Compiled, from a collection of e-mails, by Thomas, includes the complete Essex girl/boy joke listingLOADSA JOKES
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER
MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON
Reasons why a dog is better than a woman.....
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticise.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your
wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine article guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Hillsborough Fire Department want's you.
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
Sign posted in a bathroom:
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself..
In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food..please aim properly.
Here's one seen above a urinal: look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads: Look Right
You look right and it reads: Look Left...
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here? Are you ashamed of it?
Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.
THE ULTIMATE ESSEX GIRL JOKE LIST
Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and
smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
Q. Whats the difference between an Essex man and an Essex girl?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count
Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?
A. What team do you guys play for
Q. What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl?
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that fucked him!
Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus Shelters.
Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
A. She shuts the Cortina's door.
Q. How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch into her ear.
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. Why does an Essex girl wear knickers?
A. To keep her ankles warm.
Q. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when fucked.
Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping.
Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's has an orgasm?
A. She drops her bag of chips.
Q. What does an Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.
Q. What do an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common?
A. They both get fucked by eight men while on holiday.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around
whining for a week.
Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"
Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150?
A. Basildon
Q. What's the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters
A: They both have saws in their box
Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday
Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.
Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning?
1: Says "Thanks guys... "
2: Introduces herself.
3: Goes home.
Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.
Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time,
which one would hit the ground first?
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.
Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls ?
A. Both go down in Tenerife.
Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say?
A. NEXT!
Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A. Red means stop.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.
Q. Why don't you let Essex girls take coffee breaks.
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Q. How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Don't tell her to swallow.
Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury an Essex girl.
Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....
Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
Q. Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels?
A. More head room.
Q. Why don't Essex girls like pickles?
A. They can't get their head in the jar.
Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!
Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!
Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?
Q. What does an essex girl do with her cunt when she's had sex?
A. She takes him for a pint!
Q. What's the difference between Robert Maxwell and an Essex girl?
A. An Essex girl won't slip off your boat
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!
Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!
Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.
Q. How do you kill an Essex girl?
A. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q. Why do Essex girls work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A. (With a rocking of the head from > side to side) I dunno!
Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"
Q. How do Essex girl braincells die?
A. Alone.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick?
A. Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A. Tits Go In Front.
Q. What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
Q. What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common?
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down
On you.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A. A toilet won't follow you around when you've dumped in it.
Q. Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where you wash vegetables!
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head?
A. All you can eat, under a quid.
Q. How does an Essex girl part her hair?
A. (Action of scissoring legs apart).
Q. How do you get an Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.
Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
Q. What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you see when you peer into an Essex girl's eyes?
A. The back of her head.
Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart Essex girl are
walking down the street when they spot a £10 note. Who picks it up?
Q. How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.
Q. How do you confuse an Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when they're fucked.
Q. Why did the deaf Essex girl sit on a newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl lesbian?
A. A waste.
Q. Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A. It kept falling out.
Q. But why do Surrey girls take the pill ?
A. Wishful Thinking.
Q. Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts?
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.
Q. Why do Essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A. Who cares?
Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
Q. How are a bowling ball and an Essex girl alike?
A1: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the
gutter and they'll always come back.
A2: They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A3: You can only get 3 fingers in a boling ball.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear their hair up?
A. To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off a cliff.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine?
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"
Q. How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9?
A. 69 interrupted by a period.
Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q. How do you brainwash an Essex girl?
A. Giver her a douche and shake her upside-down.
Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?
A. The Essex girl!
Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.
Q. Why did the Essex girl drown in the pool?
A. Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl?
A. Bucket seats.
Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.
Q. Why do Essex girls put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover up the valve stem.
Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around and come home?
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
Q. How do you get an Essex girl pregnant?
A. Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q. What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag)?
A. "Debbie... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside an Essex girl's head?
A. A Space Invader.
Q. What is an Essex girl's favorite rock group?
A. Air Supply
Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel?
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.
Q. Why did God give men penises ?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative ?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig ?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women ?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a
25 year old doesn't ?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do men die before their wives ?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Whats the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd ?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q. Why are women like screen doors ?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
Q. What's a wife ?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
A. The penis.
Q. Why do women have tits ?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. How do you make love to a fat chick ?
A. Have a wank in your hand then throw it at her.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What do you call a Playboy centre-fold who's a lesbian ?
A. Bitch.
Q. How can a woman tell she's flat chested ?
A. She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Q. What are the three reasons why anal sex is better the vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat ?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q. Why do women have periods ?
A. They deserve them.
Q. Why did God make man first ?
A. He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Q. What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Barrs' husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.
Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig ?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done
wrong ?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. Why was the woman crossing the road ?
A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. What do you call a 300 pound woman ?
A. Fat.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped ?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either.
Q. Why can't you trust woman ?
A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A. Ten minutes silence.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A. A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy (in no particular order)
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor you friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hairdresser's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the T.V. channels, you don't have to stop at every shot of
someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful crap around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates
you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in "Terms of Endearment"
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking
"he must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave
you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot was never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's >just too scary.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work...more pay.
70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15
tries (at least in theory).
75. You don't mooch off other' deserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends
you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If any guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong
buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw
it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. (Except R.T.)
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions.ButNever will.
1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking icecream and chocolate you
eat that makes you look fat
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle
5. Of course you have to swallow
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time
7. I hate your fucking friends
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after
tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno
10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to fuck it.
Eleven Things You Never Hear a Woman Say.
1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim
2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in
3. A fake one will do
4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob
5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it
6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body
7. My mother is a real old bitch
8. No, No, you buy me too much already
9. Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy; you know I love it
10.What headache
11. Put your money away, let me buy the round
There is an opinion going around which is shared by quite a few people. It was thought up in the pub one night, and is I feel, quite accurate.
It is regarding President Clinton and this "Zippergate" scandal with the lovely Monica Lewinsky.
President Clinton lied to the American people. Plain and simple. Does anyone give a shit.....no, of course they don't because a) he is an American and they are all stupid, and b) he is a politician. What concerns us are the circumstances surrounding this deceit.
Billy Boy has finally admitted to oral sex with Monica, and she has the dreaded Blue Dress to prove it. This dress has stains from Clinton's cum on it.
This says one of two things:
1) During oral sex Clinton missed Monica's mouth and got the dress. This in itself is worrying as the most powerful man in the world cannot receive a blow job properly. Therefore he is stupid and doesn't deserve to be the most powerful man in the world.
2) He couldn't get Lewinsky to swallow. The most powerful man in the world couldn't get his bit of stuff (who is brute ugly anyway) to swallow. Therefore he doesn't deserve anything at all.
I concur with your views, and please don't forget the fact that she pleasured herself with a Cuban cigar. Another two points can be raised here as well:
1) What a waste of a damn good cigar, and
2) Surely Clinton would have felt inferior after the cigar had been up Monica, indeed, could he even touch the sides?