks you a question.  If you had
been even a little bit like this with Chakotay you might
have got on better."

I instantly went on the defensive, "Yeah and if he’d even
shown a little bit of the care Tay shows I wouldn’t have
acted like I did."  I set off for the door.

"He’s fucking you, isn’t he?"

I turned and sat back down.  "Gods, B’Elanna I am so mixed
up. I think I’m developing feelings for him.  I don’t want
him to go back."

"What about Chakotay, our Chakotay, you don’t know what
reality he’s in.  Do you just want to abandon him, just so
you can get a good fuck? He could be suffering, in pain for
all you know.  I didn’t think even you would stoop that
low."

She sat down beside me and held my hand.  “Why can you get
along with this one and not ours?"

"He cares for me, he doesn't look at me as thought I
disappoint him, like I'm one enormous fuck up."  I could
feel myself getting upset, B'Elanna was putting into words,
things I didn’t want to think about.

"So you like him scaring everyone away from you, telling you
what to do, that’s not you Paris, that's not you at all. 
You're independent, feisty, you don't need someone fighting
your battles for you.  He must be giving you are a right
good fucking that's all I can say if you'll put up with all
the shit he keeps dishing out."

"Well he doesn’t actually do it to me."  I began to get
embarrassed; I didn't even know why I was telling her.  "He
likes me to take him.  Hard."

She started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Well I’ll tell you one thing for nothing, Chakotay, the
real Chakotay, wouldn’t be taking it, he’d throw you down
and make passionate love to you. It would be you who would
be getting it good and hard.  I’ll give you a bit of advice,
don’t let Chakotay find out what you’ve been doing with Tay,
he won’t take kindly to the idea that you’ve been fucking
him, in his absence."

I left B'Elanna and walked around.  I knew my feelings were
confused.  There were things about this relationship that I
was clinging to.  I liked the fact that Tay needed me, that
he cared for me.  But there were some things that I didn't,
the increasing sense of isolation from the crew, the feeling
that I was losing their respect.  But I was unwilling to let
it go, I couldn't let it go.  I needed him too much.  I
walked through his cabin doors still going over what Torres
had said, when I was slapped hard across the face.

"What the fuck to do you think you're doing?" I shouted.  I
turned expecting to see one of the Maquis and was taken
aback when I came face to face with Tay. 

"I saw you with Kim, all touchy feely, do you think I don’t
know what’s going on and where have you been till this
time." 

Before I could say anything he ranted on, "I’ll tell you
where you’ve been, slutting it with that Klingon."

By this time he had me pinned up against the wall, his face
filled with fury.  I kneed him in the balls and backed
towards the door.

"If you hit me again Tay I’ll get security, I’m not taking
this shit.  I am not fucking Harry or B’Elanna and while
we’re at it I can fight my own battles when we’re in
Sandrine’s."  I was so angry I was shaking. 

He started walking towards me.

"I said hit me again and I will get security."

"I’m sorry Tommy, I just get so tense when I see you coming
on to other people." He began to look sorry.

"I was not coming on to anybody and I’m not Tommy, I’m Tom
and I don’t put up with any of this shit, do you
understand?"

Straight away he was contrite, stroking my face, "I’m sorry,
I keep forgetting you're not my Tommy, he likes me to be
jealous, he like me to show him I care."

He moved away from me and went into the bedroom.  I was
unsure what to do, so I just stood staring at the bedroom
door wondering what the hell was going on. I heard him shout
me to join him.  I gasped at the sight.  He was leaning over
the bed, bare ass in the air, a leather strap lay next to
him.

"What the hell are you doing?  Tay, there’s no need for
this, get up."  This was way out of my league.

"Please Tommy, I shouldn't have hit you.  I need this, I
need you to punish me, please." 

I would not have considered it normally but I was as mad as
hell with him for hitting me, I was mad with myself for
taking the bullshit. All I wanted was a normal relationship,
based on friendship and good loving. Instead I either got
Commander cold heart or Commander fuck me hard.  With that
thought in my mind I picked up the strap and brought it
down, hard, watched his cheeks redden and heard him moan in
pain and pleasure.  The second time, I realised I was hard
and when he called for me to hit him harder I lost control
and thrashed him till I saw blood. I didn't know if I was
thrashing him for his behaviour or in my mind I was beating
our Chakotay for all the shit he'd put me through.  Tay had
thoughtfully left a jar of oil on the side, so I slicked
myself up, rammed home and rode him with every bit of anger,
lust and desire I had ever had.  I heard him roar his
climax, he hadn't even been touched and the thought that I
could do this to him brought me off as well.  As I lay next
to him I was filled with remorse.

I turned to apologise but he pulled me into his arms, "That
was fantastic, Tom you blow my mind away.  I thought I was
going to explode."

He was kissing me but now the anger had died, I felt way out
of my depth.

Chakotay's point of view

The crew didn't seem to have any problems excepting our
friendship and we settled into a routine while we waited for
a solution to the transporter problem.  I was not in too
much of a hurry, this situation wasn't going to happen back
on my Voyager so I was making the most of it.  I hadn’t
realised how beautiful the pilot was before, how expressive
his eyes where, how long his legs where, especially when
they were tangled with mine. Just the thought made me
aroused.  Of course the problem of what to tell Kathryn once
a got back played on my mind.  But one look at Tommy, naked
and erect on my bed, put paid to those kind of thoughts.

I was sitting with Greg and Geron watching Harry and Tommy
play pool when I realised the atmosphere had changed.  At
first glance it looked like Tommy was flirting with the
Ensign but that couldn't be so, the pilot was so in love
with his Tay that I couldn't imagine him being unfaithful,
apart from me of course.  I felt a stab of jealousy but
fought it down.  I had never been ruled by my emotions.  But
the flirting increased on Tommy’s part, and Harry seemed to
be trying to get away.  I asked Ayala what was going on and
he explained that Tommy and Tay went through this ritual
every so often.  Greg though that they just got off on it. 
I was not about to play this game so I left.  Thirty minutes
later, Tommy came into the cabin, timidly.  I asked him what
he thought he was playing at, flirting with Harry.  I was
shocked at his response.  He sidled up to me. 

"Are you jealous Tay, did you see Harry rubbing himself
against me.  Did it make you mad?  He's always making a play
for me, he'd love to get me in bed.  Are you angry, are you
mad enough to hit me.” 

I grabbed him by the arms, "I don’t go around hitting
people, for no good reason.  I don’t know what crazy scene
you and the other Commander have going but it's not what I’m
into, OK and my name's Chakotay not Tay."

I stormed into the bedroom to get away from him.  He came
and lay next to me, put his arm around me, began whispering
in my ear.

"I know you don't want me or you would be jealous.  I know
Tay loves me because he gets so angry if he sees me with
anyone else and Tay knows I love him when I punish him. 
Don’t you want me to spank you then fuck you hard.  Tay
likes me to do it to him, do you want me to do it to you?" 
His voice has dropped to a seductive purr.

I jumped up.  "No."

He began to cry so I took him in my arms, rocking him. 
"Come on Tommy, let me show you how I feel by making love to
you."   Tommy nodded, his body responding as I made love to
him gently.

Lying in my arms he had a look of pure joy on his face. 
"Tay has not made love to me like that in a long time. He
nearly always insists I take him roughly.  That was
wonderful."  He leant over and kissed me gently.  "I'm so
glad I met you."

I was allowed on the bridge, but Tommy wasn't the smart
mouth of my ship.  In fact he deferred to everything I said.
I noticed he asked my opinion all the time; what he should
eat, what he should wear when we went out.  One night one of
the Maquis was having a jibe at him and he looked to me to
sort it out.  I took him to one side and told him that he
was quite capable of standing up for himself.  Unfortunately
in that instance I had to intervene but the day after when
another incident occurred he managed to speak for himself. 

The crew seemed to welcome me, apparently even though
Commander Tay played the big macho man when it came to
Tommy, when he was on the bridge he was a bit of a ditherer,
with Tuvok and the Captain second guessing him all the time. 
When we engaged a battleship I instinctively shouted out
orders.  The crew looked to the captain for reassurance and
she nodded.  The crew immediately followed what I said and
we came out of the engagement with little damage.  I was the
toast of the bridge, the captain practically purring when
she talked to me.  Which brought back to me the guilt I felt
at cheating on Kathryn.  Our relationship was at the
beginning, it wouldn’t survive if she found out about me and
Tommy.  But even knowing this I couldn't give him up. After
shift we headed back for my quarters.  Tommy was quiet on
our walk back but as soon as we get through the door he
pushed me to the wall.

"Please, I need to be in you, I need to fuck you now." He
was rubbing his self against me like a dog on heat.

I grabbed him, "if there's any taking Tommy it will be me, I
though I had made that plain."

He stepped away from me, looked me straight in the eye but
said nothing.  For what seems like ages we just stared at
each other.  Then slowly he undid his trousers letting them
fall to the floor.  He stepped out of them and walked
towards me.  Caressing my jaw he traced my mouth with his
thumb, pushing it in so I could suck it.   He lent in to
whisper in my ear.

"You were magnificent today on the bridge.  Please let me
make love to you.  Let me make you mine Chakotay."

He had never called me Chakotay before, not when we were
making love.  This made it more real as though for the first
time it was him and me and not him and Tay.  I had tears in
my eyes as he bent down to take me into his mouth, as he
began to worship every inch of my body.

Tom Paris' point of view

In between the bouts of masochistic behaviour Tay was quite
tender and caring.  It was still me on top but it was more
normal, still hard but more loving.  But every few days I
could feel the tension building up in him and I would play
my part.  In fact if I thought about it, I played it too
well.  Harry and B'Elanna had both asked me about it a few
times, concerned about my appearance, my nervy behaviour.  I
knew what we were doing wasn't right, wasn't normal, but
every time I thought about the power I had over him I
couldn't resist.  I couldn't even get Chakotay to
acknowledge me as a worthwhile human being but I could bring
Tay to his knees with jealousy and lust.  That kind of power
didn't come to me often and I was becoming addicted to the
effect I had on my new lover.

While Tay was here, he had been given Chakotay's duties and
he was doing them adequately.  Not quite with the force of
character that our First Officer did things but if for some
reason he ended up staying, the crew would have to realise
they may look the same but they were different people.

We had come across a friendly planet and the captain and
Tuvok went on an away mission to negotiate crossing their
area of space and to see if we could purchase some supplies. 
The captain had trusted Tay enough to put him in charge of
the bridge, but she had taken me to one side and asked me to
keep an eye on him.  Not long after the away team had
departed we unexpectedly drew hostile fire from a
neighbouring planet.  All hell let loose on the bridge and
everyone looked to Tay for guidance but he was busy wavering
about what decision to make.  I looked over at Ayala and
Harry and seeing their concerned faces quickly took command. 
Shouting out orders to tactical I flew like I'd never flown
before and eventually we got out of it with the minimum of
casualties.  When everything had calmed Tay jumped up and
started giving orders and I saw that the bridge crew were
very reluctant to follow him. 

"I'll deal with this Commander if you have things to see to
in your office."

He nodded with a look of relief on his face and high tailed
it off the bridge.

"He nearly got us killed.  He needs to be off the bridge,
he's a danger to himself and us."  Ayala's looked like he
was ready to kill.

I turned around, angry at Tay's behaviour but not wanting to
admit to anyone else he was weak.

"He's our First Officer and you should show him more respect
than that unless you want to end up in the brig."  I squared
up to Ayala making it plain I was the senior officer.

"Well Paris, I'll point out something you seemed to have
forgotten.  He's not our First Officer, that's Chakotay and
Chakotay has never let us down.  All this commander is, is
your fuck toy and that's all he's good for.  I'll make sure
that the Captain hears about this shambles when she returns. 
Whatever games you play, that's up to you, but I am going to
make sure they stay off the bridge."

I knew he was right and that thought made me even angrier
than Tay's actions had.  I barked out my orders for repairs
and told my replacement to set a course to meet the captain
and Tuvok.

I marched to his office and I could see straight away that
some of the bravado had come back.  When he started saying
how well we had done I saw red.  I started shouting at him,
describing how the crew had lost confidence in him.  He
began saying how sorry he was, begging me to forgive him.  I
only knew one way of dealing with this situation so I
ordered him to his room, told him to prepare himself.

I didn't realise I much I had lost it till I saw his tear
stained face.  I had beaten and taken him and at no time did
I consider him.  I just needed to take my anger out on him. 
Now I knew this game had gone too far.  I cleaned him up,
regenerated the damage, apologised.  He turned to me, still
looking shocked.

"I'm not him.  However much you want it, I can't be him."

I pulled him towards me, full of remorse.  "I don't want you
to be him."

"I heard you, when you were fucking me.  You called me
Chakotay."

I was confused.  "I didn't. You know I've no interest in
him, only you."

He grabbed my chin.  "Don’t dare call me it again, Tom." 
His voice was cold, menacing.  The same voice he got when he
was going to slap me. 

Fortunately the captain called me and I could get away
before we went any further down the increasingly weird path
I seemed to be travelling along.  The time had come to stop
being Tommy and to bring the commander back.  In fact I’d
not smirk once while he told me off.


Chakotay's point of view

Tommy was getting stronger in character day by day and it
was a pleasure to see.  Even Ayala and Harry pulled me aside
and thanked me for giving Tommy the confidence to make his
own decisions.  But he had still a long way to go. He still
had the long, irritating crying sessions, the need for my
approval.  But our lovemaking improved with each passing day
and Tommy's deliberate purposeful flirting had ceased.  He
still felt the need to take me from time to time, and I
sometimes agreed.  But he was getting to like my style of
lovemaking more and more.  But I missed my crew, my Voyager,
I even missed Tom Paris.  This crew didn't mind breaking
rules, just to get them a little nearer home.  The Captain
spent most of her time with Ayala in her quarters leaving
Tuvok in charge.  He spent most of his time eyeing up Ensign
Kim.  If I could just be back on my Voyager with Tommy it
would be perfect.  Well would be if Tommy had some of Paris'
backbone and sense of humour. 

The day came when I got the call.  This B'Elanna was as
equally as smart as the one back on my ship.  She had found
out that this Voyager and my Voyager were running on
parallel paths and that every so often a sub space corridor
opened up between them.  Normally we wouldn't have been
aware of each other but the transporter malfunction had
occurred as one of these corridors opened up.  We had forty
eight hours before it closed.  We would have to wait till
the next day to transport, as that was when the corridor was
the strongest. The captain had contacted my Voyager and
tomorrow I was going back.  One more night of loving, or so
I thought but Tommy just cried and cried.  Begged me to
stay, saying he wouldn't be able to live without me.  In the
end I just held him and tried to reassure him.  When the
time came for me to go back I was relieved. I was fed up
with the crying, the constant reassurance, and taking it up
the ass.

It was time for me to go home.

Tom Paris' point of view

The other Voyager had contacted us, Tay was going back.  He
wasn't too pleased about it but saw the sense in it.  I was
sad to lose him but in a way I was relieved.  It had been
nice having someone love me, to hold me when the nightmares
came. But all the weird shit had got me spooked and it would
be good to have Chakotay back on the bridge and know we
could trust him to do the right thing.  We spent our last
night in Sandrine's.  We were sat having a drink when he
suggested I go play pool with Harry.  I argued but he gave
me the look and for peace and quiets sake I went over and
asked Harry to play.  He gave me a wary glance but nodded. 

As soon as we were back in his quarters he started his game. 
I could see him working himself up into a frenzy of jealousy
but I was too tired and turned to head for the bedroom.  He
slapped me and then begged my forgiveness.  We went through
the usual routine and I thrashed and fucked him soundly. 
But for me it was now an empty act.  I now knew this was not
what I wanted. 

We said our goodbyes in his cabin.  Only the captain and
Tuvok would be in the transporter room when the exchange was
done. We were informed that Chakotay had been returned to us
successfully.  I expected to see him around, and I was
nervous, but he'd been given 48 hours to adjust.  I was
apprehensive but I knew some time soon we would have to talk
and put this behind us.  He never left his room.  I heard
through B'Elanna that the whole experience had unsettled
him.  Me and him both.

After a day of  stressing myself out I made my way to his
quarters.  I had decided that the best thing would be to
talk it out with him, be straight, put things into
perspective and put it behind us. 

He let me in and straight away I could see this has been a
hard time for him.

"I thought it best if we discussed what happened and then we
can put it behind us." I looked at him nervously to see how
he had taken this statement.

"Yes I think we should." We both sat down, silent for a
moment as we both contemplated what had transpired.

"Chakotay, I'm sorry for the argument I caused before this
happened.  I want to apologise for what I said to you."

"No Tom, it's me who should be apologising to you.  You were
right I was hard on you."

We both smiled and then the silence settled again.

Eventually he began talking about the crew on the other
ship, telling me about their unscrupulous behaviour, about
the other Janeway and Ayala's relationship, which set us
both off laughing.  As we stopped our eyes met and for a
moment understanding passed between us. I thought it was
time to be straight with him.

"Chakotay, I need to lay things on the line with you. I
developed a friendship with the other Chakotay.  His name
was Tay and we became extremely close.  I wanted to tell you
before gossip got to you and you know how they can twist
things."

Chakotay jumped up and began pacing. He turned to me, with I
swear a sneer on his face.

"Tell me Paris, how come you can become close to someone
you've known for 5 minutes and me, who you've known years
you cannot even be civil too.  You can develop a deep
friendship with him but you can't even talk to me.  In fact
you put me down at every opportunity.  Are we so different?

I jumped up so I could be level with him.  He had said all
this with a disgusted look on his face, the look that I
didn’t react well too and this time was no different.

"Yes you are different.  He is warm, compassionate, sensual. 
He treats me with love and kindness.  You know something
commander I envy Tommy."

I knew I’d said enough but I couldn’t stop.  “And if there
had been a way I’d have made sure that’s the commander that
had stayed on this ship, not the tight ass, regimented cold
hearted bastard we have now.”

I walked out, not letting him say another word. We were back
to square one, after what I had said maybe even further
back.  Later talking it over with Harry he made me see that
I had over reacted.  That Tay, in the end, wasn't any of the
things I had described and neither was Chakotay.  I was
regretting my temper and hasty words and decided to seek him
out and try to repair the damage.

I saw him with Greg and some of the other ex-Maquis.  I
approached them and asked Chakotay if I could have a private
word.  One of the crew, who I had never got on with made
some remark about the commander not being the pushover the
other one was.  I ignored him and sat down anyway and the
others got up and left, all looking at me with either
derision or disgust.  I realised then how far I had lost the
respect of the crew.  I told Chakotay I would like to
apologise.  He looked at me with those eyes that said I was
nothing.

“The only thing you need to apologise for is that you're not
Tommy.  So you think you're the only one that made friends. 
I’ll tell you this Mr Paris, my relationship with him was so
far from ours that it is not even in the same universe."  I
looked at him, shocked, unbelieving on what I was hearing. 
He continued without giving me chance to talk.

"Making love with him was the sweetest experience of my life
and what have I got in its place, Mr if I can fuck it up I
will Paris.  You're not the only one disappointed with the
arrangement, Lieutenant.   Now if you don’t mind I would
rather be in company I enjoy.” 

He got up and left me to sit in the booth.  It had never
occurred to me that he would have a relationship with Tommy. 
Though I had had fantasies about him he had never shown any
inclination regards me.  So how had Tommy enticed him.  The
thought of Tommy, even though he was a version of me, made
me sick to the stomach.

I decided that I would just have to keep our relationship
professional on the bridge and avoid him the rest of the
time.  My dream that we could be friends and even more was
straight out the airlock  I was in shock.  The thought of
Chakotay and Tommy having a relationship had never been a
serious consideration. 

His last sentence cut through me.  Friendship was not even
on the cards.  He had more or less said he didn't even like
me.  To say I was hurt and stunned was an understatement.  I
made my way back to my quarters.  The more I thought about
Tommy the more I hated him.  He not only had got Tay now but
he'd also had Chakotay, still had his heart.  Now I had no
one.  At least with Tay I felt as though someone cared for
me, someone wanted me and he had wanted me so much.  I
sobbed as I realised Chakotay couldn't even bare to look at
me never mind talk to me.  In the end I had wanted Tay to go
but now I just wished he was back soothing away all the
hurt.  At least when I was pounding into his body I felt
powerful.  Now with the return of Chakotay all the bad
feelings I had about myself came flooding back.

I had to play it by the book or I wouldn't survive.  The
next time we locked horns I knew I would end up in the brig
and I just wouldn't get through it.  If I didn’t give him
anything to get on my back about maybe I could get passed
this.


Chakotay's point of view

I had been stung by Paris' words.  It had never occurred to
me that Tom would have a relationship with the other
Commander.  He had shown no interest in me, but then I had
not shown any in him and still I had started a relationship
with Tommy.  Were we all so different that Paris and I
couldn’t even be civil. 

I hadn't told Kathryn about my relationship with Tommy.  I
certainly hadn't intended to blurt it out to Paris. I wasn't
sure if he would keep his mouth shut but I could lie with
the best of them.  If he spoke up I would deny it.  I was
sure that Kathryn would believe me over Paris.  Luckily, she
backed off a little, giving me time to adjust to what had
happened.  I think she hoped we would pick things back up
but I didn’t think so.  I had changed too much over this
incident.  My thoughts were with Tommy and the thought of
making love to Kathryn no longer held any excitement for me.

It had been a couple of weeks since the incident and I had
settled back into the routine.  Quite a few of the crew said
how pleased they were to see me back and to see the back of
the other commander. Paris wasn't the smart mouth he was
before, keeping everything above board so I couldn't call
him on anything. If I was honest with myself I missed his
jokes, even the ones at my expense. I still dreamt of making
love with Tommy, but sometimes he changed into the
antagonistic Paris.  It always brought me to climax but made
me uncomfortable sitting behind him on the Bridge.  Greg
filled me in on what had been going on, the jealousy, the
games and he had heard through the grapevine that Tay had
even hit Tom.  Greg also told me about the incident when he
nearly got everyone killed.  A bully and a coward, I don’t
think I would have liked him at all.

One day we are orbiting an M class planet with many natural
resources.  The Captain had given orders for Paris and me to
go down and collect as many mineral deposits as possible. 
We would be down on the planet two days.  I couldn't argue
with her, though I would have liked to. But because we were
the best for the job I didn’t have an argument.  About an
hour from our destination, we were set upon by a battleship. 
Paris did some nifty flying and I managed to get some good
shots in.  Eventually we managed to evade them but our
shuttle had taken heavy damage and we had to crash land.
Paris was unconscious.  I dragged him out, cleaned him up
and made camp.  By the time he came round, the fire was
blazing and the meal was nearly ready. Until there was a
break in the atmosphere, communication to Voyager was
blocked.

