We all wake up in various tents, and Chris, Rosanne and Emilia have a long awaited meeting. Nick tells the tale of his unfortunate adventures last night. He didn’t have a sleeping bag, and was caught in the act of stealing Tom’s, and so he had to sleep without one. This matter wasn’t helped by him being half-off his airbed, because he had his shoes on. Alan, meanwhile, sleeps through most of breakfast, and when he actually does emerge, tells us how he was out until dawn the previous night, and couldn’t remember exactly what he was doing. By this point, most of the couples are established, although Joe has left.

There’s something funny in the paddling pool, and Simon’s cup undergoes it’s first series of abuse, as it is used to shave Greg’s legs, and is filled with Shaving Foam and hair. Greg shows his first signs of interest in dressing up as a woman, more of which we shall hear later. We also meet Ben, who is twice the man any cow could ever be, due to his remarkable number of stomachs.

Simon makes quite an inopportune comment about Rosie Upton, and Alan questions him about the Child Protection act. Much confusion incurs, as Simon isn’t quite sure what incident Alan is referring to.

Nick remains confused about the existence of Becky’s Wine, and insists that it must be a code for something, even after said wine is produced. Becky sips genteely from the wine. Meanwhile, Arthur and Alan introduce us to the concept of blowback, and Nick describes the Tool Complex as the Ghetto of camp.

We rage against the Nestle machine again. We paint two big signs, announcing “Rage against the Nestle machine”, and “Maybe there’s a dead baby caught in the works”, and we walk down to the machine in order to stick them on. We stick the signs on, Rosanne cutting liberally at the machine with a penknife in order to cut the sellotape, and then we begin to tape up the coin slot and the selection buttons. Then, a woman comes out of the shop, and says that we can’t tape up the coin slot. We argue for a while, and she has quite reasonable arguments, claiming that our signs are alright, but taping up the coin slot is not really fair. Then, this unreasonable and horrible man comes along, who is very rude to us, and refuses to listen to our arguments. He is the only not-nice person we meet on the whole camp.

In the end, we do remove the tape from the coin slot, but we leave our signs up, and they are photographed for the Guardian. However, by the next day, they are missing, and we suspect it was the horrible man.

We meet Mad Nic, and tell her how Alan has been stealing his wine from the old man he lives next door to. Arthur asks her for some sugar, as he has diabetes. Poor Nic was very confused. We soon returned to the Tool Tent, where Rosanne eats one of Alan’s E pills, believing it to be a paracetamol. We also devise the recorder-bong, although Chucky invented it years ago. Rosanne’s recorder develops a distinct cannabis smell. The concept of this appeals to Rosanne, and she plans to give it to some kid, or perhaps to a charity shop, together with a pear. Not even Rosanne is aware of where the pear came from. Anna wants to write “bong” on the Marquee. We ask Emily if she can play the skinflute, and she replies in the affirmative. The story is told of how Simon threw a slug in Becky’s hair as a token of their love, only to give her a child a week later. Rosanne is determined to melt the recorder, but is persuaded otherwise. She demands a pint of the black stuff, but is assured that you cannot drink melted recorder. She rants on about destiny and short shorts and butter, whilst Alan seems determined to take her clubbing with him in London, or at least to the Drum’n’Bass night at the Firkin. He then suggests making a bong out of the big green boiler in the kitchen, and the night descends into chaos and confusion.

As various people eventually go to different tents, Alan and Amelia take Chris’s sleeping bag, and Rosanne realises she has her head in a puddle, and moves into the Gimp tent. This leaves Chris without a sleeping bag, and he ends up sleeping in Gimp under a Woodcraft Shirt and a towel. However, overwhelmed by cold, he stumbles out of the tent at 5 in the morning, muttering about being freezing, but returns with a sleeping bag he has found, declaring that “there is a god!” to a sleepy and confused Becky.

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