5/1/2008 9:47 AM-
Just being mute & quiet, while I have been watching another episode of the “original” “MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE”, “The Slave” on my computer.
5/1/2008 10:20 AM-
Nate did the grocery shopping this morning, and I made myself a Ham & Cheese Sandwich for Lunch. Since the “bill” for our “Star Trek Communicators” arrived yesterday, this morning, I wrote out a cheque to pay that “bill”, and I will mail it off today @ the Post Office.
Earlier this morning, and before bedtime yesterday evening, I spent time “wearing” one of my (2) Werewolf “full-head masks”. Wearing the “animal” mask was comforting. I also had thoughts, that I am a kind, nice Werewolf, who does not want to “hurt of scare people”. Being “different”, I have feelings of wanting to be a “Parahuman” “Wolf/Hominid Hybrid”…
Secretly during childhood, I wished that I could have been a strong, powerful Wolf-like “Parahuman”, to “protect” myself from my Mom, when she was “very mean to me” @ times, when she was in her “crazy” periods, growing up.
5/1/2008 11:07 AM-
“Barely” made it upstairs to the potty chair for poop.For me, “voiding poop” comes extremely swiftly, @ random, & if I am not within 75’ of a potty chair, I “uncontrollably fill my diaper”.
Well, in a short time, I have to go out in my Ute over to the Kelley Library, to videotape a “very special” children’s “Story Time”, of Children’s Author, “Norman Bridwell’s” “real-life” daughter, “Emily Elizabeth”, reading “Clifford the Big Red Dog” Stories to children @ the Kelley Library.
Plus, on my way over to the Kelley Library, I have to stop @ the Post Office, to mail the payment for the “Star Trek Communicators” Nate & I use.
5/1/2008 3:43 PM-
A short time ago, I experienced another “raging” “Autistic Temper Tantrum”, that was triggered by my “making a mess”, spilling a glass of water here @ my computer desk, while trying to reach behind the computer desk, to “retrieve” the USB Port #3 cable, which plugs into my Universal Memory Card Reader. Nate needed another “”Data Dump” of more of his *.jpg photographs out of his Canon EOS Rebel Digital SLR Camera.
I also had to re-plug in, the cable to my “trackball” pointing device.
Finally, I was able to “archive” Nate’s darn photographs onto a DVD-ROM Disk, because a “regular” CD/-R CD-ROM Disk, does not have the storage capacity required to archive a 2G-Byte Compact Flash-RAM drive memory module.
5/1/2008 7:34 PM-
Inside the fursuit costume of “Clifford The Big Red Dog”, is one of the Librarians @ the Kelley Library. I shot this photograph earlier today.
Late this afternoon, was rather “frustrating” for me, when I had “little problems”, with the operation of my computer here. Being autistic, I as usual, “emotionally over-reacted” into an “autistic temper-tantrum meltdown”. But, I am “ok” now, as if it did not happen.
@ least it was enjoyable to do this video shoot this afternoon for Derry Community Television.
5/1/2008 7:47 PM-
Just trying to “wind down”, here @ my computer. Supper earlier, was Chicken/Vegetable Stir-Fry, and afterwards, I drove back over to the Kelley Library, after purchasing a Dessert @ the Café in the Barnes & Noble Bookstore here in town. While @ the library earlier this evening, I suffered a “massive” “poop accident”, and I quite calmly “cleaned myself up” in the “only available potty chair room” in the children’s section of the library. All I can say, was that I had a “huge mushy mess inside my diaper”. “Wetting” & “Pooping”, “uncontrollably”- “So What?”. I just matter-of-factly “clean myself up afterwards”, without much fuss or bother, since I have been in diapers 24/7 these past 20+ years.
I suspect, that the combination of whatever I ate in the last 24 hours, combined with the “effect” of the SSRI-Type Antidepressant, “Lexapro” has on Seratonin Neurotransmitter levels in the nerves throughout my body not just affects my bowel control, but also my bladder control too. Cystitis (Interstitial) & Bowel “flatulence” & “Uncontrollable Sudden Diurnal Encopresis (Bowel Voiding)” are “nuisance” side-effects of “Lexapro”.
5/3/2008 8:38 AM-
I just woke up a short time ago, and got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. To “entertain myself”, I am watching another episode of “Birdman & the Galaxy Trio” here on my computer in the Den room. The old “Superhero” cartoons are better than the “garbage” Superheroes on “broadcast” television now.
Here, the “Megalomaniac”, “Metallus” should “know better”, than to “try and take on Space Ghost…” Anyway, he got “hauled off to the Interstellar Prison” for his crime(s)…”
5/3/2008 9:25 AM-
Another “old” cartoon television show I have, is the “now politically incorrect”, “Hong Kong Phooey”…
5/3/2008 9:49 AM-
Next on my own “Saturday Morning Kid-Vid Cartoon Schedule”,
is “Episode #2” of the 1980’s Sci-Fi Adventure Cartoon, “Jayce & the
Wheeled Warriors”. Of course, there was a “boys” “Action Figure Toy Line” of
this back in the 1980’s. One of the Writers/Story Editors for this cartoon from
1985, was the person who “created” the Science Fiction television show,
“Babylon 5”, “J. Michael Straczynski”.
5/3/2008 10:50 AM-
I just finished watching an episode of “Bravestarr”. These “Dingo Outlaws” got of course “hauled off to Jail”. Next on my own “made up” Saturday morning Kid-Vid Cartoon Schedule, is “Sam & Max, Freelance Police” from 1997.
