6/2/2008 7:59 PM-
Had “disassembled” the main valve assembly off of the swimming pool filter unit, & cleaned it up. Tomorrow morning, I will have to get all the “packed” Filtration Sand out of the filter unit, & clean up the inside of it with detergent, & “let it dry”, before filling it up with “clean” Filtration Sand.
6/3/2008 8:13 AM-
Just got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. Last night I was in “Hyper-Wetting Mode”, both due to yesterday’s fluid intake, & due to the effect of Lexapro on my body. Interstitial Cystitis is a nasty little side-effect of Lexapro, & with me, it has been going on for a long time, due to its effect on Seratonin Neurotransmitter “levels” throughout my entire body.
Anyway, I am washing my pee-pee filled bed sheet & one of my “rubberized cloth” reusable absorbent bed pads I have to sleep on every single night.
6/3/2008 9:43 AM-
Had just finished cleaning out the inside of the swimming pool filter unit, using detergent, & &I am going to let it dry out. I then watered the garden.
6/4/2008 6:19 PM-
Yesterday, I did by usual routine of going up to the Derry Community Television CATV Studio, to edit the last footage I shot for Derry CTV this past Saturday.
6/4/2008 6:21 PM-
Pardon my own internet research, but I found quite a few references to the old Hanna-Barbara Cartoon “The Herculoids” from the late 1960’s. “Zok the Dragon”, is a “Biological Directed-Energy LASER/Particle-Beam Weapons System”.
6/6/2008 7:58 PM-
Had not felt like writing for (2) days. Just did not have anything to say. Earlier this evening, while I was out @ the Kelley Library reading my e-mail, there was a “Get Rich Quick Scam”, that originated from an e-mail address @ the following URL:
This is the Website of the now deceased “radical” Religious Right TV Preacher, & virulently homophobic person, “Reverend Jerry Falwell”. The e-mail extension used, “originated from there”. I suspect, that the www.liberty.edu website, was a “front”, for a “Money Scam Scheme”, originating out of Lagos, Nigeria.
Many of these “Nigerian Money Scams”, are “directed” through “legitimate” websites, as a means of “trying to hide where their originating computer is located”.
6/8/2008 2:54 PM-
Today was “Children’s Sunday @ church, & this year, every single 1st, 2nd, & 3rd Grade Sunday School Child, was given a “new” Bible of their very own, by Reverend Ferguson.
On my way home from church, I purchased “sugarless” Ice Cream, per Nate’s instructions, for Dessert. Sunday Dinner today was just Baked Pork, Boiled Potatoes, & Carrots. After Sunday Dinner, I did take a nap for “sensory down time”, but it was a bit uncomfortable there in my own bedroom, due to my bedroom, only being “cooled by a window fan”. I did “comfort myself, with my small “Muumi”, the “Moomin Troll” cuddle toy, that my autistic Pen Pal friend, “Stefan” sent to me a couple years ago. I deeply love touching & hugging things that are “very soft”.
6/8/2008 5:15 PM-
Earlier, Nate had me go out in my Ute over to the McCholesterol Burger Joint for Cheeseburgers for Supper for him, Dad, & I. On my way over there, I stopped into the Target Department Store, to purchase another needed package of “Baby Wipes” to cleanse myself during diaper changes.
After Supper, I watched an episode of that old Saturday morning Kid-vid cartoon from 1975, “Return to the Planet of the Apes”. Before I went out in my Ute to purchase Baby Wipes & Cheeseburgers, I had watched an episode of the old Anime Sci-Fi Cartoon, “Robotech” here on my computer.
6/8/2008 7:46 PM-
Have been quiet the last 2 ½ hours. I did go outside earlier, & shot a few more frames of 35mm film, with my Chinon CS 35mm SLR camera, only of flowers in our yard. Nate & I are “running behind”, in getting the swimming pool “Open for the Summer”. Plus, I still have to finish mowing our lawn. That will be done in the early morning, before it gets “too hot outside” to do any yard work.
6/9/2008 9:48 AM-
The temperature must be around 95°F, & I was just simply “severely overheating” while outside, trying to finish mowing the lawn for Dad.
6/9/2008 2:12 PM-
I “feel weak”, after having a nap. Nate has most of the cover off of the swimming pool, & the water in the swimming pool, is simply “green-brown crud”.L
6/9/2008 2:32 PM-
Nate had not woken me from my nap to assist him with removing the cover to the swimming pool earlier. Right now, he is taking a nap.
6/9/2008 2:52 PM-
The swimming pool water “is a mess”, & yet, Nate is not “pissed off about it”. Anyway, @ the rate we are getting the task of getting the swimming pool ready to use, it will be almost July, before I can go swimming.
6/9/2008 3:17 PM-
I guess that I have to continue washing dirty laundry. This will be dirty laundry load #4 in the clothes washing machine today.
6/9/2008 7:14 PM-
I just arrived back home, from going to the bank, to pull out “more money” for “Petrol & Adult Diapers, Ect.”. @ least, I returned e-mail messages to Jim, Scott, & Francisco, who also have Asperger’s Syndrome. I should not have taken more money out of my Savings Account, before my next Disability Retirement Cheque arrives, but I need Petrol & Diapers, & “Super-Large Disposable Bed Pads” to sleep on @ night & @ nap times.
I did also just go over to the “Best Buy Consumer Electronics Store” on NH Route 28 here in town, but just did not purchase anything, like another DVD for my collection of “old” television shows. With the “changeover” to 100% “Digital Broadcasting” next year, by February 17, 2008, per FCC Directives, my 27” “Analog” television receiver unit will be “junk”. I did apply for (2) of those “$40.00¢ Voucher Coupons”, to purchase (2) Digital to Analog “Converter Boxes”, but “They never showed up in the mail”. Instead, It will cost me probably around $200.00¢, to purchase (2) of those “Special Converter Boxes” – out of my own “personal pocket”.L
As far as “I see it”, the US FCC (Federal Communications Commission), “Flim-Flamed” a “retired” developmentally-disabled autistic adult like me, out of $80.00¢.
6/9/2008 7:44 PM-
I just finished filling the swimming pool filter unit with “new” clean sand.
Not sure why, but I find myself feeling sad again. I am worrying a lot about whether or not in the future, I will be able to keep driving my Ute, that does not use as much Petrol, as those “big” SUV’s. I am also feeling sad, about Dad’s “deteriorating” physical health. Eventually, Dad will end-up having his left leg amputated due to Diabetic “complications”.
6/10/2008 8:12 AM-
This morning, I myself have to finish assembling the swimming pool water circulation/filtration system. Upstairs, Nate is still not awake to assist me. As for the outside air temperature, it will be “hotter than yesterday”.
6/10/2008 8:18 AM-
Pulled a “diet” Soda Pop out of the Mini-Refrigerator here in the Den, because I need some Caffeine to “stimulate” me this morning.
6/10/2008 9:05 AM-
It is taking me a while, to find all the smaller piece parts for the swimming pool water circulation/filtration system. They all, never seem to be put in “1 place”, every Autumn, when we close the swimming pool down for the Winter.
6/10/2008 9:40 AM-
Except for “filling the swimming pool” with more water, I have the water circulation/filtration pump all assembled “correctly”.
6/10/2008 11:16 AM-
Just had Lunch. Nate sent me out for “Fast-Food” for the (3) of us men here @ home, after Nate & I finally got the Winter cover off of the swimming pool. After Lunch, I “changed my clothes” into “something clean to wear for going out down to Danvers, MA, to meet with other adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.
6/10/2008 12:06 PM-
Spent the last 50 minutes, “watering” all of Nate’s darn potted plants, ect., “by hand”. Now I am “feeling very weak”, physically, from exerting myself in the sunshine. Due to both the Lexapro SSRI-Type Antidepressant, & Lipitor Anti-Cholesterol medications I have to take every day, these past (3) years, the “cumulative” effect of this compination of medicines in my body, has “severely lowered” my own “tolerance” for physical activity, such as getting outdoor chores done, in Summer weather.L
Of course, right now, Nate is out “running errands” for Dad.
