* Jimbo will be going to Memphis this weekend, where he'll be attacked by rabid Jerry Lawler fans demanding an explanation for the departure of their second favourite King. Also, he'll be calling an XFL B-game along with Vince Russo's favourite football personality Dick Butkus. Then, it's RAW is WAR and SmackDown! is !nwoDkcams time, in Los Angeles and Anaheim, respectively. Both events are ECW'd. Also, Ross might attend a show by Rick Bassman's Ultimate Pro Wrestling in Santa Ana on Wednesday, but that's not a certainty. There are quite a few prospects down there, though, and Bassman has a record of discovering marketable steroid freaks; He's the one who discovered the Sting and Rock, don't you know? Rock is the same guy as the Ultimate Warrior. Little known fact there, but it's the truth.

* Rikishi busted an eardrum against Austin at SmackDown!, which will cause him to be out of action until WrestleMania times. One thing that crosses my mind (and is vaguely related to the topic) is that you call it a busted eardrum, just like busted spleen and busted babboon-bone and whatnot. So I'm thinking, if you injure your gluteus maximus -- commonly known as the "ass" -- you should really say you have a busted ass. This leads to a much higher autenticity for your potential promo-work when you return to action. "How can you do this to me? I BUSTED MY ASS FOR YOU!"

* "I busted my eardrum for you" doesn't have the same ring to it.

* Bob "Rod Man" Holly has some swelling in his C5-C6 vertebrae, and as anyone who's had swelling in his or her C5-C6 vertebrae knows, that means he'll have to rest for at least two weeks. I hope they insert a big steel rod in place of his spine, to keep building to the character.

* We shall see no W O R M for quite a while, as Scotty 2 Hotty needs to be out of action for four to six weeks. I'm hoping he returns on the same night as Rikishi and the funky trio (the two along with Lawler jr, naturally) reunite. And dance. And dance. And dance.

* Edge has a sore back, but it's getting better. He'll be on RAW, but "will miss the weekend's (non-televised) house shows". No word on the televised house shows, I guess.

* The collaboration between the WWF and MTV, Tuff E. Nuff, beings taping next week. Before we get into specifics, it seems we need a

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* Tori (not a mystery anymore, though still a Ninja, and definitely (one hopes) still a woman) has been added to the staff, already consisting of Tazz, Jackie, Al Snow, and Dave Taylor. So now there's a hot ninja woman, a former WCW Squire, a wacky and wise-cracking dude, a mean ass-kicker, and.. Tazz. Certainly a nice group of trainers for the little wannabes throughout what looks to be a thirteen-week program.

* House show lineups have been rather unusual, as a bunch of tag wrestlers have been working singles matches due to their partners being injured. Among those in that situation were Grandmaster Sexay, Christian, Faarooq, and Bradshaw. Don't ask about those last two, I don't get it either.

* If you're in the United Kingdom and you happen to see a woman with her pants down far enough for you to see her thong, do not be alarmed; It is merely Lita, who's over there to do some promoting of the upcoming InsurrexXxtyon event. While they'll be on TV this Monday, neither Lita nor Trish will be appearing on house shows this weekend. Matt Hardy will have to find someone else to kiss when he celebrates, in other words, and if you're Eric S. of the Shooters you're assuming Matt's brother Jeff really hopes he'll get to be the one getting the tongue action. Then again, if you're Eric S., you see incest insinuated in a whole bunch of angles where no one else notices it.

* Terry "Ryzin" Gerin, the artist formerly known as Rhino, will make his WWF house show debut this weekend, but no TV debut date is set. His ring-name may be changed also. May I suggest calling him "Justin Credible"? I think that'd be sort of cool.

* The Big Fat Show had a good couple of house shows last weekend and is continuing to improve. He's certainly not working his ass off, though, as that -- and fat in other places -- remains attached.

* If you read the most recent mailbag update on this site, you saw an e-mail one Ben Moore sent, with the following quote: "Why don't you just go and make some comments on the Oklahoma bombing while you're at it dick." Now, there seems to be a perfect opportunity for me to do so, as Jim Ross tells us about a SmackDown! taping that will take place in Oklahoma City on April 3rd. However, sensitive as I am to discrete undertones in writing, I detect that just maybe, Mr. Moore is being what we in the know call "sarcastic". Not noticable to the untrained eye, of course, but I sense it. Thus, you get no classless jokes about "explosive mathups," or anything of that sort. Uh-uh, none of that tasteless stuff.

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* Did you miss him? Did you even notice he was gone? Either way, K-Kwik is going to be able to return from a broken rib in two or three weeks. I expect him to be directly thrust into the main event picture.

* Speaking of main event players, ideas are being discussed for Lo Down. Not necessarily as a team, though. This could really put the important Hindu demographic in limbo.

* "Wet" Willie Regal gets a J.R. blowjob, which has been the norm for the past few weeks. Regal as a commissioner should lead to hilarity, thinks Ross.