Of course, in “reality world”, a “Dingo” is an Australian “Wild Dog”.
5/3/2008 11:49 AM-
Time for me to go out in my Ute to have a Lunch “away from home”, and then go to the Kelley Library to read my e-mail. Plus, I will drive up to Londonderry to the Cinema Megaplex there, because the “new” Action Movie, “Iron Man”, the “Superhero” comic Book Character is “playing” onscreen there.
5/3/2008 4:52 PM-
This afternoon, I “changed my own plans”, regarding going to the Cinema Megaplex in Londonderry. I decided that it was “too much money” to go see a movie. The “American Economy” is “floundering”, and going to see a movie @ the Londonderry, NH Cinema Megaplex is just a “waste of money”. “King George W. Bush” just keeps saying that “everything is really ok”, but to me, it is nothing but a “lie”.
I spent the “money for the movie” on more “adult-sized diapers” yesterday @ the Walgreen’s Pharmacy “Chain Store” here in Salem, NH.
5/3/2008 6:23 PM-
Just “bored”…I have the Evening “Local” News playing on the television here in the Den, from WMUR-TV, Channel 9 (ABC Network) from Manchester, NH. But, I have not been really paying attention to it, because my autistic mind can only “perform a single task @ a time”.
5/4/2008 3:32 PM-
Awoke from my usual Sunday afternoon naptime, and I started washing dirty laundry for my Dad. Strange, but I find myself expecting “Mom” to be “wailing” upstairs in the Parlour, “I NEED HELP!!! I NEED HELP!!! I NEED HELP!!!…”. But Mom has been “dead” for almost 2 months now. I guess that she is “finally @ peace”, but it sort-of is sad to think, that she had a rather “hard life” being physically & mentally ill for decades.
5/4/2008 4:24 PM-
Nate had me go out in my Ute for Cheeseburgers for Supper.
5/4/2008 5:21 PM-
I am trying to watch more “old” Kid-Vid television shows here on my computer. One old “Kid-Vid” TV show from the 1960’s that was pretty good, was “Captain Scarlet & the Mysterons”. Here is a “special meeting” of the “Spectrum Planetary Security Force” @ “Cloud Base” discussing a “threat” the alien “Mysterons” made to “obliterate” the entire Continent of North America…
5/5/2008 10:50 AM-
I am watching an old episode of the Kid-Vid TV show, “Thunderbirds” on my computer, after having Lunch with Dad. Nate just returned home from being out for a while. Earlier this morning, after I got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day, I assisted Dad in getting cleaned up & dressed. Nate left a note, asking me to purchase Sub Sandwiches for Lunch, and left me some cash to pay for them this morning. I of course performed that errand, along with purchasing today’s edition of the Manchester Union Leader Newspaper.
5/5/2008 11:36 AM-
Nate has taken Dad in his car to go perform an errand that Dad needs to do. Nate “taxi’s” Dad around, since Dad is not allowed to drive a car anymore. I myself finished watching that episode of “Thunderbirds” on my computer, and I have started washing more dirty laundry for Dad. Also, earlier this morning, I emptied the dishwasher machine in the kitchen and placed the clean dishes away for Dad, and started putting more dirty dishes into the dishwasher machine. When it finally becomes full again, it will be time ti run another load of dirty dishes through.
A short time ago, I barely made it upstairs to the potty chair for poop. While sitting on the potty chair, I performed “atypical” autistic “self-rocking” behavior, and I guess I “parroted” the infantile child’s word, “Poo-Poo”, over & over again, while rocking myself on the potty chair and “making dirty Poo-Poo”.
I guess that now, I will take a nap, for some more “sensory down-time”…
5/5/2008 2:40 PM-
I just got up from my nap, and “changed” my naptime diaper, and I came downstairs, to place the 1st load of clean laundry into the Electric Dryer for Dad, and start washing a 2nd load of dirty laundry for him.
Nate & Dad are still out. I am not sure when they will return.
5/5/2008 3:09 PM-
I have spent the last 29 minutes sitting mutely here @ my computer desk, and I have been “practicing” playing a few Liturgical Hymns on a “cheap” Chinese-Manufactured “child’s” Electronic Toy Keyboard, with 48 “Keys”.
5/5/2008 4:13 PM-
Nate & Dad are back home, and Nate is cooking “Pancakes” again for Supper. While I was still waiting for them to return home, I spent time watching Episode #1 of the British/Canadian Produced Sci-Fi series, “STARHUNTER”, that only went for 22 Episodes.
After Supper, I will be driving over to the Kelley Library in my Ute.
5/7/2008 10:54 AM-
Was just in the Garage, getting
the 22” push mower ready to use for the Summer mowing season. I should go
upstairs to check on Dad.
5/7/2008 10:57 AM-
Dad is ok, and I need to rest a
few minutes.
5/7/2008 11:46 AM-
Nate arrived back home a short
time ago. And I had Lunch.
5/7/2008 12:35 PM-
I just mowed the front lawn for
Dad, with the 22” lawnmower. It is functioning correctly.
