I've been chasing my mind.

I've been lazy and craving anonymity lately. I've been chasing my mind...grasping at lines of thoughts, reasoning my feelings. However, I came home from work today and received an e-mail from a really awesome & talented guy. It was one of those e-mails I love to get. The reality of someone reading my words is thrown in my face, and the power of someone relating to my thoughts and feelings is so overwhelming. Anyways, I just wanted to link him cause he is awesome and his page kicks fuckin ass.

Its eleven o'clock tonight. It's funny when people say to me, hey what if you have two personalities or something like that. I laugh to myself- I'm a gemini I tell them. That should say it all, but they just look at me with a cocked head, and leave the subject alone. Yes, I have many personalities. I don't have different identities with different names- I don't play with dolls and call myself Margaret in one turn, and in another, curse my mouth off and sleep with every guy I see. But yes, I do have many personalities. I just thought I'd share this because I came to that realization long ago. I can be wild, I can be hyper, I can be immature, fucked in the head, serious, funny, sad, depressed, expressive, creative...I can be anything, I just keep switching my masks. Sometimes I wonder if there is a "true" self I have yet to discover. That with all these masks, I don't actually have a real face.

And with having said that, I move to another point that has been mulling around my mind lately. I am lonely. But this is what I don't understand...I've had 4 opportunities over the summer, where men have approached me, exchanged numbers and talked over the phone. All of them wanted to get together again, so on and so forth. But everytime, I found some excuse to ditch out. Why? If I am lonely, then why am I avoiding contact with them? My only explanation after questiong myself for so long, is that I am afraid to get hurt again. I am afraid to put my whole self in a relationship only to have it rip me apart. So am I over, what took me so long to repair? I sound like a broken record who cannot stop bitching. Someone asked me Oh god, are you one of those people that believes there is some man out there just for you? And I said yes. I fully believe that I will meet someone and know that instant that they are my second half. Romantic at heart? Perhaps...let's just say the words You Complete Me are the words I know I will say one day.