I heard him coming around and went over to him.

“You Ok, Paris?”

He nodded, “I’m sorry.” 

I thought for a moment he was apologising for the bad blood
between us. 

“I shouldn’t have crashed, I should have flown better than
that.” He started to get agitated. 

I put my hand on his arm, “Paris, you're not to blame.  You
did your best. It could have happened to anybody. OK,” 

He nodded and closed his eyes.  I got him a small portion of
food, which he managed to eat and then he fell asleep.  I’d
been asleep about 4 hours when I was awakened by a scream
and sobs.  It was Paris having a nightmare.  I didn't know
what to do so I did what I did with Tommy and took him in my
arms and rocked him.  His sobs slowly subsided and he opened
his eyes. 

“Oh gods Commander, I’m sorry.”  He began to get upset
again. 

“Paris, shh, let me hold you while you go back to sleep, it
worked for Tommy.”

I felt him stiffen but then he relaxed.  “Do you want to
talk about it?” 

I pulled him to me, the memories of my time with Tommy
coming to the surface.  I had to remind myself that this was
a different person. 

“The crash brought back memories of another time.” He
shuddered against my shoulder. 

I began stroking his back and I felt him relax.  “Commander,
I’m sorry.”

“I've told you it wasn't you're fault. You have nothing to
be sorry for.” 

“No, not about the crash.  About saying those things.  Tay
wasn't quite the man I made him out to be.  Yes he was kind,
well at first, and caring but he had strange ways, he was a
control freak and we couldn't depended on him in a crisis.”

 “Yeah I heard.” 

"I did want you back, I knew we wouldn’t get home without
you.” 

We had got quite settled and the conversation started to
become comfortable. 

“When you said he had some strange ways, do you want to tell
me about them?”

He seems a bit reluctant but then he laughed and started to
talk.

 “Well first off it was good, we got on, he came onto me. Of
course he didn’t know it was me, thought I was Tommy.  I can
tell you by the time you came back I was sick of that name. 
It was good at first, good to be loved, good to be cared
for. But then he started getting jealous and hitting me. 
But that was only a prelude to a sick game he played where
he become contrite and then want the living daylights
knocked out of him, one way or another.”  Tom laughed
nervously. 

I laughed as well and looked at him.  “Sorry Paris, it’s
just I know that game, Tommy tried to play it with me but I
wasn't having any of it.” 

Paris went silent for a moment.  “Commander, did you comfort
him when he had dreams?” 

"Yes”

“How?” 

"I used to kiss him and sometimes we'd make love."  I didn’t
want to tell Paris that sometimes it was Tommy doing the
fucking.  Somehow I thought it would make me less of a man
in his eyes. 

“Chakotay, would you kiss me now?” 





Part 2 Momentary lapse of reason

Chakotay's point of view

"Chakotay, would you kiss me now?"

I looked at the man lying next to me, the fire throwing a
light around him making his blonde hair seem as though he
was surrounded by a halo.

I didn't move, just looked at him.  I had to be sure who I
was kissing.  Was it the memory of Tommy I wanted or was it
the feisty, but vulnerable man who had tormented me every
step of the way. If it were Tommy I would only cause hurt,
to Tom and to myself.   I had to be sure. 

"I'm sorry.  I know it's Tommy that you want.  Why would you
want someone like me, a total fuck up?"  He turned his back
to me and still I did nothing, just stared at him.  I should
have reached out and comforted him, reassured him but I
couldn't.  So I just lay there, staring at the stars, trying
to sort out my mixed emotions. 

The question that kept going around in my head was did I
fall for Tommy because I really wanted Paris?  Have I always
wanted Paris and not been man enough to face up to it.  The
arguments with him had been wearing but his banter on the
bridge secretly amused me, his ability to fly anything
better than anyone I knew filled me with pride.  Despite
everything, all the fights and clashes, I have to admit he'd
put his life on the line more than once, not just for
Voyager but me personally.  Could I have the best of what I
had with Tommy, because if I am honest, there was quite I
lot I didn't like, and the best of Tom.  The bottom line
was, did I want Tom Paris, in my life and in my bed?  I
think the answer was yes, I did.

I drifted off back to a restless sleep, knowing that Tom
would think by not kissing him that I had rejected him.  I
would just have to show him otherwise. 

I felt like I had only just fallen asleep when once again
Tom's cry of anguish filled the air.  I instantly pulled him
to me.

"Shush, it's only a dream.  Your safe with me."  I rocked
him gently till he came around.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He was nearly sobbing as he tried to
pull away from me,

"No need to be sorry, let me hold you."

He let me pull him into my embrace as I began to stroke his
brow.  He quietened as I pulled him closer.  He looked up to
me, with such an open, fragile face that I had to lean
forward.  I needed to kiss the worry from him, reassure him
that everything would be all right.  Our lips met, gently at
first and then with increasing passion as he pulled me to
him.  This felt so good, so right.  His hands snaked up my
back, trying to remove my clothes.  He moaned or murmured at
my every touch.  I moved back a little to get a better look
at him, taking in his aroused face, his tousled hair.  I
wanted to take this slowly but seeing him like this filled
me with so much need.

"I want you Tom, I want you so bad."  I slipped my hand down
to lightly stroke the hard bulge that was so apparent.

He looked at me through half closed eyes, sucking his bottom
lip like some wanton angel.  "Take me Tay, make me yours."

I froze.  He didn't want me, he just wanted a substitute for
his lover.  How could I have been so stupid to have fallen
for this, for him.  I should have known better.  I moved
away from him, jumping quickly to my feet, leaving him
startled.

"What's the matter, what did I do?"

I stared at him and I couldn't help the contempt that
appeared on my face.  "I'm not Tay, Paris. I'm Chakotay.  I
think you forgot that for a moment.

He quickly stood, his face distraught, as he understood his
mistake.

"Chakotay, it was just a slip of the tongue.  I know you're
not Tay, I don’t want him.  I want you.

"I'm not playing this game, Paris.  I won’t be a substitute
for the man you really want."

I began to move away, regretting that I had let my guard
down.

"No Chakotay, you're wrong.  It's you I need, want.  Please
Chakotay I know you want me."

"You do?"

"You said you wanted me, you kissed me as thought you wanted
me."  He began to move towards me.

I stepped back, "It was a momentary lapse of reason, Paris,
that's all it was.  I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."

Just as I turned, the Captain's voice comes though the
communicator.  "Commander we have a situation on Voyager. 
We are in transporter range.  I need you and  Mr Paris to
transport back immediately and come straight to the briefing
room.  I'll send someone down to get the shuttle."

"Yes captain," was all I could manage.


Tom Paris' point of view

What the fuck had just happened.  I couldn't believe he had
gone off the deep end just because I called him Tay. He must
know it was just a slip of the tongue and then for him to
say his passion was a momentary lapse of reason on his part. 
I felt as if I was falling apart.  I was  just glad I didn't
have the time to think as we dashed to see the captain but
as soon as this was over we were going to talk even if I had
to put a phaser to his head. 

As we walked through the briefing room doors, all eyes
turned to us.  Harry looked at me nervously, which in turn
made me jittery.  This meeting surely could not be about
something I had done wrong or could it.  By the way everyone
was looking at me I thought it could.

"Commander, Lieutenant please sit down.  An hour ago we had
an unexpected visitor and I am at a loss as to what we do
with him." 

The captain was looking at me.  My first thought, ridiculous
though it was, was that my father had somehow found a way
onto Voyager.  I just stared at the captain waiting for her
to say who the visitor was.

"The Commander from the other Voyager is here.  He says he
has come for Mr Paris."

To say I was stunned was an understatement.  All eyes were
still on me including Chakotay's.

"How?"  The commander's voice brought all eyes to him.  "How
did he manage to find his way back?"

"Apparently his Voyager has considerably more data on the
phenomenon that created the transporter accident.  He
downloaded the information and recreated the circumstances
of the malfunction."  The captain's voice was tight,
controlled. She looked away from Chakotay to me, I think to
see my reaction to this news.

"Why?"  Again Chakotay was asking the questions I should
have been asking.  "Why as he come back for Paris?"

"That we don't know, he says he would explain when Tom got
back.  I think the best thing to do would be to bring him in
and let him enlighten us as to why he has taken this action. 
When we have heard his explanation we need to decide what to
do."

I watched as the commander shot out of his seat, "surely he
will be going back."

"At the moment Chakotay I can't see this happening.  The
datapad he had with him, which held all the data was
destroyed when he transported onto Voyager, either
accidentally or deliberately. B'Elanna thinks there is a
question mark over whether it was accidental.  Have you a
problem with meeting him again, Tom?"

I heard Chakotay give a snort of derision that instantly
brought out the awkward and stubborn streak in me.

"No captain I've got no problem with that."

The captain commed Ayala and told him to bring the other
commander to the briefing room.  I readied myself, not sure
what my reaction would be.

He entered the room and gave me a big smile and I noticed a
small snarl at Chakotay.

"Now Mr Paris is here would you like to explain yourself
commander?"

"I've retuned to be with you Tom, your mine, I want you and
I missed you." He looked at me and I recognised the hunger
in his eyes, the look of possession that I responded to last
time.

"And what about Tommy?"  I watched as Chakotay and Tay faced
each other, both of them bristling with barely concealed
hostility. 

"Tommy's not the man he used to be, you spoiled him
commander.  I've come here to be with the man I love that's
unless you've claimed him for yourself."

I was so wrapped up in the fact that Tay had said he loved
me, me not Tommy, it took a while for Chakotay's reply to
register.

"I'm not interested in Mr Paris, never have been.  He's all
yours."  With those words he killed any chance of us
salvaging a relationship.

I turned and smiled.

"It's good to see you again."  Before I knew what was
happening he crossed the room and took me in his arms.

The captain coughed to attract our attention.  "While we
decide how to proceed, we need to know what to call you, to
avoid confusion with our Chakotay.  Have you any thoughts on
that?"  The captain looked towards our visitor.  While he
had been on our ship before everyone had just called him
Commander, only I called him Tay.

"Tay.  His name is Tay."  I said this knowing it would hurt
Chakotay.  Knowing but not caring that it would hurt him.

The captain dismissed Tay back to the visitor's quarters
while we decided how to proceed.

Straightaway Chakotay made his point.  "He has to go back,
we have to find a way to send him back.  There's no place on
this Voyager for him and I suggest he is confined to
quarters till we find a solution."

I didn't give the captain chance to answer.  "He was welcome
on the ship before, I cannot see why he can't be welcomed
this time.  I think he should have free reign like last
time."  I give the commander a defying look.

"I'm sure you'd like him to have free reign and I am certain
you will make him feel very welcome, Mr Paris, even if
no-one else does."  He looked at me as though there was just
us two in the room and his face was a picture of disgust. 
In his eyes I could see that he meant every word, that his
attraction was a lapse, that I was nothing and never had
been and never would be.

I looked away from the cold hard stare and saw that everyone
was watching this exchange.  I rearranged my face, putting
away the hurt and slipped into fly boy mode.  It was easy, I
had to do it so often, especially around the commander.

"On with the business in hand, gentleman.  What I propose is
that Commander Tay be given unlimited access into
unrestricted areas only.  B'Elanna I want you to get a team
together to work on a solution.  Whatever his intention or
motives are, there is no place on Voyager for him but while
he is here I want the crew to treat him as before. 
Dismissed.  Commander I would like a word with you before
you head to your quarters."

Commander Chakotay's point of view

As usual the captain got straight to the point, "What's
going on with you and Lieutenant Paris?"

"We had a disagreement down on the planet, that's all.  The
usual thing, his attitude."

"You know Tom had a relationship with this other commander,
I sensed you had a problem with that."

"Who Tom has a relationship with is his own business.  I
just don't think this man will be good for him."

"And how do you come up with that assumption."

Now was the time to bite the bullet, be straight with the
Captain, as far as Tommy anyway. "Kathryn, I'm sorry.  I
should have told you this before but while I was on the
other Voyager I became very close to their Tom Paris and he
revealed some things about this Tay that I am not
comfortable with.  But our Mr Paris is quite capable of
making his own decisions.

Her voice became very cold, very formal.  "What do you mean
by close?"

"Kathryn, I didn’t mean for it to happen but we became very
close, intimate."

"And you didn’t think to tell me?"

"I didn’t want to hurt you.  I thought we could just resume
our courtship and the other was best forgotten about.  But
the guilt got the better of me so I backed off.

"You didn't think to mention anything in the report about a
relationship."

"I just wanted to forget about it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's not much to say.  Tommy was very different to
Paris, very vulnerable and needy, didn’t have the attitude
of our pilot.  I didn't expect anything to happen but it
did.  I'm sorry I was just overwhelmed with feelings for
him.  Anyway I gathered from what Tommy and the crew said
that Tay was very controlling with his lover and I do know
he was in to sadistic sex games.  I am just a little worried
that Paris will fall under his influence again."

"I knew there was something wrong when you came on board.  I
didn’t for one minute imagine that it was this.  We will
have to put it to one side and discuss it later.  For now we
need to find a solution to this problem.  As for Tom Paris,
we will keep an eye on the situation, he's a grown man. 
But, Chakotay, if you are at all concerned I want you to
come to me straight away.



Lieutenant Tom Paris' point of view

With Chakotay's derogatory remarks still in ringing in my
ears I made my way down to the guest quarters.  The
commander may think I'm worthless but Tay thought I was
worth coming back for.  He'd abandoned the wonderful Tommy
for me.  Well fuck Chakotay.  I had got somebody who cared
for me, which is more than Chakotay did.

I rang the chime and entered when the door opened.  Tay
walked towards me, with that possessive smile on his face. 

"So Tom, you were a long time on that planet with the
commander, I hope you behaved yourself."

"We haven’t got that kind of relationship and you know it." 
I didn’t see it coming but I sure felt it when he backhanded
me across the jaw.

"I have given up my life and friends for you.  I do not want
you whoring yourself to him as soon as my back's turned."

I moved back  but he moved forward and hit me hard again.

"This is for your own good Tom, because I love you and I
know you don’t want to disappoint me."

He loved me.  I began to get upset.  My father used to beat
me and then tell me he loved me.  So Tay must love me
because he's always hitting me, for my own good.  The memory
of Chakotay's lips on mine, the argument, Tay arriving and
now this accumulated in my mind and I begin to shake,
sinking to the floor as tears begin to slowly run down my
cheeks. 

"Oh Spirits Tom, what have I done.  I am so sorry."  He
gathered me into his arms, caressing my hair, soothing me.
"I do love you and I was so scared that I had lost you to
him."

I pressed into him for comfort and he squeezed me harder.

"I'm sorry Tom.  You know what you need to do. I shouldn't
have hurt you."  

I nodded as I gained control of my feelings.  As the thought
of thrashing and then fucking this man built in my mind I
felt empowered.  I realised that Tay was not the one in
control, I was.  I could make him jealous, make him angry,
make him penitent, make him groan with pleasure.  I could do
all this and all because he loved me.  I stood up

"Go into the bedroom Tay and prepare yourself."

He nodded mutely.

Despite my jaw aching I was hard at the thought of what was
to come.  Walking into the bedroom I stood and took in the
sight of the man  who loved me, who had just struck me, bent
over ready for a good beating. 

Every time I struck him, I thought of a reason why I was
doing it.  Half way through, I dimly realised that I had
swapped the reasons why I was hitting Tay for the reasons I
wanted to hit Chakotay.  As I thought of the rejection down
on the planet I thrashed Tay hard and he screamed as he
came.  But I didn't give him chance to pause for breath as I
oiled up and pushed in.  This was so good.  I was making him
moan with pleasure, me who Chakotay though was worthless,
was making Tay moan.  I slammed in hard and exploded within
him.

As he lay in my arms I realised how confused my thinking had
become.  I was mixing my feelings for Tay with the ones I
had developed for Chakotay.  I would have to think on this
before I got deeper into things.

We carried on as we had done before.  Chakotay had persuaded
the Captain to let him cover the Gamma shift, obviously to
avoid both Tay and me.  Harry had tried to warn me off Tay,
saying he was a bad influence.  But after a few days Harry
only talked to me on duty, rarely did he talk to me
socially.  I suspected that Tay had warned him off.

Tay has been on Voyager two weeks.  In that time I had
hardly seen Chakotay and I realised what a positive
influence he was on the bridge, steadfast, quick thinking
and dependable.   I couldn't see these qualities before but
now he was not about I could see all the positive things I
liked about him.

That's not to say Tay and me weren't having a good time.  He
was loving and sensual, though again always on the bottom. 
That hadn't changed.  And neither had the fact that  every
few days tension would build up between us and I began to do
something deliberate to cause a reaction.  Usually I flirted
with an unsuspecting ensign or if I really wanted to make
him mad, I'd flirt and then say something complimentary
about Chakotay.  It usually bought me a good thrashing but
after I had returned the favour and added a good fucking
into the bargain the tension lifted and we would be back to
the loving relationship.

I'd just got off a bad shift when I heard Harry telling
someone that Chakotay had asked him to join him in
Sandrine's for a drink. I didn't know why but I felt hurt,
jealous, even wounded.  I could feel the tension begin to
coil within me just ready to uncurl and pounce. 

Tay took a little persuading to go out.  He didn't like
socialising, the crew weren't as friendly to him as they
were last time. But we eventually got to the Holodeck and I
began our little game.  He sat at the bar and watched while
I played pool with Gerron.  I brushed by Gerron a couple of
times and he looked puzzled at my closeness but I knew Tay
was watching, his love for me growing with his anger.  The
doors opened and I glanced up to see Harry and Chakotay
enter and take a table.  The need to hurt someone and pound
into their body was building in me but for that to happen I
first had to feed Tay's jealousy so we could complete the
game.  When I was beating and fucking him so hard I couldn't
think, I found a kind of freedom. 

I walked, even sashayed my way over to the table where the
Commander and Harry were deep in conversation.  I could feel
Tay's eyes on me all the way.

"Mind if I join you.  I'm not interrupting anything am I?" 
I sat anyway not giving them time to answer. 

"How are you Commander I haven't seen much of you lately?"

"I've been busy Paris, and I hear so have you."

I saw the same sneer, heard the same derision in his voice. 
This was a mistake. I got up to leave.

"Sorry Tom, that was uncalled for, please sit back down." 
He reached out and rested his hand on mine.  I felt a sense
of thrill, I knew Tay would have seen the gesture.  I sat
back down, stoking his hand with my thumb.  He quickly
removed it and ordered three drinks. 

"How are you Tom, you look a bit under the weather?" 

"I'm fine, never been happier."  I saw him grimace. Good,
served the bastard right.

I looked towards Tay and I could see I was getting near his
limit, so I got up to leave.  I don't know why I did it but
I lent down and touched my lips to Chakotay's, just
momentarily.

"Goodnight Chakotay, goodnight Harry."


Chakotay's point of view

I brought my hand up to my face and touched the spot where
his lips had been.  I looked across to Harry.  "What’s he
playing at?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about.  It hasn't taken
long but I've heard they're into that weird stuff again and
a few people have told me that they've heard screams coming
from their cabins, both Tom's and his.  He doesn't look well
Chakotay, you've got to have a word with him.  You owe him
that."

"What makes you say I owe him?"

"He once told me that his father used to beat him and then
afterwards tell him he loved him and I know that's what Tay
does.  But I don’t think he would have allowed it if you
hadn’t have made him feel so worthless.  Every time you've
criticised him, every time you looked at him with that
sneer, just reinforced how worthless he is.  Please have a
talk to him, make him see sense." 

Harry looked nervous, he didn’t know how I would react to
his blunt accusation.

I nodded, deep down I knew there was some truth in what
Harry was saying and I could see with the tension on his
face that it had taken a lot of courage for the Ensign to
actually tell me face to face.

"I'll try but I think he would be more inclined to listen to
you.  I’ll go see him first thing in the morning."

"Thanks."

We chatted a little while longer and then I made my way back
to my quarters.  It hurt to see Tom with that man, a version
of me.  So why didn't he want me?  What was so wrong with me
that he didn't want me?  I settled down for the night, my
mind going over what to say to Tom in the morning.  I hadn't
been asleep long when the door chime filtered into my
sleeping state.  I groggily made my way to the door and
opened it.  Paris staggered by me, clutching his stomach and
collapsed onto the couch.

"What the fuck has happened?  I’ll get the doctor."  He
looked terrible, blood dripping from his mouth corners, his
clothes ripped, his cheek beginning to show signs of
bruising. 

"No don't get the doctor.  Please Chakotay can you see to
it."  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. We would talk
about this as soon as I had cleaned him up.

I led him into the bedroom and told him to lie down. 
Bringing over a bowl of water and a cloth I gently wiped his
face, including the dirty tracks of tears.  Once the blood
was away I could see there wasn't too much damage, so I went
over the bruises with the regenerator and his face looked as
good as new.  Carefully I slipped off his top and I was not
quick enough to stop the gasp as I saw the injuries.  Severe
bruising over all his stomach and ribs but luckily he didn't
have any internal damage.  Once I had got that cleared up I
administered some pain killer and a relaxant.

I leant over and took his hand, "tell me what happened."

"I thought he was going to kill me.  It was my fault. I
provoked him, I shouldn’t have kissed you. It made him
really angry. I've never seen him that angry before.  He'd
really lost it."

"Why did you kiss me?"

He looked at me with an ashen face and then turned away.

"Tom, why did you kiss me and why do you let him hit you?"

He turned back to me, his eyes showing nothing but sadness,
"you'll hate me even more if I tell you."

I took him into my arms, he only protested momentarily. 
"Tom I don't hate you, I have never hated you.  I just don't
like some of the things you do that's all.  But just because
I don't like your behaviour doesn't mean I hate you."

He pressed to me tightly so I couldn't distinguish what he
was saying as he mumbled into my shoulder.

"I can't hear you Tom."

"I said I kissed you because I want you. It was just a slip
of the tongue down on the planet, I wanted you not Tay.  I
still want you Chakotay, I'm only with him because it's the
nearest I can get to you."

His nearness and his words were making it hard for me to
think.

"I know you don't think I am good enough, that I'll never be
good enough and your right but Tay just accepts me and that
makes me feel wanted.  He says he loves me."

"So why does he hit you, why do you allow him to hit you?"

He burrowed his face into my shoulder.  I could see he was
embarrassed. 

