-J- began to take his pants off, still touching me and fingering me. It hurt so bad, because his nails were cutting my skin. I knew that I was bleeding. -R- didn't help either, because she kept whispering in my ear that she wanted to make love to me, and that she loved me so much. It wasn't fair. Why me? I didn't want her to love me if this is what was going to happen. I didn't want anyone to love me. If this is what is meant for -J- and -R- to love me, I didn't want it at all. It hurt so much. I didn't like this feeling.
The tears in my eyes tripled as -J- tried to put his penis in me. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Why did he do this to me? Why could he do this if what he said was tru? Why did he do this if it hurt him so bad? I didn't mean to hurt him. He told me to relax, and I tried, I really did but -J- always told me that I wasn't relaxing enough. He said he could feel me tightening up, and I didn't understand how.
All I could say to him was that I am trying to relax and he kept saying that You should want this, and that in time we're going to have to find a different type of punishment, because you will soon love the feelings of us making love to you.
I got so confused about this, because they said this was my punishment, and
punnishments aren't suppose to feel good, they are suppose to hurt. -J- said that they weren't suppose to hurt sometimes. He said that when I got used to it, I would ask them to do this to me. There was no way i was every going to do this, because I knew how bad this hurt. Why would i want them to hurt me again? I knew that I would never ask for them to punish me like this, NEVER. That made no sense to me.
-J- was hurting me now. He had his penis in me some of the way. It hurt so bad. I could feel something running down me, and knew that I was bleeding again, and knew that when I went to babysitters in the morning, that it was going to hurt me to walk. I knew that -J- was going to want to touch me again, and that killed me to think of the pain of a wound that was goig to open back up again. He was hurting me more than words can explain.
-R- was saying to me that -J- didn't want me to be punished. He just didn't want me to be bad, so he had to do this. The tears in my eyes were streaming, and I was silently crying to myself. I knew that if I made a sound, -J- would hurt me more, and be more rough with me, which I already hurt, so I couldn't have that happen. Once in a while I let out a whine, and -R- would repeat her little "-J- loves you, and if you would have been bad, -J- wouldn't have to do this, and neither would I."
He was bouncing on top of me now. I didn't understand this either, but just kept crying and kept praying to God.
I didn't think that they would ever stop. I was hurting so badly, but i couldn't say or do anything to make them stop. There was no way that I was going to let -K- get hurt for distracting me, so I just kept silent, and let them do whatever they wanted, hoping that they wouldn't want to go to -K- next.
Daddy kept going, and so did mommy. I couldn't stand this. It hurt so bad, and I didn't want them to do this. "Why God?" I said to myself. "Why was I so bad? Why couldn't I be a good girl. If I wouldn't have been with -K- I would have gotten everything done on time, and they wouldn't have punished me for this. If I had only been a good girl, then they wouldn't have to do this." |
