* The backlash from Backlash! [Hohoho, I don't think any site's used that one!] It was a solid PPV but nothing special, and it had a tough card to follow in RXXXLMENYA X-Se7yn. Some highlights were: Austin/HHH getting more steam up their ass (or however you say it), the Ultimate Submission match, the Duchess of Overbooking, Shane MacSon's performance, the Euro belt being built up, the hardcore title match, and the opener. I think that includes just about everything but the Big Show. The crowd was, as Scott Keith would say, there. As Jim Ross would (and does) say, it was "there for us". The show gets a six or seven on the 10-scale, a bit down from the standard eight. With WrestleMania, I think it evens out.

* Dean Malenko is having shoulder problems and has gotten a few cortisone shots. Sweet, sweet, soothing cortisone. I was hooked on it for years.

* Scotty 2 Hottie's a PAIN in the NECK still, so no

W

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for a while. It looks like Scotty might even have to have surgery down the line, as there has hardly been any improvement on the neck from two months ago. This according to an

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I

done last week. So, no reunion of Too Cool and Rikishi in the nearest future. This is a sad day for all mankind.

* Perry Saturn has bruises on his biceps, making his tattoos look all cluttered. He'll keep going in order to not slow down that megapush of his.

* Wet Willy Regal is feeling a bit uncomfortable with his arm and shoulder, but they'll continue to work alongside one another none the less.

* K-Kwik continues to have rib problems. Why doesn't he just get some spare ones? Get it? Spare ribs? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

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* ahahahahahaha! Spare ribs! hahaha!

* "D-Von, get the table!" "Gasp! You don't mean the operating one, do you?" "Nah, just the normal one. Because while you do have a sore left shoulder, it will not yet require surgery." "Phew." *the Dudleys put Jim Ross through a table*

* Grand Master Sexay once cut his leg in Denver just to watch it bleed.

* Attention, attention. There has been an MCL tear in MCW! I repeat: There has been an MCL tear in MCW! It's Rod "Rodrageous" Rageous in Memphis who's injured his knee, and it'll require a few weeks worth of physical therapy. Shooter Schultz had hernia surgery and will be out for four to six weeks. How in the world will he handle his Thursday News Update duties?

* Aaron Aguilera, aka the Hardcore Kid, had back surgery last Tuesday but is expected to be able to make a full recovery in due time. If Aaron Aguilera married Christina Ricci, do you know what her new name would be? It'd probably still be Christina Ricci! I mean, think about it.

* Foley's "Foley Is Good" is good, says Jimbo. Mick was interviewed by the New York Times regarding this book, which hits the stores May 8th. It's a thoroughly enjoyable 400 page body of work by a throroughly enjoyable 400 pound body of man.

* HHH and Stephanie MacDaughter will be at WWF New York for Sunday Night HeAT this... umm, which day was it? Oh that's right... Sunday. I AM THE DATING GAME-UH.

* Some UPN affiliate in New Yawk will do a feature on Bradshaw the Wrestling Stock Broker. Don't they know that's just a gimmick?

* Also, the National Television of Chile (El Televisión National de Chile -- I don't know, I just made that up) will interview several WWF superstars this Monday in the Nassau Coliseum. The boys always work extra hard when Chilean TV is on hand.

* There will be more voter registration rallies, headlined by Kurt Angle. "You know, the President we've got now... He may have Intensity. He may even have a teensy bit of Intergrity. But Intelligence? Hoo boy."

* Chyna will be on The View on May 9th. Deja vu? Didn't I have a tidbit exactly like this to report last time I did a NftRR? And that was, like, almost six months ago.

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* Raven's been doing a great job promoting WWF events in the media and will be utilized more fully for this reason in the future. I can't really think of a joke, so I'll just say: Johnny Polo.

* Lita will make an appearance at the Extremely Exciting end Electrically Extravagant Entertainment Expo (E7) on May 17th in Los Angeles, and she'll also be doing an MTV radio tour the next day in the same city. Why'd you want Lita on the radio?

* Give it up for the little guy! Tazz will be throwing the ceremonial first pitch at Shea Stadium for the Mets-Dodgers game on May 18th. I also hear Tazz might be working in Disney movie in the future, but that's not in the Ross Report and is actually just me hinting at a possible future feature on the Whole JF'N Show.

* On May 31st to June 1st, at the Doral Golf Resort in Miami, it's time for the sporting event everyone has been waiting for: The Sgt Slaughter Celebrity Golf Tournament! The Hardy Boyz and Lita will do their best to try to prove that golf can be action-packed, injury causing, and life-threatening. Bradshaw will try to show that he's not just another tough Texan wrestlers-slash-stock broker -- there are a million of those guys). Terri will bounce. The Big Boss Man will be deliverin' some nite-stick justice and make sure the golf balls get some hard time (in the hole). And to draw the big crowds, we'll also see Michael Cole, the Coach, Michael Hayes, and the biggest draw of them all, Kevin Kelly.

* Speculation has been running rampant all over the web for months now, and Jimbo FINALLY comes through with a clarification! Here it is: Dennis Brent and Bob Clarke will be part of the WWF's talent development program in the future. Yes, you heard that right. Amazing, isn't it? Other than the humonguos fame that comes with the jobs, there are a few other benefits. Lots and lots of all-expenses paid trips between Puerto Rico, Memphis, and Ohio Valley, for instance. Back and forth, back and forth, for all eternity.