"Because when he gets mad it proves how much I mean to him,
how much he loves me.  He is so jealous of you because you
have the respect of all the crew, including me.  He doesn't
have that aboard his ship.  Then you know the rest.  After
he's put me in my place he is so remorseful and when I'm
beating him I feel so powerful.  I'm sorry Chakotay but most
times when I'm thrashing him and fucking him I imagine it's
you.  It's the only way I have of having power over these
feeling I have of wanting you and hating you at the same
time."

I held him for a while feeling partly responsible for this
mess, then I came to a decision. 

Reaching over to my badge, "Mr Ayala, please accompany
Commander Tay to the Brig.  Inform the captain that there
has been an incident and I will inform her fully in the
morning."

"Please no Chakotay, don’t do this.  I don’t want anyone to
know.  He'll just say it was consensual and it was.  I have
got to work on this ship long after he's gone and I'll have
lost the little amount of respect, I've earned.  Please."

"Greg, belay that order.  Go confine him to his quarters. 
Put a security lock on and inform him I'll be visiting."

"I want to ask you a question and I want you to answer
truthfully.  Do you want to be with him?"

I could see him hesitating, struggling with some internal
process.  "No, I don't want him, I don't want to feel like
this anymore."

"You can stay here, if you want, until he is off this ship
and I will sort this out for you  and support you but as a
commanding officer and a friend.  That is all we can be.  If
you don't want that or can't handle that say so now and I'll
get Tuvok to take over."

He looked so fragile, I just wanted to gather him up  For my
own preservation I had to hold back.

"I want to stay."

"Get under the sheets Tom and try to get some sleep.  I need
to take care of some business.  I’ll be back soon."

As I set off for his quarters I called Ayala.  I could not
trust myself alone with this man.  Greg met me outside.  I
knew this wasn't going to be easy, facing a nasty version of
myself was going to be strange to say the least but this had
to be done.  We let ourselves in, I had no intention of
being polite or playing by the rules.

He turned sharply at our entrance.  He began to speak but I
stopped him, with a very competent left hook.

"I'll say this only once, you will have no contact with Mr
Paris again.  If you so much as lay a finger on him you will
be in the brig.  Do you understand?"

"You're going to ruin Tom as well as Tommy.  You know till
you came along we had it good.  Tommy played his role well
and was happy and all you did was make him question things
and make him unhappy and I bet you're just going to do the
same with Tom.  He doesn't love you Chakotay, he loves me
and what we do together. I don’t know what he's told you but
he likes taking me hard and I don’t think you are man enough
to satisfy him or keep him.  You intimidate him, make him
feel less of a man.  You won't be able to keep hold of him. 
Give him a couple of days of opening his legs for you and
he'll be back begging to take me and if not me he'll be
looking for it from someone else. "

As he had been talking my anger had been building up but his
last statement hit a raw nerve.  The question that had been
uppermost in my mind, was could Tom stay faithful to one
person, me.  I knew this could be a problem but I didn't
want it pointing out to me and not by him.  So I hit him
again.

"Last warning, stay away."

We both turned and left.  "Greg this is strictly between us,
station a security guard on his door."

"Are you sure there is any need, his door is secure."

"Greg he's me, he'll get out if he can, guard him."

I marched back to my quarter's more upset than I thought I
would be.  I was going to have Tom in my quarters and in my
bed.  How was I going to cope and what if he called out
Tay's name in his sleep?  If I heard him call Tay I didn't
know if I was capable of holding my temper.

I entered the bedroom and stopped and just took in the sight
of him sprawled out over the bed, his naked back beckoning
me forward.  Please spirits don’t let him be naked under the
sheet, I was not made of iron though my dick felt like it at
that moment. 

I undressed and slipped into bed, staying right at the edge
so as not to awaken him.

"Chakotay, everything alright?"

I turned over to face him, still keeping my distance.  "Yes,
I thought you’d be asleep by now."

He yawned, "I wanted to make sure you came back.  Thank you. 
Goodnight."

He turned over and I let out a sigh of relief.

Hours later I awoke to his cries, another dream.  What a
broken, fragile spirit he was.  Without thinking I took him
into my arms, soothing and rocking him.  He slowly came
around, holding to me tightly.

"I'm sorry." He trembled a little as he becomes aware of how
close we were.

"Stop apologising Tom, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm sorry because I'm such a fuck up and."

"You listen here."  I grabbed his chin forcing him to look
into my eyes.  "You are not a fuck up, you have never been a
fuck up.  You have many good and admirable qualities.  I do
not want to hear you put yourself down again.  Do you hear
me?"

I heard a catch in his voice.  "Yes sir."

"Sorry Tom, I didn't mean to come over all domineering.  But
you are the best pilot I have ever met, you're brave, you're
loyal, you're attractive and funny.  Anybody would be glad
to have you as a friend or a lover so stop under valuing
yourself."

"Everybody but you?"

"Tom you know how it is.  It wouldn’t work but we can be
friends, good friends."

I was still holding him but he had moved closer and I was
very aware of his erection nestling against my thigh.  Not
only was I aware but my dick was aware as well.

"Chakotay when we were down on the planet I asked you to
kiss me, will you do it now.  Kiss away the nightmares."

"Tom I can't."  His hand had slowly made its way up my
chest, his leg crossed over mine giving his erection greater
room to rub against me.  His hands were now stroking my
face, he was taking charge of this encounter and I couldn't
let that happen.  I was not another Tay and he needed to
know it.  Before he knew what was happening I turned him on
his back and lay on top of him.

"You want me to kiss you, do you?"

He just looked up into my eyes and nodded.

I leant forward and traced the outline of his lips with my
tongue.  He moaned, opening his mouth to me.  I kissed him
lightly at first and then with more vigour, thrusting my
tongue in, allowing him to suck on it till I felt I would
explode.

He threw his head back, "Fuck me please Chakotay, I want you
so much."

"No."  I kissed him lightly on the lips and began to move
off him.  "We're just friends remember."

He pushed me away.  "Well get fucking off then, if you don’t
want me I’ll find someone who does."

I moved away from him, barely containing my anger.  "What
like Tay?  Is that what you want Tom, me to give you a good
slapping and then you take it out on my ass, one way or
another.  It isn’t going to happen and as for finding
someone else, the door is there but it only opens one way. 
You go out that door and you're on your own.  It's your
choice."

He moved back towards me, "sorry.  I'm just upset, confused,
please be my friend.  Let me stay.  I can understand you
don't want to make love with me but please hold me."

He moved into my arms and eventually fell asleep.  I took
longer.  I wanted him, that was obvious, but he was not the
faithful type and I couldn't do casual so we had a divide we
couldn't breach. 

I woke up with the sleeping pilot still in my arms.  His arm
was thrown casually across my chest and his leg was over
mine.  He felt so good in my arms.  I lightly stroked over
his back so not to wake him and my hand made its way down to
his buttocks.  I clasped one in my hand and caressed its
firmness.  My unresolved passion last night was fuelling my
arousal this morning and all this skin in contact with my
body was just feeding the flames.  My finger itched to enter
his tight hole, to prepare him for me but I knew it wasn't
going to happen so I extricated myself from the pale limbs
and made my way to the shower.

Tom Paris' point of view

I woke up from a restless sleep, in his protective arms.  I
pretended to still be asleep as I felt him stroking me.  As
one hand moved down towards my ass I pressed into him. As
his hand caressed my cheek I was almost certain that his
finger was going to enter me, prepare me for loving.  My
cock twitched at the thought but before I could go any
further with this line of thinking he was out of bed and
heading out of the room.

I stared at the ceiling while I got my thoughts in order.  I
knew he wanted me, physically anyway, that much was obvious
by the hard on that kept prodding me.  But something, some
thought in his head was holding him back.  I wanted him,
wanted him bad.  Now I was here with him I could see it was
Tay who was just a substitute.  I wanted the real thing and
I was prepared to wait, for his affection, anyway. 
Physically I wanted him now.

The sonic shower was on full, the low hum filling the air,
so he didn't hear the door opening.  I stood and watched as
he soaped his chest and began rubbing his nipple.  His head
was thrown back, his eyes closed as his other hand reached
down and took the semi hard cock into his hand.  He slowly,
lovingly stroked it to full hardness.  Even over the shower
I could hear his moans.  I quickly stripped never taking my
eyes from him. He was so handsome, so strong and powerful
but so gentle.  I reached down and stroked myself still
watching Chakotay pleasuring himself.  I entered the shower
and his eyes shot open.  I didn't give him chance to react,
I sank to my knees and sucked him in.  He was too aroused to
resist.  I used every trick I knew to bring him to the edge
but then I squeezed to recede his climax.  He groaned in
frustration but then moaned as I took him in again. 

"Please Tom."

He was gone, lost in a haze of desire and I was encouraging
him with my tongue and lips.  I brought him to the edge
again and again I squeezed. 

"Tom, are you torturing me on purpose." 

If I could make him come, take in his essence he would be
mine, tonight and every night.  I sucked him harder and he
came with a scream, grabbing my hair as he exploded.  Then
he pulled me up, kissing me hard and with passion.

"Tom let me take care of you."

"There's no need, I came when you came."  It wasn't exactly
true I had come as soon as my lips caressed his cock.

We made our way back to the bedroom.  "Come on Chakotay
let's take this further."

"Tom we haven’t time, I've arranged for us to see the
captain.  Tonight Tom I promise, tonight we'll make love."

I give a small shiver at the thought. 

"You can tell the captain as much or as little as you want. 
I don't think we should tell her about our relationship, I
still need to have a good talk with her."

"Have we a relationship Chakotay?"

"I'd like to think so, what about you?  I don't do casual
you know that."

"Yes, I want us to be together."

"Get dressed and the sooner we get things sorted, the sooner
we can be together.

"Well we are not going to have much time for that since
you've put me on beta shift.  I'll hardly see you."

"You know its necessary, Baytart still not over that virus. 
It won't last for long and then".  He lifted his eyebrows in
suggestion of illicit activities.

We headed for the captain's ready room.  I told her
everything, about the jealousy, the slapping, me beating Tay
and the aftermath.  She called Ayala to bring Tay to the
room, so he could put his side.  He marched in forcefully,
staring menacingly at Chakotay.

"This is intolerable Captain.  I have been assaulted by your
commanding officer and incarcerated in my quarters.  Is this
how you treat your visitors?"

Chakotay jumped to his feet.  "I suppose you're innocent of
any wrong doing?"

The captain indicted to Chakotay to sit down.

"I don’t see what me and Mr Paris gets up to in the privacy
of our own room, is anything to do with anyone else.   I
think if you ask Tom he will tell you that everything that
went on between us was consensual."

"Did you beat him, Commander Tay?"  The captain tried to
bring the proceedings back under her control.

"We played games captain.  I would slap him, he would
chastise me.  We enjoyed the interaction, it improved our
love making."  He was so arrogant, so full of himself, so
sure of me, that I felt sick.  At that moment I realised how
far into the depths of hell I had sunk.

I saw Chakotay tense and I reached and put a hand on his arm
but he moved it away.  Rejecting me, once again.

"But isn't it true that this time you took it too far and Mr
Paris ended up badly hurt and had to seek help from the
commander."

"Forgive me ma'am, but a relationship of the nature Tom and
I are in sometimes get out of hand.  Ask him, ask him if he
likes what we do."

I was becoming very uncomfortable with how this was going. 
How could I admit in front of everyone that I did get off on
beating Tay.

Just as the captain turned to me, the chime went.  Ayala
came into the room and spoke quietly to the captain.  She
rose and went out the room.  I watched as Tay and Chakotay
exchanged increasingly menacing glances. 

The doors opened and the captain came in, with someone who I
assumed was Tommy. I heard both Tay and Chakotay gasp. 

"Tommy", they both said simultaneously.  So the wondrous
Tommy was among us.  I might as well airlock myself now for
all the notice they were taking of me.

"I've come to take him home."

Tay stepped towards him.  "You've come for me, you've
changed your mind?"

Tommy turned to look at him. "No I've not changed my mind. 
I've come for Chakotay.  I'll stay with him here or he can
come back with me."

My heart sunk even further.  We'd not even made love and I
had lost him.  But Chakotay put a hand on my thigh and
squeezed gently.

"That's not going to happen Tommy, I'm with Tom now."

I could tell he hadn't meant to blurt it out.  Janeway's
face showed her shock and anger.  Chakotay was going to be
in for a rough ride once she got him alone.

"You little slut.  You were having sex with me yesterday and
now you're with the Commander.  Didn't take you long to
switch your affections.  I bet he doesn't let you fuck him
like I do and I know you like it so much."

"Shut up, shut up." I shouted out. I couldn't stand much
more of this. Despite my devil may care attitude, I was a
private person and here was all my personal details laid out
in public.  All my sordid, shameful life laid out for the
captain to see.

"Face up to it Commander, Tom is with me now. You can't hurt
him any longer."  Chakotay's voice was strong, commanding
but I noticed he did give a sheepish look over to the
captain.

"But what about me.  Chakotay you can’t let me go back with
him.  He beat the hell out of me when he found out I had
been in a relationship with you."  Tommy looked horrified.

"No we can’t."  The captain who looked like she was ready to
commit murder brought the proceedings to order.

Right Mr Ayala take Commander Tay back to his quarters.  You
are to stay in your room unless one of the security team
accompanies you."

 Tay started to protest but the captain forestalled him. 

"The senior staff will discuss developments and you will be
notified and consulted."

He gave a glance at Tommy and then at me and left without
another word.

"Now for you Mr Paris.  Have you the data that enabled you
to transport to us?"

"Yes, but I'm not going back with him."  I felt sympathy for
him, I could see how scared he looked.

"Commander please accompany our visitor to guest quarters on
a different deck to our other visitor. "

I looked at Chakotay and he gave me a smile of assurance.
But I didn't feel very assured.

The other senior staff were called to the briefing room. 
The captain filled them in on the our new visitor while we
waited for Chakotay, and waited and waited.  I felt the knot
of tension growing with every minute.  All he had to do was
escort him.  Images of what he could be getting up to with
Tommy filled my head so much that  I couldn't concentrate on
what Janeway was saying.

I was brought back to the meeting when I heard the captain
comm the commander.

"Will you be much longer commander we are waiting to
continue this meeting?"

"I'm on my way, I'll be there in a moment."

Was it my imagination or was he breathless.  I wanted to get
the meeting over with  so I could get one to one with
Chakotay and I didn't mean sex.  I needed to know where I
stood.

He came in looking hot and bothered and that added to my
agitation.

"Anybody got any thoughts on the situation."  The captain
looked at all of us in turn, her eyes resting on Chakotay
longer than the rest of us.

"At the moment Tommy cannot go back with the commander.  We
would be putting him in danger." Chakotay said softly.

"They can’t stay here permanently."  I gave Chakotay a look
that said we would be talking later.

"Maybe therapy could work."  The doctor added his thoughts. 
"Not just Commander Tay but this Tommy could benefit, maybe
find out why he allows himself to be treated like this."

Chakotay looked at me and I knew what he was getting at
without any words.  He thought I needed therapy too.  Maybe
I did.

Chakotay's point of view.

I could see that Tom was vulnerable.  We had hardly time to
establish any kind of relationship and we were going to be
tested straight away.  Tom was unsure of my support and my
first task was to see he knew where he stood and for me to
reassure him.  Then I had to speak to the Captain and I had
to make sure Tommy was all right.  I could see juggling the
two Paris', placating Kathryn and keeping tabs on that
bastard Tay was going to be a full time job.

"B'Elanna I want a full team on analysing the data.  I want
people working on this continually.  Doctor I want you to
set up appointments for both men, singularly and together if
necessary.  Will your programme be able to deal with their
problems?"

"I believe so Captain.  I would like a word with our Tom
Paris at some stage, if that is alright with you and him."

"Yes of course Doctor.  Now to the matter of what to do with
them. I don’t want the two men interacting so can we come up
with a plan.  Commander did you get any insight when you
escorted him to his cabin?"

I saw Tom give me a look and I knew he was curious why I had
been so long seeing Tommy to his quarters.

"Well he's very vulnerable at present, apparently the
Commander's behaviour has deteriorated since the
malfunction.  Tommy feels very threatened and says he only
feels safe if he is with me." 

I give a glance at Tom and could see he was not pleased with
this information.

"I know you won’t like this Commander but I want you to be
the contact for both men.  See if you can find a way for
them to work together on their own ship.  In the meantime
Tuvok I want you to put a security team on both men and make
sure they are accompanied whenever they leave their cabins. 
They must not interact unless supervised by the doctor. 
Chakotay I want you to go and speak to both men and then see
if we have a starting point.  Dismissed."

I could see Tom getting agitated.  "Captain I don’t think
Chakotay is the best person to liaise with Tay and Tommy. 
Tay hates him and Chakotay's  presence will just antagonise
him.  Maybe Tuvok would be the better person."

"Tom, I can understand your reticence but Chakotay knows
Tommy well and he must have some insight into Commander
Tay's personality.  They cannot be totally dissimilar.  Now
go to it people, the sooner we get them back the sooner we
can get back to normal."

"Captain I would like to speak to Mr Paris before I go talk
to the two men, but first I'd like a word with you."  I had
to have a word with Tom.  In his vulnerable state I did not
want him rushing back into Tay's arms, just for reassurance.

She nodded her assent and I asked Tom to go wait in my
office till I had finished talking to the captain.

"Kathryn, I'm sorry you had to find out like this. It was
unexpected and if I could have avoided hurting you…"  I left
the sentence unfinished, not knowing anything I could say to
make it right.

"Chakotay, I can't say I'm not hurt or upset because I am. 
But."  She paused trying to get her thoughts in order. 
"There must be something a miss if you've fallen for both
men, somewhere deep inside you must have had some
attraction.  Maybe that's why we've taken so long to get
together.  Just maybe you've wanted Tom all along.  I don't
envy you Chakotay.  I don't know how you're going to balance
them both and still keep our Tom reassured.  If you need a
shoulder to lean on, the doors open."

As I made my way to my office I marvelled at Kathryn's
understanding nature.  I didn’t think Tom's would be quite
as understanding.  As soon as I got through the door he
turned on me.

"What took you so long?  Did you have a touching reunion in
his cabin."

He looked so hurt, so needy, not unlike Tommy.  The smart
mouth Paris was nowhere in sight.  I just grabbed him and
pulled him to me, folding him into my arms, kissing him
gently. 

"Listen to me Tom Paris.  I am in a relationship with you
and I do not play about.  I don’t know what your idea of a
relationship is but mine is to support each other and be
totally faithful.  If you don’t think the same you need to
tell me now because if you have any intentions of cheating
on me or going back to see Tay we can finish this now."

I felt shaky at the idea of finishing this before it had
even started but it was better now than having my heart
broken later on.

"I only want you Chakotay but I am so scared that you'll
fall for Tommy again."

He kissed me passionately rubbing against me with increasing
hunger.

"Tom you need to get to your shift.  I don’t know when we'll
get time together but anytime you've got a problem you get
in touch with me. I'm with you, Tommy is way out of the
picture."

"Ok."  He gave me an angelic smile that sent shivers right
down to my boots.

"Oh and Tom.  Tommy means nothing to me, you mean
everything."

I headed down the corridor towards Tommy's.  This was not
going to be easy.

Tommy let me in straight away and flew into my arms as soon
as I got through the door.  I immediately held him at arms
length.

"Tommy we can't do this.  Sit down, I have come to talk."

He sat down dejectedly and my first instinct was to hold him
in my arms but I knew whatever relationship I had with Tom
wouldn’t stand a chance.  Tom wouldn't understand my need to
protect Tommy was just as great as my need to protect him. 
So I sat quietly while he composed himself.

"Tommy, we have to find a way for you and Tay to go back to
your Voyager.  You must know you two cannot stay here." 

He nodded miserably.  "I know that but I can’t go back to
how we were.  Him slapping me, me beating him.  I want what
you and me had. You've spoilt me for anything else." 

I hadn’t noticed but he had moved towards me and suddenly he
had his arms around my neck kissing me.  I pushed him away,
aroused and confused. 

"Please Tommy don't make this anymore difficult than it is. 
You have to accept that I am with Tom now.  At 1500 you have
an appointment with the doctor, I will accompany you if you
wish.  I suggest you have a meal and rest and I will see you
in sickbay.  Ok." 

I wanted to get out and quick, breath in some fresh air,
rush to Tom and hug him for reassurance.  Because right now
I needed reassurance just as much as Tom did.


Tom Paris' point of view

'Tommy means nothing to me, you mean everything.'

I felt like singing as I took the helm.  Just a few words
and I felt like I could take on the whole of the Delta
quadrant.  I felt positive, confident for the first time in
weeks. I was on autopilot as my mind kept wandering to what
Chakotay was doing with Tommy but his words stayed with me
and I knew he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

It got to break time and I had a great need to talk to
Chakotay.

"Tom Paris to Commander Chakotay."

"Go ahead Mr Paris."

"Are you free to talk, just for 5 minutes?"  I held my
breath while I waited for him to say he was too busy.

"Come by my office in 10 minutes.  Have you had anything to
eat yet?"  He sounded tired, strained.

"No I was just on my way."

"Well you can eat here, my treat." 

I called in my cabin to freshen up and then made my way over
to the Commander's office.  If I could just get this one
problem out of my head I could relax for the rest of the
shift. 

I knocked and entered and then I was in his arms.  Any
doubts that he didn't want me were lost with the hard,
passionate kiss.  He pulled away.

"Pizza alright for you Tom?"

I nodded, sat down and we ate in silence.

He cleared away and turned to me.  "What’s on your mind?"

"Just one thing.  Tell me why you were so long taking Tommy
to his cabin and then I can relax and keep my mind on the
job."

"He got upset, began crying when I told him I was with you. 
It took a while to calm him down."  He sat next to me and
held my hand.

"And as he accepted it?"  There was something strangely
vulnerable about Chakotay.  I just felt that I wanted to
take him into my arms and hold him, so I did.

"I don’t know.  Tom I am so tired of dealing with this shit. 
I just want to spend some time with you, get to know you
better."  Then he smiled.  "Much better."

He shouldn't have said that, not with that beatific smile on
his face.  I kissed him deeply and I felt him respond
immediately.  Just as I started fumbling at his trousers, he
put his hand on mine to stop me.

"No Tom, its my turn.  Lean back."

