unansweredprayers

    "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
     Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs.
     Just because he may not answer, doesn't mean he don't care.
     Some of God's greatest gifts, Are unanswered prayers. " ŠSong By Alabama Boys
My unanswered prayer:
     When I was a child, I made many prayers to God. I prayed, more than I do now. Every second, of every hour, of every day, that I remembered, I prayed.
     I prayed at school, that my sister would be okay. That nothing was happening to her.
That I would get home, and nothing would be wrong. And everyday, mostly, My father wouldn't be there. He would come home later, drunk. When I was there, so that I could help save my sister.
     I prayed at home, that nothing would happen that day. That I wouldn't have to have sex with my father. That I wouldn't be hurt. That my sister wouldn't get hurt. That I did everything okay. That I would be a good girl. I tried to do everything right. To the best of my ability.
     I prayed, that God would watch out for me. To send me someone to help me. To stop everything. To love me. To hold me. To protect me. To guide me. To love me, unconditionally. Sometimes, he answered my prayers. Some he left unanswered, or I couldn't see them answered.
     The one that I remember so vividly, is the one about sending me someone to watch out for me.

    It's kinda a long story, so bare with me.
     When I was little, I was hurt, lots, and the one thing I wanted, was a mother, to love me, not like the mother that I had, But one that wouldn't hurt me. One that wouldn't tell me I was bad. Or ugly, Or terrible, Or not good for anything One that would hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everything was okay. One that would be there for me, and for whom I could be for her.
     When I was prolly seven years old, someone was there. I could see someone, that nobody else could. At first, I thought it was my imagination, but I didn't fight it, because she was so sweet. I called her "Mommy."
     She called me "Angel."
     I could see her. But then again I couldn't see her. It's truely hard to explain. I couldn't see details. Like what her face looked like. I couldn't see in her eyes.I just knew who it was.
I knew when she came to me, that it was her. And that I was safe. There was something about her. I can't explain it. She came when I was crying. When I was alone, when I wanted held. She came to me. She held me. She talked to me, whispered in my ear, that it was okay, that everything would be fine. This is making me cry just explaining this.
     It was so nice, to have her there. With me. When I needed someone to comfort me. I always asked her, "Why can't I see you?" "Why can't I hear your voice?" "Why can't I see your eyes, face, details?" Her answer was always the same... Whispering as to not hear her true voice, she said, "It's not time yet Angel." I never understood that.
     I never understood why. But I knew that she wouldn't lie to me. Since I have grown up, I have never forgotten about mommy. I will never forget about that angel, that God sent me.
Even if it was only my imagination, creating her in my eyes only, I still thank God for her.             Someday, I might meet my mommy, that was with me, when I needed her, when I was younger, and maybe I won't. But she was a life safer then, and til this day, she still is.
I still see her sometimes. Lots of times, it's when I'm having a bad day. Only probably enough to count on two hands, but she's still been there.
     So maybe I'm crazy, but I'd rather be crazy, than alone in this scary world. And I'll always know, that my mommy will be there with me. Even if I can't see her, I know she can see me, and I know she can see my pain. You can honestly believe my story is true, or you can say that it's someone else's story of hope.
     But whatever you think, Isn't the thought of having someone like that The most wonderful though, in the whole world?

     To: my "Angel."*luks u*
     I do believe that you are reading this. Somewhere, you're seeing what I want to tell you.
Somewhere, you can see my tears, streaming down my face. Whether you are reading over my shoulder, or whether you are reading through some other computer screen.
I have always wanted to tell you, from the bottom of my heart:

                                                    Thank You.

     I love you more than you will ever know. God bless you, as you have blessed me.

Angel Destiny *whispers* your angel
*goes back to hiding, in your pocket*