thatnight

Laying on the bed, Watching me.
You're eyes undressing me, Making me feel dirty.
And wanting to sink through the mattress,
and onto the floor boards below.
You; Stepping closer, making your thoughts known.
Silent whispers, For help.
For God.For strength.For a miracle.
And needing it to go away.
Seeing you get closer.
My heart races. Watching you take your clothes off.
And knowing what it means. Things get easier then.
Watching from above me, and seeing you hurt me,
Not feeling it till later. Sometimes years later.
You come near that person on the bed, Is that me?
No, I'm up here. Watching,
So it can't be me. Taking off my pants.
Taking off my shirt. Staring at me.
Looking at me up and down. Laying beside me,
Someone I thought was my friend. Making me tell you.
Talk to you. Whispering it hurts.
Whispering to stop. Whispering not me again.
Wanting to run. Wanting to scream.
Wanting to hide. Knowing what it meant.
Knowing that if I stopped it perminately,
That my lil sister would be in harm.
Staying there, While you touch me,
And finger me, Tears coming down my face.
Being unable to cope.
Seeing you have sex with me.
Telling me that you love me.
Telling me that you wouldn't ever hurt me.
Confused, Dirty, Frightened, Scared, Guilty, Ashamed,
Torn, Used, Abused, Shattered, Ripped apart, Struggling.
Pretending that nothing happened.
Making up, Another story, For someone else,
To cover up, Why you're sad and hurting.
No enough sleep, Bad day at school.
Friend doesn't feel good.
I'm sick.
I really don't know. I'm just tired. Not telling the truth,
Protecting the true guilty. Remembering nothing.
Pushing it all away. Not believing it happened.
Making it all better. Getting on with life.
Then one day, not being able to control it.
Floods come back. It's all there.
Bits and pieces. He's doing it again. But I ran away.
Or I got out of it. Why is it back?
Flooding with feelings.
The pain, the touches, the memories,
are all back to haunt you again.

He's doing it again. And again.
And again. And again.
Over and over. It's there.

I seem, to be caught up in this dream,
Time to deal? No, please give me another year. I don't want to be in this stream.