Quick links to the mountains of jokes this page seems to be accumulating!!

1. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
2. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.
3. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet".
4. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.
5. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!".
6. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago!, Let's go find that Mars observer!".
7. He's wearing a Domino's pizza uniform.
8. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
9. As you get on the plaine you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.
10. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy".

taken from Top Ten List from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

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• When there's only one other person, tape them on the shoulder, then act like it wasn't you.
• Pretend the floor button gives you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Call a bondage 900 line from the cell phone.
• Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend, after a while let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?
• Bring a rug and take a nap in the corner.
• Bounce a superball around the elevator.
• Light a cigarette.
• Drop a pen and when someone reaches to help pick it up, scream "THAT'S MINE!!!"
• Stand in the corner, reading a telephone book, laughing uproariously.
• Bring a camera and take a picture of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask from behind your desk "Do you have an appointment?"
• When the doors close, break out the duct tape and work furiously to tape the doors together. Ask for help too.
• Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
• Bring a hammer and nails and hang pictures of yourself on the walls. Ask, "Isn't that a good picture of me?"
• Leave your 12 foot long python alone in the elevator.
• Litter.
• Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
• Act like a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Hit your floor button with your tongue.

forwarded to me from my buddy Pantherskiss

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After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning ofthe sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

forwarded to me from my buddy Pantherskiss

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Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

forwarded to me from my buddy Boody_boody

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• How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
• Both of them.

• Why did the man cross the road?
• He heard the chicken was a slut.

• Why don't women blink during foreplay?
• They don't have time.

• What happens when a man opens his zipper?
• His brains fall out

• Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
• So men can understand them

• What does PMS stand for?
• Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

  If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

• Why don't women have men's brains?
• Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

• Why do women fake orgasm?
• Because men fake foreplay!

• Why are men like kitchen tiles?
• If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life!

• Why are men like parking spaces?
• All the good ones are taken, and all that's left are the handicapped one's.

• What's that ugly lump of flesh called on the end of a penis?
• A man.

• How is a man unlike a government bond?
• Government bonds will someday mature

• What is the perfect man?
• A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off!

• Why do men float better than women?
• 'Cause men are scum!

• Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
• So they can get some air to their brains.

• Why do men like masturbation?
• It's sex with someone they love.

forwarded to me from my buddy Boody_boody

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The Captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel."

"Enough!" says the Commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the Commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain". Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"

The Captain says, "Well, let me see". He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."

The Commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then". So the next day at two o'clock, the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.

A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir", says the Captain, "But wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11. Start a sing-a-long.
12. Act schizophrenically.
13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy.
14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16. Write 'nerdy' grafitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19. Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
20. Fake an orgasm.
21. At night, switch off the lights.
22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23. Collect a door charge.
24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28. Put plastic wrap over the toilet bowl.
29. Offer refreshments.
30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
32. Charge admission.
33. Electrify metal urinals.
34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35. One word: GOLDFISH.
36. Make a jelly in the bowl.
37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38. Remove stall doors.
39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
50. SHIT.

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom ? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what to do".

So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the bedroom door behind her. While she's standing across the room, her husband takes off his shirt.

"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"

Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door. Her husband takes off his pants.

"Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a legs!"

Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have hairy legs. Now go. Go to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. As her husband takes off his socks, she notices that half of his left foot has been cut off, Mafia style.

"Oh my goodness!" she again screams as she runs down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a got a foot-and-a-half!"

Her mother says, "A foot and a half? Honey, you stay here, I'm going upstairs!!!!!!!"

forwarded to me from my buddy U2Wise

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• She spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate.
• She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
• She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
• She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
• She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
• When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.
• She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or Grape?"
• She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
• She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• She tried to drown a fish.
• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
• If you gave her a penny for her intelligence, you'd get change.
• They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
• She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
• That under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".
• She thinks socialism means partying.
• She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" she put "Sagittarius."
• She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
• It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• She stands up on an empty bus.
• She studied for a blood test and failed.
• She died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1".
• She thought hamburger helper came with another person.
• She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
• She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
• She invented a solar powered flashlight.
• She sold the car for gas money.
• When she saw the "NC-17" (Under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
• When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
• She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese".
• When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
• When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", she turned around and went home.
• She peels M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies.
• She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

forwarded to me from my buddy Pantherskiss

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1. You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test.
2. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1997.
3. The only activity on your calendar? Tuesday/8:00am --Discuss Melrose Place with your colleagues.
4. You discover that staring at your wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
5. You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island.
6. You decide to see how many Mountain Dew's you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
7. Wake up, fix Tipper her breakfast, kiss her goodbye, then back to bed.
8. No longer content with merely photo-copying your ass, you now scan it and enhance it with Photoshop.
9. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves.
10. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.

forwarded to me from my buddy Pantherskiss

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Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good huh?

Select a large mixing bow, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again to make sure it's just right and not losing out to evaporation. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a large, drinking glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an alectric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffly bowl. Add 1 tsp. thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the whickey is of the finest quality, cry another tup. Open second quart is necessary. Add 2 argel eggs, 2 c. fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in  beaters just pry it loose with a drewdriver. Sample the whitkey agian, checking for consicicticity, then sift 3 c. of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whickey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemeon juce. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bobblespoon brown thrgar, or whaever color you can find and mix well.

Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350. now pur the hole mess in coven and ak for 1 tmr by our. Check the wickey agin and gotobed.

forwarded to me from my buddy Pantherskiss

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• What's green and eats porridge?
• Moldy Locks!

• What quivers at the bottom of the ocean?
• A nervous wreck

  
  

• Early to bed and early to rise and you will make your neighhbours suspicious!!

  
  

• People in glasses houses.... should shower at their neighbours!