Anyway, @ least the swimming pool is getting filled with water to the “correct” depth right now. Nate will have to “work on the issue”, of “killing off” all the “green-brown algal crud” in the swimming pool water. It is a “yucky mess”. L
6/10/2008 1:05 PM-
Had just assisted Nate in bringing in the groceries he purchased for Dad.
6/11/2008 1:54 PM-
I find myself feeling very “hyper-angry” that the Mailman has not “shown up yet”. I need my damn SSDI “Disability Retirement Cheque”, “today”, as a Developmentally Disabled Adult, to “Pay Bills”, ect.
6/11/2008 2:01 PM-
One problem with being on an SSRI-Type Antidepressant, is that it may have “reduced the # of “nasty emotional autistic temper tantrums” I have, but not their “intensity”.
6/11/2008 2:21 PM-
Well, I am “running out of adult diapers”, plus my Ute needs Petrol, & that damn Mailman has not “shown up yet”, with my Monthly SSDI Cheque.
Also, if I do not get the damn laundry “done myself”, it will “never get done”. Plus, the damn Kitchen upstairs “looks like a shit-hole”.
6/12/2008 9:47 AM-
I guess that yesterday afternoon, I was in “Autistic Temper Tantrum Mode”. & it was all over the “little” annoyance, that the Mailman changed the time of “mail delivery” on our street, from before Noon Time, to almost 4:00 PM.I “hate changes” being made, because it “really throws off”, my “hyper-rigid” “rote” memory of “routines/procedures” of when “things occur – or are supposed to occur”.
My “Temper Tantrum”, I guess “spilled-over” into the fact that the water in our swimming pool, is “unfit” to swim in, for the time being.
This morning, I did find the pool filter unit “drain stopcock plug”, and I have switched on the power to the swimming pool water filtration system.
6/12/2008 5:23 PM-
Had Supper a short time ago. Frozen Chicken (processed), Boiled Potatoes, & a Salad. Nate went out for a while, & Dad is “resting”, but in pain in both his legs, as usual. Here in the Den room, on my computer, I am watching the 1st episode of the old “Action Adventure TV Show from the 1960’s, “I SPY”, starring actors “Bill Cosby & Robert Culp”. It is interesting, that as an autistic adult, I like watching “old” TV shows. “I SPY” was originally on TV, when I was only 7 years old!
6/13/2008 8:26 AM-
I guess that I will need to do some vacuuming of the floors/carpets upstairs, because it need to get done. As usual, Nate is @ his part-time Summer job this morning.
6/13/2008 9:28 AM-
Vacuumed the Kitchen/Dining area for Dad, & the upstairs bedroom/bathroom hallway too.
Yesterday evening, I simply “doodled” this here on my computer, because I had gotten “intellectually bored”.
6/14/2008 9:32 AM
Had just arrived back home from taking all our household trash/recyclables to the Refuse collection Center on Shannon Road, & going to my Bank, to “transfer” funds into my Chequing Account to pay bills of my own.
Anyway, @ least the Kitchen Sink is cleared out for Dad. Right now, I am washing dirty laundry for him.
6/15/2008 4:31 PM-
Have been doing house chores, after having a quiet Sunday Afternoon Naptime. Nate is off somewhere, using Dad’s 2008 Dodge Caliber Sedan, & Dad is upstairs “resting” again.
Sunday Dinner today, was Meatloaf, Boiled Potatoes, & Carrots. Nate went out for Cheeseburgers for Supper, before he left after Supper.
This afternoon, I did watch an episode of that old Sci-Fi TV Show, “SeaQuest: DSV” here on my computer, before Supper.
6/15/2008 4:54 PM-
Just trying to entertain myself by watching cartoons on DVD here on my computer. @ least, the “old” cartoon, “She-Ra: Princess of Power”, made in the 1980’s, is better than the garbage out now on the “Cartoon Network”.
6/16/2008 8:27 AM-
It has been raining more outside. After getting myself cleaned up, diapered, & dressed for the day, I made sure, that the swimming pool’s water circulation pump was turned back on for the day.
Yesterday evening before bedtime, I watched my DVD of “Chased By Dinosaurs”, hosted by Zoologist “Nigel Marvin” on my 27” television. While watching this program, I mutely played with some of my baby toys.
6/16/2008 8:50 AM-
Had to rush upstairs, & I barely “made it” onto the potty chair, to poop. I get no warning whatsoever, when poop (or pee-pee) start coming out.
Anyway, a short time ago, I videotaped more footage of the “wild” Rabbit, that frequents our backyard. It is a “Doe”, with “2 Kittens”. I did get footage of the Doe’s Kittens yesterday evening.
6/16/2008 1:42 PM-
Nate needs me to purchase Milk, Orange Juice, & Cheese, after going over to the Kelley Library to read my e-mail. Anyway, I just changed my diaper again, after having an afternoon naptime. This morning before Lunch, I watched the 2nd episode of the old 1960’s TV Show, “I SPY” on Dad’s Television in the Parlour.
6/16/2008 5:37 PM-
As an autistic adult, “self reflection”, is difficult for me to do. I was just thinking, that although my own sexual orientation is “Gay”, I am & always have been “celibate”. I also do not live any so-called “Gay Lifestyle”, which the Religious right “rails from the Pulpit about” all the time. In the entire State of New Hampshire, I myself know of no other middle-aged gay men like myself. I suppose, that I am “alone”.
I am still sexually, a “virgin”, to use that term.
My own life only revolves around spending time @ home, working on my computer, reading my books, watching my DVD’s, playing with my children’s toys, doing chores for my Dad, volunteering for Derry Community Television & @ my church.
Just no being what the “Christian Religious Right”, refers to being an extremely evil & satanic person.
It has been asked of me, a developmentally disabled autistic adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, whether or not I experience an internal mind-state called “loneliness”. I suppose, that I would say both “Yes & No”, @ the “same time”. I do have Non-Face-To-Face friendships with other autistic adults, like “Stefan”, “Keven”, “Jim”, “Francisco”, & “Scott”. Plus, there are the “familiars” I encounter @ church & up @ the Derry CTV Studio. Last week, @ the www.aane.org “bowling Night” in Danvers, Massachusetts, I bowl on the “same team”, with other Asperger’s/Autism adults, I only know their 1st names as “Neil”, “Larry”, & “Joshua”. Of those (3), “Larry” is the closest to me in biological age to me.
Yet, I prefer to just be “alone by myself”, to sit @ my computer to just work on my correspondences with other Asperger’s/Autism adults, & to do CAD drawings, ect.
6/17/2008 8:52 AM-
Need some “caffeine” to help wake myself up this morning. Last night, there was thunder & lightning, which cognitively “bothered me a bit”, while trying to sleep. Last night, I super-wetted during sleep. There is a statistic, that up to 3% of all adult hominid primates “wet their beds” @ night.
6/17/2008 11:51 AM-
Had gone out in my Ute a couple of times on “errands”. First to mail another snail-mail letter to “Francisco” in Santiago, Chile who has Asperger’s Syndrome, & to purchase “small” Sub Sandwiches for Lunch for Dad, Nate, & I, & then going out over to the Shaw’s Supermarket to purchase Milk, Egg Substitute, & today’s edition of the Manchester Union Leader newspaper.
After returning home, I decided to work on more “correspondences” with other adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, & to just “draw”, using my DESIGNCAD 2D/3D CAD Software, before I have to go out in my Ute up to Derry, to the Derry Community Television CATV Studio, where I volunteer.
6/17/2008 8:10 PM-
Simply feeling sad, that people use religion, to justify hatred against people, because they are “different”. A lot of this world’s “problems” with endemic violence, is being fueled by religion, & economic greed. Religious Faith is supposed to be a comfort to people, not a “death warrant sentence”, because there are people who do not fit the “narrow definition” many religious people make, as to “who is saved”, & who is “damned to Hell”, such as myself. Just because some religious “Leader” tells people, “God Says So”, when they say, that this group of people, or that group of people are “Going to Hell”, does not make what they say, “right & true”. A lot of America’s Religious Right Leaders, simply preach, the “Gospel of Themselves”, instead of what Jesus really said & meant. They do not “speak”, for a Christian like myself.
