* Jimbo has another busy week, as he's in Chicago preparing for Saturday's XFL game between the Chicago Arns and the New York/New Jersey Brets. After the game, he'll fly to Las Vegas for No Way Out of Las Vegas on Sunday, and then on to Phoenix for Monday Night RAW (is War and the Warzone). Then he'll be able to "R&R"; -- meaning to hang with Gibson and Morton -- for a few days before heading to San Fransisco for more Xational Football League work. Thanks goodness for telephones, fax machines, computers and gorillograms, says Ross. Fun but bizzay, that be da life of da announcerman.

* No Way Out of Las Vegas will contain many interesting and Ross Report-hype worthy matches, and the main attraction will be the 2 out of 3 falls match between Austin and HHH. Ross STILL holds onto his outlandish predictions that the match will not end in the first two falls, as we all know almost always if the case in rasslin'. Jimbo expects the steel cage part of the match to take place as "[he doesn't] think either Stone Cold or the Game will take two straight falls from the other". Obviously insinuating that they're turning into backstage non-jobbing egomaniacs like Test. It could turn out to be one of the best matches of the year from where Ross sits. But of course, everything seems a bit better if you're watching it from ringside.

* Rock vs Kurt Angle will likely play SECOND FIDDLE to the abovementioned match, proving once and for all that there is a glass ceiling in the WWF that young talent like Angle (and Rock) will never break through. If you want it to prove that, it can, at least. An overwhelming amount of people think the Rock will win and go on to wrestle Stone Cold for the gold at WrestleMania.

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* Jimbo can't argue with the logic of that, but we must remember that strange things happen in the WWF. Shane McMahon and a steel chair can happen, for instance. Still, the match will range from very good to excellent in Ross's eyes. To translate, that's ***1/2 to ***** for those who cannot express the quality of things in actual words.

* Regarding the Triple Threat Tag Team Title Table, J.R. fears that the "cluster principle" could be a factor. I can't help but feel that there is something missing after that first word, though I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. Fuck. Anyhoo, Ross feels that it could turn out really well if it just gets off to a good start. All six guys will work hard, and that's where it all starts, Jim tells us. So I guess by that logic, since it needs a good start and the effort is what is the start to any match, it will indeed be good. I'm sure that's what he meant.

* The Intercontinental Championship Fatal Four Way (called the ICFFW by people backstage, as in: "Hey Eddy, how should we do the finish of the ICFFW?" and "I can't wait for the IFCCW" -- try it, it just rolls of your tongue) could also be a show stealer.

* Stephanie-Trish won't be no Brisco-Funk classic when it comes to actual wrestling. More like Brisco-Patterson, anno 2000, I'd say. Though if I see Trish with poopstained undies, my faith in humanity will be severely hurt.

* In another NWOoLV bout, Jerry the Perv takes on Steven Richards in a match with a good storyline. Expect it to be better than expected (hmm) and to have lots of "garnish". I so hope that's a eufemism for boobs.

* And what of The Big Show vs the Smaller Raven? Jim tells us we can expect lots of gimmicks (Paul Wight brings back the comedy and comes out as Johhny Polo?) as well as unique spots. J.R. says both will do their best as they know they are under the microscope, which I must say I find a funny visual when it comes to Show. Haha, what a big microscope! Or haha, what a normal-sized microscope, but how uncomfortable Paul Wight must be in that position!

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* Who knows, maybe there'll be another match added to the PPV lineup at HeAT. Who knows, who knows? Do the Hardyz, perhaps?

* Scotty 2 Hottie was a funny nickname, a very over WORM, and a pinched nerve in his neck. He'll take it easy in upcoming weeks.

* On the other hand, "Wet" Willie Regal's pain in the neck isn't to bad anymore, as evident by his SmackDown! match against Test. Ross is very happy with how Regal has gotten his life back on track and is keeping his New Year's resolution in not peeing on airplane personell.

* Bob "Rod Man" Holly's robotic arm is causing some trouble but he is not expected to miss any action for the time being. It might be cool if his body rejected the steel rod and it flew out of his arm onto an unsuspecting opponent in the middle of a match. It would make for quite the memorable finish.

* Chris Jerrko is undergoing physical therapy due to a herniated disc in his lower back. If it's part of the really low lower back, you might call it a pain in the ass, and we'd all be able to giggle like school girls.