5/7/2008 2:42 PM-
I just woke up from a nap. I was
just thinking about what punishment to use on that evil bad man over in the
country of Austria, who locked up and raped his own daughter multiple times,
and fathered (7) children by her over a period of the last 24 years. Even
taping the “Hot”, “Neutral” & “Ground” wires of an AC electrical cord to each
of his bare “balls” and the “end” of his “Wee-Wee”, and “plugging the other
end” into a 220 VAC 50 Hz “Wall Socket” to “electrocute” his bad sick “Wee-Wee”
bad thing, would not even be “punishment enough” for what he did to his own
daughter for 24 years, and to the “surviving” pedophile incest created children
he fathered, and “locked-away” in a “dungeon of horrors” over there, in the
cellar of his own home for 24 years. This news story, had been unfolding for
the past week or so over there in Austria.
5/7/2008 4:27 PM-
Instead of taking Dad to his
Podiatrist appointment this afternoon, Nate had to take Dad to the ER. He was
not ok earlier, and I guess that I was “lied to”. This is a skill that
“neurotypicals” like Dad (& Nate) know how to perform. Nate telephoned me
earlier, to go out in my Ute to purchase “Kentucky Fried Cholesterol” for
Supper, since he could not be here @ home to cook anything. I just ate my
“share” for Supper, and I placed the rest of it in the refrigerator for later.
5/7/2008 5:05 PM-
Have been mowing more of the lawn
for the 1st time this Spring, with the 22” hand-push lawnmower for
Dad.
Just need another drink, to stay
hydrated, while I work outside.
5/7/2008 5:19 PM-
Pooped for the 3rd time
today. Nate is still with Dad @ the ER.
5/7/2008 6:05 PM-
Had been outside again, mowing
more of the lawn for Dad, but I ended-up having “another” massive
uncontrollable “poop accident” in my diaper.
Right now, I am trying to “relax”,
and watch the evening news on the telly here in the downstairs Den room.
5/7/2008 7:08 PM-
I guess that in Burma, the Indian
Ocean “Cyclone” that hit that country’s coast, drowned > 100,000 people,
& the “jack-booted” military junta “thugs” ruling that country, are
refusing all international humanitarian aid to come in to help the people.
Anyway, I have started washing
dirty laundry for Dad this evening.
5/7/2008 8:43 PM-
Dad was “admitted” to the hospital
for “observation”. They are not sure what is wrong yet. Nate just arrived home
finally.
I earlier just cleared the kitchen
sink of dirty dishes, ect. and started running the dishwasher machine.
5/8/2008 8:36 AM-
Had just gotten myself cleaned up,
diapered & dressed for the day. Outside, it is “raining”. @ least I got
most of the lawn mowed for Dad yesterday.
5/8/2008 7:40 PM-
Earlier, while I was out again in my Ute, Nate had me purchase color ink jet cartridges for his computer’s printer. Nate also had given me cash to purchase “fast food” for Supper. Of course, I had also gone over to the Kelley Library to read my e-mail.
5/10/2008 10:12 AM-
Yesterday I did not feel like writing here in my journal. Already this morning, after I got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day, I went out to purchase some groceries, per Nate’s shopping list.
5/10/2008 10:27 AM-
One thing I did find on the Internet, was information on a very old Sci-Fi cartoon, called “Space Angel”, that I remember seeing when I was a kid, in the early 1960’s.
I
am not sure, if this “old” American cartoon will ever be on DVD, because it is
a “real” “classic” animated cartoon, that was produced by Cambria Studios
(which no longer exists).
5/10/2008 3:50 PM-
@ 2:15 PM, I did wake up from a “long” naptime, and for a while afterwards, I spent time being mute & quiet, sitting on my bed, after changing my naptime diaper, playing with a couple toy cars on my bed. I then went out into the Parlour to watch television, but all I did mostly, was simply use the remote control unit to “change channels” every couple of minutes for almost an hour, before coming downstairs here to use my computer.
5/10/2008 4:00 PM-
Not sure what Nate had planned for Supper, but he cooked Chicken earlier this afternoon. But, now he is taking a nap.
I find myself feeling “bored”, yet, I have no “ideas” of my own right now, as to activities. When I am “bored”, or I have no “activity ideas of my own”, all I do as an autistic developmentally-disabled adult, is to just “sit mutely” in my chair here, until “somebody needs me to do something”.
5/10/2008
6:37 PM- Earlier I was
“hyper-angry”, related to the “mess” still down here in the Den room. I was
thinking, “Why the Hell did I ‘bother’ to purchase more ‘new’ Ceiling Tiles,
when this damn Den Room downstairs here, will ‘never get finished’…?”
Anyway, I ended-up “storming out of the house” for a while, after having “accidentally” dumping the Supper Nate “cooked” onto the Den floor, where I “tried to eat”, because, the damn kitchen table is “unable to be used for meals”, because of all the “financial paperwork clutter”, that Nate (& Dad) just “never pick up”.
One of these days, I just feel like doing what my 1st Grade Teacher, “Mrs. Scott” did to me, to make me “clean out my school desk”, by “ruthlessly” “dumping everything onto the floor”. “Then”, it will get “cleared off correctly”, so that we can have meals @ the kitchen table.
I did “move” those darn Ceiling Tile “boxes” into the corner, instead of them “blocking” the center of the damn Den room floor.
