jn4



------------------------------------------------------ [Green Marker] Today, I felt like eating Cookies & Creme Ice Cream (this spelling on the carton was a complete shock to me). So I'm sitting outside--on the porch swing--eating my "Cookies & Creme" Ice Cream and writing away. It might not appear quite as odd if it wasn't pouring down rain at the current moment and below 40 degrees outside. Anyways I'm sitting here, looking out (smiling of course, because I'm eating my favorite ice cream flavor, and I love rainy weather) when, suddenly, my psycho neighbor (who ALWAYS seems to walk by as the exact moment in which I happen to be doing something weird) is driving by. They've got this--this hideous poodle dog that looks like some type of "show dog" or something (sigh), and they take such pride in the little creature. Anyways, she's got this thing IN HER CAR with it's face pressed up against the cold window (idiot) and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, it's beady, dark little eyes look directly at me, and I can see it bark fiercly (the fact that I was the only thing outside in the stormy weather probably triggered such a response). The lady looks out (I can read the look on her face of clearly, and she then gives me this snotty, nose high in the air, "I'm so much better than you" motion with her face. I smiled. It seriously ... SERIOUSLY made me want to crack up! So I smile, and I WAVE at the car!!! You should have seen it! Most sarcastic guesture I've ever displayed!!! More sarcastic than when I give Mark a greeting. Heh. So the lady keeps on going. I'm sure she went home, and the topic of their nightly dinner conversation was how strange I am. How I love being weird!!! ------------------------------------------------------ Mike: The American people let it happen. JFK is a Legend! You people let Oswald take the blame and just accepted. If it weren't for JKF the whole world would be ... blown up! You have to go back and save his name. Tell America that he was a great man. Me: America knows he was a good president, but he wasn't that great of a man. You idolized him, and ... legendize him. He was President long enough to ruin his presidency. Yeah ... he did good things, but if he had died so early he probably wouldn't have so famous. But because he did die early, you make this legend out of his celebrity, and not because of his presidency, but because of conspiracy surrounding this death... (No you have to understand how worked up he was getting. I was staying calm and basically just saying things that I knew would get a rise out of him) Mike: You just don't get it. Me: No you just don't get! There are so many other presidents who have done things just as good if not better. Look at Lincoln ... and history is full of men you died in their prime...Why is nobody fighting for them? You, and your country, are obsessed with letting the Americans know that they are wrong. Trying to prove our government covered up a huge conspiracy... But you should be focused on bringing charged against the Queen for killing Diana.... Mike: No the press killed Diana Me: Just like Oswald killed Kennedy?? Your country needed closure just like ours did. They gave it to you through the press ... and everyone accepted it ... so maybe you should go conduct your own investigation inside your own country. Mike: You just don't get it ... If I was American I would want the truth and I would find it out!!! ------------------------------------------------------ I had to bribe the almost six-year old a couple of hours ago. There is a DVD in the living room, and a VHS in the computer room. He was watching a tape, I was on my computer. I wanted to watch TV at the same time instead of the movie he was watching. I casually said "Jordan, what would it take for you to watch a DVD in the living room?" He didn't answer right away, kept his eyes on the TV then said, "Money." I narrow my eyes and say, "Ohhhh k ... how much, Jordie-boy?" knowing that he loved the nickname greatly. "A penny." So I go get him a nickel out of my black backpack, thinking I was being nice. "I wanted a penny." "But a nickel is worth five pennies." "I want five pennies." The whole time he never takes his eyes from the TV. So I go get five pennies. "Here you go Jordan." "Where's my nickle?" ------------------------------------------------------ It's Saturday now. My dad's been out of town for a little while, so the rest of my family went to the Mavericks game. My sister and mom are super huge fans of basketball, but I prefer hockey. Anyways, the team is doing pretty well, so it didn't bother me quite as much. It got me out of babysitting Jordie again. I saw a few people I knew there (Which was very odd). The kid that sang the National Anthem was pretty talented, but there was a twenty-something year old, wirey haired man standing in the row behind me who insisted on singing with the kid, as the kid's somewhat off echo or something. After we all sat down, I concluded that he must sing along at each and every game just to feel the special "glow" when the crowd goes wild and applauds for the performer. eesh. Anyways, I already miss Toby incredibly. And he hasn't even left for his school yet. That's tomorrow (Monday). I guess it's just the trailing thought that he's leaving ... me. I mean--the school. Blah. I'm going to miss him so much. We'd sit outside the building and eat together and talk about how much the school sucks. We'd glance off into the polluted horizon just before returning back to the school. Together. But--no more! No more