6/18/2008 2:57 PM-
I did mow the lawn for Dad, before I took a nap for needed sensory “down time”. Also, I am washing more dirty laundry, because, that never ends…
6/18/2008 3:31 PM-
Nate is cooking Baked Fish & French Fries for Supper. Last night’s Supper was “Pancakes”.
6/19/2008 8:24 AM-
“BEDWETTER!!!!!”
“PISSY-PANTS!!!!!”
“BABY-MAN!!!!!”
“PROFESSOR POOPY PANTS!!!!!”
“DOCTOR DIAPER!!!!!”
“Me is Mental-Retard”…
“Me is Stupid”…
Just feeling internally angry @ myself, because I am an “Adult Baby”& totally “Medically Incontinent”, both Bladder & Bowels…
6/19/2008 8:33 AM-
Just washing the “endless” pile of dirty laundry for Dad.
6/19/2008 9:44 AM-
I was just outside, “getting dirty”, planting (2) more ornamental shrubs in front of the Arbor for Nate, while he is out grocery shopping for Dad. For picture taking, & posting here on my Blog, I switched the “fixed-focus” $9.00¢ Digital Camera into “the “lowest resolution”, which takes up the “least amount” of “file space” on my own Asperger’s Web Page.
6/20/2008 12:24 PM-
Woke up this morning laying in a titanic puddle of my own pee-pee, despite being diapered. I had to wash my bedsheets, & the next load of dirty laundry, will be my Blankies. Earlier, this morning, I also cleared out the kitchen sink of dirty dishes for Dad.
It seemed strange, but this morning when I woke up, “laying in my own puddle”, I was sort-of expecting Mom to “walk in”, & start yelling @ me, about “wetting the bed”, & starting a round of “Diaper Discipline”, to “punish me” for bedwetting, which I have no control over, due to my uncontrollable “Overactive Bladder”, & “side-effects” of the Lexapro & Lipitor medications I have to take every evening before bedtime.
6/20/2008 12:36 PM-
I should be taking a nap, but besides me not “feeling like napping”, I still have to wait until my Bed Sheets, & my Blankies are washed & dried, before “making my bed” again.
6/20/2008 12:42 PM-
I was just thinking, that a few days ago, some kind of “Employment Agency Headhunter” contacted me about an “Entry-Level” Electrical Engineer “Position” nearby here in the Nutfield Area. “Employment Agency Headhunters”, really want “nothing to do with” us adults with Asperger’s Syndrome/(High-Functioning Autism), when it come to employment, despite our skills & abilities in Engineering, if some of us “autistic” adults have them.
The Employer the “Headhunter” was “recruiting for”, was that Microwave Uplink/Downlink Antenna Manufacturer, Haigh-Farr, Inc., here in Salem, New Hampshire, that “rejected me before”. Back several years ago, I was called into an interview there, & “nothing came of even bothering to go there for an employment interview.
6/20/2008 2:22 PM-
Off & on this afternoon, it has been raining. I am of course, “depressed” about having “been a failure” these last 7 years, in attempting to return into the workforce, after losing my last job, after the Terrorist Attacks of 9/11/2001.
This afternoon, Nate is out @ a doctor’s appointment of his own, & Dad is “resting” in his bedroom. Nate of course, expects me to cook Supper.
6/20/2008 4:05 PM-
Supper was “Shepard’s Pie”again…
.
6/21/2008 7:01 AM-
Today, I am cleaned up, diapered & dressed, “early”, because in a short time, I am going out in my Ute down to Watertown, Massachusetts, to a Barbecue Picnic for other adults with Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism like myself.
As a person, with the exception of over @ church, & my volunteering for Derry Community Television, I prefer to really only socialize either @ www.aane.org events or “online” via the Internet with other autistic adults like myself.
6/21/2008 7:10 AM-
As usual, like I have done for a very long time, (6) days a week, from Monday through Saturday, I do not eat breakfast. It is normal for me to just have (2) meals a day, (6) days a week, & on Sunday mornings, before church, to have my only Breakfast of the week, @ the McCholesterol in Pelham, before church.
6/21/2008 7:17 AM-
It seems, that home here is more “empty”, with my Mom now living with Lord Jesus in Heaven. The last 30+ years, we never got along with each other, but I find myself “missing” her “constant” nagging me about the way I looked, and her “complaints” about my having “Poo-Poo in my underpants” (before I went back to using “diapers” 24/7). I find myself “missing” my having to “attempt” to “make her stop spouting illogic @ me”, whenever I tried to have “conversations with her”, about subjects I preferred to talk about, as an autistic developmentally disabled person, who is a “walking encyclopedia” in a way.
6/21/2008 6:53 PM-
Had an interesting afternoon being with other Asperger’s/Autism adults, which was enjoyable for me. Afterwards, one of the www.aane.org Adult Activities organizers needed me to help transport over to the Charles Street MBTA Station, a Jewish Asperger’s adult, so he could get home. Anyway, he & I talked further, while I drove him over to the MBTA Station, which was good.
Anyway, myself and a whole lot of other Asperger’s adults, ended up talking about “everything under the Sun”, between stuffing ourselves with food. J
6/22/2008 4:03 PM-
Had just ate Supper. Nate had me go out to McCholesterol for Cheeseburgers & French Fries for the (3) of us here @ home. Today has been relatively quiet & relaxed. The humidity has been quite high & a bit uncomfortable physically, & outside, it has been raining.
This morning, the live broadcast & simultaneous DVD recording of this morning’s 10:00 AM Worship Service went well. This week, the DVD recorder did not get stuck in some endless “No Operation” Loop. & I got the disk over to the Pelham Community Television CATV Studio, for rebroadcast during the week.
Sunday Dinner @ Noon Time was “frozen” Chicken Pie with Vegetables. Afterwards, I took a nap. The cuddle friend I napped with, was “Humfrey” Bear. I also had my “big chain” of linkable teether/rattle baby toys to “manipulate in my hands or put into my mouth, for “comforting autistic sensory stimulation”.
When I woke up around 2:00 PM, I changed my “wet” diaper for the 3rd time today, & I sat on my bed, & mutely watched a bit of a “Formula 1 Car” Auto Race on WMUR-TV, Channel 9 (ABC) out of Manchester, NH, that was out in Indiana. I was “physically comfortable”, just sitting on my bed for a while, & doing “atypical” autistic “self-rocking” behavior, clad in nothing but my incontinence diaper, a vinyl bib with “Tigger” on it, & my socks. I did get dressed, because, I anticipated, that as usual, Nate would hand me a $20.00¢ “Greenback” to go out in my Ute to purchase something for Supper.
6/22/2008 4:23 PM
One thing I did before going to church, was that while I did a bit of grocery shopping for Nate & Dad, I purchased a package of “Plastic Trash Bags”, because we were “all out of them”, & I needed to put all my wet (& poopy) “little” diaper trash bags into a neater order, which I did this afternoon, before going out & purchasing Supper.
6/22/2008 4:41 PM-
I hardly shot any photographs yesterday afternoon. This is the Charles River in Watertown, Massachusetts, not far from Arsenal Park, where the Asperger’s Adult’s Barbecue Picnic was held.
&
my Ute @ that location along the Charles River.
&
this is what Arsenal Park looks like. This Recreation Park, is located behind
the Arsenal Shopping Mall, off of Arsenal Street in Watertown, Massachusetts.
6/22/2008 4:51 PM-
I just watched the 2nd Episode of “The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin” here on my computer. I suppose, that I needed to watch a child-appropriate TV program. Earlier this afternoon, there was another “Amber Alert” “Child Abduction APB (All-Points Bulletin)”, to be on the lookout for a “Very Bad Mommy & Daddy” from Everett, Massachusetts, who have been “abusing” their 10 month-old baby who is physically very sick, flashed on the television, while I was watching automobile racing.
It makes me feel very “upset”, hearing about “Very Bad Mommies & Daddies” who hurt their “little babies”.
6/22/2008 6:10 PM-
Took a few minutes, to sit down & “pay” a couple of my own Bills that arrived yesterday in the mail. Anyway, time to watch the Evening News.