5/10/2008 6:48 PM-
Just watching the evening National/International News, and I guess that the “Jack-Booted Goons”, ruling the Country of “Burma” are still not allowing any “International Disaster Relief Aid” to enter the country. My guess, is that the “Goons” are going to “ethnically cleanse” their own country of Burma, of those people who got devastated by that Indian Ocean Cyclone (Hurricane), that hit most of the coast of their country. Nothing like using “Mother Nature” to “slaughter” those who “oppose” the “Thugs”, there ruling from Rangoon…
I do consider the “Ruling Junta” there in Burma, to be nothing more than a “bunch of “Uncivilized Animals”.
5/10/2008 7:06 PM-
Just feeling somewhat sad, which is “normal” for an autistic person like me, after having another “Extreme Temper Tantrum”.
5/11/2008 4:05 PM-
Dad is home from the hospital.
Earlier, I woke up from another afternoon naptime. This afternoon, I slept with “Goo-Gee” Bear friend. When I “regress” into “Baby Mode”, I am able to feel calm & happy. I may “wish to be a baby”, but I can not “be a baby” all the time.
5/11/2008 7:19 PM-
Just being mute & quiet, while I watch a NASA space exploration film I have on DVD.
5/12/2008 8:44 AM-
Just got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. Like it or not, I have to go out in my Ute, 1st to the Bank, and then the Kelley Library to read my e-mail (for a few minutes), and then drive over to the Walmart Supercenter Department Store for a “new” battery for the Roto-Tiller Machine in the Garage. Upstairs, Dad is “asleep” & Nate is out for a while, @ his part-time job @ one of the local Garden Center Nurseries.
5/12/2008 9:14 AM-
This afternoon, I have to take my own 50th Birthday gift to myself, for its 1st oil & oil filter change.
5/12/2008 11:04 AM-
After going out in my Ute to the Bank & to Walmart, I worked on the Roto-Tiller Machine, and got it working & ready to use, to plow out our garden, ect. @ least I was alone with no “distracting” audience, so I could get this task done.
Nate of course, arrived back home a few minutes ago, with “take-out” Sub Sandwiches for the (3) of us for Linch.
5/12/2008 7:33 PM-
I just replaced the Air Filter, Fuel filter, & Spark Plug on the Hand-Held, 2 Cycle, Petrol-Powered Brush Hog Machine for Dad. I then got it running, but I need to make some more adjustments to the “Motor Idle Speed”, the next time I try & use it.
5/13/2008 8:54 AM-
I just finished getting cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day, and in the cellar, I started washing & drying more laundry for Dad. Nate had to go out to get his car “inspected”.
5/13/2008 11:30 AM-
I have been working on Dad’s 32” riding lawnmower, to get it ready to use for the Summer. The mower blade is removed & “sharpened”, by myself, but when Nate returns home, I need his assistance to lift Dad’s riding lawnmower, “vertical”, so that I can “clean up” the underside of the mower deck. Then I can “replace” the cutting blade back onto the lawnmower.
5/14/2008 9:27 AM-
Started washing more dirty laundry for Dad. With Nate @ his temporary part-time job this morning. Yesterday, I stopped working on Dad’s riding lawnmower and I had to spend time @ the Derry Community Television Studio in the afternoon, but I still have to finish getting Dad’s riding lawnmower ready to use.
5/15/2008 2:37 PM-
Had not felt like writing very much most of this week. I myself just got up from a needed naptime an hour ago, and I mutely had been playing with “Grr-Grr” Bear cuddle friend, and some of my baby toys. This morning, I woke up very late, around 8:30 AM. As a prematurely retired autistic adult, I am becoming a “Night Owl”, to use the cliché, and have been going to bed around 11:00 PM every evening, since the end of October last year.
Yesterday
evening @ the Kelley Library, I was researching online for information, that I
retrieved out of my “encyclopedic” memory, about an old Saturday Morning
animated cartoon, called “Captain Fathom”, that was on television in the
1960’s. It was produced, by the same animation studio, that produced “Space
Angel”.
5/15/2008 2:51 PM-
I have no idea what Nate planned to have for Supper today. Tuesday evening, we ate Meatloaf, Boiled Potatoes, & Carrots. Yesterday’s Supper was Spaghetti & Cheese. Lunch today, was “take-out” Cheeseburgers & French Fries.
5/15/2008 2:56 PM-
Nate just returned home from going out grocery shopping for Dad.
5/15/2008 4:00 PM
Supper was “frozen” Baked Stuffed Peppers.
5/17/2008 9:11 AM-
Since the “present” Saturday morning “Kid-Vid” show are “garbage”, I am watching an episode of the “original” “The Adventures of Superman”.
Yesterday again, I had not felt like writing here in my journal. Except for mowing the lawn for Dad, & going out over to the Kelley Library, and to the Walgreen’s Pharmacy, to purchase more adult disposable diapers & disposable bed pads, nothing else happened.
This morning, before I got up out of bed, to get myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day, I had spent ~ 30 minutes, “bad touching” the front of my own diaper, while only thinking “I am in a Mental Hospital”, over & over again, as Mom taught me very long ago to think of, when I am “all alone by myself”, and “in my bed”, and the urge to behaviorally “bad touch my own body”. I feel very “ashamed” as an autistic developmentally disabled person, that I “bad touch” the front of my adult incontinence diaper, alone by myself and where all the evil Pedophiles can not come and hurt me.
