(Since writing this, I have learned a lot about Indonesian culture and one important lesson has been in "saving face." Many Asian countries are concerned with saving face, though each culture has a different way of handling it. In Indonesia, saving face involves not expressing emotions, displaying a kind of inertia when "confronted", avoiding confrontation in general, and using mediators to help sort out problems rather than one-on-one. In retrospect, it seems Arie displayed many of these characteristics when I "confronted" him. But did I save face with him? Despite the fact that I have had to deal with all this in my own way, according to my own cultural standards, being honest, allowing my feelings to show--I also feel that I have "saved face" in the eyes of Indonesian culture, because I stayed (or was kind of forced to by circumstances beyond my control) and faced it all, and faced him, and made peace with him, and didn't cause a scene and didn't act threateningly.
Of course I compare myself to the other two girls...Natalie insisted that Arie give her back the gifts she had brought him from France, as well as some money she had lent him (about $5), and I'm pretty sure she left here feeling very angry and hurt. Also, she and Rebecca were at Selekta together, constantly hashing and rehashing all these things about Arie and I'm so glad I didn't move over there and get all caught up in what they were saying and thinking and feeling. I stayed at Ella's. I have friends at Ella's, and my friends also happen to be his friends. So I think Natalie "lost face" in a way. And Rebecca, by taking Arie back, and making up to him almost immediately after all the devastation, I think maybe she lost face a little too. I hadn't considered the whole saving face thing while I was going about getting through all this, but after reading about it and returning to Japan, it seems maybe I managed to do so in some small way.)
New Year's Eve--another weird night. I went out with Agus and Arie and Jono and a couple of other guys--all as friends. Talking, talking, talking, as always with Agus, and of course we talk about Arie, and by the end of the night I was upset again (because Arie was off meeting new girls right in front of me) and Agus was upset again because I was upset over Arie. (Excuse the soap opera nature of this journal. What can I say, this is my life!)
Today, New Year's Day, I went to the pool and spent my day relaxing there. It's the first day of the Ramadan Fast so everyone fasts during the day, sunrise to sunset--no food, no drink, no alcohol, tobacco, or sex. Then at six p.m. everyone can pretty much do whatever they want. Tali and I went out to the supermarket around 5:45 and right at six an alarm of some sort was sounded in the mall and throughout the streets announcing to everyone that today's fast was over and everyone could eat. I had fasted, too, along with all my friends here so Tali and I stood in the checkout line dying to pay for our two apple juices which we drank greedily in front of the store. Some people couldn't make it and stood in line drinking colas and water.
Tali and I then went out for dinner, holding hands as we always do now, and came back to Ella's until about 8 p.m. when she had to go home. Arie and I went out to Borobudur Bar (as friends...so weird, right?) to see some live music and he said he and Agus had talked again today and things were okay again (as okay as they can be until I leave and Agus can feel comfortable again). God. What a "bizarre love triangle."
Tali's taking me out to her village tomorrow near Mt. Merapi (the active volcano I wrote about previously). Her mother asked her to invite me and she's been wanting me to go, so we're meeting here at 12 tomorrow (so I don't get to see Arie's village, but thankfully will be able to experience Tali's!). The good thing is that Arie and I were able to go out and be friends and shake hands and say goodnight and I've been able to form good friendships with his friends and the people who "work" and live around here.
"Work" is a very relative term in Indonesia. For most young guys--since education (college) is virtually impossible for most since they don't have money and there's no government aid (a lot of wasted minds and talent)--tourists are their only source of income and income comes as $2 here and $3 there. Most days are spent waking up, eating, smoking, greeting friends, smoking, lying around on sofas, watching TV, smoking, eating, bullshitting, smoking, talking to tourists, trying to make a buck by taking people around or snagging them into buying something at a batik gallery (so they can get commission), then eating again, walking around, talking some more (everybody knows everyone), smoking, playing guitar, looking for girls...Western ones, since most Indonesian girls in Java are Muslim and can't be seen gallivanting with guys late at night. Tali, despite the fact her parents are open-minded, has to be home by 8 or 9 at night. And the intrigue of Western girls, of course, is stronger. Then there's the whole "good Muslim/bad Muslim" thing. Although most of my friends are "bad Muslims"--never go to mosque, etc.--most of them are observing Ramadan and are fasting to some extent, and they take their religion somewhat seriously, though they aren't particularly strict about it.
