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![]() 2001.05.25 * Straight up from Oklahizzoma wit da news and da views, it's Good Ol' Dirty Bastard J.R. (and the Resist Ol' Hat). * Sweet home Alabama. Where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama. Where Triple H went to have surgery. Dr. Jim-Bob Andrews performed the task, but while it was successful, it turns out the tear was worse than the MRI first indicated. One of the four quadriceps "heads" was all ripped off, but Andrews knows his business and was all "Get your head on straight!" and put the head back on. HHH will not be able to return for HeAT, that's for sure, as he will be hospitalized until Sunday. After that, he'll stay in Birmingham for a few weeks to do some rehab work with sports therapist Kevin Wilkes -- who does not wear a Stars 'n' Stipes patterned mask to cover his face while working. You might think all the Wilkeses did, but no siree. It's amazing to Jimbo that HHH managed to gut out the final few minutes of the RAW main event match after such a painful injury. Ross expresses the hope that some of Triple H's critics will cut him some slack after that performance. So now the dastardly plan is finally revealed! HHH just wanted some more of that damn 'respect' thing to get even more clout and work his evil ways. MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! Anyway, he'll come back for some 'interesting television' in a few weeks. * So now the WWF needs to focus on creating new exciting storylines, sort of like in the weeks prior to WrestleMania. Hopefully, interest will for the broadcasts will grow -- ratings have been sliding a bit, you know. Damn the absense of K-Kwik. They've been there before, Jim tells us, and I assume he means "in a situation where there's no direct competition, our biggest star is off filming a movie, and another humonguous star will stay on injury leave for several months". He's confident that they'll be able to make a positive out of this ordeal, however. "Elevate some Canadians!", those of the pro wrestling's Internet fan-base that are the most Internet-based (so to speak) scream in unison. * !!! PAGE BREAK !!! * Really, -- and this is of course continuing the point of the previous page, only interrupted by the automatized WWF.com page-break machine -- they have no choice but to create this new exciting TV and elevate some short folk. Because they don't currently have the star power to coast, I think he means. * Triple H was in surprisingly good spirits last Tuesday before his flight off to the surgery. Maybe it was the morphine. Anyhoo, no one Jim knows will work harder than the Game at coming back better. Nope, not even Rock, despite how desperate he must be to leave the movie industry behind him. * Some people say that big ol' horrible injuries don't only make for great TV and classic video moments that you'll want to rewind and watch over and over again to spot the exact point in time the damage happens, but they also provide opportunity for others to step up to the plate. Jim Ross is really interested in seeing who it will be. Man, I'm sure Mideon was just *waiting* for one of these opportunities so he could move in and claim his rightful top spot, and now when it finally arrives he's no longer with the company. Bummer. * Al Snow has been sent to do some work with the development talent down there. Down where? In Memphis. Others who are part of the same "unbooked" heap of wrestlers will also be given duties similar to Al's. EM PLEH indeed. * See, you have to imagine that the P, L, and Es above are flipped the other way, so it looks like the writing on his forehead. Follow? Good. * WHOO BY GOD! The WWF are WHOO BY GOD interested in hiring WHOO BY GOD Flair! But it's not WHOO BY GOD Ric, but rather young David. BOO WHY GOD!? * "Big Nashy" Russ McCollough is hanging about in his home in Kansas, and if he gets bored enough might have to liven things up by having his knee scoped. There's this MCL tear that might need to be addressed, you know. First the look, now the knee problems. This guy is like Jennifer Jason Leigh to Kevin Nash's Bridget Fonda. * !!! PAGE BREAK !!! * The Undertaker was not on SmackDown!, instead heading to Houston to attend to a family member who is one ill playa. Good thing Undertaker showed good faith and actually believed that there was an emergency when he got the call, because we all know the story of the Boy Who Cried Family Emergency But Was Only Joking. The 'Taker was not saddened by the news that he'd be left out of the King of the Ring main event and has been supportive of the new creative direction, contrary to what uninformed sources have said. For a split second there, it looked to me like Ross had written "uniformed" sources, which then led me to hour-long reveries of Wade Keller in a full general's outfit, screaming out orders to his (also uniformed) loyal compadres Bruce Mitchell and Jason Powell. "WE MUST COMPLETE THIS MISSION! WE MUST