5/17/2008 8:15 PM-
Have already chosen the particular “rubberized” polyester incontinence pants I will wear through the night over my diaper. Today has been rather quiet for me. I went out on an errand this morning, to “refill” my prescriptions for Lexapro & Lipitor, & purchased a “small” Pizza for Lunch for the (3) of us men. After Lunch, I took a long naptime, with my plush snuggle friend, “Humfrey” Bear. While resting, I whispers short little “infantile” 2 & 3 word sentences about “loving” my bear, & “loving” Daddy, and my little brother, “Nate”.
After my naptime, I went out over to the Kelley Library, and I read my e-mail. I received another e-mail from my Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism contact from Santiago, Chile. I am in the process of writing “another” snail-mail” letter to him. He is giving up his “home” Internet access, due to it “costing too much”, ect. Like me, he will be stuck, using public library “limited” access to the Internet.
5/18/2008 5:58 PM-
Not much has happened today. This morning, Reverend Ferguson, delivered a very good Sermon, regarding “Racism”. Sunday Dinner was Fish, Rice, & Mashed Turnip today. Afterwards, I took a long nap. After that, Nate had sent me out to purchase Sub Sandwiches for Supper for the (3) of us men here @ home.
5/18/2008 6:05 PM-
The Evening News is on, on WHDH-TV, Channel 7 (NBC Network). I guess that Massachusetts Senator, Edward Kennedy ended up in the Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.
Earlier this afternoon, “after” Supper, I sat here alone by myself @ my computer, and I watched Episode #1 of the Anime “Miniseries”, “Samurai 7”, and Episode #6 of the Anime “Miniseries”, “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, plus an episode of “Thunderbirds”, & one of the “Toddler Age-Appropriate” DVD’s I have of “Bear In The Big Blue House”.
5/18/2008 6:44 PM-
The Army is refusing to “discharge” many soldiers, after their tours of duty are up, because they never had the needed “grunts on the ground” in the 1st place to even begin to win this “stupid” War with Iraq. King Bush should have “activated” conscription, back on September 12, 2001, the day after the massive September 11, 2001 “Terrorist Attack”. Then, he would have had “enough manpower” to “go of thirsting for ‘glory’ in Iraq” in March 2003, (5) years ago.
Anyway, why did we “let” Ossama Bin Laden, A.K.A., “Cobra Commander” (A reference to the old animated cartoon “nemesis” of the G.I. Joe Action Figure Toy), still be “running loose in the world”?
Also, I “personally” “blame” King George W. bush, and the “entire” Republican Political Party, for the rising “Petrol Prices”, which will eventually force me to “permanently give up” driving a motor vehicle, if the price of Petrol, goes up to > $7.00¢/Gallon.
5/18/2008 7:17 PM-
Was just watching a segment of the News Magazine TV Show, “60 Minutes”, & it “says something”, that the “only hope” for “Democracy” in Iraq, is for those Iraqis who believe in “Democracy”, really have, is to “flee to America” here, in order to “live in Peace & Freedom”.
5/19/2008 3:20 PM-
Have been experiencing a bit of being tired this afternoon, and I again needed to take a long naptime.
5/19/2008 3:42 PM-
Just being mute & needing to hug my soft little blue Bunny Rabbit plush toy. I am also doing atypical autistic self-rocking behavior here @ my computer desk here in the Den room.
5/19/2008 3:51 PM-
Had to interrupt myself, to continue washing dirty laundry for Dad. Earlier this afternoon, while Nate & Dad were out, because Dad had to be taken to see his Cardiologist, I experienced a PTSD “flashback” re-enactment, of infantile Toddler/Preschooler thoughts & feelings, related to “being sexually fondled – against my will” by my Mom during “her version” of “Potty Training Me”. I “yelled” “I WILL NOT GO POO-POO!!!!! I WILL NOT GO PEE-PEE!!!!!”, & “NO POTTY SIT!!!!!”. I “filled” my adult-sized diaper “full of Poo-Poo”, & I “sat on the Potty Chair/Toilet”, “hugging” “Grr-Grr” Bear Friend, that I sleep with on “different” nights, and I started “whining & crying”, about being “tied forcibly onto the Potty Chair”, by my Mom, and her unpinning & pulling my diaper off, & “pulling on my little Wee-Wee” 46 years ago.
Potty Chair, is “Punishment Chair!!!!!”
Potty Chair is “Torture Chair!!!!!”
5/19/2008 4:21 PM-
Supper was “Pancakes” again. Anyway, it is time for me to go out in my Ute over to the Kelley Library to read my e-mail again.
5/19/2008 8:18 PM-
I have been watching here alone by myself, a couple more episodes of the “latest” Japanese Anime “remake” of Akira Kurosawa’s “Samurai 7” here on my computer in the downstairs Den room.
5/20/2008 9:16 AM-
Not sure where Nate is, because he is out somewhere, probably doing errands. This afternoon, Nate has to take Dad to another doctor’s appointment.
5/20/2008 9:27 AM-
Decided to watch one of my “Bear In The Big Blue House” DVD’s. I have been doing a lot of thinking, that “so-called” “Diaper Discipline”, is a “hideous” form of childhood sexual abuse, which I went through in early childhood, that irreparably “scarred me for life”, and made it “inevitable”, that I would be an “Infantilist/Adult Baby”. Here I am @ Age 50, besides being autistic & developmentally disabled with Asperger’s Syndrome, sitting in my chair here in front of my computer, “totally Bladder/Bowel incontinent”, & in having to wear adult diapers, for medical & cognitive/emotional reasons, watching “Bear In The Big Blue House”, & “self-rocking”, & “hugging my little soft plush blue Bunny Rabbit”.