* Negotiations with TNN are still going on, so no start date has been set for WCW's relaunch. Jimbo says that several "alternative plans" are being talked about -- such as giving WCW the very lucrative Jakked/Metal time slots or possibly just stuffing all the wrestlers signed and using them as training dummies -- but things will definitely be moving forward. Ross had meetings with Jerry "Tweety" Tuite (formerly known as the Wall) and Stacey Keibler last week in what gets described as "excellent meetings". I guess if Stacey gets another pregnancy angle down the line, we'll more than likely be able to trace it back to that fateful "excellent" meeting with sex-god Jimbo Ross in May. These two signees -- a match between whom could certainly be a main event anywhere in the world -- were not the only ones who J.R.'s had meetings with; there are also a bunch of unsigned peeps. More on the next page.

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* Aside from the TV negotiations, which Jim fully expects to be finished within the next few years, negotiations with talent is going very well. Announcers, writers, Mr. JF, and other support staff is yet to be finalized but that will surely happen as soon as the exact direction for the TV show is clear. Meaning within the decade. Jimbo will meet people that are already under contract, such as Bill "The Mutt" DeMott (formerly known as Hugh R. A. Penis), as well as people who'll do anything to be brought along for the ride. That'll conclude
the first round of Ross's nation-wide "Talkin' With The WCWers Tour". Also, two major meetings dealing with WCW were held in Stamford last Thursday, involving key WWF executives. McMahon Family Gathering, in other words.

* Paul Oy-Veyman has been getting nice reviews on his commentating recently, and Jimbo notes that the pair have started to really put gel all over the announce table. Both are working very hard.

* Paul Heyman has Jim Ross's ear! Apparently, Jim will have meetings with Tommy Dreamer regarding a new role with the company very soon. Tommy has a lot to bring to the table, Ross tells us, and I'm thinking it might be some body parts that've disappeared from their original place but that Tommy still carries around. Maybe he'll have some spare ribs for K-Kwik? (HAHAH... Nah.) Anyway, J.R. says he hopes they'll be able to do business with Tommy Dreamer, whether it be for the Fed or in WCW. Paul Heyman has Jim Ross's ear!

* Hey, you know this new Light Heavyweight champ Jerry Lynn?

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* He's been doing quite well. Jim hopes that he'll give the division the jump start it deserves. To think, if Jerry had just participated in that original tournament to crown the champ back in 1997 as was originally planned, everything would have been different.

* "Expect to see several creative changes to be initiated on the Federation roster soon. Many ideas are being discussed and these storyline changes will help freshen up our TV presentation. I am not sure what creative changes will occur first but the ideas being considered are certainly intriguing with some downright gold. Bottom line is that these changes in direction will provide better opportunities for deserving talents to have a chance in moving up to the next level." -- Great. Now before you know it, Dave Meltzer will say "Expect to see some badass elevation like you ain't neva seen on RAW and SmackDown!", and then web fans everywhere will be disappointed when no tag team wrestler becomes WWF champ.

* Rock's role in "Finally, The Mummy Has Come Back To Egypt" is not as big as the promotion of the movie might have had you believe. With this mention in the Ross Report, however, I don't think we'll see any problem with disappointed movie goers, especially with the Notes reaching such a large part of the audience. The next movie, "The Scorpion King Says", however, will feature Da Rock much more, on the other hand. Rock will be back in the WWF this summer, ain't no doubt about it, and I think he'll use the Scorpion Leg Lock much more extensively before it is revealed that he's having trouble distinguishing himself from the character he plays. That's my prediction. Rock was on "the Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn" Friday night, but that already happened so why am I telling you?

* Jimbo's "ready to tap" due to the flu, and thus could not be part of the UK PPV WWF Insurrextion. He wanted to go, but doctors and the owner of the company (Vince? Linda? Vince and Linda speaking in stereo? I can't keep track of this WWF ownership after all those switches) told him to stay home. Jimbo will be back on RAW this Monday, because RAW is more important than anything that could ever happen in the UK.

* Christian is getting married on May 25 in Florida. You gotta believe that after the priest does the "speak now or forever hold their peace" line, Val Venis will interrupt the wedding, revert to his old ways and show a sexy video of himself in bed with the bride on the big screen they have in the church. All because he's bitter about Christian being picked as Edge's best man for the wedding between Edge and Val's sister.

* Bet you'd forgotten about that angle, huh?

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* A few weeks ago we had bestiality, and now it's time for some necrophilia In This Very Ross Report, as dead dudes the Undertaker and Kane get blowjob action. The Undertaker is one awesome dude who's right were he should be, in Ross's view, and Kane is expected to become even more established at the top of the card when he returns. Both dudes have totally stepped up and elevated their game.

* Hey, hold up... "Elevated their game?" Jim is saying that the dead dudes are only there to elevate HHH! Hunter has the world in his pocket! I thought it up, so it must be true.

* OVW talents Randy "O." Orton, Flash Flannagan, and Mark "I'm OVW Talent Now?" Henry all looked good in dark matches last week. If you think that means they're soon to debut on WWF TV, then you haven't been following the Ross Report the past few years.

* Speaking of OVW, Bobby Eaton will be assisting trainer there now, and Ross thinks he can do a good job in that position. Jimbo will go down there on May 16th to have a meeting with the staff and getting feedback on what can be done to improve that area of the company. "Hey, how about letting some of the guys on TV when they've improved so much, rather than just mentioning them briefly in the Ross Report?" "Nope, no dice. Anything else?"

* Dutch Mantell is doing a great job in Puerto Rico, keeping the young talent out of the way of psychos who murder folk in locker rooms. If you're wrestling a card in Puerto Rico and your opponent says "I will stab you in the face" in a promo, chances are he really will do it. Nevertheless, the IWA is doing quite well, and no one has been killed in several weeks.

* Just so that Terry Golden and MCW don't feel left out, Jim -- like a good father -- makes mention of them as well. You're doing good, MCW!

* We're done. Buh-bye!