THE WYRM . No 4. Todays episode - All the little Turds I was hanging out in the public toliets with george michael over the weekend, we waxed philiscophicaly for a while.. I was taking a dump, he was cruising for some action. Fortuantly i'm really ugly and over the age of consent so he had no intrest in me. I sat upon the porcalin dias straining to egest and eventully my spinchter came caving in and low and behold - shit. This got me thinking about the 1st years. I realise i have only focused on the 'fresh from high school' turd but i have limited space here people. I readily acknowedge their are middle aged turds, ethnic minority turds and so on. '1st years' are all over campus, if you cant pick out a '1st year' you proberlly are one. If you do find yourself trapped with one I suggest you run as fast as you can, you've only just managed to convice yourself how 'mature' and 'sophisitcated' you have become- the last thing you need is a reminder of how stupid you used to act/look. For the purpose of this article we shall call the 1st years 'turds'. Ever noticed the turd's who walk around rejoicing in the fact they can smoke. Yes thats right Mr morrision is not going to jump from the bushes and hand out detention slips. Even more amusing are the 'teeno hardmen' who delight in swearing a blue streak because no-one tells them off about it. If you ask me, the size of a mans penis is directly related to the size of his vocabulary. No longer is Johnny football hero the biggest stud in town, there are so many guys on campus and according to George some of them are really cute and posses some level of inteeligence. (as intelligent as males can be). unfrotuanly johnnys alpha male status at high school wont do he much good here as virtually no-one knows or cares about him. And his over inflated ego will likley cause him to chase after women who will laugh at his pathetic attempt at facial hair. Jhonny will have to develop character and muster some amounts of charm to increase his chances. Some uni women acutually care about a guy's mind and character. (I said some). Then There's the turd beauty queens who arrive from high school with ego's higher than Nandor on new years eve. They soon find they are not the only bus in service. Uni is full of super sexy women, and this can be a real shock for the town bike from Tokoroa, all of a sudden she is not the centre of attention. Babe competition is fierce and as a concqueece skirts get shorter and tops smaller by the year. Nerdus Maaximus faces all new challenges at uni. No longer can nthey be the smartest kid in school. The brain can only take so much knowledge at one time and no matter how badly they want to outsmart the professor they will have some serious study to do. Although most are still convicned they are smarter than the lecurers, but who is getting paid to be smart?, and who is paying to be smart? I realize all the art student's brain's just exploded. (hate mail care of nexus) No matter how intelligent, beautful, funny or talanted he/she was at high school chances are the turd will face oposistion at univeristy. Some of the finest minds and bodies in the country ply their trade here (I said Some). But waikato is not all baywatch and robot wars. National geographic escapees roam the campus between milkings, their udders wobbeling in the wind. There are people doing computer science who can't even operare vedning machines, men who look like women and women who look like men. These people keep life interesting, it really would suck if we were all pretty and smart (who would we make fun of?). But take solice in the knowledge that you turds will one day look down upon a fresher batch of turds and treat them like the shit they are. By the way i am a turd. (shock!) I enjoy being a turd, and I intend to be the biggest, smelliest turd of the lot. Wisdom: If practise makes perfect but nobody's perfect - then why practise at all? -Wyrm