5/20/2008 9:59 AM-
[Self Censored, because this entry deals again with PTSD recovered memories of early childhood abuse I endured…]
5/21/2008 8:51 AM-
Just trying so very hard to be a “good little boy” for Dad & Nate, while they are out this morning. Dad had another doctor’s appointment this morning, & I “woke up all alone here @ home”. I did a little bit of vacuuming, but had to stop, because the sound of the machine was “cognitively bothering me”.
Upstairs on my Television in my bedroom, I have been watching “Piglet’s Big Movie”. “Piglet” is “Winnie The Pooh’s” friend. I am only in the mood, to only watch “very young child’s” “appropriate” television programs that I have on DVD this morning.
Yesterday, in the evening, I videotaped a “General Public” “appropriate” lecture on Meteorology, given by WMUR-TV, Channel 9 (ABC Network) Meteorologist, “Joshua Judge”. It was held @ the Derry Public Library.
5/21/2008 9:21 AM-
I made Poo-Poo into my diaper, & afterwards “cleaned myself up”, instead of “trying desperately to ‘strain’ & ‘hold it in’…” Felt “less anxious & fearful”, just “filling my diaper immediately full of Poop”, when the “sudden urge” to go Poop “happened”, while sitting @ my computer here, while writing my previous journal entry.
5/21/2008 9:51 AM-
Just been trying to clear out the kitchen sink for Dad, plus, I put my DVD copy of “The Prince of Egypt”, the Bible Story Movie on there in my bedroom to listen to the audio while I work upstairs.
5/22/2008 7:58 AM-
According to a yesterday evening news report, Petrol will eventually be sold @ > $12.00¢/Gallon here. @ that price, I will no longer be able to drive my Ute. It will have to just “sit in the driveway here - & rust away into scrap metal…”.
Petrol (2) days ago, was $3.80¢/Gallon. I am guessing, that by Saturday, it will be $3.90¢/Gallon.
My own spending has “dropped”, just to “Petrol”, “Adult Disposable Diapers”, “Disposable Bed Pads – For Bedwetting”, “Lexapro & Lipitor Medications”, “Vehicle Liability Insurance once every 6 months”, “Medical Insurance – once every 3 months”, “Assisting with purchasing Food”, & whatever other necessities “required”.
Nate wants me to go to the Cinema Megaplex in Londonderry to see the new “Indiana Jones Adventure Movie”, but I will not be able to go, because “going to the movies”, is a “waste of money now”.
Why “Eat, Drink, & Be Merry”, while America is being “destroyed” economically by out-of-control rising Crude Oil (& refined Petrol) prices, and “massive losses of jobs & employment”.
King George W. Bush, is “personally to blame”, along with his entire “Republican Political Party”, for this “Economic Disaster”, “Destroying America”.
5/22/2008 8:54 AM-
Had to make out another cheque, to pay one of my own medical bills.
Anyway, Nate needs me to go out in my Ute to purchase:
3 bags of Bark Mulch
1 ½ Gallon of Skim Milk
1 Copy of “today’s” Manchester Union Leader Newspaper
2 Sub Sandwiches from the “Red Barn Deli”
@ least Nate gave me Greenbacks” to pay for it.
Plus of course, I have to “mail” everybody’s “bill payments” here @ home @ the Post Office.
5/22/2008 7:34 PM-
This afternoon, went to the Kelley Library, & then I drove to Windham Depot, to the Nature Trail there, just to be “alone by myself”, & away from other Hominid Primates. I had my obsolete Sony Hi8 Camcorder with me, & I videotaped nature scenery, plus a Red-Tailed Hawk in flight, & Turtles.
On my way home, I stopped back @ the Kelley Library to read my e-mail, & went home to have Supper. Supper was “frozen” Stuffed Green Peppers.
5/22/2008 7:43 PM-
With the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend coming up, I “have no plans”. The “call” for “fursuiters” for Blackstone, Massachusetts’s “Family Fun Day”, that I, as “Sheriff George Wolf”, got invited to, got “cancelled”, due to Blackstone, Massachusetts “Internal Town Politics”. It sucks, when a group of grownups just “decide” to “not want” volunteer “fursuiters”, like myself, “bringing a bit of joy” to children.
After all, that is what my “fursuit” character, “Sheriff George Wolf” is “all about”…
5/23/2008 8:41 AM-
As usual, I am cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. I do of course, have to continue working on my “snail-mail” correspondences. I do have to write to another Pen Pal friend, over in Minsk, Belarus, who has an interest in “disability issues”.
5/23/2008 9:47 AM-
Washing dirty laundry again for Dad this morning.
5/24/2008 9:00 AM-
Did not have much else to say yesterday. Right now, I am washing my “bedwetted” bed sheets from last night. Anyway, I have to work outside on “Nate’s” new Patio preparations to start laying those Granite Paving Blocks.
5/24/2008 2:09 PM-
Finished digging up the top sod “by hand” for the new Patio. A short time ago, my Uncle “Len” visited. Time to rest some more.
5/24/2008 2:34 PM-
Just had to change my diaper upstairs. Besides being wet, I had pooped myself a bit while working outside.
