About this poem

Chris Hoge and I both worked as counselors at Camp Glenkirk for a few summers, and one time we decided to write a poem that people who had worked at the camp would really enjoy. This is what we came up with. At Camp Glenkirk we read a lot of stories to the kids, including Dr. Suess books, so we decided to imitate the style of Dr. Suess in this poem.

All persons (except the campers) and places mentioned in the poem are REAL, and it's the kind of thing that's much more entertaining if you know all the references and inside jokes. In fact, if you've never been to Glenkirk, you'll probably find it pretty dull.

If any ex-Glenkirk counselors stumble across this on the web, I'd love to hear from you. And Chris probably wouldn't mind hearing from you either.

A Poem

by Thomas Hastings and Chris Hoge, 1990 (?)

Sit down and I'll tell you a story I know,
that happened to me just a while ago.
I worked at Camp Glenkirk the whole summer long,
but one certain week things went horribly wrong.

Connie and I were in Village B,
with some third graders that really frustrated me.
There were only six children, for only three days,
which was all I could handle for what Glenkirk pays.

But the kids were so mean to each other all day,
they made my life miserable in every way.
And to make matters worse, they were all so darn fat
that they splintered the benches wherever they sat.

One of our campers, named Jimmy Darivy,
got big bleeding blisters when near poison ivy.
And one little girl named Molly McLain
proved again and again she was not toilet trained.

After Monday night campfire, we went straight to bed.
I felt so exhausted I wished I was dead.
But, "tomorrow is bound to be better," I said.
Little did I know what was lying ahead.

A camper awoke me at quarter past three,
"Johnny," I groaned, "if you have to go pee..."
"Hold it!" he cried, "and listen to me!
"You'd better come up to the Old Oak Tree!"

I could tell by his face that it wasn't a joke.
As we ran through the darkness to get to the oak,
the kid was so nervous he started to shake,
and he whimpered, "We're sorry, it was a mistake!"

As it turned out, the campers had left in the night,
found their way to the oak with a stolen flashlight,
and climbed up the tree to the branch on the right.

The last camper up was young PeeWee O'Punch,
the fattest, most overweight kid of the bunch.
And, because he had had eighteen hot dogs for lunch,
when he put his weight down, they all heard a loud crunch.
The kids were so fat and the tree was so old
that the branch snapped right off -- it just couldn't hold!

The kids tumbled down to the ground without harm -
but then looked back up at the tree with alarm.
Without that big branch, the tree was off balance,
and couldn't make up for the lost weight allowance.
The branches flew off and were scattered around
with the impact the tree made when hitting the ground.

And that's how it looked as we entered the scene.
It looked pretty bad, if you know what I mean.
The tree which had stood there for two-hundred years
was ruined, confirming the worst of my fears.

"My goodness!" said Connie, "Now what'll we do?
If Truman discovers this, our jobs are through!"
The kids all felt guilty; one started to cry.
They said, "We'll be good from now on. Or we'll try."
"Don't tell a soul," I said, "and here's why:
We'll secretly get a new tree if we can.
You go back to bed. I'll develop a plan."

I woke the next day in a most sour mood,
and went by myself to go pick up our food.
On the way to the lodge, I ran into Ray,
who grinned at me like he had something to say.

"Good morning," he said. "Guess what someone told me?
I hear that your kids went and killed the oak tree!!"
I couldn't believe it, now, how did he know?!?!
The tree had been standing six hours ago!

"Well I heard it from Jerry, who heard it from Pam,
who heard it from Myra Hope, Debbie and Anne.
Anne heard it from Scott, who heard it from Stu,
who heard it from Marya and Jennifer, too.
Jennifer heard it from Ev and from John,
and from Stephanie. Geez, I could go on and on!
And everyone ended up telling Dave Wu.
I think maybe all of this started with Hugh.
And how did he know? Well, I guess he just knew!
But don't worry," he smiled as he started to shout.
"TRUMAN AND MARCIA WILL NEVER FIND OUT!"

All through the day I perfected our plan,
then just after midnight, the adventure began.
"Wake up, kids," I whispered, "and put on your shoes!
It's time to go down and unlock the canoes."

I carefully pushed upon Marcia's screen door,
and took the canoe key out of the desk drawer.
While my co handed out to each kid a life jacket,
I unchained the canoes without making a racket.

And, carrying as much as each camper could take,
we carried down seven canoes to the lake.

"Okay, kids," I said. "You all know what to do!
I've already gone through the plan with you."
Then one kid looked up and he said, "Well, that's true --
Except that we still don't know how to canoe!"

So my co and I taught the kids all that we knew,
like resting the paddle on top of your shoe.
The technical terms, the bow and the stern,
and, of course, all the strokes that they needed to learn.
Forwards and backwards, the pry and the draw,
the C-stroke, the J-stroke, they mastered them all.
We taught them so well that our trip was the fastess
that I've ever seen made across Lake Manassas.

The minute we climbed out and onto the shore,
we turned on our lights and began to explore.
We were trying to locate another old oak
to switch with the one that our campers had broke.

An oak just the right shape, and just the right height,
and we searched and we searched, but try as we might,
we just couldn't find one. We looked everywhere.
We were almost about to give up in despair
when one camper yelled "Hey guys, look over there!"
We looked where he pointed, and what did we see?
A duplicate replica of the old tree!

We got out our shovels and started to dig
out the roots of the tree. And man, was it big!
But we worked just as hard and as fast as could be,
till we dug out the dirt and the roots were all free.
Then we got in a group on one side of the tree
and I yelled, "Okay kids, here we go! One! Two! Three!"