6/22/2008 6:41 PM-
I guess that in the International News, Saudi Arabia, is not going to change their Crude Oil “Production Output” very much. Plus, I guess that the “Goon” running the African Country of Zimbabwe, “Dictator Robert Mugabe”, had “driven his rival” to “abandon ever trying to run for political office – ever again”, & still has an “Iron Grip” on “total temporal power” in Zimbabwe. He is “destroying his own country”, & Zimbabwe, is nothing more than a “Failed Nation State”, that has degenerated into a “Kleptocracy” @ the top, & “Lawless Social Anarchy” @ the bottom rung(s) of Zimbabwiean Society.
6/22/2008 6:53 PM-
I am not surprised that there was a news report about the Mississippi River System Flood-Control “Levee” System, is causing more “Catastrophic Flooding”, now that “Global Warming” is a “fact”. The higher the US Army Corps of Engineers “rework” the “levees” on the riverbanks, the more “catastrophic” the yearly flooding has become, especially over the past 30 years.
6/22/2008 7:01 PM-
Started washing more dirty laundry for Dad.
6/23/2008 8:25 AM-
The Battery for the RTC (Real-Time Clock) on my computer’s Motherboard, has finally “died”, because, I had to “reset” the System Time twice, in the last 2 days.
Also, a shot time ago, I assembled our swimming pool’s “ladder”, to get into & out of the swimming pool. It is of course now ready to swim in.
6/23/2008 8:37 AM-
With nothing good on “broadcast” television in the morning to watch, I am simply watching my DVD documentary, “Kingdom of David: The Saga of the Israelites”. PART III is about the conflict between the Jewish People, & the Roman Empire.
6/23/2008 8:43 AM-
King “Herod The Great” was “not a Jew”, because his own Mommy was an Arabian Princess. To the Jews, having a “Non-Jew” ruling them, instead of a “legitimate” “King”, descended from “King David Himself”, was “Religious Blasphemy”.
6/23/2008 8:49 AM-
The Essenes were an “Apocalyptic Doomsday Cult”, who preached the “End of the World”, & one of their beliefs, was that a 40 year long “All-Out War” was coming between them, the “Sons of Light”, against “everyone else in the whole world”, who they called the “Sons of Darkness”.
This of course, is “familiar”, like the “Branch Davidian Doomsday Cult”, led by “Vernon Howell”, A.K.A., “David Koresh”, who’s “immolation by fire”, back in 1992, played-out, exactly like what happened to the Essenes, during the 1st “Jewish Revolt”, which ignited when Roman Imperator “Nero” was in power. The Romans “exterminated them”, & likewise, our FBI & ATF Agents, along with the US Army, “exterminated” the “Branch Davidians”.
Another belief system, “Christian Reconstructionism” also has @ its core, “Apocalyptic Warfare”, by the “Godly”, against the “Ungodly”, until all the “Ungodly Are Exterminated”, then “Jesus Christ will return again in glory”, to “Rule the Earth”, “forever” – “with an Iron Fist”.
The “People’s Temple Cult”, led by “Reverend Jim Jones” down in Guyana, also was an Apocalyptic Doomsday Cult, inspired by the Essenes.
6/23/2008 9:05 AM-
It is interesting, that the “original model”, for “Al Queda”, “Hezbollah”, “Hamas”, & “Islamic Jihad”, are the Jewish “Zealots/Siccari”, who “assassinated” the “High Priest” of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, & ignited the 1st Jewish Rebellion in 67 A.D. It is also said, that one of the “Zealots/Siccari”, also ignited a “massive riot” among the “male” civil population of Jerusalem directed against the Roman “Occupiers”, by “heaving” a bucket of “Human Urine & Excrement” onto an Altar in one of the “neighborhood” Synagogues.
The “equivalent” of doing this today, would be, if Al Queda “hijacked” a KC-130 Refueling Tanker Aircraft, & “filled it” with “Liquified Pig Urine & Excrement”, & “sprayed” it all over the Great Mosque in Mecca, & the “Holy of Holies”, “The Kaaba”.
The “result” would be the same, except, on a “planetary scale”, all over this planet, with Muslims “rioting” everywhere, & picking up weapons, & “exterminating all the Non-Believer Infidels”.L
6/23/2008 9:24 AM-
In a scenario, like I described earlier, to “save ourselves”, as a nation, all our Nuclear Weapons “will be used”, to “carpet bomb” the whole Middle East, from Casablanca, to Kabul in “Apocalyptic Holy Fire”.
6/23/2008 9:52 AM-
It is also interesting, that Rabbinic Judaism, & Christianity “split off from each other”, in the aftermath of the 1st Jewish Rebellion against the Roman Empire.
Back then, “Rome” was the “Evil Empire”.
& who is “today’s” “Evil Empire”?
The answer is, it is “US”, as defined by Al Queda, Hezbollah, Hamas, & Islamic Jihad, the “Zealots/Siccari” of today.
6/23/2008 10:02 AM-
To “finally crush” the Bar Kochba Rebellion, Imperator Hadrian’s Legions, “exterminated” 600,000 Jews, & those that were left, were “removed @ sword-point” from Judea, & Imperator Hadrian “renamed” the region, “Palestine”.
6/23/2008 10:07 AM-
“Constantinism”, is the “form”, that Christianity took, where @ its “core”, is “violently Anti-Semitic”, which of course, became the Roman Catholic & Eastern Orthodox Church Denominations. “Constantinism” is “Politicized Christianity”, & pretty-much the same as “Fundamentalist Politicized Christianity” here in my time here in the United States.
The rest is history…& the “Thesis” of a history book, called “Constantine’s Sword”, that was published not too long ago.
6/23/2008 4:47 PM-
Supper this evening was only “Hot Dogs & Beans”. Earlier, I was out to go to my Bank to extract enough cash, to purchase another 28-count package of XL-size adult diapers, super-sized disposable bed pads, & tomorrow, I will just use the last $20.00¢ to put more Petrol into the Petrol Tank of my Ute.
6/23/2008 4:55 PM-
We are having a good “tropical” type rain storm around here, which will do the vegetation in this area some good.
6/23/2008 6:30 PM-
Just feeling sad. Nate is going to need to find “more” paid employment. As to whether he can enter the electronics industry again, given, that he has a degree in Electrical Engineering, I find myself doubting that anyone will ever “hire him”. After all, the last job he had in the electronics industry was in January of 1991, 17 years ago.
Plus my own “blacklisting” from employment everywhere in both the States of Massachusetts & New Hampshire, as a “high-functioning” developmentally disabled autistic adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, will negatively affect his prospects of obtaining employment.
6/23/2008 6:52 PM-
I was simply looking @ my own “Employment Resume”, & the only honest feeling I have, about my “Resume”, is that the only thing it is “good for”, is only as “toilet paper” to wipe my autistic developmentally disabled ass with.
Anyway, no employer in the States of New Hampshire or Massachusetts, really wanted to “even talk to me” regarding “employment”, since the Terrorist Attacks of September 11, 2001, (7) years ago.
90% of us autistic adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, are unemployed & unemployable, despite having very valuable skills & abilities.
6/23/2008 7:28 PM-
Decided to practice a few Liturgical Hymns on my “child’s” Toy Electronic Keyboard.
6/24/2008 8:32 AM-
Just got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. Last night, I had a dream about being “restrained/strapped-down” in an adult-sized Invalid Crib, & wearing nothing but a diaper, plastic pants, an “adult-sized” snap-crotch onsie, & my head was “encased” in a hockey mask/helmet, because of autistic “self-abuse hitting”. In my dream, male nurses in the “Institution” only came around to “check” regarding whether my diaper was wet or dirty, & whether I was thirsty or hungry. The male nurses in my dream only “talked to me”, as if I “were a baby”. In my dream, the only “cognitive stimulation” there was inside the “adult-sized” Invalid Crib, was an infant’s “Busy Box”, & a bunch of “linked” teethers & rattles, & a “single” very large “stuffed” Toy Bunny Rabbit.