* The Artist Currently Known as Justin Credible may not necessarily keep that punnerific name, though he is a welcome addition to the roster. Ross believes he and X-Pac could form a super duo. Just like they did as Aldo and the Kid.

* Tazz, Lita, and Rikishi, all notorious WWF thong-wearers, had a successful autograph signing at the Virgin Megastore, signing over 800 autographs in just over two hours. That's the first time in a looong while that Lita's name has been mentioned in conjunction with "virgin". That doesn't hold true to Tazz, though. Or so I hear.

* Chyna sucks. Her book "If They Only Knew I Suck" sucks. It'll be # 2 on the New York Times bestseller list next week. Congratulations, sincerely!

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* "Let's get people talking without actually saying anything myself!" thought Jim Ross one day, and at that moment had found the key to filling out his Ross Report. Some "unique" storylines are being developed, some of which will come to TV soon, most of which will be held off until after WrestleMania. I hope "unique" doesn't translate to "incest-related".

* Mr. JL has signed with the WWF, but his debut-date has not been set. He is a veteran nose hand who brings mucho talent and professionalism to the lightheavyweight division WWF.

* Ross has been singing the praises of the lighheavyweight division, but no one's listening. He will keep it up for as long as it takes, keep fighting for it and fighting for it until - by God! - someone asks him nicely to stop.

* Bestiality rears its ugly head in the Ross Report, as a certain Rhino gets an Oklahoma Oral. He's in his early twenties, gurgle, has lost 20 pounds, gurgle, and should be a future main eventer, gulp.

* "My Slobberknockin Vibrator project looks promising and should get on track in the next few weeks."

* It seems some of what was said in last week's Ross Report profoundly hurt some people deep in their souls. Me, I don't remember anything particularly vile; The only ones he blasted were those who blasted him and pro wrestling. There wasn't even an off-hand fatass remark. Anyway, I guess it does upset people if you talk about the flag-carrying teams of the tag division without mentioning Lo Down.

* The Memphis Pro Wrestling show down in Jonesboro, Arkansas was a huge success; No one got shot by schoolkids wearing fatigues or anything.

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* WrestleMania still has a few seats left but it "is expected to have over 62,000 fans on hand at the Astrodome (or maybe more)." OVER 62,000 fans or maybe MORE! Anyway, the big event is on April 1st this year, which gives me ideas. They could have Vince McMahon come out before the main event (between Austin and Rock, duh) and announce that Triple HHH will in the interest of fairness be part of the match, making it a three-way dance. Then, after ten minutes or so of action between the three, when people Internet writers have gotten quite a bit into their latest "Smartest Man in Wrestling" columns, Triple H will go and grab the mike. "Nah, just kidding. APRIL FOOLS, SMART MARKS!" he'll say. Then he'll leave, letting the rightful main event continue.

* There's already been talk about the site for next year's 'Mania, and Jim thinks the fans will like the choice. At least those living in Vladivostok, Russia!! (*thumbs up*)

* Over 100,000 people are expected to visit WWF AXXZyXxXZZ over the three days it will go on.Damnit, I don't even get that many people to visit this site in FOUR days, let alone three!

* No Way Out of Las Vegas will be sold out by showtime, Jimbo ASSUMES. When you ASSUME, you're making an ASS out of UME! And UME does not appreciate it! He told me so.

* Both RAW and SmackDown! tapings will take place at the MCI Center in Washington DC, which pleases the rasslers. Now they can catch the sights!

* "One of the nicer things said about yours truly’s XFL announcing was written this week in USA Today. I was compared to the Dukes of Hazzard’s Boss Hogg! Was it the hat or the accent? Nothing to do about these shots but to keep working hard." I haven't seen Dukes of Hazzard and I have no idea who Boss Hogg is, so I can't make anything of this. Naturally, I turn to Justin Shapiro (who got this honor because he happened to be on AIM at the time) for a joke. Here is what he has to say:

JMShapyro: hmm

So I told him he didn't have to make a joke. However, he replied with the following:

JMShapyro: Wait I got this
JMShapyro: Give me a second
JMShapyro: OK I don't got this

* Stone Cold Steve Austin will make an appearance on the Tonight Show with Gay Leno sometime before WrestleMania.

* In closing, we get some blabber about the XFL game in Chicago, where Jim Ross says that while Jesse Ventura may be used to cold weather, Ross himself sure isn't. WHAT A FEUD!