* Kane will be featured in an upcoming Stacker II commercial. It BURNS fat, see, nyuk nyuk. I wonder why Paul Wight didn't get the part.

* (because he's still fat)

* Stone Cold Steve Austin will be on the Tonight Show with Gay Leno March 14th, and I hope he Stunners that huge-ass chin. Leno has been making fun of the XFL, Jim notes. "Ha-ha, Mr. Funny Man! Be my guest! Poke fun! Ha-ha-ha, really funny to be ridiculing MY LIVELIHOOD. Well, just you wait until I see you face to face, and I will by God break you in half!"

* Triple H had a photo shoot scheduled with Flex Magazine, but it will be moved until after WrestleMania. Hmm.. "Flex". Wouldn't it be more appropiate if another wrestler did that gig? I am of course talking about the Rock.

* "Damn, I'm tired of the snow and cold weather here in Connecticut! I'm begging to live in warm weather. Ah, someday." OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD! Jimbo is OBVIOUSLY hinting at a return to Atlanta and WCW!

* Test and Kurt Angle had a fine outing at RAW and deserve to get some Oklahoman oral action. Angle gets full lubrication with being called "extraordinary," while it's more of a polite lick towards Test, who "seems to be ready to move up".

* Did you know that the WrestleMania weekend fan festival WWF AXXSEXXS will have actual WWF wrestlers in attendance? It's true! Fans from all fifty states will be attending the PPV event itself, which is a first for any WrestleMania. Seats are still available, at affordable prices in the low thousands.

* DO NOT BE ALARMED! THE FOLLOWING NEWSBITE WILL CONTAIN NO JOKE. A few WWF wrestlers, for instance the Hardy Boyz and the Lita Grrl, will appear on the Canadian TSN's show "Off the Record." THE PREVIOUS NEWSBITE CONTAINED NO JOKE.

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* Triple H did a booksigning of "WrestleMania; The Official Insider's Story" last Wednesday at WWF New York. I don't know if the Insider in question is the one of past WWF magazine fame. Probably not. Anyway, Ross says that the book is very readworthy and contains mucho material on the WWF's biggest event, and it's definitely worth the $120 American (500 Canadian) it costs. I'm gonna hold out for "Backlash; The Official Insider's Story" myself.

* Trish Stratus will be appearing on Much Music's "Snowjob 2001" this week in Kamloops, British Columbia. Again, that's SNOWJOB, and nothing else. Damn pervs, immediately connecting it with blowjob and Trish sucking a big old cock, licking balls and all that stuff. I can't for the life of me understand how you sick bastards function. It's SHAMEFUL.

* Are you ready?! I said are you ready!?! Are you ready for five lengthy, action packed paragraphs related to the Jerry lawler situation? You better be, because here we go.

* A bunch of folks have been e-mailing WWF workers about the situation: Most were reasonable, some were angry muhfuhs threatening to mutilate whoever was available. Jimbo isn't certain that the e-mailing is the best strategy, though. It sure doesn't beat faxing.

* Jim gets asked if he misses working with the King all the time and you bet he does! Also, they talked a bunch of times after the firing/quitting, contrary to FILTHY, ROTTEN LIARS on the world wide web. Jim wishes the situation never happened, and he has his period.

* Paul Hey-man-your-company-is-dead did a pretty good job as a color commentator in Jimbo's eyes, especially considering he hasn't had a regular on-air role in the last ten years. But let's not talk too much about this until after we take a little

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* Jim Ross feels that he and Paul will need some time to get their timing going real smoothly, and thinks that they can reach the same chemistry Jimbo and the King had in due time. Anyway, Lawler and Heyman are two entirely different flavours of Kool-Aid, though both are intelligent and students of the business and blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, who's to say Lawler will never return? Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Never say never, but you just did that twice in the same sentence, now didn't you, Jimbo?

* Ross's experiences with the XFL and NBC is providing him with plenty of material for the book he wants to write someday. Not caring one bit about football, I think I'll skip those chapters, thank you. Jimbo, however, thinks it'll make for an interesting read. I think it'll make for uninteresting Ross Report filler, as he keeps talking about the book when he hasn't even started writing the damn thing yet.

* YAY, we're returning to talking about wrestling! The WrestleMania card is beginning to get finalized, it looks like, and Jim thinks that it looks strong. Hey, did you know that Rock vs Austin will be the main event? It doesn't need no Viagra, as it is quite naturally potent. Another match that seems likely is Undertaker vs Triple H in a really hard-to-predict match; Undertaker always wins at WrestleMania, and Triple H always wins anywhere. Except at the Royal Rumble, Armageddon, Survivor Series, or SummerSlam in the past year.

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* Not to be Shiavonesque, but Jimbo thinks this WrestleMania show will be a pretty good little PPV.

* Still no definite word on when Shawn Michaels will return to TV, but there *is* a definite word on when he'll be in Knoxville, Tennessee to launch the first day of ticket sales for an upcoming RAW: That'll happen this Saturday.

* Take stuff, and we'll see you next week.