I put my head on the back of the couch and closed my eyes as
he undid my trousers, the cool air causing my erection to
tremble.  I watched as Chakotay slowly snaked his tongue the
full length of my cock and then slowly caresses the head. 
All the time his eyes never left my face.  I knew I was not
going to last long but I tried to think over other things
but then he sucked me in and it felt so good.  Just as I was
about to come he pulled away from me and I came spurting all
over my belly.  Before I could feel insulted about this,
Chakotay scooped up my creamy liquid and coated his
straining cock in it and began pumping himself fast and then
with a shout he came all over me.  It was the sexiest thing
I had seen since Chakotay in the shower that morning.  He
lent over and kissed me mingling our juices even further.

"We had best get showered and quickly you're back on shift
anytime soon."

As we showered we talked.  I had a need to know his every
movement.  It was when I didn't know who he was with or what
he was doing that the insecurity took over.

"So what are you doing next?"

"Going to see Tay and then accompanying Tommy to see the
doctor.  Tommy says he's sick of playing the twisted shit
that Tay wants to play.  I figure if we can get them to
talk, modify both their behaviour we may see a way forward. 
Though I am not holding my breath."

"Look Chakotay I know you don't like Tay but he has some
good points.  He is very insecure, I think he's afraid of
Tommy being unfaithful.  He can be very tender and loving
when he wants to be."

"Oh I bet he fucking can.  He charmed you quick enough."
Chakotay stepped out of the shower and I saw his back tense.

I wasn't expecting Chakotay vitriolic outburst, things had
been so good only a minute before.  I watched as he grabbed
his clean uniform and quickly dressed.  I didn't know what
to say, I hadn't been expecting that outburst so I just
watched as he stepped out into his office. I quickly got
dressed and followed him.  The office was empty.  He'd
walked out on me.  The words of this morning came back to me
and I couldn't help thinking they were just words, empty
words.

Chakotay's point of view

As I stormed out of my office, jealousy and anger battled it
out for supremacy and jealousy won.  I have never let my
private life rule me but Tom has turned my life upside down. 
The thought that Tom had enjoyed loving moments with that
bastard Tay filled me with feelings I didn't want to
acknowledge.  I had always been a confident lover but now I
questioned whether I could satisfy Tom. Would he want the
sick games that he played with Tay and would he look
elsewhere if I didn't want to play them.  I realised that I
was being illogical, I had a loving relationship with Tommy
so why should I be jealous of Tom having one with Tay.  But
deep down I knew why, Tom rejected me, antagonised me but
turned to Tay at the first opportunity.  If the transporter
accident had not happened Tom and I would probably still be
at loggerheads.

I marched to that bastard's quarters.  I could not think of
him in any other way.  So to me he was the bastard, I didn't
call him this to anyone else, only Ayala.  I didn't think
the Captain would approve.  Telling security to stay put I
stormed straight in, intending to haul him over the coals
before I went and saw the doctor with Tommy.  But I was not
expecting to see the pathetic creature in front of me.  The
arrogant sneer was gone and a dishevelled and red-eyed
broken man was sat in front of me.  He looked up as I stood
in front of him.

"Why?  Why do this to me?"

"Do what?"

"You've taken Tommy from me and now you've taken Tom.  Why? 
Are you fucking both of them Commander?

I picked him up and held him by the throat.  "You don’t
deserve either of them you piece of shit.  All Tommy needed
was a bit of support, a bit of tenderness and he would have
done anything for you."

"He did do anything for me until you came along filling his
head full of nonsense."

I let him go and moved away, put some distance between us.

"Giving him some self respect isn’t nonsense and I am
telling you he isn’t going back with you unless you sort
yourself out.  I'm not letting him back to play your sick
games."

"He liked those sick games, he got off on it and if you ask
Tom so did he."

I walked towards him, my fist clenched ready to beat the him
to a pulp when the door opened and Ayala walked in.  He must
have summed up the situation quickly because he grabbed my
arm and moved me away.

"He's not worth it chief."

I nodded.  "You report to the doctor in the morning and in
the mean time stay out of my way."

I walked to my office, quickly to avoid contact with the
crew.  The tension was radiating from me and I didn't want
to react inappropriately with any of them.  I sat down and
called for a privacy lock, something I rarely did.  The
trouble was that bastard had hit the nail on the head.  Tom
must have liked the slapping, beating and fucking the
bastard hard so how was he going to settle into a
relationship where he was taking it all the time. That in
comparison was boring.  I knew with a certainty I couldn't
play those games. I wanted romance, tender lovemaking,
fidelity, the antithesis of what Tom probably wanted.

"Tom Paris to Commander Chakotay."  I put my head in my
hands.  I couldn’t talk to him yet.

"Paris to Commander Chakotay." The thought of our
conversation in the shower earlier would not leave.  Tom had
spoken of that bastard and tenderness and I could not stop
thinking about the implications for our relationship.

"Paris to Commander Chakotay."  But now we had started
something I couldn't go back.  I needed to sit down and have
a frank talk with Tom.  Find out what we both wanted from a
relationship.  See if we had a basis for something long
term. But still I couldn’t get away from our conversation in
the shower.

Tom Paris' point of view

I requested a break from the helm to see Chakotay on a
personal matter and the Captain nodded her agreement.  I
rushed to his office.  Being with Chakotay was like being on
an emotional roller coaster.  I pressed for entrance to the
door and was surprised when the computer informed me there
was a privacy lock in place.  Immediately I thought he was
in there with Tommy.  I pressed my badge again.

"Chakotay if you are in your office let me in." I was
beginning to get angry, angry and upset.  A bad combination.

"Chakotay if you are in there fucking Tommy I'm going to." 
The doors opened.

"Why didn't you answer my calls? Why did you walk out on me? 
What the fuck's going on?"  I watched him, he seems
defeated, older.

"I'm sorry Tom, I don't know if I can deal with this, with
us."  He turned away from me.

"Oh no Chakotay, you're not backing out now.  Is this about
Tommy?"  I could feel the tension building up in me. 
Something had changed and the only thing I could think of
was that Chakotay wanted Tommy not me.

"Is this about Tommy?"  I yelled at him and turned him
around.

"No it's about you and that bastard.  I can't deal with your
feelings for him.  I can’t give you what he gives you.  I'm
sorry but I think it would be best if we end this now before
anyone gets hurt."

I couldn't believe this was happening.  "I don’t know what
you mean, what does he give me that you can't.  Explain to
me.  Please Chakotay don’t let them break us up.  You mean
to much for me to let you go."

He'd still got his back to me.  He was slipping away from me
and I didn't know why.

"What's going to happen Tom, a month, 1 year down the line. 
You are going to look at our lovemaking and be bored.  I
can’t give you what you need and you'll look elsewhere  and
where will that leave me?"

"For fuck sakes Chakotay what do you think I need that you
can't supply?"  Sometimes this man was so frustrating.

He paced the room and I could see whatever he was thinking
he was finding difficult to say.  He turned around and
looked at me and for a minute I though I could see a hint of
disdain on his face. 

"I can’t play the sick games that you and he enjoyed.  I'm
sorry but I can’t do those things.  He said you enjoyed it
and would soon get fed up with what I have to offer and I
think he could be right."

I moved forward and grabbed his face.  He didn't move and I
could see the sadness in his eyes.  "I don’t want to do that
stuff anymore.  I've never been into that kinda thing, it
was the circumstances.  I want what we have, what we could
have, if you give it a chance."

 I didn't give him time to think but kissed him softly, with
tenderness.  My body wanted to kiss him hard and
passionately but I didn't want him to think that was all I
responded to.  So I kissed him with care, with love.

"When we were in the shower you spoke of him with such
tenderness, I just thought, well I don’t know what I thought
but I know I am scared of losing you to him."  He put his
head down.  I knew how much this admission cost him.  He
hated to show any weakness and I suppose to him he thinks
affection for me is a weakness.  I would just have to show
him otherwise.

"If you walked out on me now I wouldn’t go back to him.  You
have to believe it.  What I was trying to say that you've
got to look beyond his negative behaviour, that it's more
complex than him getting off on pain.  You are going to need
a more open mind if you're going to help them.  That's what
I was trying to get over to you.  But don't for one minute
think I want that weird stuff in our relationship.  I want
you and only you."  I kissed him again, this time with more
passion and he responded, pulling me to him. 

Just as I started to undo his trousers he stilled my hand. 
"I can't I've got to go see the doctor with Tommy and you
should be at the helm."

I groaned and moved away.  "You know, you keep talking about
me and Tay but how do you think I feel with you playing the
concerned counsellor with Tommy.  You're not the only one
feeling a little insecure in this relationship."

"I'm sorry, I just feel responsible for him.  He's so
vulnerable and needs someone to save him from himself."  He
gave me a little smile.

"Yeah, well while you're playing the knight in shining
armour to Tommy don't forget about me.  I don't play second
fiddle very well."  I turned away and walked out before he
could respond.  I needed to give him something to think
about and that something needed to be me.

Chakotay's point of view

I stared at the door.  He was right. I knew he was right. 
Just as we needed to be concentrating on developing our
relationship we were pulled apart by those two.  Our
energies were everywhere but where they should be.  But my
sense of duty to finding a solution, to Tommy, overrode my
personal needs.  All I could do was hope he understood and
that as soon as we got this sorted out and we were back on
the same shifts we could start again and develop something
good out of this.

I tried to put Tom to the back of my mind as I made my way
to the sickbay.  Tommy had requested that I sit in with him
on his first session with the doctor but I wasn't looking
forward to it. 

The doctor asked him how the relationship had developed.  It
took a while before Tommy felt comfortable speaking about
it.  He kept looking to me, so in the end I offered to leave
but he begged me to stay.  Told the doctor if I held his
hand he could find the courage to talk.  So I sat next to
him, holding his hand, comforting him.  Though my first
thought was that if Tom walked in now that would be the end
of us.

Tommy cleared his throat and began speaking.  "At the start
we had a good relationship, I suppose people would think it
was a bit strange but it was mutually good until the
malfunction.  He'd always liked it a little rough, even at
the start.  But then one night I was pissed off with him and
started flirting.  When he got jealous I though he was
showing how much he cared for me.  Then he hit me and I was
going to walk out but then he became contrite and said I
needed to punish him.  Here was a strong, dominant man and I
was putting him in his place, it made me feel powerful and I
can tell you I don’t feel that often.  But by the time
Chakotay appeared it was getting a little out of hand.  He
was hitting me more and more and wanting punishing more and
more. His jealousy was causing argument after argument and
the violence was on the edge.  But everything changed after
Chakotay."

He seemed reluctant to go on, clinging to my hand.  I
squeezed lightly, encouraging him to resume his story.

"When Chakotay came along he showed me how to be loving
without the violence.  I saw a different side and I wanted
more.  I fell in love with him.  When Tay came back and
found out he was consumed with jealousy.  He beat me up and
called me a whore and when I refused to chastise him he beat
me up some more.  I went to the captain and she told him he
would end up in the brig but she didn't do anything.  The
day after he came after Tom.  He had already told me that if
I wouldn’t give him what he needed Tom would.  So I came for
Chakotay but now he doesn’t want me and I don’t know what to
do."

He burst in to floods tears and though I felt sympathetic I
could feel the old irritation building up in me. 

"Right I think that's enough for one day.  Mr Paris you need
to go rest.  I will listen to Commander Tay's story tomorrow
and then we will decide on  further action."

I accompanied Tommy back to his cabin, neither of us saying
much as we walked the corridors.  I saw him in the door and
made to leave.

"Please stay just a moment."

I hesitated but I went in with him anyway, reluctant to
leave until I knew he was alright.  We talked over the visit
to the doctor and I arranged to accompany him to the mess
hall.  Just as I was leaving he stopped me and placed a
quick kiss on my lips.

"Thanks for being there for me."

I turned  and left.  Getting my breath I commed B'Elanna. 
"Is there any progress with the transporters.  We need to
have them in place as soon as the Doctor has finished with
his counselling."

"We are nearly there Commander.  We just need to calculate
when a sub space corridor will open up."

I headed towards my shift.  I was sure at the best of times
any relationship between Tom and me would be fraught with
difficulties but this was causing unbearable strain.

Luckily it was an uneventful shift and it gave me a chance
to think. I had come to the conclusion that as soon as we
got the transporter converted to beam them back we had to go
for it.  I would go see the captain, get her approval.  If
they still needed therapy they'd have to see their own
doctor.  My priority had to be Tom.

I headed for my deck.  I'd had not been able to see or speak
to Tom at all since our last encounter and I knew I would
find it difficult to fall asleep, there was just too much
going around in my head.  As I turned the corner towards my
quarters I saw a member of security stood outside my room. 
I moved forward quickly, my first thoughts that something
had happened to Tom and then I saw Tommy stood next to him.

"What's the matter now?"  My voice came out terse and I saw
the hesitation in his face.

"I just needed to speak to you.  Things have been on my mind
since we saw the doctor.  I just wanted to discuss them with
a friend but I can see you're not in the mood.  I'm sorry
for disturbing you."  A single tear rolled down his face.

"I'm just tired, come on in." I dismissed the security
officer and hoped that this didn't get back to Tom.

We sat down and he brushed the tears away.  "I'm just so
confused.  The talk with the doctor brought things back. 
How Tay used to be tender and loving and I just don’t know
what to think anymore."

There it was again.  The word tender.  How could they use
that word in the same context as that sadistic bastard.  The
thought that Tom could have any feelings for this man filled
me with anger and the problem was the anger was directed at
Tom for being such a fool.

I absentmindedly put my arm around Tommy to comfort him.

He leant in, "please let me stay the night.  I won’t touch
you but I can't sleep.  All this talk has stirred things up
again, the nightmares are back. If you are just there I'll
be able to rest.  Please just for tonight."  Another
solitary tear rolled down his face, his big cow eyes tore at
my heart.  I had cared for this man once, and some of his
problems were my fault.

He fell to his knees, distraught, sobbing, begging me.  All
the love I had for him filled me with compassion.

"Just for tonight and no touching, you got that."

The tears stopped and his face lit up.

"I'll be good, Chakotay, very good.  I promise."

Tom Paris' point of view

I had done my shift, my words of bravado going through my
head.  I felt guilty that I had walked out on Chakotay.  He
had enough to cope with, without me giving him a hard time. 
What with one thing and another I knew I wouldn't be able to
see him for a while and I didn’t want this bad blood to
fester so I decided that on my way to breakfast I would call
in.  He wouldn't be far off waking up as I knew he was
accompanying Tay to sickbay.  We could at least kiss and
make up even if we didn’t have time for anything else.

I crept into his quarters and over to his bedroom.  I wasn't
sure if I should wake him up with an earth shattering kiss
or a quick blowjob.  The door opened and at first it was too
dark to make him out but as my eyes adjusted I saw pale
flesh, skin that wasn't Chakotay's.  I stood, my throat dry,
swallowing, breathing with difficulty.  Chakotay was on his
side but curled up to his back was Tommy, his arm tenderly
draped over my lover's chest.  I took a deep breath trying
to control the hurt and anger and then I noticed Tommy move
slightly.  I stared at him as he opened his eyes, smirked at
me and then leant over and kissed Chakotay's neck.

I turned and stumbled out, making my way as quickly as I
could back to my quarters.  My first thought was to run to
Tay.  One slap from him and then I would be taking all my
frustration and anger out on him and I was just on my way
back out when I stopped.  I didn't want him, I wanted
Chakotay and taking my anger out on Tay wasn't going to stop
the pain.  Whatever I did I knew I had to keep my
self-respect.  I came close to losing it before when I was
involved with Tay, I didn't want to lose it now.

I ate a little breakfast in my room, I couldn't face the
messhall  and headed for the bridge.  As I rushed towards
the turbolift I called for them to hold it.  Rushing through
the doors I saw them at the back, Chakotay laughing at
something Tommy had said.  Chakotay turned and saw me and
stopped and gave me a smile.  I could only turn around and
face the front, willing myself to keep calm.  The lift
stopped for Tommy's floor, and they both moved towards the
front.

"Tom could I just have a minute?"  He gripped my arm not
giving me a choice so all three of us stepped into the
corridor.

"It's Lieutenant Paris to you, if you don't mind Commander." 
I looked him in the eyes, not backing down.

Tom, please don't be like that, we can sort this out."

"I said Commander, it's Lieutenant Paris.  You lost the
chance to call me Tom when you took him into your bed last
night."  I nodded towards Tommy who managed a look of pure
innocence.

I saw I had shocked him.  Now he could feel some of the
misery I felt. 

"Tom it wasn't what it seemed.  Whoever told you got it
wrong."  He grabbed my arm.

I pulled it away forcefully, "I saw the loving scene for
myself.  I called by this morning and saw you two entwined
so don’t give me any fucking lies Chakotay.  Ask lover boy
here, he saw me. There's not only you who can have a
momentary lapse of reason, I seemed to have had one too. 
Now leave me alone."

Chakotay's point of view

I watched as Tom entered the lift.

"You saw Tom come into my room and didn't say anything, what
the fuck are you playing at?"  I grabbed Tommy angry and
frustrated.

"What's he angry for, we didn’t do anything.  He doesn't
deserve you.  Chakotay, it could be good again between us,
give it a chance."

I marched him forcefully to his quarters, calling for a
member of security to meet me there.

"I've told you, it's over.  I am with Tom now."  I turned to
leave him and head towards sickbay to deal with the session
with Tay.

"I don't think so Chakotay.  It seemed to me he didn't want
anything more to do with you.  He'll be back playing those
sick games with Tay before you've even got off shift."

I headed towards sickbay trying to calm down.  I needed a
clear head for this next session or I would end up losing my
temper with that bastard, especially if I thought about Tom
rushing back to him.

In the end the session went better than I thought. He opened
up about the beginning of their relationship, about Tommy's
abuse at the hands of his father.  He broke down when he
talked about an abusive relationship he had been in.  It was
in this relationship that he had learnt about the
masochistic behaviour he indulged in with both Paris'.  I
could empathise with him.  I had been in a bad relationship
once but had got out the first time he had slapped me about. 
He talked about how he had exploited Tom's damaged
relationship with his father so Tom would indulge him.    It
was a start and better than I had hoped.  Tomorrow both
Tommy and Tay would meet with the doctor, hopefully that
would have a positive outcome as well. 

Now I was on my way to find Tommy and tell him how the
session had gone.  Half way there I stopped.  I was putting
my own interests, my own love life on the back burner for
two people who had selfishly messed everything up.  I turned
and headed for the bridge.  I walked over to the Captain and
asked permission to use her office and then called Mr Paris
to join me.  He did so reluctantly.  I had told Kathryn that
the matter was personal but she was as usual, understanding,
knowing the stress we had been under lately.

I wasn't sure how to approach Tom and looking at his
demeanour, it didn’t look promising.

I thought being straight would be best.  "I didn’t have sex
with him, Tom. If you don’t believe anything else, you've
got to believe that."

He snorted in derision and turned his back on me.  I moved
over to him and swept my hands down his arms, pining him to
me.  He began to struggle, half-heartedly.  I pulled him
further to me.

"Please don’t Tom I need you."  I began kissing his neck and
he moaned and relaxed a little into my touch.

I turned him around to face me.  "He slept in my bed and
that's all he did, sleep.  It was a bad call on my part but
don’t let them come between us. He said he was upset with
the memories the doctor had stirred up and I felt
responsible.  I think we can see light at the end of the
tunnel.  The counselling is going well.  I just want rid of
them so we can be together."

He still looked hurt and fragile and I was lost on what else
to say to reassure him. 

"I've got to get back on the bridge."  He turned to leave.

I grabbed him.  "Not till I know we are alright."  I leant
across and kissed him, gently.  I broke away and looked at
him.  "I love you Tom and I don’t want to lose you."

He grabbed me and kissed me back.  "I don’t want to lose you
either but you are going to have to put a distance between
you and Tommy.  I can't stand by and watch you being close. 
How would you feel if it was me and Tay?"

I pulled him to me.  "I know."  Then we were kissing hard,
neither of us could get enough of the other's body.   As I
kissed his neck, he moaned and I slipped my hand into his
trousers.

"No Chakotay, we can’t not in the Captain's office."  His
voice was uneven under the stress of the situation. 

"Shh Tom.  I want you.  That's all that matters."  I guided
him over to the couch and sat him down.  He looked ready to
bolt for the door.

Before he could say anything I took him into my mouth,
teasing him with my tongue.  I waited till he was near
completion and then stopped.  He opened his eyes in alarm.

"Tell me Tom that we are going to be alright.  That we are
going to be together."

He put his hand on the side of my face.  "Chakotay we have
to be alright because I can’t do without you."

I licked and sucked, using all my skill to bring him off. 
It took awhile for him to get his emotions under control. I
held him tight, knowing that until there was just us two, it
would be a bumpy ride.  Just as we are heading for the door,
B'Elanna called me to Engineering.

"Tom I'm going to be busy for the rest of the day but let’s
get together for breakfast.  Just me and you."

He nodded and just before he went through the door he gave
me a small kiss.

"Just us two."

I headed to see B'Elanna hoping that she had come up with
some solution to this problem.  I could have kissed her when
she gave me the news, in fact after it had sunk in I did
kiss her, and held her and squeezed her.  After tomorrow's
session they were going back.  It didn't matter if they
would get on.  It was their problem.  I made my way back to
the Captain to give her the news.  We decided not to tell
Tommy and Tay till nearer the time, as we didn't want to
panic them.

I awoke the next morning with Tom licking his way up my
morning erection.  It looked like I was being Tom's
breakfast.  He was taking his time, teasing me to the point
and then retreating.  Until I couldn’t hold it back any
longer and I came with a ragged shout. 

He lay down next to me.  "This time tomorrow it will be just
us.  We can finally make love.  I love you Chakotay."

Before I could react, he was up and out the door.

I was quickly away to the joint counselling session.  I'd
been informed by B'Elanna that they were going to delay the
transporting till the first thing the following morning. 
After some re-adjustments this was found to be the optimum
time.

I sat in on the session.  It seemed to good to be true.  Tay
told how he had thought everything through and that he knew
deep in his heart he loved Tommy.  He felt that if he worked
on the negative relationship he had before he may be get
over his need to be dominated in the bedroom.  He hoped for
a loving and equal relationship.  Tommy hearing this broke
down and cried and then rushed over and embraced Tay.  He
told Tay how he cared but wanted a loving basis for their
relationship and he agreed to work on his faulty
relationship with his father.

At the end of the session I told them of their return to
their reality.  They both took it very well, in fact they
seemed very happy.  I didn’t question their reactions too
much as I just wanted rid of them.  If they had issues to
work through they could do it with their own doctor.