We pushed. The tree toppled and then hit the ground,
then rolled into the lake with a soft sploshy sound.
We brought the canoes to where the tree was afloat,
tied a rope from a branch of the tree to each boat.
And when all of the tying was finished, we had us
a seven-boat towing canoe apparatus.

We towed the tree back, put away the canoes,
and ran back down the hill. We had no time to lose.

"The eight of us must work together," I said.
We lifted -- and strained, till our faces were red.
Our bodies were trembling, our shoulders were shaking,
our foreheads were sweating, our ankles were aching.
But even though it felt as heavy as lead,
we lifted the oak tree and stumbled ahead.

Our progress was slow -- we were doing our best.
We made it to Marcia's but needed a rest.
We quietly, carefully set down the tree,
and I slipped into the cabin to put back the key.

Marcia was sleeping, I heard her snore.
But I stumbled as I made my way out the door.
I heard Marcia groan and roll over in bed.
"We'd better have someone stand guard here," I said.
"If Marcia wakes up," I told one boy named Dan,
"Come find us and warn us as soon as you can."

We carried on, but, to my deepest regret,
got the tree tangled up in the volleyball net.
Yet we kept every leaf as we pulled it away,
and had gotten as far as the bridge before A,
when Danny caught up with us and started to say,
"Marcia woke up and she's coming this way!
You guys were too noisy -- she's practically here!"
We stood there in silence, our hearts full of fear.

Then a camper spoke up -- it was Jimmy Darivy,
who got big bleeding blisters when near poison ivy.
"I'll save us!" he cried, as he rolled up his sleeves
and dove into a patch of the poisonous leaves.

He rubbed poison ivy right into his face,
his neck and his arms and all over the place.
"I'll say I was sleepwalking from Village A,"
he explained, "This is bound to create a delay."

As he went to stop Marcia and save us from trouble
we could already see his skin starting to bubble.
And we heard Marcia ask as she took him away,
"About how much water have you had today?"

Alone once again, we all picked up the tree
and walked on, past the trail that would lead us to G.
We were tired, but still we were doing just fine,
until we got to the AT&T line.

We were halfway across when a light from the end
of the road made us look. A car rounded the bend!
It was Truman! We panicked! As quick as we coulds,
we hustled the massive tree into the woods.

We hadn't been seen, but we made such a clatter
that Truman just had to look into the matter.
He got out of his car and was walking right to us.
A building sensation of terror went through us.

Then I said, "Oh wait! I know just how we'll fight him!
In my pocket I have a particular item.
We need to create a diverting action,
and what I have here is the perfect distraction.

I took out a rock that resembled a toad,
and put it down right at the edge of the road.
"Now don't let him see you!" I said in a hush
as we all tiptoed backwards and hid in the brush.
Truman came by and looked down at his feet.
"Oh Wow!" he said. "How clever! How neat!
I'll stay here and ponder this rock for a while."
And he sat down and lit up his pipe with a smile.
I glanced back as we left and could see through the night,
that he took out his notebook and started to write.

We went through the forest as quiet as could be,
considering we were dragging a seven-ton tree.
And finally, working as hard as we could,
we got to the spot where the old tree once stood.
"Okay, kids, we're here. Work together, because
we must put this new tree where the other one was."

With the roots in the hole, the tree lay on its side.
Every one of us pushed, and we tried, and we tried,
but the tree wouldn't budge. No, we just couldn't do it.
"Come on, fatsos!" I yelled, "Put some muscle into it!

But the kids were so fat and so weak and so tired
that they just sat down in the dirt and perspired.
(And now I was sure I was gonna get fired.)

And I thought there was no way for things to get worse
until Jimmy Darivy came back from the nurse.
"They're both right behind me," he said, "and I reckon
they're going so fast they'll be here any secon'!"

'Twas the moment of truth. Only one thing to do.
And I yelled, "If we can't get it in now then we're through!"
All together, we pushed. The tree flew up with ease,
and it blended right in with the neighboring trees.

We turned it a little and it looked okay,
but Truman and Marcia were coming our way.
"Quickly!" I whispered. "We're just about through!
Make it look perfect! You know what to do."

So we filled in the dirt, and to pack it down tight,
we stomped all around it with all of our might,
and transplanted some grass so the scene would look right,
and put up a new rope and we tied it on tight.

But now they were only a few feet away.
"I think someone's out here," I heard Marcia say.

"We've all got to hide! Okay, Village B,
I want every one of you into this tree!"
My words triggered off an incredible scamper,
and the tree was the hiding place for every camper.

But then I looked down and saw PeeWee O'Punch,
the fattest, most overweight kid of the bunch.
That day he'd had twelve Davy Crockett's for dinner,
plus seventeen S'mores. He was getting no thinner.
He just couldn't manage to get up the tree.
I saw things were hopeless, without help from me.
I hung upside-down from the branch on the right
and reached down to PeeWee as I saw Truman's light
which was now pointed towards us. I grabbed the kid's neck and
I lifted him up, at the very last second.
The beam from the flashlight just missed PeeWee's toes
as I lifted him into the tree. We all froze.

Truman and Marcia looked all around.
There was nobody moving. There wasn't a sound.
Their light scanned the branches in all of the trees.
"Oh well," Truman said, "Must've just been the breeze."

As the two of them walked off beneath the dark sky,
All of us in the tree let out one big, big sigh.

We took the wood from the original tree
and stored it all back in our hogans at B.
With the wood in there too it was quite a tight fit,
but at least we had wood for our ham-in-the-pit.



Back to the main page