My last night in Yogya. Spent the a.m. by the pool and met Tali at Ella's around 1 p.m. She took me on her motorbike out to her village near Mt. Merapi. I met her mother and sister and niece and grandmother and great-grandmother and father and brother. We walked holding hands through the rice farms and fields of bananas and durian and snake fruit, waded in the river--felt good and cool and a relief from another day of fasting in the heat. Tali said if you're really fasting, you shouldn't talk about how hungry or thirsty you are. The custom derives from Mohammed's fasting and using the time of the fast as a time, especially for rich people, to understand and empathize with the hunger pangs of the poor. We rode the motorbike to a lookout point for Merapi, which always seems to be shrouded in clouds, but for a brief moment the clouds parted and the peak came into full view. The last time it erupted was two years ago, destroyed several villages and killed a lot of people. The river from where we stood was still black and dry.
We went back to Tali's house and took some more pictures and I think her family was disappointed we didn't stay for dinner. Her mother and sister kissed me on both cheeks and hugged me goodbye. Again another beautiful experience here because of Tali. I have the feeling I'll be back to see her, despite everything that's happened. If it hadn't happened this way, I wouldn't have gained her friendship the way I have.
We came back to Yogya, amidst hoots and hollers from men hanging out by the orad and riding alongside us on motorbikes. "They don't do that to Muslim girls, do they?" I asked. "No," she answered, "just for you." Had dinner at a cafe nearby and then came back to Ella, sitting out front listening to music and bullshitting with Jono. Arie came by and we all had a good time laughing and joking and Arie and I got into a huge waterfight. Tali left at 9 and I went off to Borobudur Bar by myself to hear live music. I knew I'd run into people there, which I did, so I had a good time hanging out with all the local guys--very wise to the whole scene and finally somewhat emotionally detached. Walked home with Agus and Yossie tonight and everything seemed to be okay between us. (The moon had finally come out and there were stars everywhere. Some nights before Agus had asked, "Which do you like better, Kennerly, the moon or the stars?" I had thought for a moment and said decidedly, "The moon." "You're lucky, the moon is always glowing. As for me, I like the stars, but sometimes they're flickering on and off..." "And sometimes falling?" I laughed. "Yeah," he said.) "Your stars are out Agus," I said that last night. "Yeah, and the moon's getting bigger every day." Silence.
I've got the whole day at the pool again and still enough cash to pay for my room (works out to about $2/night!). I haven't even spent $100 since I arrived in Yogya 9 days ago. All in all this trip wasn't a huge investment financially. My plane ticket was free, and the cost of 2-1/2 weeks here is less than I'd be spending in Japan. The emotional investment may have cost a little more, but I'm not totally "broke". Of course I'm disappointed, and still feel attracted to Arie (though I know I could never be with someone I can't trust and am trying to accept that message in this situation), but feel really good about the way things've turned out. Despite all his lies and "bullshit" ("Bullshit" is a commonly used English expression around here and it pretty much sums up their relationship to each other, as well as to tourists)--anyway, I think maybe Arie respects me and the way I've handled this (I didn't bring a lot of shame down on him and I didn't take him back and I didn't draw the whole thing out...But I did give him back the necklace. He looked surprised and asked, "Why this?"
"It means nothing now." Oh, the drama!)
Tali and I broke our fast today ("half-day fasting") so we could go out for lunch. I spent the morning poolside, as usual, and Arie stopped in at Chaterina (the restaurant we always hang out in) to see us. Then he was off to see his "friend" (always meaning another girl) and I went back to the pool. Saw Agus briefly and he said he'd be around later to say goodbye, though when I went to look for him he had gone off somewhere, telling Pujo to say goodbye to me for him. Arie came by at 4:30 to see me and wait around for my taxi. He kissed me goodbye in my room and I gave him a letter with the words to "Wish You Were Here" (he's learned to play it on guitar since I sent him a tape of it last spring but he doesn't know the words)....in that way, maybe he won't forget. Jono, Tali, Arie, and I hung out "bullshitting" in front of Ella until it was time for me to go. Dejavu. Last year was the same. I'm looking forward to my last two days in Bali--seeing friends there and sitting by the pool and contemplating life. Oh, the stories I have to tell my friends in Japan!
Tali's family really wants me to come back and live with them. A Scottish guy lived there with them for two years and a year later his friend came and stayed six months. Tali's sister and older brother speak English though her parents don't speak any, but as always, with smiles and embraces, communication is possible. I guess things are pretty much back to the way they were before. I'll just wait and see which way the wind blows me next year.