I made my way to my office, realising Tom would be on his
break I asked if he was available.  Eagerly he said he was. 
He rushed through the doors and into my arms.

"Is there something the matter Chakotay?"  He looked at me
with worry on his face.

Is there something wrong in wanting to see you." I smiled at
him reassuringly but I didn't give him time to reply.

"I just wanted to tell you that they are not going back
until tomorrow.  That's a better time slot apparently. But
they will be going back, take my word for it."  I moved
closer to him so I could kiss the worry off his face.

We sat down and I filled him on the session this morning.

"I knew they could work it out if they tried hard enough. 
Tay just needs guiding in the right direction and he …" Tom
looked up at me, unsure of how I would react.  "Sorry."

I nodded, controlling the jealousy and bile that had risen,
leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. 

"Tom I have things to take care of now, then I'm on shift. 
I have arranged for us to be off duty tomorrow.  What do you
say to some holodeck time, dinner at 2030 and then I would
like you to stay the night and many nights afterwards."

Tom stood and kissed me passionately.  "Just me and you, I
can’t wait."

Just as he was leaving I called him.

"Tom do you want to say goodbye to Tay before he returns."

"No."

"I really don't have a problem with it if you would like a
word with him."

"No, Chakotay.  I've really nothing to say to him.  Will you
be saying goodbye to Tommy?"

"I'll be speaking to both of them."

"Together or separately?"

"Separately."

"Make sure there are no lingering goodbyes."


Tom Paris' point of view

I wasn't to pleased that he wanted to say goodbye to Tommy
but I put it to the back of my mind.  At last we could be
together, at last we could make love.  If we had been
desperate enough we could have fitted it in but we both
wanted to make the first time something special.

I walked to the bridge feeling more optimistic that I had
done in a long while.  I was still trying to win respect
from the crew, which I had lost when I had taken up with Tay
the first time around.  As I made my way to the helm, Ayala
gave me a small nod.  My heart lightened further as I
realised that if Ayala could see past my foolishness the
others would.  Chakotay came onto the bridge just as I was
being relieved and he gave me a reassuring smile.  Ayala got
into the turbolift with me and asked me if I wanted to join
him in the mess hall.  Figuring he must need to speak to me
or else he wouldn't be asking  I agreed.

We sat, making small talk, until our meal was finished and
then he looked at me.

"Paris is Chakotay alright, he seems a bit weary of late?"

"This whole Tay and Tommy thing's just got him down.  When
they go tomorrow we can get back to the normal routine,
maybe have some down time."

"Are you and him together?"

"I hope so Greg, I really hope so.  Does it bother you?"

"To be truthful, sometimes.  I think you've got the capacity
to hurt him a great deal and I wouldn't be able to stand by
and let you."

"I've also got the capacity to make him very happy.  Can't
you believe that is what I'll do?"

"I hope so Tom, he deserves it."  He gave me a small smile,
a friendly smile.

"I'll do my best Greg.  I'll do anything in my power to make
him happy.  I want you to know that."

"It's just all this Tay shit, I've heard about.  I can't see
it working out if that's the kind of relationship you want. 
Chakotay won't go for that."

"I don't want that Greg.  It was a mistake, a big mistake. 
All I want is for us to have time to be together, to let
things develop naturally.  We're going to spend tomorrow
together but I'll persuade him to drop into Sandrine's
before we eat.  We can all have a drink together."

"Oh I don’t think so Paris, knowing how the chief feels
about you, he'll want you all to himself."

I smiled, so Chakotay had told Greg how he felt.  I couldn't
wait for tomorrow.

Chakotay's point of view

I walked towards Tay's quarters trying to keep my emotions
in check.  Losing my temper now wouldn't benefit anyone.  As
the door opened I saw that he was sat quietly reading a
holonovel.  He looked up and nodded.

"If you've come to hit me, get it over and done with.  I
know I deserve it." 

That shook me.  "No, I've come to talk, see if we can sort
something out before tomorrow.  I don’t want to think of
abandoning Tommy to you if you're just going to thrash him."

"Despite what you think of me, despite everything, I love
him.  I thought I loved Tom but I don’t.  It's Tommy I want
and if I have to wait a lifetime for him to return those
feelings I will.  I realise what we could have had and what
I lost, so there's not need to worry about Tommy, I'll not
touch him again unless he asks me."

"In that case I hope you can both work it out."

I turned to go and he held his hand out.  I took it, shaking
it briefly.

"Thank you Chakotay, for being a friend to Tommy."

I nodded and left.  I hoped the goodbye with Tommy would go
as easy.   He was also sitting relaxed when I got there, he
was looking out the window but didn’t seem to unhappy.

"Chakotay."  His face lit up and for a brief moment I wanted
to embrace him.

"I've come to say goodbye, wish you luck.  Please Tommy,
don’t put up with any violence, any shit that Tay dishes
out.  You're worth more than that."

He nodded.  I put my hand under his chin.  "Promise."

"I promise Chakotay.  You've made me stronger, you've made
me see what's possible."

"Well it's goodbye."

"Goodbye Chakotay."  He turned his head back to look at the
stars.  I hesitated and then moved to the door, taking in
his fragile beauty.

The morning couldn't come soon enough.

We were scheduled to do the transport at 1100 hours but at
0900 hours just as I was getting ready to go for breakfast,
I got a call from sickbay.

"Commander, there's a medical emergency in sickbay, can you
come straightaway.  I have informed the captain."

I slipped on my clothes and ran towards sickbay.  I could
only think that it was Tom that was the emergency.  When I
got there, the captain, Tuvok, the doctor and Tom were stood
around a bio bed.  I could see straightaway that Tom was
alright.  I moved towards the bed and saw Tommy, unconscious
or sedated, I didn’t know which. 

"What's happened?"  I glanced at the doctor and then at Tom.

Tom moved forward.  "I went to see Tommy, just to see if I
could give him some advice for when he returns to his own
Voyager.  The conversation started off alright but then he
began saying he couldn't live without you and that he wasn't
going back.  He became hysterical, so I replicated a
tranquilliser and used it."

The doctor took over the story.  "When he arrived here, I
tried to bring him around, but he was so traumatised that I
sedated him again."

"So what do we do now?"

"I can only see two alternatives.  We either let them stay
for a while longer, working on therapy. Or we bring him
around enough to get him transported across and let their
doctor deal with it."

I looked at Tom and could see the disappointment on his
face.

"I don’t think he will face up to this any better, later on. 
The best thing all round would be to return him to where he
belongs as soon as possible."  The captain looked to Tom and
me for approval.  We both nodded.

"Right, if we are all in agreement, we'll got get Tay and
meet the doctor and Tommy in the transporter room."

While the captain went to get Tay, Tom and I carried onto
the transporter room.

"You Ok?" I asked him, as I knew he must be unsettled by all
this.

"I will be when they've gone and we can be together."

The captain and Tay joined us.  He looked a little shook up,
so I gathered Kathryn had told him  the news.  The doctor,
holding up a very distant and confused Tommy, joined us
moments later. 

"Don't worry Chakotay, I will take care of him."  And then
they were gone.

Now things could back to normal.  We visited the holodeck,
we had a drink, we ate our meal and then we were in bed,
making love.

"I can't believe we are actually together, making love for
the first time." I kissed him tenderly.

"Chakotay, please fuck me."

"No Tom, I'm not fucking you, I'm making love to you."

I looked down at him and his body showed his love.  It shone
from his eyes, his tender touch, his aroused body.  If I
ever doubted his love, it was plain to see now.  Never again
would we be parted because of others.

"I love you Chakotay."

"I love you very much Tom."

Part 3 Chasing away the demons

Chakotay's point of view

It was two weeks in when things began to fall part.  I think
Tom was affected by their visit more than he let on.  He
seemed happy enough, and we spent a fair amount of time
together.  But his irreverent sense of humour had gone, his
reaction times were down, on the other hand there is nothing
wrong with his sex drive.

Kathryn had asked me if Tom was alright.  I think she missed
his asides more than anybody.  I told her he just needed
time to settle back down, that it had been a strain. 
Baytart's recurring illness had hit him again, so Tom was on
the Beta shift for a couple of days.  It gave me a little
time to catch up on reports, meditating, things I didn’t
have time for when lover boy was demanding attention.

It was the third day of Tom on Beta shift when he came to
see me, demanding we get together.

"Chakotay, we need to see each other, you need to see the
captain, get my shift changed."

I was a little put out by his attitude.  I had made it plain
that I wouldn't use my rank to affect our personal
relationship.

"Tom you know I can't do that.  You will just have to be
patient.  The loving will be so much better after waiting."
I smiled trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"You don’t want me do you?  This is just an excuse to get
rid of me."  He began to get more and more upset.  I could
feel myself getting irritated but a stopped myself and put
my arms around him, to reassure him.

"I'll see what I can do."  He gave me a bright smile, his
eyes full of tears.  I had no intention of changing the
roster, work was work.

It was a couple of days after that incident that we managed
to get a few of hours together.  We planned on a couple of
drinks in Sandrine's, and then home to bed.  I was going to
reassure him, that I didn’t want to get rid of him.

Going to Sandrine's was a big mistake.  One after another of
the crew came up to me to ask some question or the other. 
By the time I had finished with a query about Gamma shift,
Tom had moved on to playing pool with Harry. 

Greg sat with me and we caught up on each other. 

"Tom alright, Chakotay?"

"A bit on the quiet side but I think he's just adjusting. 
Why, have you noticed anything?"

"Oh he just seems forgetful, distant.  Maybe you're right, I
suppose coming face to face with yourself isn't easy.  Well
you'll know that."

I turned and watched him and then looked at Greg.

"What the fuck's he playing at now?"

"I don’t like to say this but it looks like he's playing
Tommy's game.  It looks like he's flirting with Harry and by
the looks of things Harry doesn't want to play."

I felt angry and hurt.  I got up to storm across, when Greg
put his hand on my arm.

"Consider this Chakotay.  Maybe Tom's thinking that you
didn’t want him but you wanted Tommy.  Just maybe he thinks
you want him to act more like Tommy."

"Maybe, but I've told him I don’t play those games.  Maybe I
didn't make it plain enough. I'm going, see you tomorrow."

My first reaction was to grab Tom and give him a piece of my
mind.  But Greg had calmed me a little and I walked out
without a further glance.

I laid in bed, going over what Greg had said.  Looking back
on Tom's behaviour, with hindsight I could see he had begun
acting a little more like Tommy.  Unfortunately they were
the negative characteristics he was exhibiting.  The fire,
the humour, the independence of Tom Paris, the Tom I knew
before this incident, was receding and I didn't know how to
get him back.

I was just falling to sleep when I felt him slip in next to
me.

"Why did you leave.  I thought we was going to spend some
time together."

"I've no intention of watching you come onto Harry, whatever
your game."

"Are you jealous, Chakotay?"

I turned over and grabbed his face.

"I don’t play that game.  I think you're confusing me with
Tay and we don’t want to go down that road again do we?"

"I could never confuse you with him.  I'm sorry."

He moved up to me and then I realised he was crying.  I
pulled him to me.

"What's the matter Tom?"

"I just don’t want to lose you.  I just want you to love
me."

"I do love you."

"More than Tommy?"

"More than anyone. Now let me make love to you."

"Chakotay."  He put his head down, suddenly shy.

"Go on."

"Can I make love to you?"

I let him even though I didn't want to but afterwards he
seemed happier, more like the old Tom.

The next morning we had breakfast in the mess hall. 
B'Elanna took Tom to one side and had a word with him and
then left, but he wouldn't say what about.  Just as I was
finishing off my coffee the captain requested me in her
ready room.

I told Tom I was going but he pulled me back.

"You're not going to be long are you?"

"I don't know, depends what the captain wants me for."

"I've plans to join B'Elanna on a project so I may not see
you till later."  He said rather sulkily.

"I'll come and find you."

I was surprised to see Greg and B'Elanna already there with
Tuvok and the captain.

"Has something happened."

"Sit down Chakotay."

I didn’t like the sound of that but sat down anyway.  I
didn’t like the concerned looks on all the faces either.

Janeway sat down.  "Greg tells me that Tom was acting more
like Tommy last night."

"Yes, but I don’t think that it warrants a staff meeting." I
laughed uneasily.

"The crew have also noticed that he seems to have lost some
of his sense of humour, he's subdued and his reaction times
are down."

"What are you getting at captain?"

"Greg says that Tom had forgotten an entire conversation
that they had just before the other two went back."

"He's been a bit preoccupied, that's all."

Greg jumped in.  "It was an important conversation, one
where he was declaring undying love for you, where he told
me he was going to try his hardest to make you happy.  It
wasn't a conversation I expected him to forget."

I couldn’t see what point they were getting at.

B'Elanna put her hand on my shoulder.  "Greg told me of his
worry, so I did some scans.  I then reminded Tom of a
conversation we'd had about him helping me with a
holoprogramme that I was doing to surprise you for your
birthday."

"And."

He remembered the conversation, we are meeting in 30
minutes."

"And."

"That conversation never took place."

The captain put her hand on my other shoulder.  "Chakotay,
there's some anomaly in the transporter logs.  We need some
more information but B'Elanna suspects."  She stopped and
squeezed my shoulder again.  "She suspects that Tom is
Tommy."

"WHAT!"

"While he's on the holodeck Greg is going to do a full scan
of Tom.  If we are wrong, he won't know any different and
you can go back to normal."

"And if you are right?"

"Chakotay I can't bare to thing about that."

All the thoughts tumbled in together.  Tom crying, Tom
wanting to fuck me, the flirting, the insecurity and then I
thought about the transfer.  The way we had to sedate Tommy,
or was it Tom.  I couldn't think about that until we were
sure, one way or the other.

"B'Elanna you go meet up with Tom, Greg you go begin the
scan as soon as you can.  The Commander and I will be here,
let us know as soon as you have any information.  Tuvok you
get a team ready, just in case."

We sat in silence, neither of us wanting to contemplate this
possible change in circumstances.

Kathryn looked up at me.  "We may be wrong."

"Maybe."

"What's your gut feeling on this."

I looked up, meeting her gaze.  "I think we have got Tommy. 
In which case Tom's been at the mercy of that bastard for
nearly three weeks."

Ten minutes had passed and I began pacing the floor.  I
hoped I was wrong, I hoped Greg and B'Elanna were wrong. 

Greg's voice broke the tension.  "Captain, I'm sorry.  I am
99 percent certain that the person on the holodeck is
Tommy."

"Janeway to Tuvok, please accompany Mr Paris to my ready
room."  Kathryn turned to me, "let me deal with this."

I had no option. I was so incensed I knew I would kill him.

"Is there something the matter?"  He came through the door,
all innocent and I thought, for a moment, that this must be
a mistake.

"Sit down Mr Paris."  He sat down, looking at me, wary at my
continued silence and Ayala's presence at the door.

"We believe Mr Paris that you are not who you say you are,
that in fact you are the Mr Paris from the other Voyager."

"That's ridiculous, you saw Tommy transport across.  Why are
you doing this?"  He looked at me, tears in his eyes.  I
wanted so much for this to be a mistake.

"According to the transporter logs it was Tom Paris who went
across.  We have 3 days before we can communicate with the
other ship.  I will speak to the other captain and the other
Mr Paris.  Until then you are confined to quarters."

He stood up, and any doubts I had disappeared.

"You'll be too late, Tay will have closed down any chance of
linking up."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't think he'd risk you going back and taking his
precious Tom.  He's working on disrupting the link. You're
stuck with me, whether you like it or not."  His sneer, his
confidence that he was staying, pushed me over and I rushed
towards him, back handing him across the face.

He rubbed his face, wiping the smear of blood from his
mouth.

"I knew deep down that you liked these games.  I'll be in my
room if you need me to punish you."  He snaked his arm
around my waist.

"Ayala take him away before I kill him."

"Wait, why?"  The captain asked.

"Why do you think, I'm in love with Chakotay and Tay, well
he's in love with Tom.  He doesn't like to lose and he lost
to you twice.  By now he'll have Tom where he wants him, on
his knees sucking his dick."

Before anyone could do anything I was next to him with my
hands around his throat, squeezing the life out of him.  The
others rushed forward and dragged me off.

"You can't fool anyone Commander, you'd love to let go.  Go
on slap me, I know you'd like me to do to you what both Tom
and me did to Tay.  What Tom's doing to Tay now."

Tom Paris' point of view.

I awoke, unsure of how I'd got there or what I'd been doing. 
But I was aware of my lover, curled up onto my back, his arm
possessively around my chest.  It was as I moved backwards
to get closer contact that I realised my hand was shackled
to the bed or wall, I didn't know which.  I was sure that I
would remember if Chakotay had wanted to indulge in kinky
games but my mind was fuzzy, unclear.  I opened my eyes,
looking around for some clue and that must have awoken
Chakotay.  He leant over and I felt his breath in my ear.

"So Tommy you're awake and we need to talk because Tommy's
been a naughty boy."

My blood froze, only Tay used that expression.  But there
was no way that I could be with him, Chakotay wouldn't allow
it.  I turned over and looked into his eyes and knew
straightaway that I was in trouble, deep trouble.  There was
no warmth only dark menace.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing, untie me. 
Chakotay will kill you when he finds out what you've done."

He began to laugh manically.  I had only heard that sound
once before the last time he had beaten me up.

He grabbed my other hand and restrained that to the other
side of the bed. 

"Tommy, your upstanding and righteous commander, is a
reality away.  We're not on your Voyager, were on mine.  By
the time they figure it out, if they figure it out, I'll
have severed our bond and contact between the two ships will
be no more.  But I don’t think they'll figure it out, Tommy
will be so good at pretending to be you that the crew will
never know."

"Your captain won't allow this."

Again he laughed and began caressing my face.  "She doesn’t
know my lovely.  We come over a little to early.  The
transporter room was empty, so I transported straight from
the there into my cabin.  I told Janeway Tommy didn’t want
to come back, he was too much in love with Chakotay.  Not
far from the truth really."

"Chakotay will find out, he'll come for me."

"He knows, you fool.  He wanted rid of you."  He kissed my
lips.  "He told me he wanted Tommy, you had always been
second best.  Think about it Tom.  Until he'd made love to
Tommy, he didn't want you, he didn't want you when he
returned to Voyager and I've got news for you, he doesn't
want you now.  Do you seriously think that I would have been
able to leave if the Commander hadn't known.  Wake up and
smell the coffee Tom, you're lucky I agreed to take you off
his hands."

He had started to stroke my body but I was paralysed with
fear and hurt.  I didn't want to believe the words he said
but they were true.  He didn't want me before Tommy and we
would never have got off Voyager if someone hadn't helped
him.  I've been kicked around some in my life but I don’t
think I've ever felt as bad as I felt now. 

He again kissed me and I moved my face away, not wanting any
intimacy with him.  His sat up, his eyes darkening and then
came the slap. 

"You'd get on your hands and knees and let him fuck you, but
you won't even let me kiss you.  It used to be so different
Tom.  Remember when you use to get off punishing me, how
powerful you felt.  You could feel that again Tom."

I didn’t want this, I wanted what Chakotay had to offer but
my body responded anyway and he saw it and smiled.  I tried
to get loose as his mouth descended on my hardening cock.  I
felt ashamed that I had reacted to him.  He was sucking on
me hard, something he had hardly ever done when we had been
together.  I tried thinking of anything that would make the
erection subside but his tongue was too talented, my body
too conditioned.  Suddenly he stopped, fumbled with
something and then sat astride me. In one movement he sat
down, encasing my cock in his prepared ass.  I began to
struggle, frantic to get free.  I was being raped. But was
I, if my body responded to his hard and insistent movements. 
He came all over me as I emptied into him.  All I wanted to
do was curl up and cry.  I was a traitor to Chakotay and my
body was a traitor to me and as I fell asleep I remembered
Chakotay had agreed to all this.

He kept me chained up, underfed, unwashed and well used.  It
was on the third day that I realised that he was getting off
on my struggling, my misery.  After that I became passive, I
even tried becoming cheerful when he sat on top of me. 
Fortunately he hadn't done anything to me, that wasn't his
particular peccadillo.  He became angrier at my docility but
I couldn't see that he could do anything about it. He
couldn't make me struggle, couldn't make me be miserable. 
How wrong could I be? 

I was sat huddled in the corner, chained to the wall, a
smile plastered on my face.

"Happy Tom, happy to see me?"

"Always happy to see you Tay, you know that."  Inside I was
burning with humiliation and despair but I knew I couldn't
show it.

"Good because I think we need a change in the old routine,
Tom."

"Tay can I get a shower, get a wash?"

"No I like you like this. I like you hot, sticky and dirty. 
It turns me on."

He undid the chain but before I could react he had locked it
back up on the bed.  He got back off the bed and went over
to the drawer and brought out a box.  He didn’t say a word
as he chained my feet to the end of the bed. 

"Don't worry Tom, I love you, I'll look after you.  I'm not
like Chakotay."

He kissed me and I lay unmoving, unresponsive.

"Tell me you love me Tom."

"That's never going to happen and you know it."  I little of
my defiant spark rose up unbidden.

"Is that so, my little captive lover."

He got off the bed and moved over to the replicator.  Maybe
he was replicating a cock ring and some other paraphernalia
to ensure I could give him what he wanted.  He came back
over, talking to me lovingly as though we were a normal
couple going about our normal business.  He reached up and
rubbed a cube of ice over my lips and then leant over and
kissed me.

"Cold like your heart Tom."

He then began to circle the ice over my nipples.  When the
ice began to melt he picked up another and then another.  He
slipped a gag around my mouth.

"I think you're ready now, Tom."

I screamed into the gag, as he pierced one and then the
other of my nipples.  The tears that I had held back began
to flow, as I choked on my sobs.  He took of the gag.

"Ask me to fuck you and I'll take away the pain."

"Never."

"We'll see."

He hooked a chain to each nipple ring and gave an
experimental tug.  I bit on my lip to stop the tears.  He
began caressing my belly, saying how beautiful I looked,
with the blood dripping down my chest, the tracks of my
tears on my face.

"You look good enough to eat."

He began licking up my cock but this time I didn't respond. 
I was fucked up but not that fucked up.  I was in pain, I
couldn't get a hard even if he had a phaser to my head.  But
then he pushed in a finger.  He hadn't done this since our
first encounter and I began to panic as he pushed in a
second. 

"I'm going to fuck you Tommy and fuck you hard."

I didn't know if that was a deliberate mistake or for the
moment he thought I was Tommy.

