ourstory6.page

Last Updated 2/14/2002

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I remember that story all too well. At the time when I wrote that part of the book, I didn't remember that it happened every week, as a "condition" on cleaning. I didn't know that it was no my fault, or anything that I had done. I had no idea that it would have been this way, no matter how good of a child I was.

All of the names "daddy" have been replaced with -J-. All of the names "mommy" have been replaced with by -R-. All of the names of my sister have been replaced with -K-.

    -J- and -R- were mean to both me and -K-. There wasn't anything that I could do about it either. My hands were tied. I had no choice in the matter. I had no choice, because they told me every child did this. I had no choice in what happened, because I was a little child. I didn't do anything to stop it, for I was obiediant to those of them that controlled me and -K-. If I didn't do what I was told, then -K- got to do it, or have it done to her.
     I kept silent inside, because I knew what it meant. I retreated from everyone and everything. Just walked through life like I didn't exist, and like nobody else existed either, except for my sister, -K-. She was my main concern. My life evolved around her, and making her happy as much as possible. Sometimes it didn't work, sometimes it did work. Whatever happened to me didn't matter.
     There was a part of me that didn't like protecting my sister. There was a part of me that knew I didn't protect her as much as possible. I knew I could have done better, but sometimes, I couldn't take it anymore.
     There were times when I knew -K- was going to get hurt. I knew that -R- was touching her, or that -J- was touching her. I just couldn't take it sometimes. I was in pain, because -K- had made me bled from having sex with me, and the next day, I would stay away as much as possible, because it hurt so badly. I couldn't take anymore pain. I knew inside that it meant -K- was going to get hurt, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was being selfish. I knew I could have helped her more. It makes me mad to think that sometimes I was so selfish.

    -J- is very unpredictable. He drank a lot. He stayed away from home a lot, but then again he didn't. He made us suffer whenever possible. Both -J- and -R- had strange rules. When I vacuumed the house, I had to do it really fast. When I washed dishes, it had to be done quickly. This was mainly so I didn't waste any electricity or water.
      I couldn't talk. If I was heard, then I usually got smacked across the face for it. When I cried so it could be heard, I would get yelled at, "Did you want something to cry about?" I couldn't be myself at all.
     I was like a robot. Training was the key factor. I had to move a certain way, act a certain way, and do certain things at the right time. I didn't know how to feel. When I was alone, I was made to keep quiet. If I did cry, I cried softly. Most of the time I did know what I was crying about. I had all these emotions locked up inside, and couldn't do anything about them, because I didn't understand them.
     I had no feels, or that what I was trained to have, anyway. I couldn't be myself, because I wasn't allowed to cry when I was hurting, yell when I was angry, speak unless spoken to.
     Do you know how many years it took for me to realize what I was suppose to do? That the robot worked well, if I obeyed every command and everything that was expected of me? It didn't take very long. I learned rather quickly. I learned that I didn't want to be beat, so therefore I did what they expected.
     I didn't want those beatings, but sometimes they were hard to avoid. It made me think twice whether or not I was going to move, or whether or not I wanted to move. I didn't want to have sex with my parents, -J- and -R-, but as much as I didn't want to, I didn't want -K- to have to either, so my opinions weren't very many.
     I really hated -J- and -R-. I know it's sad to say that you hate your parents, but I really did hate them. They were so very mean. I guess one of the things I hated the most was that they were neglecting. They neglected my sister and I. If they wanted to leave and go somewhere, and didn't want to take us with, it was us that paid for it in the end.

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WILL TRIGGER