Mike has a little problem with staffing our team especially since some of us are leaving after having been on the project for three months. I have decided to stay for at least three months more until mid-September. The following is a letter to help him market our project to the unsuspecting consultants.
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I was quite tired of the gasping disbelief and the sympathetic looks displayed on the faces of my colleagues in New York when I told them that I had been staffed on the project in Saudi Arabia. Ignorance and misconception about the Middle East are not to blame, as it has come to my attention that a great deal of misinformation has been spreading around about our wonderful big project and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. To quote a message circulating on the ECPPC mailing list recently, the author of which shall remain unnamed:
"The whole team will be living in a Western-style compound with all the amenities (9 swimming pools, gym, squash, 4 tennis courts, restaurants, etc.). Every two people will be sharing a large villa."
This is positively, definitely, affirmatively, absolutely not true! Our compound has only FIVE pools and one restaurant. To dispel the myths surrounding our wonderful big project, to give you a more accurate picture of our living and working conditions, and to help you join the team, I have compile the following.
First, we must dispel some myths about the country of Saudi Arabia itself. And myths I have heard a few.
Myth: You must sign a death letter upon arrival.
Truth according to me: You sign the death letter when applying for the visa. It’s on the back of the visa application form:
"I, the undersigned, … am aware that the laws and regulations of the Saudi Arabia prohibits the importation of alcoholic beverages, narcotics, pornographic publications in degradation of public morale and all kin[d]s of political and/or religious publications whether for personal use or otherwise.
"I hereby acknowledge and accept that the laws and regulations shall be applied to me in case of my breach thereof and I shall be subject to those penalties imposed. I am aware that the penalty of execution is prescribed for the smuggling, dealing and/or promoting of any kind or form of narcotics. [their boldface]"
You can get away with not signing the letter if you photocopy the form and only use the front side. A photocopy form was what the Amex office gave me the first time I applied for my visa, and it seemed to have worked fine, except that I got a single entry rather than the multiple entry visa I had asked for. Yeah, as if not signing the letter makes any difference.
Myth: You get your left hand chopped off for every conceivable offenses from chewing gum to spray painting cars.
My version of the truth: C’mon, you must have a choice which hand gets chopped off. Chewing gum is not a crime anywhere in the world including Singapore. For spray painting cars in Singapore you only get flogged. In Saudi Arabia, some lashes and a couple of days in detention are metered out to only serious crimes such as running a red light or speeding. By the way, Michael, our job manager, had warned us not to spread rumors about the left hand, lest no one would come to replace those of us who don’t plan to stay longer than three months.
Myth: A David Letterman style top ten list can be compiled for reasons why you should be glad to have your left hand chopped off.
My truth: I could come up with only four lame ones:
4. If you can’t be handcuffed, you can’t be arrested.
3. If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
2. You are not a lefty.
1. You won’t be confused about which hand to use for eating.
Secondly, the tangible and intangible benefits of joining the team have not been adequately explained to you in a matter-of-fact way.
Myth: There are no monetary incentives.
My t’h: Technically, this is the case only for staff from the U.S. Thank IRS. The Germans do not pay taxes on income they receive here. This is why there are too many Germans on the team. Before they were weaned off the per diem policy, they regularly ganged up on the U.S. consultants when a restaurant bill was presented. When they were outnumbered, they pretended to have forgotten their wallet. How convenient.
Myth: There are no monetary incentives for the U.S. staff.
My t’h: Have you ever had one vacation every three weeks to any destination in the world your heart desired? This is how the three-week rotation works. Every three weeks we get five days off. But instead of going back to the U.S., why not go to the numerous exotic vacation destinations not far from Saudi Arabia? Now truth be told, I must admit that Saudi Arabia is a fairly boring place and Mecca and Medina are off limits to non-Muslims. On the other hand, Egypt, India, Turkey, Cyprus, Greece, Morocco are just a few interesting places some team members have already visited, all without using up any vacation days or paying airfare.
Myth: Unless you avoid the project like plague, once you say you might be interested in the project, the OIC takes it too seriously.
My t’h: There are ways to weasel out. I received a call from Karsten one day. He asked me to deliver a message to his job manager on the transformation team. The message was that he could not come to Riyadh as planned because he had broken both of his arms. Not just one, but both. What do you know? He didn’t have to come. At least not right away. (Where is he now? VIP 16.) So far, no one has tried to visit Israel for his break.
Thirdly, let’s talk about the living and working conditions and the team dynamics.
Myth: Cordoba Compound, where the team is staying, has nine pools.
My t’h: The compound has only five pools, not counting the kiddy pools and whirlpools and pool tables.
Myth: The Firm’s teams are just a bunch of boring guys.
My t’h: No, the transformation team has one female secretary. This should not dissuade any of you from joining the IT team, though. The IT team is a much cooler bunch of people. Our villa is run like a frat house with all the camaraderie but none of the beer, the women, and the pig sty unfortunately.
Myth: There are no opportunities for the single guys to date.
My t’h: To date Saudi women is indeed a daunting challenge, risking arrest and death by stoning. However, the average age of the women in our very Western compound, – and there are quite a lot of women in the compound, mind you – is around 25. Furthermore, at least half of them are single. A member of our team is going after one French girl of 22. For privacy reasons, I shall not name names. Of course, after you join our team, you will be privy to such gossips.
Myth: You are dumped into Saudi Arabia without proper cross-cultural training.
My t’h: Please refer to day three of your NHO manual. Our local cultural adjustment and integration program is summarized in the following diagram (without RPU support).
Myth: English is the working language of our team.
My t’h: German is. To all English speaking people of the world, we plead for your help. There are just too many Germans on the team. After suffering through the Arabic exchanges in meetings at the client during the day, the Germans subject us to frequent German exchanges the rest of the day. With all due respect, initially I thought that they were just speaking bad English. The other day I heard someone say, "Wo ist mein bier?" I thought it was a drunken English speaking American. It turned out to be a sober German asking for a fake beer.
Myth: The Saudis are hard to work with.
My t’h: No, the Saudis are not hard to work with. They are very easy to work with if you could just stop asking them to work. One member of our team, along with his wife, has been invited to dinner, in a restaurant, with a Saudi. Another member of our team has been invited to a wedding, although he could not attend due to a vacation break to Cyprus.
Myth: We are very busy and we work very hard.
My t’h: Yeah, explain this letter.
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p.s. glossary for readers unfamiliar with our Firm’s terms:
ECPPC - energy, chemical, and pharmaceutical professional community
NHO - new hire orientation
OIC - officer in charge
RPU - report production unit
Terrence
Riyadh
Sunday, June 20, 1999