I got back to Bali at 10 p.m. on January 3rd and took myself out dancing all night. Ran into my friend Arman and a couple of other familiar faces on the daance floor. It was good to go out and sweat and dance and get it all out. Spent the a.m. by the pool and the afternoon lying around listening to music and thinking WAY too hard. I had been planning to go out again to hear some live music and get out of my head but I ended up staying at Suri Wathi and initiating a mini-party with the staff. Debel brought out his CD player and I made him turn on the Christmas lights and then I "glittered" everyone (I had brought along this body/hair glitter gel which was also a big hit on New Year's Eve in Yogya). Everybody was too embarrassed to dance on the patio (except for me and goofy Ketut) so he and I boogied and everyone else sat around.
So many thoughts about Arie and this whole situation. I've come to understand a lot more I think, mostly from talking to Agus, and especially to Tali. "Easy come, easy go, " is another common English expression in Yogya applying to money, and people. Tali told me she'd had a lot of "boyfriends" (though her first kiss came this year; she's 21)--travellers that came through Ella, and some she kept in touch with, some she didn't, some she really liked...and hoped they'd come back. Some came back, some never did, sometimes people (men and women) promise to take someone from Indonesia (that they're enamored with) to see their country, expose them to a different world--but more often than not it doesn't happen.
(I've also been realizing that although I don't assert myself as "Christian", I do come from a mindset that values honesty, and fidelity, and all those things which influence the way I think and believe--my cultural expectations. Which is not to say Indonesians are "sinners" or wrong (and certainly there are Indonesian people who would never behave the way Arie did, based on their own morals/ethics, or that of their religion)--but the rules are somehow different there. Lying is sometimes a good thing, if it protects people, or spares other peoples' feelings...though of course it all can blow up in your face, as it did with me. There are also some positive aspects to Islam, despite the fact that all we usually hear about from the media is negative. The true Islam and teachings of Mohammed has similarities to Christianity, as Islam in fact grew out of Christianity (Jesus is recognized as a prophet), but many of the original teachings have been perverted to such an extent--fundamentalism, treatment and attitudes towards women--that the original religious principles are hard to find. It's that way for most religions, I think. The Catholic church disregards the fact that women formed the base of Jesus' followers and were in fact the original preachers of the Gospel. And then there's culture, which makes religion different no matter what. Indonesia is not plagued by fundamentalism, as so many Middle Eastern countries are experiencing, and it enjoys a diversity of religions, including Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Christianity. During Ramadan, Christian friends and neighbors greet Islamic friends and neighbors and offer Ramadan peace and blessings. Muslims greet and respect Christians during Christmastime. At the end of January, after the fast is over, it is customary for friends to greet one another and ask for peace and forgiveness for any wrongdoings or misunderstandings that have come up during the year.)
So...many of my initial impressions (last year) were off (what else is new?)--the "romantic" (referring to every aspect of life in Indonesia) bubble has burst, but I still sense that Indonesian people are proud to be Indonesian and happy to share their culture with people...I'm still attracted to the simplicity of many aspects of life there (though my few weeks' experience hardly seem simple!)
Yet Tali, like Arie (sort of?), wants to get out of there and see the world, and foreign friends motivate her to do that. Lucky for her, her brother is giving her the money to go to Switzerland, but Tali's family are all educated, her father works for the government, and though not wealthy, they are, I suspect, part of the very narrow "middle class" that exists in Indonesia. They have choices. I don't think people like Arie are necessarily malicious, but merely, he is a product of his surroundings and his culture. One thing I can be pretty sure of is no one will ever marry me for my money (since I don't have any), but I had, of course, fantasized about bringing Arie to see the U.S., New York City at Christmastime, watching the ball drop, life in Quantico--imagining just how blown away he'd be by it all, and seeing his country from an airplane, observing how we interact, between family and friends, our stores, our schools...And how even more blown away the Eastern Shore of Maryland would be when they took one look at him! But anyway, I think I'll be thinking about this for a long time--it's a huge life lesson (I don't know which lesson it is, because matters of the heart aren't necessarily "teachable"). I have been exposed to another layer of this culture, being able to see the bad behind the good, and despite all I've experienced I feel like my connection to this place and these people is stronger than before. If nothing else, I know...In Tali, I've found a friend for life.
Back in Japan, back to school, work, life--a blessing and a nuisance. I try to listen to happy music and free my mind, go to the gym and sweat it all out, accept that this was not meant to be...but the January drizzle and a lingering sense of melancholy hangs in my air. I've been avoiding phone calls and correspondence because I just haven't felt like talking about it. I'm alright, you know, I'll survive, but the truth is I'm still really sad and sorry I couldn't have suspended and held onto the happy memories of last year with Arie--rather than feeling and remembering all the painful ones of this year.
But every day I listen to that Indonesian song that came to mean so much more, its meaning so much more significant in my life, than I could have imagined when I first heard it...