seeing Toby at school--ever. I never thought that all that talking about how much the school truly sucks would ever bring him to leave. But I guess that wasn't really his decision. I'd like to think it wasn't. God ... I am going to miss him. "GOING"? Apparently, I already do. ------------------------------------------------------ [blue marker] I met a guy tonight. I cannot sleep. He's so sweet. Just about an hour ago, I had to get off of the computer because of my mom and her shifty rules ... but I could not stop talking to him. He was the most interesting person online. He has wonderful taste in music, and he is so incredibly funny (and cute) in his responces. Even his typo's were cute. I think I'll call this wonderful person "Hsoj". Ahhh-but alas ... Hsoj is in love with someone else (oh wow ... haven't seen that one before). I know ... but I still think he's really cute. The only problem is that ... he's too cute, and too awesome ... and I know he would never like someone like me in the way that I wish. Eesh ... my life sucks. ------------------------------------------------------ [red grading pen] Mark moved. He moved to Fort Worth. He moved away and he's most likely not coming back. Ever. I wrote him a nice little letter this morning. To begin with, it almost made me cry. Pathetic. I thought I was all over that stage. Oh ... but that's not the worst part. See ... after school, he walked over RIGHT WHERE I was and started talking to Casie. I had to get up and quickly hide behind the wall so that we wouldn't made any eye contact. When I got on the bus, I looked out and our eyes met. He looked sad, and he quickly turned his head. I could not help it. I started crying. Sobbing. I ducked down in the seat so no one would see me ... or hear me. It just hurt so much. We were together for so long ... and I know he hates me so much ... and it hurts. Hurts so so much. ------------------------------------------------------ [black thick marker] I did something stupid about an hour ago. I was really upset ... really really upset. To the point of thinking about killing myself (again) because of the whole Mark situation earlier. I did a stupid thing.I talked to "Hsoj" about it. All. He made me feel just ... so much better (actually cheerful) and it helped me deal with it all, but then I realized my actions after signing off and saying goodbye to him. I ... I TALKED TO HSOJ ABOUT MY EX-BOYFRIEND!!! And worse of all ... PLURAL!!! I told him all kinds of stuff ... and I kinda wish I hadn't of gotten into all that detail with ... him. It was very emotional ... and I was really upset ... and although he helped me a great deal, I just met him. JUST met him a few days ago. Yeah, he's awesome as can be, but I think I said too much ------------------------------------------------------ It's Winter Break. Everyone I know is going to go do something exciting and wonderful, and I am stuck here with my (groan) family. What joy. I feel really sick today, and I don't know why. I haven't been really sick in a while (only litttle things like a headache or a cold at worst), but now I feel completely horrible. I almost thought I had lost this journal, so I freaked out and tried to get up to look for it. It really hurts when I get up and have to actually leave the room (which sounds kinda sad, but seriously ... it's awful). For the first day of the break, I spend the entire time laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I wanted to go over and get my cd player, but I couldn't get up. So I just layed there. Layed there and looked at it for a solid hour. When I felt like I could get up, I went for it ... and looked for the journal. Took me a little over an hour to find you. I'm so tired. I want to die. Let me die? Is that your intention??? It sure does feel like it. I need to go see a doctor. I seriously feel like I'm dying. ------------------------------------------------------ Great. Another day. It's gotten worse. It hurts to concentrate on writing. Hurts that bad. Urrrrrr ... I'm so sick of being sick (and it's only day 2). I told my mom and she said I'd go to a doctor tomorrow. I feel like I'm dying ... and I have to wait until tomorrow. I was supposed to sleep last night ... y'know to make me better ... but I found myself unable to ... and I really doubt sleeping would help. The worst part is that about ten minutes ago, I was sweating because it was so hot in my room. I was literally sweating and rolling over because I felt that it was so hot. I actually got up, crawled to the switch (as it seemed), and turned the ceiling fan to high power. Now I'm freezing, and I clutch my blankets sadly. I'm ready for this to be over. ------------------------------------------------------ Today, I'm feeling better. Not entirely better, but I can walk and smile and watch my precious television (only means of entertainment basically considering everyone has deserted me on this holiday break). Life is decent again. I still feel sick ... and I have a ringing headache, but I'm very happy to be better. ------------------------------------------------------ I feel I have unintentionally deeply offended someone whom I respect, and whose feelings I care about. I feel I may have made this person feel excluded. I may have come across as a complete pig and / or bigot. This wasn't my intent. My actions were a result of an assumption that, based on what I knew of the aforementioned person's interests, this person wouldn't be interested in participating in a particular activity. I realize that the intent matters little, and that the