Collected Stories

F.U.C.K. by J.D. Coltrane

Bernie is a great bartender. Jack only had to catch his eye and nod to get a fresh drink for the anthropologist with long blond curly hair. She looked up from her bar-side lecture when Bernie sat another cranberry juice and Absolut in front of her. She smiled at him as thanks and kept on lecturing to Jack and those listening around her.

"It was the 14th century, yes," she went on enthusiastically. "But you don't believe me, right?"

Jack smiled and enjoyed the twinkle in her blue eyes before nodding and saying, "Right. I don't believe you're correct on this one."

She laughed uncomfortably since it wasn't often she found such honest disbelief.

"The word 'fuck'," she tried again, "Has very specific origins. Is it the timing of the first usage that you dispute or is it the way the word fell into usage?"

"Beth," Jack began with a smile, "If you were talking about Native American artifacts dug up somewhere in the southeastern United States, I'd be taking notes on every word you say, but telling me this story about the word 'fuck' and how it came to be just doesn't strike a cord of truth for me."

"I doubted it, too, Jack," Beth told him, "But I think it's true. The word came from the plaque or written document required over the door of each married family home in England during the 14th century. The inscription was always the same: 'Fornication Under Consent of the King.' Over time it got shortened to 'F.U.C.K.', then later just simply 'fuck.'"

"Pardon me," said the man sitting down the bar from Beth and Jack. "I couldn't help but overhear. I thought the word 'fuck' came from the English police blotter word used to book people for 'unlawful carnal knowledge' or something."

"Ah HA!" Beth said too loudly, "See? See how many misconceptions there are out there?"

"No," said the older man in the tweed jacket with the pipe tucked in his breast pocket. He stepped to the bar from behind Beth and put a fatherly hand on her shoulder. "The word is most likely from Old German. The words 'ficken' or 'fucken,' both meaning 'to strike or penetrate' which became slang for 'to copulate.' It's all been covered in new research."

Jack caught Bernie's eye and motioned for a double. He needed another drink.

A woman stepped into the debate as she tugged at her short skirt. Jack figured the skirt to be at least two sizes too small. "I thought," she added helpfully, "That D.H. Lawrence invented the word for Lady Chatterley's Lover."

The group groaned collectively but no one told her she was stupid.

Jack told her in a kind voice, "You're right in one sense. That book, written in the late 1920s, was the first in a very long time to be legally published with the word fuck. I think it was finally published in the U.S. in the early 60's."

The woman smiled at Jack and moved onto the stool beside him. She leaned close and whispered a question, "Are you with the blond?"

Jack just nodded with a smile.

"Too bad," she told him.

Beth's patience had just about expired from it all. "Bernie," she called. "Another, please?"

The man down the bar wouldn't let it go either. "Is fuck most often used as a verb or a noun?"

"I don't give a fuck," Beth mumbled.

"That'd be a noun, right?" he asked.

Jack watched Beth's eyes go from twinkling to flashing. She bit her lower lip and watched Bernie mix her drink.

"'You can fuck me,' would be a verb usage," Jack told her.

"Shut up," she told him.

"Or, 'I would love to fuck you.'"

"Asshole."

"Wanna play bury the bone, Professor?" he asked.

She finally laughed. As Bernie sat her drink in front of her Jack told him they'd better close out their tab.

The guy in the tweed coat moved toward the guy at the end of the bar and asked, "You ever consider the origin of the word 'cunt'? Nasty word today, but rather common in its usage in the 15th century."

Beth turned to Jack and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Why do you let me get into these things?" she asked, smiling.

Jack held her eyes without answering. "Ready for dinner?" he asked.

She chuckled as they picked up their drinks and headed to the dining room. They both noticed the woman in the short skirt watching them as they left. The skirt was much higher on her thighs than she must have realized. Her turquoise panties didn't match her skirt at all.