5/24/2008 3:47 PM-
Just had an early Supper. Steak, French Fries, & Carrots. Since the Kelley Library is closed, until Tuesday morning, I will maybe just hang around one of the local area bookstores. I may try and find another “cheap” discounted book on Astronomy for my own home library of books in my bedroom.
5/25/2008 7:21 PM-
Not sure where Nate is, because he has been “gone all afternoon, & into the evening. Dad ate some Supper here, whatever was in the refrigerator, but I myself, have not bothered to have any Supper, because, as an “Autistic Mental Retard”, if I do not get some of these house chores done, they will “never get done”. Ran a load of dishes through the dishwasher Machine, & (2) loads of dirty laundry through the Clothes Washing Machine for Dad.
Earlier today, after church, I purchased another (12) bags of Paving Sand for “project”, “Backyard Patio, Hardware Version 2.0”.
5/26/2008 8:19 AM-
I did not have very much else to say yesterday. I did stay up & watch documentaries on the exploration of the Planet Mars.
Anyway, Nate is @ his “part-time” job again, & as usual, I am cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day.
5/27/2008 9:07 AM-
Yesterday afternoon, I mowed the lawn for Dad.
Already this morning, I took our household trash/recyclables over to the Refuse Collection Center on Shannon Road for Dad.
5/27/2008 10:49 AM-
Nate had “miscalculated” the # of bags of “Paving Sand” needed for “project” Patio, Hardware Version 2.0. He had me purchase 14 more bags @ 0.4 Cubic Feet/Bag. The count now is (44) bags purchased @ the Home Depot Warehouse Hardware/Lumber Store @ $3.95¢/Bag. This calculates to a cost of $173.80¢, just in sand alone for this “project” of his.
@ least he has handed me that amount of cash to go out in my Ute, purchase it, & haul it all back home.
Anyway, will this morning’s physical exertion on my body, I have been uncontrollably sweating profusely “all over”, just from “mild” physical exertion of my body. This is probably a “side-effect” of the Lexapro SSRI-Type Antidepressant medication, I have been taking for the past 3 years. Also, 20 minutes ago, I had another uncontrollable bowel accident in my diaper. One thing I have to do today, is transfer more funds into my chequeing account, to “pay another bill”, my “Charge Card”, which I used this month, only to purchasee ink jet cartridges for Nate’s computer printer, & a “Crankcase Oil/Oil Filter Change” on my Ute.
“Again”, this past weekend, I “did not even bother going to the Cinema”, because that is “just a waste of money”, given, that this morning, I had to pump another $25.00¢ worth of Unleaded Petrol into my Ute’s petrol tank, just to keep it on the road this morning, @
$3.80¢/US Gallon (3.88 Liters).
5/27/2008 11:22 AM-
Hmm? Just thought of how “Disney’s “Darkwing Duck” would “react” to having to fill his “Sidecar” Motorcycle up with Petrol, just to go off after these “criminals” @ today’s petrol price:
“NegaDuck” would just “go ahead” & “stick-up” a Petrol Station @ “gunpoint”, & just “steal it”, which is morally wrong.
Probably the “fictional” “International Rescue” group, who are multibillionaires a couple hundred times over, do not have to worry about “the cost of fuel”, because they have their own “giant” Seawater Electrolysis Plant, and have plenty of “Hydrogen” to burn, in their own Hydrogen Fuel Nuclear Ramjet propelled hypersonic aircraft.
Anyway, @ least I got a couple more chores done for Dad & Nate this morning.
5/28/2008 8:32 AM-
After getting myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day, I have spent time paying another “of my own “bills”, that I have to mail “today”.
5/28/2008 8:58 AM-
Just watching another episode of the Disney Cartoon, “Tale Spin”, & I noticed this, in the episode “Vowel Play”. Here is Criminal Gangster “Heimlich Leopard’s” underling, a “Weasel” of course, giving “Heimlich Leopard”, the “NAZI SALUTE”.
I thought according to the US FCC (Federal Communications Commission) “Code”, it was “forbidden” for any Kid-Vid TV Show, to “depict” the NAZI (or NEO-NAZI) “Salute”, even if the words “SEIG HEIL!!!!” were not vocalized by the Kid-Vid Cartoon Character.
This is a “subliminal message” aimed directly @ children.
5/28/2008 10:08 AM-
Just spent time watching another episode of the old “ULTRAMAN” Japanese Superhero “live action” Kid-Vid TV Show from the 1960’s.
5/29/2008 8:18 AM-
Yesterday afternoon, I had an appointment to see my Social Worker/Counselor, Ms. Fisher. Ended-up discussing more about my “inner feelings” about being “Diaper Disciplined” & confined to my Playpen & Baby Crib, “long after they were needed” in early childhood, for what my Mom called “misbehaving”.
One thing that also came into my consciousness, after visiting Ms. Fisher, another issue I have always had, was that besides my “Infantilism/Adult Baby Syndrome” (comorbid with my own developmental disability of Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism) behavior, which started in early childhood, after my Mom “Diaper Disciplining Me” for around 3 years, was that in 3rd Grade in Elementary School decades ago, after being exposed to and playing with another little boy on the school playground @ the Mary W. Foss School, who’s both legs, were completely encased in orthopedic leg braces, I have intermittently wished that I could have been physically handicapped too, and have to wear orthopedic leg braces, & only be able to stand & hobble on them using Loftstrand Crutches, exactly as he did.