He pushed a pillow under my hips and pulled my knees up, the
chain's having enough length to allow some movement. 

"Enjoy it Tom because you can bet your last credit Chakotay
will be enjoying every minute of fucking Tommy.

When I didn’t respond, he yanked on the chain to my nipple
rings.  I yelled out and the tears began to flow again.  He
parted my legs and rammed in.

All the time he was chanting, "you want this, you want me,
you're mine."  It didn’t take him long before he was
spurting for all he was worth into my body.

"That was good, so fucking good.  When your nipples have
healed we'll do your cock." He hadn’t noticed that I hadn’t
been hard, hadn’t come.  He kissed me on the lips and turned
over, leaving me restrained, hurting and crying until I fell
asleep. The pain and despair was unbearable.  I couldn't
even get any peace in my sleep.

I was at breaking point and he saw it.  Pulling hard on the
rings in my nipples, he started the blood flowing again.

"I can take away the pain for you, Tom.  You know I only
want what's best for you."

I looked away from him, trying to find some reserve of
strength but I didn’t have any.

"Please Tay stop the pain.  I don’t want to hurt any more."

He moved a regenerator over the wounds and I instantly found
relief. I heard a hiss on my neck.

"Just a little pain killer and relaxant Tom."

He began stroking my brow, kissing me gently.  I felt out of
it, confused.

"You know I love you Tom.  I've loved you from the start. 
You know that don’t you?"

I tried to concentrate on what he was saying.  "Yes, Tay you
did."

"Chakotay's doesn't love you, has never loved you.  But I
do.  I love you very much Tom.  I just wished you loved me." 
His voice was gentle, his touch loving.  I just wanted the
hurt to go away.

"I do love you Tay, I do."

He kissed me tenderly.

"I want to show you how much I love you.  Do you want me to
Tom."

"Yes, Tay.  I want you to fuck me."  At that moment any hope
I had died.

Chakotay's Point of view

They dragged Tommy away to his cabin.  I sat down with my
crewmates, my friends, unable to think past the fact that I
had lost Tom.  Probably lost him for good.

I was sat staring at nothing when the captain shook me.

"Chakotay, come on, we have to get him back.  You look
defeated before we even start."

"I just feel as though I have let him down."

"Feeling sorry for yourself will not get him back. The first
thing is to try to keep the link open.  We have three days
before we can try to go over.  If the other Janeway is
anything like you described I think we need to go over
unannounced."

I nodded in agreement, still unable to say anything with any
amount of intelligence. 

"Until then we need to find out as much as we can about the
link, make sure we have the advantage.  B'Elanna give this
priority.  We have to get Tom back, no matter what. 
Whatever condition he is in."

And that was the crux of the matter.  Would he be alive? 
Would he be unhurt?  Would he want anything to do with me
after Tay had got through with him? 

Somebody once said that time was constant.  Which idiot I
don't know.  Three days, not knowing what the man you love
is going through, feels like three weeks, three months even. 
At the appropriate time B'Elanna informed us that the rift
was still open.  Whatever Tay had planned to do, it hadn’t
happened.  We still had access to the other Voyager. 

The Captain had spoken to Tommy, asked him how they had
planned it when they had no contact.  She said he had
laughed in her face, said Tay had broken the code on the
communication systems. After the counselling session he had
sent a message to Tommy asking if he wanted to go along with
the plan.  Tay had even managed to replicate the
tranquilliser and send it to Tommy's quarters.  Said we had
underestimated both of them. Tay had called Tom, pretending
to be me and sent him to have a word with Tommy.  The rest
was easy. 

As we neared the time to go over, the captain argued that I
was too emotionally involved but I wanted my face to be the
first Tom saw.  Fortunately B'Elanna had been able to refine
the link so we could beam straight into Tay's quarters.  We
thought that was the best place to start.  The Captain,
Tommy, Tuvok, the doctor and me were going across.  It
seemed excessive but we just didn’t know what we would find.

We materialised with our phasers drawn, ready for whatever
we came across.  We looked around at the empty room, there
was nothing to cause alarm.  Janeway moved towards the
bedroom indicating that we should following, quietly.  The
door opened onto a darkened room and we waited a moment
while our eyes adjusted.  At first this room looked equally
as empty.  Then over in the corner we heard a shuffling and
soft whimpering.  The captain called for lights and we all
gasped.

Tom was restrained to the wall, naked and unkempt, with
dried blood on his chest and rings through his nipples.  I
moved forward but he cowered even further into the corner.

"Tom, it's Chakotay.  I've come to take you home."

I moved forward and phasered the ring holding Tom's
restraints.  He fell into a heap onto the floor.  I swept
him up into my arms and was choked how light he felt. 

"Chakotay you go back with the doctor and Tom.  Tuvok and I
will see that Tay pays for this and that this time Tommy
stays here."

I nodded knowing that if I was let loose, I would kill him
and also knowing that I didn’t want to let Tom out of my
sight for a moment.

I tapped my badge, "Chakotay to Torres.  Two and the doctor
to beam across straight to sick bay."

We materialised and I laid Tom down on the bio bed.  He
grabbed my hand.

"Please don’t leave me."

"I've no intentions of leaving you."

The doctor approached the bed, "Mr Paris, I am going to give
you a light sedative and then I'm going to heal your
injuries."

I heard the hiss of the hypospray and Tom looked up at me
with big, startled eyes.

"Why Chakotay, why did you let him take me?"

Before I could answer he had shut his eyes and I closed mine
to stop the tears falling.

The doctor scanned him, gently removing the nipple rings and
healing all the cuts and bruises. 

"Commander I need to inspect Mr Paris' body more intimately. 
Could you please wait in my office?"

I began to protest but I knew the regulations about
patients' privacy so I walked over to the doctor's office.

An eternity later the doctor came in.  "When he's had a
shave and a haircut, he'll look as good as new, physically
anyway.  Psychologically I thing we will have to take it a
day at a time."

"Doctor has there been sexual abuse"

"All I can say is that rigorous sex had taken place, whether
it was consensual or not, we will have to ask the lieutenant
when he awakens.  You may sit with him now."

He looked a little better,  some colour coming back into his
face.  I removed his facial hair, the hair cut would have to
wait.  I held his hand until the doctor came out.

"Commander, I've administered a tranquilliser, he will be
asleep for at least 12 hours, to give his body time to
recover."

I was going to argue that I wasn't leaving when the captain
called me to her ready room.  I needed to know what had
happened to Tay so I hurried to her room. She was pale and
looked in shock.

"How's Tom?"

"Physically he's fine, who knows how he'll feel when he
wakes up.  I think he blames me."

"Chakotay, give him time.  He's hurting and confused. By the
looks of things he's been through a lot."

"What happened on the other Voyager?"

"We made our way to the bridge, a few of the crew giving
Tommy a strange look but no one stopped us.  Tuvok had his
phaser discretely pointed at Tommy and as we entered the
bridge we both had our phasers ready.  There were a few
gasps as you can imagine.  Janeway asked what was the
meaning of this.  I explained everything, while I kept my
phaser on Tay.  It took all my will power not to use it as
he sneered at me.  She told me that Tay had told her that
Tommy had refused to come back and that he had come over
alone.  No one knew that Tom was there, he was at Tay's
mercy."  The captain stopped talking as her emotions got the
better of her.  "As Janeway asked if all this was true,
Tommy grabbed my phaser.  He told the captain what he had
seen and that he wouldn't stand a chance if Tay got his
hands on him.  Before we could do anything, he had turned
the phaser on Tay and killed him.  Security in response shot
Tommy, killing him instantly.  Janeway just turned to
security and told them to move the bodies, no emotion,
nothing."  Kathryn shook her head unable to comprehend a
version of herself that had no feelings, no morals.

I sat quietly for a moment, thinking of the Tommy I had
first known and I was sad.  But I couldn't let that take
over me, I needed to concentrate on Tom.

"Chakotay, have as much time as you need to sort this out. 
I want Tom back on his feet and at the helm, where he
belongs."

"Thanks, I'm going to get some sleep now and then I'm going
to sit with Tom. I want to be there when he wakens.  I want
him to know I'm there to take care of him."

Tom's point of view

The first thing I noticed as the light filtered in through
my half opened eyelids, was I couldn’t feel any pain.  Then
I noticed that my arms were down and untied.  I reached up
to my nipples and there were no rings.  For a moment I
thought it must have been a nightmare and then I opened my
eyes.  He was there, staring down at me, his hand reaching
out for my shoulder.  

I remember shouting, remember sobbing for him not to hurt
me, remember begging him to fuck me, remember curling up and
covering my face so he couldn't hit me and then nothing.

When I came to again, I was afraid to open my eyes, so I
kept them closed and listened.  I couldn’t hear any other
breathing but my own, so I opened them a little.  There was
no one there so I opened them fully and looked around.  I
appeared to be in a sick bay so a presumed Tay had gone too
far and I had ended up in here.  I didn’t know how he had
explained my sudden reappearance and I didn’t care.  At
least in here I would be safe from his depraved lust, or
should be.  But then I would be away from his love as well. 
The thoughts crowed into my mind until I couldn't think
anymore.

"So you're awake Mr Paris."

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Do you have to creep up on people?"

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you."

"Are we alone?"

"Yes."

"Where's Tay?"

"Tom, we are not on that Voyager.  You are home, on your
Voyager.  It was Commander Chakotay who you saw earlier.  I
dismissed him, as his presence was causing you distress."

"Chakotay?"

"Yes."

A memory arose, of him picking me up, of him holding me
close as we transported across.  I began to cry as I thought
about what Tay had said, that he had wanted rid of me.  I
had suffered all that because he had loved Tommy not me.

"Tom, I know you have suffered but you and the commander
will be able to work things out over time."

The thought of him coming anywhere near me, made me tremble. 
"No, no, I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to work
anything out with him.  He had his chance and he chose
Tommy.  I just want to get well and get back to the helm."

"Tom, I know you're upset but so is the commander.  At least
talk to him, he deserves a.."

"He deserves nothing, nothing from me.  No I don’t want to
talk about him anymore, is that clear."

"Perfectly Mr Paris."

I couldn't quite believe I was back on my Voyager out of his
clutches.  Now what would Chakotay do? He'd got Tommy and
now I was back.  Probably string us both along like he did
before.  Well I'd learnt my lesson.  By now I was shaking
uncontrollable and had curled up to lesson the shakes.  I
could see the doctor descending on me with a hypospray when
I heard the doors open.  I closed my eyes not wanting to see
Chakotay, not wanting to even acknowledge his existence.

"Tom."  The captain's voice calmed me a little.  She
wouldn't let bad things happen to me.

I turned over and faced her, trying to give her a small
encouraging smile.

"How are you feeling Tom?"

"To be truthful captain, a bit overwhelmed with it all."  I
didn’t know what else to say to her.  The truth was I was
confused and hurting inside, hurting badly.

"The doctor says you can be released to your quarters but it
will be at least a week before you can even think about
returning to your duties.  Do you want to talk about what
happened?"

I supposed I had to tell someone and the captain seemed as
good as anyone.

"What's there to tell?  He kept me tied up, he raped me, he
hurt me and by the time you came for me I was resigned to
the fact that I would die over there and soon. But …"

"But what Tom?"

"But he loved me, he told me he loved me.  He didn’t mean to
hurt me.  I don't think he did.  I'm sorry Captain, my
thoughts are all confused."

"Tom, you need to take your time to get used to thinks..  We
will do everything we can to support you.  Chakotay wants to
come and visit you, will that be alright."

"No captain, I don’t want to see him, except for duty I
don’t want anything more to do with him.  He didn’t went me
he wanted Tommy and it was only by Chakotay's help that Tay
was able to take me."

"No Tom, you are so wrong, Chakotay wouldn't do anything to
hurt you."

"I don’t want to hear it captain.  I don’t want to see him."

She nodded her head in agreement.  "Look you need rest and
counselling.  I want you to see your friends, relax and try
to come to terms with all that has happened.  You need to
make an appointment with either Tuvok or the doctor and
arrange therapy."

I nodded, having no intention of making any appointments. 
All I wanted was to get to my quarters, curl up and go to
sleep and forget everything for a few hours and that is what
I did.  I curled up and acted like Tommy, cried myself to
sleep.  I didn't see anyone for twelve hours, if anyone came
by I pretended I was still asleep. Eventually I let in
Harry.

"I'm so pleased to see you Tom. If I can help you, if you
need to talk over anything you know I'm here for you."

"What Harry, dropped by to hear the juicy details.  Sit
down, let me tell you what it's like to be the commander's
fuck toy."

Harry began to argue but I was on a roll, why should I
suffer alone.

"Sit down Harry, let me share with you the high point of my
life.  I wake up, thinking I'm in Chakotay's arms and
realise I'm tied up.  I'm surprised but still, you know me,
game for anything.  Then I realise it's Tay.  He tells me
that I'm there because Chakotay wanted rid of me, preferred
Tommy."  Harry began to argue.

"Shut up Harry, and listen.  He hit me but I thought it
can’t get much worse because I knew he liked to be fucked
and he couldn't really force me to do that now could he. 
Wrong again.  He sucked me and I got hard, how sick is that
and then he fucked himself on me.  Used me as a human dildo. 
But it just got better and better.  Did they tell you about
the nipple rings.  He put them in himself.  I was in pain
for days.  If I didn’t do as he asked he would just give
them a tug.  He used to get off on seeing me in pain, seeing
the tears rolling down my face.  Then when I thought I
couldn’t take anymore he rapes me, fucks me till I can’t
walk.  I was waiting to die Harry.  But  you know what the
sickest thing is Harry.  At my lowest, when I thought I
couldn't take any more, I told Tay I loved him, begged him
to fuck me.  The worst part is that some part of me meant
it.  I was waiting to die, knowing Chakotay, the man I
loved, had sent me to my death."

"Tom, why would Chakotay do that, he loves you."

"You are so naïve Harry.  He wanted me out the way.  Me
coming back must have really fucked up his plans but then
again maybe not.  He'll probably just carry on with Tommy,
like I don’t exist."

"Tommy's not here.  They took him back to the other Voyager. 
I'm telling you Tom that Chakotay had nothing to do with the
swap, that when he found out he nearly killed Tommy.  He was
desperate to get you back."

"Took him long enough to realise he was fucking Tommy and
not me.  He should have known straightaway."

"How could he, Chakotay…."

"I don’t want to hear his fucking name again Harry.  If you
mention him again you can leave."

I felt I was going out of my mind, there was just too much
to think about.

"Tom, I have to go, I'm on shift.  How do you feel about
getting together tonight in Sandrine's or even just in the
mess hall.  B'Elanna would love to see you.

"I'll see."

I went back to bed.  I felt empty.  I had lived for weeks
with only pain, sex and misery on the agenda, now I had
nothing, just emptiness.  As I was on the edge of sleep my
weary mind conjured up a picture of Chakotay and I realised
that after all this time we still had not made love and now
we never would.  This must have been still on my mind as I
fell asleep because I woke up with the hardest cock I had
had in a long time and a desperate need for release. 
Rubbing myself didn’t do it for me, I needed somebody
thrusting in me, giving me pain, taking away the emptiness. 
Just as I was considering replicating a dildo the door chime
went.  I knew Harry would be checking up on me so I threw on
some boxers and a dressing gown to hide my hard on and moved
to the door. 

"I know I shouldn’t be seeing you but I just needed to see
that you are alright."

"Come in Chakotay."

He looked good, my cock craved his touch.

"Who said you couldn't see me?"

"The captain said you didn’t want anything to do with me."

"Kiss me."

He rushed forward, surrounding me with his muscular arms. 
He began to kiss me gently but I thrust my tongue in.  I
didn’t want gentle or loving.

"Fuck me."

Chakotay pulled away.

"Please Chakotay, I need you to fuck me."  I grabbed hold of
his hand and moved it up and down on my erection.

He moved his hand away as thought it had burnt him.

I lay on the couch and undid my gown and pulling down my
shorts.

"Come on Chakotay, it's all yours.  I need this, I need it
badly."

All I could think about was getting some friction on my
aching cock but I could see he didn’t know what to do.

"Please Chakotay take away the pain."

"Tom I can’t do that, it would be wrong."

"Well fuck off and I’ll find someone else, someone who wants
me."

He began to argue back, trying placate me.

"I said get out."

By the time he had gone my arousal had withered.  One way or
another Chakotay had taken care of it. 

I didn’t go to Sandrine's, didn’t go anywhere.  Harry and
B'Elanna dropped by every day, the captain called worried
about my absence around the ship.  I told her I spent my
time sleeping and thinking things through.  She accepted it,
without question.  Didn’t realise she was so gullible.  What
I was doing was pacing up and down, crying, jacking off with
a dildo up my ass and becoming more and more desperate to
get laid.  After another nagging session from Harry I agreed
to meet him in Sandrine's on the condition that Chakotay
wouldn't be there.  Harry had informed me that the commander
had been reprimanded by the captain for visiting me when he
had been giving strict instruction not to.  I smiled to
myself, pity I couldn't have got him to fuck me, he might
have ended up in the brig.

I had a drink with Harry and B'Elanna and then Ayala joined
us.  They were talking about something or other and I
glanced at Greg.  He had similar looks to Chakotay and I
started imagining him fucking me.  If I could get him to
fuck me, I was sure part of the emptiness would go. 
Everyone was looking at me as I came out of my musings.

"Sorry I missed what you said."  I smiled at Harry.

"I said it was Greg who discovered Tommy wasn't you."

"So you're my knight in shining armour, Greg.  It's you I
need to thank." I reached out and briefly gripped his hand.

"It was nothing really.  I just asked Tommy about a
conversation we'd had and he couldn't remember it.  I knew
the real Tom would have remembered it so I asked B'Elanna to
investigate it."

"And what was the conversation."

"It was quite personal, I’ll tell you when there's just us
two."

"Why don't I walk back with you and you can tell me then." I
smiled, sure that Ayala could take away some of the bad
feelings.

"OK, I'm ready to turn in, early shift in the morning."

I thanked Harry and B'Elanna and we set off for Ayala's
quarters.  He began to tell me the story of our conversation
but I told him to wait.  Until we were alone.

When we got through the door I flung myself at him, kissing
him passionately.  He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me
away.

"Tom. Chakotay would kill me if he knew I had touched you."

"Come on Greg, fuck Chakotay, I don’t belong to him.  He
doesn’t care. Anyway what harm can there be in a goodnight
kiss?"  I moved forward kissing him again. As he moaned I
pushed in my tongue.  I could feel his hardness rubbing
against me and that excited me more.

"Greg do you like to play games?"

"I don’t know, what type of games?"

"Rough games. We go to bed, you tie me up, get me hard and
then sit on my dick.  If that's not your cup of tea, you can
tie me up and fuck me, hard.  Come on Greg, I want it and I
know you want it."

"Chakotay's my friend, I can’t hurt him."

"He wouldn’t know and if he did, he wouldn't care. Feel how
hard I am for you."  I put his hand on my dick, moaning as I
felt another man's hand on my aching cock.

"Go into the bedroom Tom.  Don’t get undressed, I want to do
that.  I'll replicate the things we need."

I moved towards the bedroom, at last I would feel something
other than emptiness.

Chakotay's point of view

I was meeting with the Captain to discuss the ways forward,
what we could do to help Tom.

"Ayala to Chakotay."

"Greg I'm in a meeting with the Captain, can this wait?"

"No, you need to come to my quarters, now.  It's Tom, I
don’t know what to do."

"I'm on my way."

The captain tapped her badge.

"I need emergency transport for me and the commander,
immediately to Ayala's quarters.

We materialised in his room, and could see straight away
that Greg was upset.  He put a finger up to his lips to keep
us quiet.

"What's happened?"

"Tom's begging me to tie him up and, and …"

"We can guess the rest."

"I didn't know what to do, he began to get crazy."

"It's OK Greg, we'll take care of it."  The captain moved
towards the bedroom door.  I followed and Greg tagged on. 
We entered and Tom immediately sat up.

"You bastard, Ayala.  You bottled out.  I know you wanted
me, what changed your mind."  I moved forward.  "Don’t come
near me, this is all your fault.  Don't come fucking near
me."  He was climbing towards the back of the bed.  I
stopped shocked at his out burst.

"Tom, please calm down."  The captain began talking in a
calm, soothing voice.  "Chakotay didn’t cause this, he tried
his best to get you back."

"Pardon ma'am but you don't know shit.  He wanted me out the
way, so he could spend his time fucking golden boy. You
don't understand, I just want to stop feeling empty.  I just
want to feel loved.  Greg was going to make the feelings go
away."

"Doctor can you come to Ayala's quarters straight away."

"I don't need the doctor, I don't need anyone." Tom was on
the point of hysteria and I felt helpless.

The doctor materialised and quickly took in the situation
and administered a tranquilliser.

"Doctor, secure him in sickbay and then meet me in the
briefing room in 15 minutes.  I think Mr Paris is not doing
as well as we thought."

We set off for the door.  "Captain I'll catch you up, I just
want to have a word with Greg."  I saw the apprehension on
his face.

"Right Greg tell me what happened."

"We were talking about how I had discovered there had been a
switch.  I told him I had become suspicious after Tommy
couldn’t remember our conversation.  Because it was about
his feelings for you I said I would tell him in private.  He
came onto me.  I'm sorry Chakotay, I couldn't help
responding, if only for a moment and you know the rest.  I'm
sorry, I had no intentions of bedding him, you've got to
believe that."

"Greg, stop apologising.  I know how persuasive Tom can be. 
Obviously his condition has deteriorated.  Thanks, some less
scrupulous person could have taken advantage.  I best go
join the meeting, see if we can sort this problem out."

"So do you think you can get back on track with him?"

"I'm sorry to say Greg, it's over.  You've got to admit, me
and him getting together was against all the odds without
all this trouble."

"Take care Chakotay, don't take the blame on this one."

I nodded.  Up until now I had hoped for some positive
outcome but the futility of it became clear while we were in
Ayala's room.  We hadn’t stood a chance from the start and
the best thing for Tom and for me, was a new start, apart.

The captain had called a senior staff meeting and was just
finishing an explanation of the circumstances.  I assumed
she hadn’t enlightened them as to what went off in Ayala's
cabin and from what I picked up she had told them just that
he was causing concern.

"Well doctor can you enlighten us as to how his counselling
is going?"

"Captain Mr Paris informed me that he was undertaking his
counselling with Mr Tuvok."

"That's not so captain, he told me he was seeing the
doctor."

"It's plain to see that despite his problems Mr Paris can
still give us the run around."

