i'm still not sure of most things..and it's mainly that i can't feel anybody is really interesting in knowing. I know i have certain friends that are better than others, but how do i know which are which? I Just wish there were someone out there for me - that understands me , listens to my often rambling speech patterns, and remark at the right times to offer some solitude, rather than me talking at a blank wall who i'm sure is not taking notes as diligently as i'd like. most people just don't know what i'm really about. they see a façade that i can't do anything about. i can't help that i'm smart, but i don't always feet smart. I feel smart in my prep classes, and i feel very below average in the honors classes. I don't feel very bright in chemistry, but oh well. It's only 3 more months of it. i worry too much. there's a shocker. and in the presence of my constant state of worrying, i often notice that i am too nice to people because i'm worried for their sake as well as my own. I know there's little i can control, but i'd rather get on peoples' good sides, rather than their bad or indifferent ones. even the people i express great dislike for, i don't make it known to them. i'm sure elise has no concept of me hating her, or a few other people i can't quite remember at the moment. i have to understand i can't control anybody but myself, and if they want to take what i've done the wrong way and instead of praising me, they torment me, then so be it. as long as i ignore everyone else's petty imagery, then i can be well suited for myself. i'll know that i'm on a higher plateau than them, and they're just one step short of climbing up and poking a flag through my forhead, for which i'm sure they would do if offered a seldom chance. Yes, you could say you conquered my insecurities, but it's you who is the more insecure and has the lower self esteem. they often put in flags that are too large, and the person (such as myself) can use the flag of self esteem and climb up it and jump to safer lands. they don't see it. or maybe nobody does and i just have some sort of non-x, rather aboveall knowledge, or eye power. when people are jerks, it's not for themselves. once they've done it more than twice, they know the feeling and are then doing it for their friends. Friends though. What can we call them but relyers for only a short time. True friends are not found with flags in hand, yet flags in their foreheads. you can't worry about what people think. i do what i do because i think it's a wise idea. I can't control anyone else, nobody holding flags can control their friends, nor vice versa. they could say it would be amusing for them to do a certain cruel deed, and then be praised for fulfilling that. but they're impressing a hand with a flag. if you're always trying to please somebody else, you can never truly please yourself. if you do things because other people say so or think t hey're good, then you will never be pleasing yourself and knowing who you really are. How could you not be you? it's quite simple and overly common. i notice it everywhere, and yes i am rather biased seeing as i am myself (can i help that?), i see my own maturity and know that above all it's pleasing me, before it pleases anybody else. it's never going to please people with flags, they're stationed out in the fields of life ready to cling on to you like a leech and not let go til they've gotten their share of blood. It seems all too simple and most people forget what makes them them..and maybe it's better they forget, rather than remember and be faced with the reality that they're so alone in the world. They're more alone then a person with no friends. A person with no friends has more friends than anyone on earth. They don't have to please a single person aside from themselves and don't have to impress or take anyone's word for anything. They've probabaly been hit with a flag in the head many times, but when they know they have a tight grasp on that fluttering flag, able to pull it out at any second and not have anyone to worry about reacting to them, they're on that plateau looking down on the heads of the unblemished skulls, seeing what could be the beginning of the end.