Also in my dream, I was “not alone there”, strapped-down, & helpless in an “adult-sized” Invalid Crib, made of steel. Turning my head, & being barely able to “look over” the “juvenile print” thick bumper pad, covering the lower part of the bars of my crib, & looking through the wire cage of the “protective” hockey helmet, the nurses “made me wear”, even while strapped-down by my waist, wrists & ankles in my crib, I could see (2) other “adult-sized” Invalid Cribs on either side of me, also occupied by older adults like myself, who wore “protective” hockey helmets, & were also “autistic” self-abuse hitters, & were “strapped-down & helpless like I was. In my dream, one of them, only made sounds like a doggie friend, & the other man only screamed “NAAAAA!!!!!” over & over again “all day long”. As for me, my mind had withdrawn “deep within myself”, & I was “profoundly catatonic”, & was “cognitively overloaded” all day long, except when the nurses had me “out of my crib”, & “in a wheelchair” over in the Institution’s Day Room, where I was “dumped” in front of the television, that played nothing but “toddler-appropriate” TV shows all day long. In this “nighttime dream I had” last night, other than mutely sitting in my wheelchair (or sometimes laid-out onto the linoleum floor, on a blanket, & propped-up with pillows…) in the Day Room, was that I “comforted myself”, by well “____________ myself” in front of the other “Institution Invalid Inmates”, who themselves, were “doing that too”, while watching the toddler-appropriate television programs on the TV in the Day Room in the Institution, intermittently all day long, despite the nurses having both my hands “encased” in padded leather “thumbless mitts”, to mostly “deny me the use of my own hands/fingers”.
6/24/2008 9:21 AM-
Had added chemicals to the swimming pool for Nate, while he has gone out to the grocery store for Dad. Of course, why did I again have a nighttime dream of being “Institutionalized”, when in “real life”, “that never happened to me”, as a high-functioning developmentally disabled autistic adult?
Not sure why, but perhaps I had this dream, was that I am feeling anxiety about the future, I created this dream last night about being “cared for by others”, & “Intsitutionalized”, because I would want that done to me. As it is, I myself would readily “sign” Permanent Committal Paperwork, to “take away all my freedom”, & “live in an Institution, if it were to be with other older adults with autistic & other developmental disabilities.
6/24/2008 9:54 AM-
Just drying more clean laundry for Dad, & I have to wash more dirty laundry for him.
As an older “autistic” adult, I pretty much look like the stereotype autistic adult, “living @ home”, with no employment whatsoever”, & very few connections to the “outside world”, who just spends time “plopped in front of” a television or computer, or just reads books “all day long”…Ect.
6/24/2008 10:24 AM-
Just having an “early” Lunch of just “Potato Salad”.
6/24/2008 12:55 PM-
Just got up from resting in my bed. I spent most of the time, awake, catatonic, mute, & unmoving, staring @ 1 of my big Rattle/Activity Cubes. My mind was “empty” of any real thoughts, simply in a “neutral state”, only looking @ the colors, shapes, & patterns of my Rattle/Activity Cube Toy. I also, only “hugged” “Goo-Gee” Bear really tight to my chest all during my “Rest Period”. While hyperfocused on the tactile senstation of “Goo-Gee” Bear, and looking @ the colors, shapes, & patterns on 1 of my Activity Cubes, I had absolutely no sensory-motor awareness of anything going on “below my belly”.
6/24/2008 8:19 PM-
Arrived back home a short time ago, from being @ the Kelley Library, & the Derry Community Television CATV Studio, where I volunteer.
Earlier today, I made the mistake of trying to drive up to Derry, via Interstate Route 93, which had “Vehicle Traffic Constipation”, due to a Ute “roll-over” @ the NH Route 102 “exit” in Derry.
&
here is Crystal Avenue (NH Route 28) in Downtown Derry this afternoon, coming
upon where the Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church is located. There was of
course, a very heavy Thunderstorm blowing through the area of Nutfield.
Anyway, Supper this evening, was “Pancakes” again.
6/24/2008 8:35 PM-
Nate asked me to purchase Sub Sandwiches for Lunch tomorrow, for the (3) of us here @ home. I do have “enough” Greenbacks to do that, after I take our trash/recyclables away to the Refuse Collection Center on Shannon Road for Dad tomorrow morning.
6/24/2008 8:48 PM-
Loaded the busted old armchair here in the Den that is no good, & placed it into the bed of my Ute, to “haul away” to the Refuse Collection Center.
I suppose, that it is time to get ready for bedtime.
6/25/2008 9:36 AM-
Just arrived back home from the Refuse Collection Center on Shannon Road, & the Mike’s Red Barn Deli, where I purchased Sub Sandwiches for Lunch. Earlier, I assisted Dad in getting “cleaned up & dressed, after I got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. Supposedly, he has an appointment @ his Accountant this morning @ 11:00 AM, which of course means, that Nate should be arriving back home from his part-time job, by 10:00 AM.
6/25/2008 10:05 AM-
Still waiting for Nate to show up back home.
6/25/2008 10:41 AM-
Nate has just left with Dad, to take him up to his Accountant’s appointment, while I just got the automatic pool vacuuming device running, for the next 3 hours, to make sure, that the bottom of the swimming pool is clean. Later on, I will go swimming for the 1st time this Summer.
I now of course have to start washing dirty laundry again for Dad. While doing this, I will be watching movies on my computer. My “Morning Matinee” flick, is “Van Helsing”, starring Actor “Hugh Jackman”. Today, is a “grownup” day for me.
6/25/2008 11:24 AM-
Last night while sleeping, besides my usual total urinary incontinence, I while sleeping, “filled my nighttime diaper with Poo-Poo”. This morning, I have further pooped 3 more times, each time, barely being able to reach the potty chair.
6/25/2008 12:21 PM-
It should be noted, that a “Werewolf”, is well, a “fantasy creature”. But there is a documented Mental Illness, known as Lycanthropism. If this is the case, then where do “Furries”, & “Fursuiters” fit in?
6/25/2008 2:10 PM-
Had taken a short rest time, & I should go out over to the Kelley Library to read my e-mail. Plus, I should take & “redeem” a bunch of soda pop cans/bottles, for a very small amount of cash, over @ the Market Basket Supermarket in Methuen, MA.
6/25/2008 5:02 PM-
Only got $2.90¢ for the pile of soda pop bottles & cans this afternoon. Well, it was enough to purchase a couple packages of Mars Confectionary Corporation “M & M” Chocolate Candy Packages. @ the Kelley Library, while I was “online”, I answered a couple e-mail messages from the New England Fursuiters Yahoo Group, related to my putting out an “invitation” for other Fursuiters, other than myself, to entertain children @ this year’s 103rd Pelham, New Hampshire “Old Home Day” community Celebration, held on the grounds of my church.
Hopefully, it will not be the “Me, Myself, & I Show”, as far as “Fursuiting” is concerned @ “Old Home Day” this year coming up in September.
6/25/2008 6:17 PM-
I was just watching my DVD of the Superheroes, “Birdman”, & “The Galaxy Trio”, & I noticed, that in one episode, one of the “Male Villains”, looks like he is “wearing a female dress”. In the 1960’s, this was a “derogatory” stereotype of a “Gay Man”. Most all Gay Men, “look down” on & despise “Cross-Dressers”, or should I say, the “correct terminology”, a “Transvestite”.
The “acceptable” way to “Be Gay”, is to be a Hyper-Masculine “Bear” or “Leather Man”.
Of course, the “Galaxy Trio” in the cartoon, easily defeated the “Widdle Sissy Fairy”…& “sent him to Hell”.
6/25/2008 7:06 PM-
Feeling sad. I am still thinking, that despite my being on SSDI, as an autistic adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, I really should be “employed”. But, the message the outside world has told me these past (7) years, is that “my skills & abilities are “not wanted in this world”.
Yet, I may just drop my “Employment Resume”, @ a few “local area” high technology employers, “just as a sort-of joke”. After all, as I have written before here in my blog, that for the past (7) years, nobody has even “talked to me” in any sort of “congenial” & “civil manner” to me, about “whether or not I can do anything”, & get “paid for it”.
6/26/2008 8:01 PM-
Just washing dirty laundry for Dad, after I got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. Of course, whenever I “Boot Up” my computer now, I have to go into the Date/Time Settings in my Windows 2000 OS, to “set the date & time”, every time I use my computer, because the RTC on the Motherboard has a “dead battery”.