"We knew this would be a long and hard road but Tom seems to
have taken a step backwards.  Any suggestions."

There was only silence in the room.

"I want you to go away and think, anything however small may
be the thing we need to get through to Tom.  In the meantime
doctor, you need to make sure that Tom makes a series of
appointments and don't take no for an answer.  Dismissed. 
Commander, I'd like speak to you."

I watched all the others stream out and then I walked over
to the replicator.  I didn’t normally drink coffee but I
needed a boost so I joined the captain in her usual
beverage.

"How are you doing Chakotay?"

"Where do I start?  I'm hurt that Tom thinks I've caused all
this, that I would abandon him.  I'm sad that whatever I
thought we had is over but most of all I just want Tom to be
alright, to take away the hurt."

"You can't take away the hurt Chakotay, nobody can.  He has
to work through it himself.  We just have to find away to
let him do that."

"And what do we do in the meantime, we can't keep him
sedated."

"Or let him prowl the decks.  Today could have been much
worse.  There's a few who would like to sample what Tom was
offering, not all of them would have acted like Ayala."

"We need to protect him from himself as well as others. 
Let's hope that someone comes up with some plan, sooner
rather than later."

We sat for a while in companionable silence until the
doctor's voice cut in.

"Captain, I have a suggestion of sorts, but I only think the
Commander, myself, and yourself should be involved in this
meeting."

"Join us.  We are willing to listen to anything you can come
up with."

"At this stage Chakotay anything is worth a try."

I nodded and the doctor entered.

"The problem as I see it is that Tom has only known abuse
for the last few weeks and that he associates Tay's love
with that.  On the other hand we want him to disassociate
love, affection, friendship with that kind of treatment. We
either have to wait till he goes through extensive
counselling, that's if we can persuade him to stick to it or
we need to do something radical."

Janeway leant forward, "what do you propose doctor."

So here I was 2 hours later, pacing up and down outside the
holodeck.  Kathryn and the doctor came towards me.

"Chakotay if at anytime you feel uncomfortable with this, we
can pull the plug but I think we owe it to Tom to at least
give it a try."

"I feel uncomfortable with it before we even start but I
agree."

The doctor turned to me.  "Mr Paris is mildly tranquillised,
so he should be calm at first.  If he gets agitated use the
hypospray I've supplied.  I will not be monitoring the
holodeck but if you need me, call me straight away.  All you
need to do commander is follow the instructions I have given
you.  Good luck."

I swallowed deeply, luck, I certainly needed it.  I stepped
through the doors into a spacious room, cream walls, open
windows onto a balcony.  The view from the window was
breathtaking.  Hills in the distance, a river and lake,
trees swaying in the breeze.  It all looked so normal.  I
turned looking at the overly large bed, against all the
cream.  My breath caught in my throat as my eyes roamed up
and down the near naked body lying casually on the bed. 
Tom's eyes were closed, unaware that I was even in the room. 
His hands and feet were chained to the bed, loosely so as
not to hurt but tight enough to give him limited movement. 
The doctor and his theory had better be right because this
could set him back even further.

I walked softly over to the bed and sat down beside him. 
The doctor had said no physical contact but it had been so
long since I had touched him that I couldn't resist stroking
his forehead.  He opened his eyes, sleepily.

"Hi Tay."

I swallowed down the rage and bit down the retort that came 
unbidden. 

"I'm Chakotay Tom, remember me."

He smiled again, childlike.  "Chakotay."  His eyes began to
close, the drug still having affect.  "Didn't you love me
once?"

He shut his eyes.  I sat on the edge of the bed thinking
over the doctor's theory.  It sounded plausible as he had
explained it but now, now as I looked at Tom's shackled
body, it made no sense at all.  He had explained that Tom's
only sense of security was being tied up, in his broken mind
that was all he knew.  Tay had told him over and over he had
loved him, had told him the hurt was for his own good, and
was because he cared.  We now had to give Tom that sense of
loving, that sense of security without the beatings and rape
and the link would be the restraints.  I would talk to him,
eventually touch him, all while he was tied up and then
gradually release the restraints until he was comfortable
with my behaviour. Now I went over it in my head it sounded
far from plausible.  I slipped off my uniform and put on
sleep pants and vest and lay next to him on the bed.  I
pulled up the sheet, unable to look at his body any longer
and rested my hand on his shoulder. When he woke up I wanted
him to be aware straightaway that he had someone with him.

I must have nodded off when I felt him jerk away from me.

"Tay, where are we?"  His voice was trembling, clearly
afraid of me. It was obvious the tranquilliser had worn off. 
I undid one of his hands and fastened it to mine, that
allowed me to lie fully next to him.

"I'm not Tay, I'm Chakotay and we are on the holodeck on
Voyager, our Voyager."
I stroked his forehead again, trying to calm his trembling. 

"Hold me Chakotay."  I so wanted to wrap in him my arms, but
the doctor had said no, we had to talk."

"Not yet Tom, we need to talk things over."

"Do you want to fuck me?"

"No Tom, I want to talk."

"Why don’t you, I'm tied down, I couldn't stop you.  You
could do anything you wanted.  Please Chakotay do anything
you want, please take away the emptiness."

"I want to talk."

He turned his head away from me, mumbling.

"What did you say Tom."

I moved his face back towards me.

"I said you never wanted me in the first place, you only
ever wanted Tommy.  Tay said so."

"Forget Tay."  I leant over and gently kissed his lips, he
didn’t resist.  "Listen to me, he was lying to you.  I love
you Tom Paris whether you want me to or not."

"Kiss me again."

The kiss was sweet, gentle, loving and unbelievable erotic.
As I began to get hard I remembered the doctor's words.

"Please Tom will you talk to me."

He began getting very agitated.  "That's all you ever want
to do talk, do you ever want to fuck.  What's a matter
Commander, you're instrument to holy to be used on the likes
of me.  Don't want to contaminate you're sacred cock on a
slut like me, do we.  "

He was pulling heavily on the chain attached to my wrist.  I
managed to get it off and attached back to the bed.  I moved
off the bed putting a little distance between us.

"Tom you know I wanted to make love to you, I still want to
but not like this."

"But you fucked Tommy though, didn’t you.  You didn't mind
getting a little dirty then did you Chakotay.  I'll tell you
what we can do.  You come over and get me hard, won’t take
long and then get yourself ready.  Sit on my cock and I'll
take you to heaven.  Tay loved it, couldn’t get enough." 
His voice began to shake and I quickly moved back over to
him.  I undid one hand and quickly wrapped him in my arms. 
Whatever the doctor said, some times you had to go with
instinct. 

"Please Tom, I'm not Tay.  I can’t use you like that.  Let
me hold you."

He pushed into my body, trying to get as close as he could.

"I tried Chakotay I really tried to fight him but the more I
struggled the more he liked it.  It was when I stopped
fighting that he pierced my nipples.  I was in agony and
then he raped me."  He buried his head again into my
shoulder.

"Don’t ever be ashamed Tom, this is not your fault."

"All I can feel in my chest is hurt Chakotay.  All I can
feel is emptiness.  You say you love me but I don’t think I
will ever be able to feel for another person.  You may as
walk out now because I'll never be able to love you."

"Let's take it one day at a time."

"But what if he comes back for me?  He said he loved me, he
won't let me go that easily."

"He didn't love you and he won't be coming back Tom, they're
both dead.  Tommy shot Tay and security shot Tommy, they are
out of our lives forever."

He went quiet.

"I need to take a leak."

I undid all the restraints and I walked over to the window. 
Maybe the doctor was on to something after all, maybe I
could get him to talk a bit more, maybe hold him a bit more. 
Tomorrow we could move onto the next stage.

Tom Paris' point of view.

When I had woken up, thinking Tay was beside me, I had
plastered on the smile, prepared for whatever was to come. 
Then I had realised we weren't in his cabin and became
confused at what was happening.  When he told me he was
Chakotay I didn’t believe him, thinking it could be a trick. 
I became more confused when he refused to kiss me, touch me
even, so I asked him if he wanted to fuck me.  That's the
only thing I could think that he would want to do with me. 
That's all I wanted him to do.  But he just wanted to talk,
so I knew for sure it wasn't Tay.  He'd have been buried up
to the hilt by now.  Then it had come back to me how
Chakotay had avoided making love to me, that we had never
made love, not properly, not the whole way.  I began goading
him, wanting to hurt him, hurt him badly.  I saw his face
when I told him to sit on my cock, that Tay liked it and
then I lost it.  All the bad memories came flooding back and
I just wanted Chakotay to understand.  I wanted him to know
that I hadn’t wanted the pain, that I had tried to struggle. 
He had soothed me and comforted me and I had begun to relax,
when he told me about their deaths.  I just had to get away
from him.

So here I was, with my head on the cool tiles, my anger
building up again.  It was obvious now, Chakotay hadn't
wanted me.  But he would, now, now that Tommy was dead.  I
was a substitute before why not again.  I looked down and
realised my nipple rings were gone and I felt a sense of
loss.  Why I don’t know, they only gave me pain but they had
taken them from me without asking.  Everybody just did what
they liked with me, everything was down to them, I had no
control. Well I was going to change that.  I tugged on my
nipple, causing a little pain to run through my body to
harden my dick.  I was going to make sure things were going
to change.

I opened the door quietly and watched Chakotay staring out
at the view.  He had his back to me.  Quickly I looped my
arms through his arms and threw him to the bed.  Before he
could react I had his hand in the restraints.

"Tom let me go, let's work this out."

"No.  I'm tired of being the victim, tired of working things
out to other people's advantage."

"Tom let's talk things through."

"Shut up."

I grabbed his shirt, which was on the floor and tied it
around his mouth.  He was thrashing about but I managed to
tie one foot and then the other.  No wonder Tay liked
restrained, it was such an erotic image.  But now I had the
problem of how to get his clothes off without untying him
again.  I moved over to the bathroom, whoever had programmed
this was a stickler for detail.  In the cabinet was a
manicure kit, complete with a small pair of scissors.  I
soon made short work of his vest and shorts.  I brushed my
hand over his back and down to his firm cheeks, gripping
both in my hands.  I lay fully over his body, kissing his
neck, getting harder.  He tasted so good.  Just as I was
nibbling on his shoulder he must have got the shirt from out
of his mouth.

"Tom please don’t do this, this is not you.  This is
something you'll regret."

Why couldn't he just be quiet like I used to do?  Why did he
not know his place, not know how to play his role?"

I grabbed the shirt, pushing it roughly into his mouth.

"You never learn do you?  You think you're still the boss. 
Think again Chakotay, I'm in charge now."

I went back to the bathroom, I would have to improvise.  One
good thing, the cabinet was well stocked for all
eventualities. 

I pushed a pillow under his hips, raising his ass to a more
appropriate position.

"I know your game Chakotay you only want me because you
can’t have Tommy.  I've told you before, I don’t play second
fiddle."

I brought the hairbrush down onto his ass, he bucked and
screamed into the gag.  The feeling of power streamed
through me.  I hit him again and again.  After the tenth
hit, when I thought I had chastised him enough, I brought
out the massage oil.  This was no loving act as I coated my
fingers and rammed home.  When I thought he was sufficiently
prepared I entered him, with as little care as Tay had
entered me.  This was what I needed, to be in control, to be
the one in charge.  As I emptied every ounce of essence into
him, the haze lifted from my mind and I slowly realised what
I had done.  I pulled out of him and ran to the bathroom.  I
just made it in time to empty my stomach.  I slid to the
floor, knowing I was no better than Tay, knowing I was more
fucked up than I had ever been.  I washed myself down,
seeing the come mingled with blood, Chakotay's blood.  The
man  who had never hurt me and I had his blood on me, his
shame at my hands.  I moved back out into the bedroom and
moved over to the bed.  He had his eyes closed, which I was
thankful for but I could see where the tears had run down
his face.  Over on his pile of clothes I had noticed a
hypospray, probably for if I got over excited.  I moved over
to him and administered it.  As soon as I knew he was out, I
undid him and cleaned him up, covering him with the sheet. 
I fastened myself to the bed, administered the rest of the
tranquilliser, fastened my other arm and closed my eyes, to
wait for the consequences.

I awoke to voices.  Chakotay was talking into his comm.
badge to the doctor.

"Doctor can you transport over another hypospray of
tranquilliser and a dermal regenerator. "

"How is it going Commander?"

"Not to well Doctor.  I’ll be in touch."

He sounded distressed and a lump formed in my throat.  He
walked, gingerly, over to the bathroom, not giving me a
glance at all.  He came back in and sat down on the bed,
with his back to me, not saying anything.  The silence
permeated the room, till it filled my head, my body, even my
soul.

"I'm sorry."  I managed to croak out.

"Are you Tom, or is that what you think I want to hear?"

Before I could say anything else he turned and walked out of
the holodeck.

Chakotay's point of view.

I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know who to turn to but I
knew I had to talk to someone before I went back in.  If I
didn't sort this out in my head we would never get past it. 
I wandered around awhile and as I looked up I realised I was
outside Kathryn's quarters.  As the door opened, she took
one look at me and pulled me into her arms.

"What's happened?"

I couldn't say the word, couldn’t say exactly what Tom had
done.  "He attacked me."

"I thought he was restrained?"

"I let him loose to go to the bathroom and then he…"  I
couldn't say any more.

The penny must have dropped, "Oh Chakotay you don't mean…"

"Yes."

I put my head in my hands unable to face her, ashamed that I
had let this happen to me.

"Chakotay, please don’t blame him.  He doesn't know what
he's doing.  Please don't let this destroy what you have."

"What do we have?  Nothing Kathryn, nothing.  It's been
fucked up from the start.  I wish this thing had never
happened."

"If it hadn’t have happened you wouldn't have got with Tom."

"No, I would have been with you.  I would have been happy
and Tom wouldn’t be the fucked up mess he is."

I reached out for her, pulling her to me, wanting comfort. 

"Please Kathryn, let me stay, let me make love to you."  I
knew as I was saying it that I didn’t really want it, but at
that moment I just needed comfort, needed to forget.

"Chakotay, if you can come to me when this is all over and
ask me that, I will come to you without hesitation but at
the moment I think you are hurting and confused."

"Oh Spirits, I'm nearly as fucked up as Tom.  I'm sorry."

"Chakotay I'm sorry to be blunt but does the doctor need to
attend to you?"

"No, I got him to send a regenerator over."

"I think we need to call him, ask his advice on what to do
next."

"No, Kathryn.  I don’t want anyone else to know about this. 
I don’t know if I can go back in.  I don’t know if I can see
this through but I don't want anyone to know what has just
happened."

"You can and will see this through Chakotay.  Think of Tom,
he feels you've abandoned him once, don’t let him think
you've done it again.  If you leave him now, he has no one
who can get him out of this.  Do you love him?"

"Honestly, I don’t know.  I thought I did until this but
now, now I'm not sure."

"Well in that case, get him through this as a friend, as a
Commanding Officer."

I nodded.  "By the time this is through, Tom will either be
cured or one of us will be dead."  I tried to joke but
neither of us laughed.

I left the captain's quarters and walked around a little. 
The crew giving me wide berth at the look on my face.  I
didn't know how long had passed since I had left Tom, long
enough to give him time to think.  Think of the consequences
of his actions.  I slowly walked through the doors and
avoided looking at Tom.  I sat down on the edge of the bed,
my back to him, trying to think of some plan to get us past
this.

Tom's point of view.

"Please don’t hate me Chakotay."  I began to sob softly but
it soon built up until I was crying my heart out.  When I
thought I couldn’t cry anymore Chakotay, the man I had
recently taken by force, reached out and stroked my face.

"I don’t hate you, I could never hate you."

For the first time since my act of violence our eyes met.

"How can you not hate me after what I did to you."

"I hate what you did but that doesn’t mean I hate you.  I
don’t know how we are going to get through this.  The doctor
came up with a plan but it isn't working."

"What's the plan?"

"He thought that we could use the restraints to link the bad
experiences to the good experiences."  I must have looked
puzzled.

"All you've experienced over the last few weeks is being
violated while being tied up and that's what you were trying
to repeat when you went with Ayala.  The doctor thought that
if we could talk things through and then slowly introduce
gentle lovemaking your body would respond to the difference. 
We could then untie you and skip off into the sunset."

A little ray of hope crept into my miserable existence.

"Why can't we try?  We've talked, why can’t we make love. 
The doc may be right."

"Let's sleep on it and we'll talk about it in the morning." 
He reached over and undid one hand and one leg, turned his
back to me and curled up at the edge of the bed.

I reached out and touched his back, "Chakotay."

I saw him flinch and I removed my hand.

"In the morning Tom."

I awoke to an empty bed and my first thought was that he had
left once again.  But I saw him standing by the window, deep
in thought.

"Chakotay, I need to use the bathroom."

He moved across, undid the other restraints and moved back,
without saying a word.  When I returned, his back was to the
wall. He wouldn't be caught out again.  I sat on the bed,
waiting for him to put the restraints back on but he just
stood at the window.

"Chakotay, you need to put these back on."

"No Tom.  It's over, this just isn’t working.  You said
yourself you're incapable of loving me and my feelings for
you have changed.  Get dressed we're going to see the
doctor. We are going to have to find another way."

I started to argue, if Chakotay gave up on me, who else
would try.

We arrived at sickbay at the same time as the captain.  She
nodded in greeting but didn't say anything.  We stood around
no one wishing to go first. Eventually the doc coughed and
then spoke up.

"I take it that some conclusion as been reached or you would
both be on the holodeck?"

"It's not working."  Chakotay folded his arms across his
chest.  The determined look on his face told me that this
was the end.

"Commander, you have to be patient.  There is still two
days, more if needed.  A breakthrough could still happen."

"I can't do it.  I can't move on to the next step.  Someone
else will have to do it."

I stepped forward.  "What next step."

"The gentle lovemaking.  I can’t do it."

I reached my hand out and stroked his face, not caring that
we had an audience.

"We can try Chakotay, we were good before."

"I don't want you Tom."  He turned his face away from me. 
"My body doesn't want you."  He walked out of the doctor's
office, not giving anyone a chance to say anything.

"What did he mean?"  The doctor looked confused.

"He means, I don’t get him hard anymore.  It looks like
you'll have to put me down for a spot of counselling doc. 
How long do you think it will take to straighten me out? 
Let's see, we can start on the fucked up father, move onto
abusive relationship, repressed feelings for the first
officer, rape, kidnapping and rejection.  Seriously doc, how
long will it take?"

"Lieutenant, it will take time, patience…"

I didn't give him time to finish.  "Just inject me with some
poison, doc.  Put me and Chakotay out of our misery."

"Tom."  The captain looked at me beseechingly.

"Suicidal, add that to the list as well."

I was allowed back to my quarters, with counselling sessions
arranged every other day and wearing a monitoring device in
case I was really suicidal.  It was so easy to convince them
that things would be alright.  For a day or two things were.
I tried to fight the overwhelming feelings going through my
body.  When they got too much I even approached a few of the
crew I knew were interested in rough games.  But they
declined and gave me wide berth.  One day I found out why. 
I was covering for Neelix in the mess hall, the only duty
they felt I was capable of doing, and was under the counter
getting some plates he'd put in stock.  I heard Ayala
talking and quickly deduced he was talking to the Commander. 
I hadn’t seen Chakotay since the day in the sickbay.

"Chakotay you are going to have to do something.  He's
propositioned a few of the Maquis.  Asked them if they were
interested in some sadistic sex sessions.  Luckily I'd had a
word with them, warned them.  But I can’t keep watching his
back.  One day he's going to get somebody who will take him
up on the offer."

"Why are you watching his back, Greg?"

"I thought you'd want me to.  I know he means something to
you."

"You thought wrong Greg.  If he wants to be tied up and
fucked, then that's up to him.  I'm sure once the word gets
around they'll be a nice little queue forming.  It's his
business."

They moved away and I sat on the floor.  What had I let
myself become?  I needed to get back some self-respect and
quick.  I stood up, shakily and began serving a few of the
customers.  When it became quiet I took a cloth and began
wiping the tables.   As I neared Greg and Chakotay's table I
nearly chickened out but I moved over. 

"How are things?"  I tried to sound as normal and cheerful
as possible.

"Fine and you?"  Greg gave me a small smile.

"Not to bad."

I moved away.  I had acted so fucked up for so long that
even a little normal conversation seemed alien.  As soon as
my shift in the mess hall finished I rushed to sickbay to
make my counselling sessions for every day.  The overhead
conversation had pulled me up short.  I wanted to prove
Chakotay wrong, I wasn't some fucked up sex toy for the
crew.

Chakotay's point of view.

I tried to put it all behind me, get on with life but
however much I tried I couldn't help wondering how Tom was. 
I hadn't been lying when I said I couldn't go through with
it but it wasn't just because my body wasn't reacting.  I
knew after all this we didn't stand a chance of a
relationship.  I couldn't make love to him and then walk
away.  I suppose I should have had counselling too but I
didn't want to discuss my feelings with just anyone so I
withdrew, spent my spare time meditating.  As Tom hadn't
been cleared for helm duty I hardly saw him.  I came close
to losing it in the mess hall when he was covering for
Neelix.  He looked so lost and alone.  After that I heard he
had stopped approaching crew for sex.  I hoped that was a
good sign.  I even considered that he had settled down into
a relationship.  That hurt.

I was in the cargo bay, trying to find some wine I knew
B'Elanna had hidden. Hidden too well as I couldn't locate
it.  I heard a noise and moved into the shadows.  My heart
sank when I say Dalby slam Tom into the wall.  It was none
of my business but it looked like Tom had finally found
someone to give him the rough sex he was looking for.  I was
just making for the door when I heard Dalby speak.

"Come on Paris.  I know you like a little pain."  I watched
as Dalby bit Tom's neck and heard Tom yelp.

"Come on you little whore.  You've been putting it about,
now it's my turn."

I realised as Tom began shouting no and struggling, that
this wasn't a consensual arrangement.

As Tom began begging Dalby to leave him alone, I rushed
forward.  Dalby didn’t hear me or see the fist that
connected to his face.

"Go to your cabin and wait there Dalby.  I will deal with
you later."

I took one look at Tom's white face, his torn clothes and
called for a site to site transport to my quarters.  As we
materialised I began to get worried.  He was ashen, shaking
and hadn't uttered a word. 

"Tom, I'll get the doctor."

"No, please no."

"OK, sit there and I'll be back."

He obeyed, not seeming to know what else to do.

