Last Updated February 25, 1999

Child Villain Brought To Justice


Paddle Town, U.S.A.-

Over two weeks after Little Jack Crudup had stopped reporting for his morning paddling, Paddle Town's Punishment Enforcement team found him hiding in a remote area of the woods.

Dr. Raheem Beltway of the Paddle Town Punishment Enforcement team said "He said he wanted to keep misbehaving, but that he didn't want to get paddled for it. We said that just wasn't possible here in Paddle Town."

- T. Swatmore , GBB (Good Behavior Bureau)

Mayor Strongburn's Daily Advice:

Kids, remember to get permission from your parents before doing anything. That way you won't end up getting paddled for it, and you won't have to go around all red-faced and crying, getting laughed at by your friends.

Also, don't forget to sign up for our new youth program, "Future Paddlers of America". You'll get professional advice from today's best paddlers and at the same time learn valuable tips to help you behave better. You are the future paddlers of America, and behavior is key!

-Sherman "PoPs" Strongburn

Paddle Camp Opens For Business

Bennown, VA-

Mr. DeD's Paddle Camp has installed the last set of paddling stations and is now open for business. Children will begin attending at the end of the school year.

No-Spank Ruling Brings Chaos


Timeout, California- California's crime wave continues unabated since paddling was banned in schools. For nearly two weeks, children have been running amok testing their newfound freedom to misbehave. Store windows are broken daily, and senior citizens are routinely shouted at and generaly disrespected. One young man said, "You ain't the boss of me!" when asked his opinion of the no-spank ruling by the general assembly.

Child Found Guilty Of Egregious Misbehavior


Paddle Town, U.S.A.-

Little Rufus Ripps was found guilty by the Circuit Paddle Court of Egregious Misbehavior. Prosecutors brought evidence that Mr. Ripps had been blocking walkways and bumping into pedestrians, then attempting to instigate a fight as a result.

Ripps was sentenced to 6 months of morning and evening paddlings. When questioned about his involvement in the Misbehavior, Mr. Ripps only said, "Maaa shoooo.. I was jes' tryin' to gits reparations fo' slavereh!!"



- Homer Burns, (CPCR) Circuit Paddle Court Reporter

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