6/26/2008 8:21 PM-
I am not sure where Nate is. He is out this morning, probably doing errands.
6/26/2008 8:35 PM-
Yesterday evening, I verified Nate’s statement of fact, that there is a “nest” in this birdhouse, hanging from the west side of the Arbor over the walkway to the wheelchair ramp.
& here is the present state of development of the fruit on our Ornamental Pear Tree.
6/26/2008 9:12 PM-
Sort-of feeling sad again this morning. There was a news report yesterday evening, about government financial experts, predicting, that there will be another round of huge numbers of Bank foreclosures on Home Mortgages, due to families being unable to pay for “Heating Oil” for the furnaces in their homes.
Anyway, while “King Bush” “plays his Fiddle” or “whatever”, “Rome” (I mean “America”), will just “crash & burn economically”, & as I “see it”, as an autistic developmentally disabled adult, “King Bush” really does not even “give a shit”, as long as he and his “Kleptocratic Cronies”, can still “Loot the American People Financially”, & “get even richer…”
6/26/2008 9:29 PM-
Is it me, or is there another of those “sadistic” so-called “athletic” Game Shows on television now, besides “American Gladiator”.
Really?
My idea of “Gladiator Fighting”, is with swords, tridents, nets, lots of “wild animals”, ect., with “copious amounts” of “blood, guts, & gore”.
Plus, lots of “severed” heads, “fountains of blood”, & “blood-curdling screams”, along with Gladiators “openly” “pissing & shitting on the ground”, there in the Arena, “in front of the masses”.
Also, “Gladiator Games”, should also have “lots of Crucifixions” of “State Criminals”, & “Political Enemies” of “King Bush”.
6/26/2008 9:49 PM-
While the “Masses here” are “served-up” “Idiotic Sanitized Pap” on the television, the “real” “Blood, Guts, & Gore”, is over in Afghanistan & Iraq, “served up fresh” every day, thanks to all the “Street Gang Thug Gang-Bangers” “running around loose” in those countries, & “creating havoc” & thinking of themselves as “Big Shot Bullies”, & pulling off “Gang-Bang Hits” against “King Bush’s” “Legally Licensed Official Street Gangs”, the “Army, Marines, & Air Force”, & any “Unarmed Civillians” they can “extort & terrorize into abject slavery submission”.
6/26/2008 10:23 PM-
I should also note, that on the streets of every American City “Ghetto”, is where the “real” Blood, Guts, & Gore” is located too. For the past 100 years, “generations” of Inner City Ghetto” Blacks & Hispanics have had “nothing to look forward to”, except “Gang-Banging”, “robbing, looting, raping, & murdering”, “people like themselves”, in “Endemic Constant Lawlessness”, generation after generation.
6/26/2008 1:37 PM-
Instead of taking a nap, I mutely played with my “Baby Toys”, for “repetitive autistic sensory stimulation”, & I watched “MisterRoger’s Neighborhood” on WENH-TV, Channel 11, & a Disney Movie on DVD, “Mickey Mouse, Goofy Hound, & Donald Duck”, in a “parody” of Alexander Dumas’s “The Three Musketeers”.
6/26/2008 1:45 PM-
I should probably apologize for my “rant” this morning.
6/27/2008 8:17 AM-
Yesterday evening, I had to go out in my Ute over to the Kelley Library to “videotape” the “Retirement Ceremony” for Mrs. Strang, the Library Director, & Mrs. Williams, the Assistant Director for Derry Community Television. Mrs. Strang’s Husband was there. He is the Head Trauma Physician of the “Emergency Room” @ the Parkland Medical Center Hospital in Derry, where they both live.
I was outside a few minutes ago, & I guess that the Mommy Bird, nesting in the yellow Bird House hanging from the Arbor was a little “upset”, & left her nest, when I walked by there, to check on the operation of the swimming pool water circulation/filtration system.
Also yesterday, I spent time @ the Walmart Supercenter Department Store, digging through their $5.00¢ “Bin” of “hyper-discounted” DVD movies & TV Shows, & found a couple of “Classics”, the 1930’s vintage “original” cinema “Heroic” Doggie Friend, “The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin”, & the 1st “Hispanic-Oriented” “Western” on television, from the early 1950’s, “The Cisco Kid”, starring, “Duncan Renaldo” & “Leo Carrillo”, who are pretty-much “forgotten-about” 50 years, after they were (2) of the 1st “Television Western” Hero “Stars”, along with actors, “Clayton Moore” & “Jay Silverheels”, who were “The Lone Ranger” & “Tonto”.
Of course, Doggie Friend Hero, “Rin Tin Tin”, “predates” television’s Doggie Friend Hero, “Lassie”, by 20 years.
6/27/2008 8:51 AM-
It is sad to think, that the “self-centered, greedy, & selfish” actors who portray today’s “Media Heroes”, do not “live the values” that “Duncan Renaldo”, “Leo Carrillo”, “Clayton Moore”, & “Jay Silverheels” lived by “off-camera”, as well as “in front of the camera”. Everywhere they went in “real life”, children “looked up to them”, & they “lived up to the social/moral values” they preached on the television in their adventures.
6/27/2008 10:17 AM-
Had already taken the trash/recyclables downstairs from the kitchen to the garage for Dad, plus, I have started washing more dirty laundry for him. Unfortunately, I have to go out to purchase dish washing soap, to wash pots & pans for Dad.
6/27/2008 10:22 AM-
Not sure why I have “saved” this CAD drawing set of Development Engineering Lab “Prototype Robot MISC I/O” “Test Fixtures” I created myself, that were drawn up, from my original “hand sketches”, by my previous employer’s CAD Department. After all, no potential employer in the last (7) years, has wanted to “ask”, why I was the “Assigned” “Unofficial” Electrical Engineer, who “signed off” & “approved them”, for addition into my previous employer’s “Internal CAD Drawing Database” in August of 1999.
After all, “Autistic Mental Retards”, like myself are “not supposed to be able to do Electronic Design Work”.
6/27/2008 11:24 AM-
Nate “left no instructions”, as to what is for Lunch.
6/27/2008 2:44 PM-
Just got myself out of the swimming pool, before it started to rain this afternoon. Earlier in the afternoon, Nate assisted me in “lifting” our “busted” Rototiller Machine into the back of my Ute, & I took it over to “Grantz’s Turf Depot” Outdoor Machinery sales & Repair Shop to get it “fixed”. Nate also needed me to purchase another bottle of “Pepcid AC” Medicine, because it helps to keep his tummy from getting upset, with those Diabetes Pills he has to take @ mealtimes.
6/27/2008 3:00 PM-
Right now, I am looking down again @ my legs, and I am again having strong emotional feelings, that it is “simply wrong” for both my legs to be “functional”. They should be encased in plastic/metal/foam/Velcro HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces, & I really should be mostly confined into a wheelchair, & only able to “stand & drag” my feet along only a little bit, using a walker or Loftstrand crutches (sometimes). Besides diapers, my external urogenital anatomy, should have one of those “Foley Catheters”, “permanently inserted into place where Pee-Pee comes from”, & connected to a “large” Urine Drainage Bag, that is strapped onto the inside of the lower leg(s) to continuously drain Pee-Pee “out of my body”.
It would not bother me, to be “permanently paralyzed” from the “bottom of my Rib Cage”, all the way down to my feet. Maybe it would help me to accept more my own “hidden” developmental disability of Asperger’s Syndrome, if my “body were crippled too”.
6/27/2008 7:09 PM-
There have been Thunderstorms since 3:00 PM here. The Humidity has “dropped”, & it is “more comfortable” here @ home outside.
While I was out @ the Kelley Library, I did more of my own research into “Body Image/Integrity Disorder”. Some with this disorder, which is on the same psychological “Axis” as Gender Identity Disorder & Body Dysmorphic Disorder, is a “real” condition, not something “made up”. Cause: “Unknown”; Cure: “Becoming Physically Disabled – For Real”.