DEFEAT THE EVIL OBSERVER TROOPS!" Anyway, it said "uninformed". The Dead Dude is very involved in some new issues that look excellent on paper. I can certainly relate, because once when I got a new issue of a magazine etched into a stone tablet in the mail, I said to myself "This would look excellent on paper." And that's how modern day printing came about. * Jimbo says there's hope that Tommy Dreamer will be on the roster within a few weeks. THAT SPINELESS BASTARD! * Well, I don't really know whether he is a bastard or was born within the holy bondage of marriage. But I'm fairly certain his spine is completely gone. * Rikishi will back that ass up to Dr. Jim-Bob Andrews next week in order to take a look at that shoulder injury. Surgery is planned for next week as well, and it seems there is a huge conspiracy among those who do not want to see a reunited Too Cool/Too Phat dance session. There's no telling how widespread this conspiracy is, but it's abundantly clear that those involved will stop at nothing to prevent it from happening. Speaking of which... * Scotty II Hotty has been cleared to return to action. Of course. He'll work a while in OVW to get rid of the ring- and dance-rust. I think Grandmaster Sexay needs to watch out so he doesn't "accidentally" gets run over by a steamroller at some point in time when Rikishi's return is nearing. I also think I need to call Oliver Stone to finalize that deal we talked about. * Kongratulations to Christian and his bride-to-be. They'll hitch up Friday night in Florida, and as always I'm not sure whether that means the Friday that Ross wrote it or the one after. The bride, by the way, is German. "ACHTUNG ACHTUNG! Do you, Kraut Woman, take this Kristian Kage to be your lawfully vedded husband?" "Jawohl!" "Und do you, Kristian Kage, take this Kraut Woman to be your lawfully vedded wife?" "Totally!" "I now prrronounce you husband und Fraü! You may kiss the brrrride! RAUS!!" * Have I read "Foley is Good" yet? I've got to check it out! * Bidniss is sure to pick up in Salt Lake "but if it's salt, can it really be a lake?" City and Vancouver for a couple of house shows over the weekend. Benoit & Jericho take on Austin and Regal, and I am fairly certain that Jericho tapping out to the Regal Stretch will be the finish. I mean, that's the only one that seems likely, considering the standings of the participants, the Canadian crowd, and the fact that the tag team belts may be up for grabs. Yep, I do believe we'll see new champs crowned. * It's the event you've all been waiting for! The Superbowl of wrestling-related celebrity golf tournaments! It has a very catchy name in "Sgt Slaughter's Golf Tournament"! And it'll be on May 31st to June 2nd at the Doral Country Club in Miami. Participants will be The Undertaker, who I'm sure will ride his Harley between holes; the Hardyz, who'll prove that you *can* be suicidal in playing golf; Lita and Terri, who'll introduce visible thong-wearing and incredibly skimpy outfits to the world of golf; the Big Boss Man, who might do the same; and the foursome everyone will come to see: Michael Hayes, Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman, and Kevin Kelly. * !!! PAGE BREAK !!! * Crowds in Edmonton and Calgary (for RAW and SmackDown!) should be hot and bothered and ready for some WWF action after about a year without them there live. Jimbo's looking forward to visiting with some of the Harts when they go to Calgary. He needs to be careful, because if you're friendly with some of the Harts, you've immideately made enemies with some other Harts. And vice versa. He hopes they can do something nice for Stu, who's made so many contributions to the business. The marriage to Helen and Stu's powerful sperm spawned about half of the Stampede roster back in the day, for instance. * D'Lo, C'Haz, and T'iger A'li are getting good reviews down in Puerto Rico's IWA. That likely means that they don't become tattle-tales when witnessing stab-murders in the locker room, I'd imagine. Pete Gas is only learning his craft, but it really trying... to survive. * UPW's Nathan Jones and Jon Heidenreich may soon be ready to take that big leap, to move up, to leave the small arenas behind and finally prove themselves in the big leagues, to climb the ladder of success all the way up... to Ohio Valley Wrestling. * "Reorganization of talents" is underway is underway, and changes should be evident soon. By evident I think he means mentioned in the Ross Report. * Pimpin' ain't easy! Still, Ross gives a valiant effort: "I’ve really enjoyed the past few days here in Oklahoma visiting family and friends. Daughter Kasi is getting “hitched” Saturday while daughter Amanda is kicking butt at Tulsa University as a film major with an English minor." That's well and good with the asskicking and the film majoring, Jimbo, but enclose a picture next week and if I like what I see I'll get back with you. * Sayonara.
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