I moved into the bathroom and ran a warm bath, one of my
command privileges.  Returning to the bedroom I could see
that Tom hadn’t moved an inch, his body still shaking from
the trauma.

I helped him get undressed and eased him into the bath.  He
didn't want the doctor involved and I didn't have any
tranquilliser so I had to deal with the shock the old
fashioned way.  He sat rigid in the bath, staring at
nothing.  Making a decision I stripped off and climbed in
behind him.  Pulling him to my chest, I held him tight.

"You're safe now Tom.  He will not touch you again, I
promise you that."  I felt him relax, only slightly but it
was a start.

"Let me get the doctor."

He shot out of my arms.  "No.  They think I'm fucked up
enough.  If they know about this, I'll be even further away
from getting back to the helm.  Give me a minute and I'll
get myself together and be on my way."

I pulled him back into my arms.  "You can't go anywhere yet,
you're still shaking." 

He relaxed, a little.  "I didn't come on to Dalby, you've
got to believe that Chakotay."

"I know Tom.  He will be dealt with."

The water was getting cold so I got out the bath, wrapped
myself in a towel and helped Tom get out.  As I wrapped him
in a robe he began to shake again.

"Go get in the bed, get warm.  I’ll sleep on the couch."

He walked out, as if in a trance, unaware of what I was
saying. 

"Tom, if you need me, shout me."

"It wasn't my fault this time."  He began to get agitated,
his shaking becoming more prominent.

"Tom none of this is your fault, do you hear me, none of
it."

"It is.  It must be.  I must have asked for it."  He began
to cry, sobbing as though he would never stop crying.

"I only wanted to be loved, by you.  Now I just want it over
with.  I want to stop feeling like this."

My blood ran cold.  "Tom you don’t mean it.  We'll get you
better."

"How Chakotay, even you've given up on me."

I climbed under the covers with him, enclosing his shaking
body in my arms. 

"Tom please don’t talk like this.  I don’t want you to leave
me.  I'll do anything to help you."

"Make love to me."

"Tom, I don’t think that is wise."

"No you don’t want me, not now I've been used and abused. 
What do you see when you look at me, Chakotay.  You use to
see someone you wanted, what do you see now?  A whore who
likes pain, someone not good enough…"  He began sobbing
again.

A gave him a light kiss on the lips.  "Do you know what I
see?  I see a man who has suffered at the hands of others,
who is vulnerable and someone who I want to make love to
more than anyone else I have ever met."

He turned his troubled eyes to me.

"Chase away the demon's Chakotay.  I only feel safe in your
arms.  I have only ever felt safe in your arms."

Commonsense told me that it was the wrong time, the wrong
place, the wrong thing to do, but it didn’t matter.  I
wanted to make love to him, make him feel safe.  I pulled
him to me.

"I want to make love to you Tom."

I didn't wait for his answer, just folded him into my arms
and began kissing him.  Taking my time, I caressed every
part of his body, slowly bringing him to climax with my
tongue and lips.  He reached up to my face and with
trembling hands traced my lips.  His eyes were large and
full of emotion.

"We've waiting a long time for this Chakotay.  Love me."

I was nervous, this was our first time of really making
love.  Slowly and lovingly I began preparing him.  When he
was ready, I hesitated and he must have sensed it.

"Please Chakotay, I need this. I need you."

As I slowly pushed in, I looked at him.  "I love you.  I
want you to know that Tom."  He didn't say it back and we
didn't speak after that.  I just concentrated on loving him. 
As I came inside him I had a uncontrollable urge to cry but
I just held on to him as we both tried to gain normality. 

That moment seemed like a turning point for Tom. After that
things settled down, he was more like his old self.  It
didn't take long for him to be back at the helm.  He was
staying over a few nights a week.  He never said he loved me
but he was affectionate and I began to think we stood a
chance. 

Tom Paris' story.

Chakotay making love to me, healed something within me. 
After that day I felt a shift in me and things slowly began
to become more normal.  It wasn't plain sailing, there were
still times when I became withdrawn or cried.  That was the
worst, when I cried, that's when I felt I was Tommy.  But
eventually even those episodes became infrequent and I was
being evaluated for duty back at the helm.  When I passed we
celebrated by making love.  Even though he told me he loved
me, and often, I still couldn’t say it to him.  Part of me
was shut off and I wasn't sure if it would ever be open
again.  But he seemed to accept it and I was grateful that
he didn’t push me. 

I had been back at the helm two weeks when the tension began
to build up in me.  It started by being reprimanded by
Chakotay, in his full Commander mode.  He'd had a quiet word
with me and I could accept what he had to say, when an image
of me thrashing Tay and the feeling of power that went with
it, came into my mind.  My nipples ached to be pulled on and
my body had a longing for pain, it hadn't needed in a while. 
I fought down the urge and went back to my work.  But the
tension was still with me.  I tried the gym, hoverball
anything to get rid of the feelings that were building up in
me.  In the end I had to admit defeat and go see the doc. 
The mild tranquilliser worked for a day or so but then I was
back.  He increased the strength but a day later, as the
feelings were getting stronger I returned.  I reluctantly
told him I still had a need for pain, that I felt it was the
only thing that would release my tension.  I had come to the
conclusion that wanting the pain was a part of me, that I
had to live with it.

"Mr Paris, have you spoken the Commander about your problem. 
Drugs are not the long term solution."

"I can't tell him.  They'll take me off the helm, Chakotay
will leave me.  I need to sort this out myself."

"I think you are wrong about the Commander, please consider
talking to him."

I tried my best to act normal but it was obvious that
something was wrong and Chakotay kept asking me if
everything was alright.  One morning as he asked me for what
seemed the tenth time I snapped.  Told him he was
suffocating me and that he needed to give me some space. 
From there the tension got worse.  I argued with Harry at
breakfast, questioned one of the captain's decisions. 
Chakotay disappeared for a while and that added to my
anxiety.  All sorts of reasons for his disappearance came to
mind.  He came back after an hour and I felt his hand on my
shoulder. 

For a moment I felt reassured.  But later I heard him joking
with Harry and the tension intensified.  I was stressed,
snappy, prone to crying.  Why should he stay with me, when
plenty of the crew would jump at the chance to be with him. 
My mind must have wandered because I made error in judgement
and he had to pull me up on it.  I snapped back and he
reprimanded me again.  I felt I was on sinking sand and that
if I didn’t pull myself together I was going to lose the two
things that meant everything to me. Chakotay and the helm.

"Lieutenant Paris can I have a word with you in my ready
room." The captain's voice cut through the air.

"Hold that for a moment Mr Paris. Could I just have a word,
captain?"  Chakotay's voice was gentle, quiet.

As they both came back out, she called out to me. 

"Get a relief to finish your shift Mr Paris and then report
to the Commander's office."

As I walked to Chakotay's office I felt like a strung bow,
tight and ready to fire.  Janeway, Chakotay and the doctor
had made sympathetic noises but they didn’t know what I was
really going though.  The truth be known I didn't really
understand what I was going through.  I only knew that I was
tense and I needed release.

As we entered Chakotay's office I could taste the tension,
not just with me but with him as well.  He turned to look at
me.

"You are out of order Tom."

I didn't say anything but looked up at Chakotay.

"I've spoken to the doctor, he says you are having problems. 
Why didn't you tell me?"  He sounded sad, defeated.

"Because when you look at me, all you will see is the
problems.  I can't keep burdening you."

"You don't burden me."  He meant well but something in his
voice angered me.  It was like he was talking to a little
child, careful so he wouldn't upset me.

I started shouting, saying how I was defected, that everyone
would be better off without me.  I knew I was hurting
Chakotay but I needed to vent the tension somewhere.

That's when he grabbed me, threw me over his knee, pulled
down my trousers and began to spank me, hard.  As his hand
hit me for the sixth time, I came, screaming.  The orgasm
was so intense I couldn't move, the tension all gone from my
body and mind.  He pulled me into his arms, telling me how
sorry he was.

"Don't be sorry.  Make love to me.  The bad feelings have
gone, replace them with good ones."

"Are you sure, Tom?"

I nodded and he took my hand and led me over to the couch. 
The love making was tender but intense and as Chakotay
climaxed, he shook.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Tom.  I just didn't know what else to
do."

"You did the right thing, I feel better than I have in a
long time.  I know you don't like to think about it, but
this need for some pain may be with me for a long time."

"That's what the doctor said when I went to see him.  He
said I had to consider giving you what you need but I can't
say I find it easy."

"Nothing is going to be easy, Chakotay.  It's whether you
think I'm worth it."

"I'd run naked through the corridors if I thought it would
help you."

"That's a sight I'd like to see, in fact there's a few who
would pay to see that."

He pulled me to him and I felt renewed. 

I apologised to Harry and the captain and concentrated on
doing my job and letting Chakotay love me.

Chakotay's point of view

At last we seemed to be on an even keel.  After the
spanking, which I was reluctant to do, he seemed much
happier.  Our lovemaking was improving all the time.  He
still hadn’t told me he loved me but he showed it in other
ways.  Most of the crew, including Kathryn, had accepted our
relationship.  I felt he had made another step forward when
he cracked a joke on the bridge and everyone laughed.  I had
to swallow the lump in my throat as I thought of how far he
had come.

Of course it wasn't all plain sailing.  Often he would walk
up, crying or shouting from a nightmare.  He had done that
before, but now they were more vivid, upset him more.  Days
would go by and then he would withdraw and nothing I said or
did would bring him around.  Then one morning he would get
up and everything would be alright.  I knew, when he was on
his own, he cried.  He tried not to do it in front of me, he
knew that was one of the things that irritated me about
Tommy.

It had been six weeks since the spanking incident and it had
been two weeks since his last nightmare.  More and more he
was like the Tom of old, exchanging jokes with Harry, even
arguing with me, if he didn’t agree with something I said. 
That more than anything said he was on the road to recovery. 
Up till now he had been scared of making me angry, scared of
any conflict. 

We were going to an engagement party in Sandrine's and he
was in a good mood.  At last Harry and B'Elanna were
officially a couple.  As I stood at the back, watching them
dancing, Tom slipped his hand in mine, just momentarily, to
give it a squeeze.  He withdrew it quickly, still not
comfortable with other people seeing any displays of
affection.

"They make a good couple."  Tom smiled affectionately at his
two friends.

"You're not jealous?  I know you fancied your chances with
B'Elanna at one point." My arm reached around him and I gave
him a quick hug.

"Yes, till you came along."  His eyes met mine and they were
filled with such longing that I wanted to take him, then and
there.

"Let's call it a night."  He must have seen the lust
mirrored in my eyes, because he just nodded.

Up to that night I had been gentle in our lovemaking but I
was overcome with lust for him, so I took him with passion. 
Over and over again he cried for more and I obliged,
thrusting in hard, biting his neck.  Afterwards, I was
filled with remorse but he threw his arms around me and told
me how good it had been.

It was only with hindsight that I realised that the next day
he was quiet and withdrawn.  The day after that the doctor
called me in to have a word with him, Tom had been
argumentative on his morning shift.  He asked me if
everything was alright and to me it was.  Better than
alright.  But now the doctor had pointed it out to me, I
couldn't help noticing how quiet Tom was at the helm.  Off
duty I tried to talk to him but he just said he needed some
quiet time and marched off to his quarters.  I was off duty
the next day but reports came to me about his surly
behaviour.  The doctor informed me that Tom had visited him
and required a tranquilliser. 

"I think Chakotay his tension is building up again.  You may
have to discipline him."

I shook my head.  "It doesn't seem right.  He's suffered
enough pain.  I shouldn’t be handing out more."

"It is the only thing that works for him.  Has he talked to
you about what set off this recent bout of tension?"

"No when he gets like this he just withdraws."

"He feels guilty."

"About what."

"This is rather personal but he says that up till now all
your lovemaking as been tender, gentle even.  Your last bout
of lovemaking was rather more vigorous and he feels guilty
that he liked it.  He thinks you would be disappointed in
him if you thought he was in to that rough stuff.  His
words.  He doesn't want you to think that he wanted what
happened to him but he does enjoy, how can I put this, you
taking the upper hand with him."

"He wants me to dominate him?"

"Not exactly, but he wants you to stop treating him with kid
gloves."

"Why couldn't he say these things to me?"

"Because he doesn't want to be a burden to you.  He doesn't
want you thinking any the less of him.  If you want my
advice, I'd go relieve his tension now, before it gets to
the point were he's subordinate to the captain.  And another
thing, you might like to consider letting Tom make love to
you.

I shook my head and moved out.  Spanking was bad enough but
I couldn't let him near me, not to make love to me.  The
memories of last time still too strong in my mind.  I made
my way to the bridge, hoping in the meantime that Tom hadn't
overstepped the mark with anyone.  As I stepped out, it
looked like he was just on the brink.

I could tell from Kathryn's face and stance that this was a
discussion she didn’t want to have.

Tom's face had that determined look that said he was going
to be listened to no matter what. "But Captain, I think your
decision is wrong.  If you did it my way we would.."

"Captain, could someone cover the helm while I have a word
with Mr Paris."  I jumped in before things could deteriorate
further.

"Ayala take the helm.  Take all the time you need
Commander."  Kathryn gave me a look of thanks as I moved
back into the turbo lift with a stony-faced pilot at my
side.

He looked away from me, I looked forward waiting for the
tirade that I knew would come.

"Does she ever listen to advice from anybody.  She's a
one-woman show.  Her decision's wrong and she knows it.  But
will she back down, no.  We've all to do it her way."

"She's the Captain, Tom."  I put a reassuring hand on his
elbow but he shrugged it off.

"Don’t Tom me.  I knew you would take her side, you always
do.  Still got a soft spot for her, I bet."

I was finding it hard to keep my temper but I did.  I knew
it was the tension making him say these things.  Though I
was sure he believed a little of what he was saying.  We had
reached my office but he was still ranting on, well into his
stride.

"In fact, you spend a great deal of time with her, when I
come to think about it.  I bet you'd like me out of the way,
then you could get down and do the dirty with her."

"Get over to the desk."

He got the scenario straightaway.

"Oh no Chakotay, I'm not you're plaything.  You can get your
fun somewhere else."

"Bend over the desk, Tom."

This time he did as he was told, pulling his trousers down
as he got there.

"Don't think for one minute I want to do this.  If I knew
another way."  I left the rest unsaid.  Because the truth
was, that I did want to do it.  As we had marched to my
office, realisation dawned that I was hard.  I wanted to see
Tom's ass, stuck up in the air, red with my handprints.  I
wanted to hear him shout out his climax and then I wanted to
take him, take him so hard that he would know the kid gloves
were off.

"You've over stepped the mark this time Tom.  You've made it
personal."  He yelped as I spanked him hard.

"You know I've no interest in Kathryn."  I slapped him on
the other cheek.  "Only you."  His breathing was becoming
very laboured as I reddened his right cheek once more.  As I
went to spank his left cheek, he called out.

"No, no more."  He looked over his shoulder.  "Fuck me. 
Please."

I didn't need a second invitation.  I grabbed the lube that
I kept in the drawer, lent him against the wall and took
him.  Hard and with passion.  I just hoped nobody was
walking by the door when he climaxed.  He shouted so loud,
passers-by would have thought I was murdering him, not
making love to him.  I held him up while he tried to pull
himself together.  I turned him around and kissed him hard
on the lips.

"Why didn't you tell me?  Why do you wait till it builds up? 
If you talk to me we can sort it out together."

"I'll try."

"Promise."

"Will you spank me if I don't."

"Tom."  I couldn't get another word out as he began kissing
me.

"Sometimes Chakotay, you make me feel so good.  You chase
away the demons."

Walking back to the bridge, he was a different person. 
Relaxed, carefree, which was more than I could say for me. 
Even though I enjoyed it, I didn't feel right about the
doctor's unconventional treatment.  But till he came up with
something else, I had to admit it worked.  For a while
anyway.

Tom Paris' point of view.

The bad feelings in my head were slowly receding. 
Chakotay's loving care saw to that.  The incidents of
tension occurred at longer intervals.  Sometimes he spanked
me till I came and then made love to me, tender and always
loving.  But sometimes, I would stop him and order him to
fuck me.  Whichever way it lessened the tension and gave me
an explosive orgasm.  Both I was thankful of.  My
counselling with the doctor was going well, most of the
time.  It was usually after a really bad session that the
tension began to build up.  Most of the brutal facts were
out of the way.  It was the hard to face emotional stuff
that I had to talk about now.  Like why couldn't I tell
Chakotay I loved him?  I was affectionate with him, but held
back and I'm sure at times it hurt him.  I didn't like
thinking about it, much less talking about it.  The doctor
had tried to bring up the subject of my assault on Chakotay
but I couldn't go there.  That was buried, I didn't want to
visit that dark place again.

I was just making my way to the bridge after a good session
with the doc.  I felt happy, for no good reason than it felt
good to be alive.   Chakotay wasn't in his seat and the
captain was intent on her console.  She looked up.

"I'll bring you up to date Mr Paris.  We’ve received a
distress call from a small ship, damaged in an ion storm. 
The commander has taken the flyer to assist."

"He's gone alone?"  The concern was plain in my voice.  Was
she mad, allowing a solitary crewmember into an unknown
situation.

"No, Mr Paris, he is not alone.  Tabor and Adamson are with
him."

I turned back to the helm.  That was a great comfort. 
Adamson jumped at his own shadow and Tabor got so flustered
around Chakotay that he couldn't think straight.  Yeah
they'd be great back up.

It was about an hour later that I realised that there was
some low level panic going on behind my back.  I turned to
see Janeway busy with Harry at his console.

"Is there something the matter captain?"

"Nothing to be concerned about Tom."

I might have believed her if she hadn't called me Tom.

"It's the Flyer, isn’t it?"  I put the helm on autopilot and
moved over to Harry's station.  If she wanted to make
something of it, she was welcome. 

"We lost contact 10 minutes ago."  She put a hand on my arm.

"What and you thought I wouldn't be able to cope with that
bit of news.  I may have lost it for awhile Captain but I'm
as capable as any other person on this bridge."

She nodded and I moved back to the helm.  Janeway shouted
out the co-ordinates and I altered course.  Four hours
passed as we flew towards their position.  No trace on the
scanners, no communication.  I was proud how calm I managed
to stay, though inside I felt like screaming.  The thought
that he could be dead, and I hadn't told him I loved him,
sprung into my mind.  This thought ate at my hard fought
equilibrium like the Phage.  But I fought it down, losing it
now wouldn’t do anyone any good.  Just as I had managed to
get my thoughts in order again, Harry shouted he'd got them
on the scanner.  Minutes later Chakotay's deep and
ridiculously sexy voice came over communications.

"The ion storm took communications out, but everything is
alright here.  Permission to land the flyer."

"Permission granted Commander."

I let out a sigh, releasing the tension.  As the turbolift
door opened I turned to look.  He was busy patting Adamson
on the shoulder and giving Tabor a big smile.  Didn't he
know the trauma I'd been through?  Maybe it was time to show
him.

Chakotay gave a succinct report to the captain and then she
told me to resume our previous course.  I took that
opportunity to say something scathing.  Not bad enough to
get me reprimanded, but enough for Chakotay to know there
was something the matter.

"Would you like to step into the Captain's office, a moment
Mr Paris?"

I followed him in.

"Tom, I know…"

"Kiss me."

"Tom, let's talk over your problem first."

"I have no problem Chakotay.  Except I missed you and I want
you and if you don’t kiss me soon, I'm going to explode."

He didn't hesitate but pulled me into his arms, kissing me
till I could hardly breath.

"I've missed you Tom."

Just then the Captain's voice broke in.  "Mr Paris, if you
want to take an extra long break, that's fine.  We've got
the helm covered for the next hour and a half."

"Thank you Captain."  I turned to my lover.

"Do you want to show me how much you've missed me Chakotay?"

We walked to his quarters at break neck speed.  But when we
got there I felt decidedly nervous.  I wanted to ask him
something and I wasn't sure how he would take it.  As usual
he picked up straight away that something was wrong.

"What's bothering you Tom?"

"I want to ask you something but I don’t want you to be
angry with me."

"Tom, I just want you to be happy."

"Do you know what would make me happy Chakotay?  Really
happy.  If you could trust me enough to let me make love to
you."

I could see him instantly close down, withdrawing from me. 
I wrapped my arms around him.  "You've chased my demons away
Chakotay, let me chase yours away."

That was the nearest I'd got to mentioning that awful day. 
He nodded and laid face down on the bed.  Unmoving and ready
to be assaulted again.  That wasn't how I wanted it, so I
turned him over to face me. 

"I'll stop whenever you want me to."  I concentrated on
making him feel good.  Long erotic kisses, tender stroking. 
By the time my lips moved southward, he was purring like a
kitten.  But I didn’t want him to come yet, so I eased off. 
I wanted him to come, when I was in him.  I wanted him to
feel pleasure this time, not pain.

He tensed as I tried to enter one finger so I put my tongue
to good use and tried to take his mind off what I was doing. 
As I slipped my second finger in, he jerked and gave a moan. 
I took that opportunity to slip in the third.  I stopped,
letting him get used to me.

"Are you OK?"  I didn’t want to do this if he was hating
every minute, or hating me for doing it.

He caressed the side of my face.  "Chase away the demons
Tom."

I entered him with as much care, with as much tenderness as
I could.  He closed his eyes but I had seen the tears
welling up.  Just as I was going to pull out, he opened his
eyes and smiled. 

"Love me Tom."

Because our coupling was tender, both our orgasms were slow
to build up.  Slow but overwhelming when they came.  That
broke the floodgates.  I clung to him, sobbing and saying
sorry. Over and over.  He just held me, telling me
everything was alright.  Eventually I calmed down enough to
clean up and get ready to go back to shift. 

"Are you Ok, Tom?"

Typical Chakotay, always concerned for others.

"I'm more than OK, Chakotay."

"Good because I think you need to apologise to the Captain
for your behaviour on the bridge."

I nodded.

He had no need to go to the bridge but he accompanied me
anyway, even holding my hand part of the way.

As I moved over to the helm, the captain asked Chakotay if
everything was alright.

"Yes Captain but I think Mr Paris as something to say."

I stood back up and looked over at Chakotay and then at the
Captain and then back at Chakotay.  By now all the bridge
crew were looking at me.

"You have something to say Mr Paris?"

"Yes Captain.  I just wanted to say, what I wanted to say
is."  I looked at Chakotay again.

"I just wanted to say, Chakotay I love you. I love you so
much."

That was the last of the demons.  Nothing or nobody would
come between me and the man I love again.  I would make sure
of that.