Extreme cases are Adults & Adolescents, actually gouging out their own eyeballs to “become blind”, or applying “tourniquets” to their arms or legs, to “destroy the limb(s) blood supply – to ‘induce’ Necrosis & Gangrene”, necessitating Amputation, or driving knives or other sharp objects between their own vertebrae to “sever” their own Spinal Cords, to achieve “permanent paralysis”. Others try to “suffocate themselves” with plastic bags tied around their own heads, to induce Cerebral Palsy-Like “Brain Damage”, & if lucky, are “revived”, before they “end-up deceased”, suffering the “severe” Brain Damage they “wanted” in the 1st place.
The “milder” cases of this disorder, just go and “use wheelchairs, orthopedic leg braces, crutches, & walkers” – “for their intended purposes”, & @ best “pretend they are disabled”. Plus, for “added realism”, “pretenders” induce themselves into “total” Urinary/Fecal Incontinence, necessitating use of “adult diapers”, & “Foley Catheters”, & “Intermittent Catheters” to deal with their own “sanitary needs”.
Unfortunately, this is to “real” disabled adults, rather offensive.
Yet, even I, as a medically/psychiatrically certified developmentally disabled adult with Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism, am offended to some extent.
As to me being in diapers. I “actually am 100% ‘Certified’ Medically Incontinent – By a Urologist/Male Hominid Primate Genitalia Disorder Specialist”, with “Uncontrollable Overactive Bladder Neuropathy”, which causes painful 100% “uncontrollable Interstitial Cystitis Bladder Muscle “Spasms”, that also simultaneously “induce” @ times, “Partial to Total” “Voiding of Fecal Stool(s)” into my diaper, or if I just “make it” to the Potty Chair “upstairs” in our bathroom @ home, it either all goes into the potty chair, or while trying desperately to pull down my adult incontinence diaper, I end-up making a “massive poopy mess”, “all over the place”, that “I myself have to clean-up” on a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week basis, around the clock.
But, what about having a “hidden disability” like this, & wishing that it would have been better if I “really were paralyzed from the Rib Cage - down…”????? Then it would be “obvious”, that “I am disabled”, instead of people on the outside world, just thinking, that either there is “nothing wrong with me”, or that I am “nothing but a ‘certified’ nut-case”.
That is the “dilemma”, with having a “mild”, & “hidden disability” like Asperger’s Syndrome, because adults like myself, & all the others I have met online via the Internet, and “in-person”, via the www.aane.org Asperger’s Association of New England “organization” that I “belong to”, can “almost pass” for being “Normal”.
Yet, I am not “Normal”, & I have “never been normal”, even when I was a Toddler. Neither are all my “Asperger’s Contacts”, across the planet, “Normal”. One of my contacts, over in the United Kingdom, besides Asperger’s Syndrome, also has Dyslexia & does not write well @ all. Another contact out in the Midwest, besides Asperger’s Syndrome, really is well on his way to becoming “totally” Blind, & my Asperger’s Syndrome friend over in the Czech Republic is “Severely Deaf”, & well on his way towards living in a world of “utter auditory silence”. Plus, my contact in Chile, besides having Asperger’s Syndrome, suffered a severe Sacral/Coccyx injury while riding his bicycle while still growing up, & wrecked his nerves there, & is 100% Medically Incontinent.
6/28/2008 8:45 PM-
This morning earlier, I woke up “crying” a lot of tears, & I whispered softly to my “big” “Beast” huggable friend, that “I do not want my legs to ‘work right’, ever again…”
I found myself “asking” God, to “permanently” “shut-down” my Sciatic Nerves, “bilaterally” on both sides, to “permanently cripple both my legs”.
Anyway, I am cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. I have decided to watch “old” cartoons here on my computer.
Yesterday, besides “genuinely physically disabled adults”, I also found “Disability Wannabe’s” on the video footage web page, www.youtube.com. Scanning what video footage I did see, there was no “physiological” vascular activity in my own body inside of my adult incontinence diaper I have to wear 24/7, for Medical, & “Secondary” Cognitive/Emotional disabilities. This, I guess would “rule-out” any “sexual component”, to my “internal” Bodily Image/Integrity “distress” that I Was intensely feeling @ around 5:30 AM this morning.
6/30/2008 2:01 PM-
Just woke up from my naptime, laying on a “Super-Large” Disposable Bed Pad, totally soaked in my own pee-pee. @ the start of my naptime, I again started to cry a little bit, as I asked God again while hugging “Grr-Grr Bear”, & clutching my “big” plastic Rattle Ball, to “physically cripple both my legs”, so they would “never work right ever again”.
I “hate” my own legs, & I want them to simply be “totally useless” weight attached to my body.
6/28/2008 5:15 PM-
Supper again was “Pancakes”. While out over @ the Kelley Library, I looked up more information on the BIID disorder.
6/28/2008 5:47 PM-
Had spent the last 15 minutes, mutely “sitting” in my deceased Mom’s wheelchair, that is stored in the Cellar & for a brief period of time, felt my own physical body to be “whole” & “ truly physically correct”. During the time I was in Mom’s wheelchair, I felt my legs “not working correctly as they should be”, but only able to use my feet to only move “very little”, in short “muscle spasms”, & I only used the “physical strength of my own arms”, to “lift & reposition” my legs/feet while sitting there in the wheelchair.J
Long ago in childhood, I myself always felt that my physical body was “incomplete” & “disfigured”, many times, between the ages of 8 to 18 years old, I “tried to make ‘braces’ for my legs” here @ home” – “in secret”. Also long ago in childhood, I always looked @ the Sears Roebuck Mail Order Catalog in their small section of “Home Medical Aids”, & in the 1960’s, Sears Roebuck, Inc., “actually sold” “State Institution Quality” Absorbent Cloth Diapers & “Snap-On/Pull-On” “Very Heavyweight/Durable” Plastic Pants for Teenagers & Adults. Sears also sold Wheelchairs, & Walkers, & Crutches, ect., too, “back then” via “Mail Order”.
As a “then never properly diagnosed” autistic child, I also did “atypical” autistic child behaviors, like my “self-rocking”, & “unusual attachments” to unusual objects, “totally in secret”, because Mom “meted-out physical beatings” against me, to “ruthlessly wipe-out” any “autistic behavior in me”.
Many times, totally “in secret”, I would utterly “tear off my clothes” in the bathroom, because the “physical sensations” of “clothing” on my body “cognitively bothered me” as a child. Starting in 4th Grade, whenever Mom, Dad, & Nate were “out of the house”, & I was “left alone by myself”, I felt “free enough” to do “autistic” behavioral “acts” of “being totally naked”, & in the bathroom, & “sitting in a huge puddle of my own Pee-Pee”, while “mutely rocking myself back-&-forth, in-place” on the linoleum floor of the bathroom.
Of course, I “deftly” “wiped up the pee-pee puddles” – “I made”, to “hide the evidence” of “autistic behavioral regression in toileting/cleanliness”. Plus of course, sometimes, while forced to be “alone by myself”, & “my hiding totally naked in the bathroom”, if I “made Poo-Poo”, I would “secretly”, “even as a teenager”, perform “autistic acts” of “mashing & playing with my own Poo-Poo in my hands”, because the tactile “sensory stimulation” of my own soft, mushy Poo-Poo “calmed me”.
Again of course, I always “deftly” “cleaned my poopy messes I made”, to “hide” this well, to “Neurotypicals”, a “disgusting unsanitary autistic behavior” from my Mom, because if she “found out”, I would have had the “Autism” ruthlessly “beaten out of me” by her.
6/28/2008 6:50 PM-
I do not understand why these topics, & my own memories are “coming out of me lately”, but it seems, that I am trying in my own autistic way, to “understand”, now, what makes me, “me”.
6/28/2008 7:20 PM-
Yesterday evening, the ABC Network News Magazine, 20/20 did a series of video stories, hosted by Reporter “Barbara Walters” regarding “Transgendered Children”. One of the parents described about how her own Male-to-Female transgendered child, @ Age 3, “made an attempt” to “rectify” the problem of having “the wrong genitalia”, by “attempted amputation of his entire penis/testicles”, with a pair of nail clippers.
BIID or “Trans-Abilism” is very much like being “Transgendered”. The “functioning” legs on my body, totally do not “match” my own brain’s “internal wiring” “map” of my own body, that really ever since childhood, besides my Asperger’s/Autism developmental disability, that has always told me, that my legs are “shriveled & crippled”, not “well & whole”.