message, regardless of intent, matters a great deal. Rather than deciding on my own that this person would not be interested, I should have left it up to that person. The person in question really deserves a direct apology from me for this. Beyond that, I'm not sure how to make amends for the situation. I really hope I haven't made an irrevocable error here... I was hoping to become better friends with this person, and I'd hate to see the possibility of that ending. ----------------------------------------------------- I think that yesterday, that coughing woman in the bagel place (that Luis works at) gave me her cold. Regardless of who it was, I'm now sneezing every few minutes, rather loudly (I cannot help it KAILEY), and it's disturbing the fish (and the cat as well, who positions herself a few feet away each and every time I liberate a high pitched sneeze). I finally get over whatever the hell the first sickness was, and someone poisons my good mood with a COLD!!! AHGKK!! I think "ahgkk" will be my new sound effect for the day. Certainly fits my mood nicely. ----------------------------------------------------- Mild inebriation has the power to change most any situation for the better. One "Ixtapa Special" and I'm feeling all calm again, for the moment. This is rather impressive, given that I spent a large percentage of the past several hours stuck in a mini-van with seven other people, two of them under the age of three. In a psychotic frenzy of unhappiness, I ripped out the previous two pages (which contained about 5 days or so of writings), leaving only the torn remains along the binding of this journal. Now I'm calm. Eesh. To recap what happened, I had nightmares about the relationship crumbling between Mark and I in different situations than what actually happened through my eyes. These hellish dreams involved Mark either: A) Being with another girl or B) Laughing at me from a close distance. Most of the dreams involved both, however. I woke up one morning weakly crying (which has never, ever happened to me in my entire life, except for possibly when I was a small infant or child). After I found out that he was moving (the day before he actually did), I broke down and cried on the school bus. If that wasn't bad enough, when I found out that he hadn't moved (on Friday), I went into just a depressed glazed daze (which, if you don't know me, is much worse). When the break hit, he was all that I could think about basically. I've counted, and between the first day of the break and yesterday, I picked up the phone 17 times total. 17 times I tried to call Mark at his house. I did not get past picking it up, however. I've been a wreak this whole break, and it just about tore me apart. I had the same conversation with about 3 different people, and all three told me that Mark was still here ... and that he would indeed be showing his shinny face to school on Monday. It's Sunday now. It's dusk. Duskish. I dunno. It's not quite dark. I haven't touched the phone all day ... and I don't plan to. If I need to talk to Mark about all of this, then I guess it'd be best to do it in person. Nothing's more pathetic than trying to explain something as complicated and important and this in a letter, on the phone, through an e-mail, etc. In the past, I have used these methods of transporting information, but no longer am I going to. I realized that that's utterly pathetic ... and that it's best to tell the person looking them in the eyes. It's going to be hard, but I'm sure I'll be able to. Or at least try. Other than that, the pages mostly were just be complaining about how sick I felt (considering that I was, indeed, sick) and me complaining about my very strange family that visited my house for Christmas. Oh, by the way, I got a scanner for Christmas (which I had been asking for for just about 3 years now). I also got this little MP3 player (which I did not ask for, but love incredibly). When I saw them in stores, all I could do was complain about how much trouble it seemed to be ... and strangely enough, that was what my main present was for Christmas (aside from the super awesome scanner). I scanned some pictures of myself (although I do not have any really good pictures), and I scanned up my OLP "Happiness" album cover to become my desktop picture. I put a whole list of songs on my MP3 player that I like (I'll try to post the list sometime soon on my website). I guess I'm glad that I got something surprising for Christmas. With the Christmas money from my grandparents I bought: A tool sweatshirt, an Emily shirt, a rare Factory 81 visor, and a Prong cd. Five things that 2002 taught me: Sometimes the things I think I want most aren't really all they're cracked up to be. * The people I love aren't always going to be here, so I should appreciate them while they are around. * I need to strike a happy medium between biting off more than I can chew, and just not biting. * When something great and big has the potential to happen, it's often better to keep it under wraps until circumstances are more certain. * My mental / emotional state is incredibly dependent on my physical state... and this is something I can have a great deal of control over. Five things I don't want to do in 2003: * Continue to succumb to inertia and the resultant ailing creativity * Fret daily about a zillion little things that aren't worth fretting about * Let disorganized clutter overwhelm me * Dwindle my time with stupid tasks, rather than being productive * Surrender to the uninteresting, clingy, trendy youth that occupy my school