Aliens
by Alice MacDonald


(The scene: a high school reunion inside a high school gym. BILL and JOE are sitting next to a long refreshments table. Some other people are out and about, mingling, catching up with each other.

BILL: You know, I got abducted by aliens last week. No, I'm not kidding. See, I was at the Chargers game and it was halftime, see. All of a sudden this UFO landed on the field. At first I thought it was all part of the show, y'know? But then I realized, no, somthing's wrong, after they shot the announcer's box with a killer death ray and it blew up. I mean the announcer's box blew up, not the UFO. Anyway, everyone started screamin' and runnin' and someone bumped me and I fell onto the field, y'know, because y'know I had front seat tickets, right? Anyway, I try to stand up, right, but something hits me over the head. And when I came to I'm in a big green room with plaid trim onthe doors. So I stand up and there right in front of me is this big space alien. It looks like a duck, 'xcept it's really big and it's got the head of a bull terrier and the lips o' Mick Jagger. So I said to myself, I say "Whoa! I gotta get outta here," y'know? But no! They don't want me to leave! They shove me down on a operatin' table! They tear my shirt off, right? Then they put some weird chemical or whatnot on my stomach. I think it was unæsthetic or whatever the word is. Then one of them takes this big ol' freaking butcher knife or somethin' and cuts me open, like what does he think, I'm a freakin'cake for crying out loud? Anyway, the weird part of it is I don't feel a thing. Even though he chopping me open with a freaking cleaver, nothing. I feel nothing. Anyway, he reaches inside me — no gloves, he has no gloves on — he reaches inside me and pulls out my stomach. My stomach! I says, I said I said I said, I say "Hey! You can't 'ave that! That's my stomach!" You know?And he says — I think it was a he, 'cause he was wearin' pants — he says "Skreetly bob morgle orble!" or some silly nonsense like that. I don't know; I don't speak Alien. Anyway, I say "You bleedin' well better get back here with my stomach, boy, or I'm going to hafta beat your face into the ground, duck man!" And he says "Mobble deep beep" or somethin' and these two other aliens, just as ugly, come up to me, they come up and they shove this metal gizmo in me! I said "Hey! What do you think you're doin'?! Are you out of your frickin' mind?" Minds, I mean. And they say something back to me in Esperanto or whatever frickin' stupid language they talk in, y'know? And so I finally get pissed off and I slug one in the face, right? 'Cause, y'know, I was mad. I was bleedin' livid. Anyways, so I slugged the one alien and then they both jab me with sticks! But these ain't ordinary sticks like you or me would find lyin' on the ground on your way down the street to the 7-11 or wherever. Naw, these ain't normal sticks. These look like those Klingon pain sticks. These are high tech spaceman alien sticks. They got all their knobs an' buttons and crap. Anyway, they poke me with the sticks and I fall unconscious. 'Cause that's what these sticks're for, see, I guess. I couldn't really tell 'cause the labels on the sticks were in Alien and they jabbed me too fast for me to read them. Anyway, I came to and I'm on the operatin' table, see, same as last time, right, 'xcept this time I got these frickin' straps holding me down. And I go "Hey! This is a violation o' my rights!" but they didn't care, because they're too stupid to know about the Constitution, y'know? Anyway, I look down, and I'm all closed up, and there ain't even a scar. I go "Hey! What'd you do to me with your weird alien technology? Where's my stomach? What's this stupid contraption device thing you put in me? Where's the scar? What's wrong with you anyway, takin' people from football games without consent and takin' out their bodily organs and fillin' 'em up with freakin' devices an' crap?" And the big one, the one in charge, the one with the knife and the ugly brown pants, he turns to me and he says — I guess his, uh, automatic translator or whatever's workin' now, 'cause he says to me, he yells "SHUT UP!" in English, clear as crystal. So I shut up, 'cause I ain't never had no duckman space alien scream shut up at me, y'know? Then he presses a button on his, whajacallit, his stick thing. Staff! That's what it's called! He presses a button on his staff and the clamps, the clamps that're holdin' me down, they pop off, see? So I gets up to the alien, the duck thing, and I make like I'm gonna hit him, but I'm not really, y'know, I'm not gonna hit him, not after last time I hit one. But he thinks I'm going to hit him so he zaps me with that, what, staff o' his, and I go flyin' out some porthole or door or whatever you call 'em. And I go flyin' out, and I landed in my front lawn. On my front lawn, I mean. I land in my front lawn, I brush myself off, and I go inside and it turns out, wow, I ain't got no heartburn no more! Nevermore! Heh heh. So I'm thinkin' yeah, this is great, life is great, too bad I got nobody to t'tell, y'know, 'cause I'm single, I'm a bachelor, right? So then I go and get my mail and there's this invitation to the ol' high school reunion, and I think yeah! This'll be great! So I came and now here I am. So...anything interesting happen to you lately? You seem like an interesting kind o' guy.

JOE: I'm going to go talk to Beth, OK? (He gives a slight whimper and scurries over to a larger group of people. Bill shrugs and eats a chip out of a bowl he's sitting next to.)


THE END

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