Here I am @ “Age 50”, still feeling “trapped inside” a “body”, that I myself have “never wanted or accepted” – even as a child.
6/29/2008 4:03 PM-
My own “idea” of being “disabled”, is to just “go about my life”, “not asking for pity from anyone”. After all I never got that in the 1st place, even in childhood. My own “idea” of a “fix” to make my body, fit my mind’s “internal image” of it, is just “1 single surgical procedure”, to “go in” & “bilaterally sever” both “Sciatic Nerves”, just outside my Spinal Column, to “permanently” cause total motor/sensory “loss” in both my legs, requiring then “Orthopedic Bracing”, to stabilize my legs, to allow “limited standing & walking”, using either a Walker &/or Loftstrand Crutches, for mobility, along with a Wheelchair (for long distance mobility).
& then of course, “adjusting” to living as a person with “Multiple Disabilities”, including my “lifelong” autism developmental disability.
6/29/2008 4:15 PM-
Earlier today, I had a typical Sunday Morning, without any “suprises”. After going to Church, I came home & had the Sunday Dinner of Baked Pork, & “Giant” Elbo Pasta In Tomato Sauce, that Nate cooked, & then had a nap for “sensory down time”.
I awoke from my naptime, having a painful headache, which “relieved itself”, after 2 times sitting on the Potty Chair, & voiding a lot of Poo-Poo. I did “smear my hands with poop & played with my ‘mess’ a little bit”, which calmed me via the mushy tactile stimulation of my hands “all covered in my own Poo-Poo”. Of course, I “cleaned up my mess”. J Nate had me go out again in my Ute over to the Weathervane Seafood Resturant to purchase (2) Haddock Dinners for Supper, which Nate “shared one” with Dad to eat.
6/29/2008 4:37 PM-
I guess that Nate wants me to go swimming, before it gets dark here. My “Swimming Procedure”:
Use rubberized incontinence pants over a disposable diaper, & then dress myself with my swimming trunks…take a swim…then when done, change my diaper, & get dressed again in the bathroom.
6/29/2008 7:24 PM-
Swimming was “cancelled”, due to a large thunderstorm. Anyway, I watched the news, & the Presidential “Candidates” are just bickering with each other, “While Rome Burns” in an “Economic Meltdown”. All over America, towns are “canceling” “4th of July Independence Day Celebrations”, because they are a “waste of money”, when teachers have to be paid, along with EMT’s, Firemen, & Police Officers, & keeping Police Patrol Vehicles on the road. Here in Salem, New Hampshire, the bridge ½ a mile north of our house on Lawrence Road, over the Spickett River is in “imminent danger of collapse”, which would “sever” this part of Salem, NH, from the center of town, & all the businesses on NH Route 28, & the Mall @ Rockingham Par, including all this towns supermarket stores.
This is if that bridge “collapses”. As long as I can remember, is that no repair work has been done to the Spickett River Bridge on Lawrence Road, ½ mile north of where I live, in > 42 years.
Here in Salem, New Hampshire “alone”, just to fix all the roads, & replace them, would cost 100 – 200 Million Dollars – “Minimum”. If one “adds” in the “typical” “Graft & Corruption Kickbacks”, let us say, that the job would cost ½ a Billion Dollars to replace the roads, “Water Mains”, ect.
Being retired on SSDI, if I were to be “taxed” @ a rate of 75% of my total yearly SSDI Income of $15,600.00¢, along with taxing every other household in Salem, NH, @ that “rate” there would never be enough money “raised” to “fix the crumbling road/street infrastructure”.
$15,600.00¢ x 0.75 = $11,700.00¢ {As Tax Payments – hypothetical}, leaving a “Total Yearly Income” left of only $3,900.00¢.
$3,900.00¢ can not “purchase physical bodily survival”, in this economy, which is “unraveling” @ an increasing rate, as time progresses.
It is simply the “mathematics” of an “Economic Depression”, which is beginning, which probably will “rival” the “Planetary Economic Collapse” of the 1930’s.
The last “Planetary Economic Collapse” ended in World War II, against “Fascism”. The next “Planetary Economic Collapse”, will ignite World War III, which will be totally a 100% Genocidal “Religious War”, of Muslims Versus Christians – “all over the planet”.
6/29/2008 8:00 PM-
Just took my daily Lexapro & Lipitor medications.
6/30/2008 8:53 PM-
After getting cleaned up & diapered this morning, before I got dressed, I started washing dirty pots & pans in the kitchen, “feeling physically comfortable” only wearing just my disposable adult diaper. I then got dressed, & I checked on the operation of our swimming pool’s water filtration system. Today after Lunch, I have to mow our lawn.
6/30/2008 9:20 PM-
Vacuumed the downstairs Den/Cellar door mat for Dad.
6/30/2008 9:56 PM-
Had placed myself into my deceased Mom’s wheelchair again, & mutely sat there for 30 minutes, & my body automatically went “limp & unmoving”, “from my waist down”. While “confined” in the wheelchair, my “physical body” again “felt completely normal” & “whole”.
7/1/2008 12:18 AM-
Have just finished mowing most of the lawn for Dad. My diaper is soaked in Pee-Pee, & I have to get cleaned up again.
7/1/2008 1:16 AM-
Have just gone swimming in the backyard swimming pool, in my swimming trunks & diaper (to keep my Pee & Poop out of the water).
6/30/2008 5:29 PM-
Supper was Hot Dogs, & whatever else you want to eat with it. I was out @ the Kelley Library earlier, & I read my e-mail. I did stop @ that Barnes & Noble bookstore, & only purchased another child’s picture storybook to read & understand, as an autistic adult.
6/30/2008 5:43 PM-
A short time ago, Nate told me, that it was my turn to pay our monthly cellular telephone bill.
6/30/2008 5:50 PM-
Since I mowed our lawn for Dad, next door, Mr. Long is mowing his lawn this evening now.
6/30/2008 7:23 PM-
I was just outside, using the hand-held Petrol-Powered Brush-Hog Machine, to mow down the areas that the small lawnmower will not be able to get to when I use it tomorrow to do a couple areas which can not be reached by Dad’s riding lawnmower.
7/1/2008 8:09 AM-
Had gotten myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed a few minutes ago. Before I got myself dressed, I then spent time in my bedroom, wearing nothing but my diaper to be “comfortable”, & I mutely played with some of my baby toys. I also read a couple of my picture storybooks, & I did atypical autistic “self-rocking”, sitting there mutely on my bed.
This morning, I am experiencing a lot of physical “aching all over”.
7/1/2008 8:22 AM-
Today is a “self-imposed” “No Television Watching Day”, with the exception of what I have to do for Derry Community Television this afternoon.
7/1/2008 1:26 PM-
This morning, Nate had me running around in my Ute, grocery shopping & to purchase Sub Sandwiches for Lunch. I then took a nap, because I was physically not feeling well. After waking Up, I had my 3rd “poop” of the day today. I am not sure why, but I make huge amounts of pee-pee while “laying down”.
Anyway, I have to stop @ the Kelley Library, & then drive up to Derry to the Derry Community Television CATV Studio where I volunteer.
7/2/2008 7:56 AM-
Washing my bed sheets, because they are filled with my own pee-pee. Yesterday evening, I “hardly ate anything”, because I was “feeling sick”, & still “aching” all over my body”.
@ night, & during naps, I experience a huge amount of uncontrollable pee-pee wetting & “Disuria” pain. Disuria is “difficulty & pain” while making pee-pee. I suspect this is due to the effect of Lexapro on my body. Maybe there is “too much of this drug in my body”.
Anyway, I think I need to “eat”.
7/2/2008 8:24 AM-
Had 2 slices of Instant French Toast. Still “aching all over my body”. I did take some Acetaminophen pain reliever.
This afternoon, I do have an “appointment” to see my Social Worker/Counselor, Ms. Fisher up in Derry @ 1:00 PM.
7/2/2008 9:41 AM-
I have been spending my morning, mutely hugging my Sesame Street “Elmo” cuddle friend. Feeling less achy over my entire body.