Most all the time, I noticed, that other children & adults, were always kind & helpful to this other physically handicapped little boy, who was the same age as me. It seemed that the physically handicapped little boy I knew in school, got “more love & caring from his own Mom (& other children) ”, than “what I ever got from my own Mom”, who was “spiraling into madness”, due to “Severe Thyroid Disease”, affecting her Brain, which was unknown to anyone @ the time.
Looking back, maybe if my body had become “physically crippled” in early childhood, Mom might have “loved & cared for me better”, & not “abused & neglected me”.
This morning when I woke up, extremely soaked with lots of pee-pee filling my nighttime diaper, & my flooded bedpad I have to sleep on every night & @ naptimes, I softly whispered to my plush pink-colored cuddle toy, “Gertrude” Gorilla, that besides my “Autism”, I wish too, that my own legs could be encased & supported by HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces, & also use alternately, Loftstrand Crutches, a Walker Frame, & a Wheelchair.
It is something I have never much given thought to, but, even today, despite my having the developmental disability of “Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism (High-functioning)”, my own “physical body” “totally feels wrong”, “below my waist”. It is just “wrong”, for my own legs, to “work correctly”. I feel “physically incomplete”, with my legs “the way they are”. I never wanted my legs to “work right”, & I wish, that I had paralysis from my waist down, ever since I was a child.
Unlike “Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism (High Functioning)” which is not obvious as a disability, if I were paralyzed & only able to stand & “hobble”, with my legs encased in HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces, then it would be understood, that I am disabled.
5/29/2008 9:45 AM-
Had been outside, watering garden plants for Nate. He is out doing grocery shopping for Dad.
5/29/2008 2:04 PM-
Woke up from my naptime a few minutes ago, soaked in pee-pee. Changed into a clean, dry diaper, & got dressed again. While napping, I dreamed about having my wish fulfilled, & having my own Spinal Cord “severed” surgically, & waking up from the operation, “paralyzed” & without any sensory sensations from my Navel, downward. In my dream, upon waking up without any physical sensory sensations, & unable to voluntarily move my own legs anymore, I was “emotionally relieved”, & “happy”, that I was “severely” physically disabled “for real” I then dreamed about learning to get around in a wheelchair, & then a cast of my legs & torso made to have HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces made for me, and then me “learning” how to put them on & take them off, & learning how to “walk” with being encased in my own HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces, along with learning how to live the rest of my adult life, as a severely physically disabled & autistic developmentally-disabled adult.
5/29/2008 4:53 PM-
Supper was home-made Cheeseburgers. Earlier, while I was out away from home, I redeemed a bunch of soda pop bottles & cans for $3.45¢. I then went to the Kelley Library to read e-mail messages from my Asperger’s Syndrome contacts.
I also researched something called BIID (Bodily Image/Integrity Disorder) online. Basically, it is about people, who’s “external” bodily “reality”, does not match their “internal” bodily image of being disabled/crippled.
Even though, I have a “real” (& medically documented) developmental disability, “Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism (High-Functioning)”, I still have “issues”, as I related earlier this morning, about my own “internal image” of my own physical body, & how I “do not feel whole/complete as a person”, unless the “functionality” of my legs/hips are “permanently taken away”, leaving me in a wheelchair, & me encased in HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces from my “Rib Cage”, down all the way to my “feet”.
BIID (Bodily Image/Identity Disorder), GID (Gender Identity Disorder), & Psychological Infantilism/ABS (Adult Baby Syndrome), are all “similar” in that a person’s “external” reality of body appearance, is “not in line” with a person’s “internal” Brain/Mental “image of oneself”. An “extreme” example of Infantilism/Adult Baby Syndrome, is one of the Grandsons of the founder of “Popular Mechanics Magazine”, who lives down in Phoenix, Arizona, & tries to be a “little baby girl”, called “Heidi Lynn”. He was profiled on one of the television stations down there, in a “Lifestyle News Report”, that I accessed via the www.youtube.com video sharing web page.
Sometimes, there is “overlap” in manifestations of these disorders.
5/29/2008 5:59 PM-
Nate needed me to make another “dump” onto DVD disk, of the contents of his 2G Byte memory card for his Canon EOS ‘Rebel” digital SLR Camera.
5/30/2008 5:21 PM-
Needed to nap again earlier today, after Lunch. Dreamed about “confinement” in an adult-sized hospital-style invalid crib, in my own room, in an institution for the severely developmentally disabled.
Yet, I have never been “locked away” in an institution, as a “High-Functioning” Autistic adult.
During my naptime, I slept peacefully, wearing nothing but my socks, disposable incontinence diaper, & my blue-colored vinyl bib, with “Tigger” on it.
During naptime, I played a little bit with several of my baby rattles, while watching “MisterRoger’s Neighborhood” on my television, to help me “fall asleep” for my nap. 2 of the puppet characters in the “Neighborhood of Make-Believe” part of the television program “Got Married Today”. By Noon Time, I was asleep in my bed, & hugging “Goo-Gee” Bear friend. My naptime dream, about being “locked away” in an institution, was not a “bad dream”. It was a “good dream”, about being loved & cared for, by nurses, who played with me & my toys, bathed & fed me, & put me into HKAFO Orthopedic Leg Braces, for going into the “Day Room”, to interact and play with other severely developmentally disabled adults my own age, in my dream.
5/31/2008 7:36 AM-
Just got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed for the day. This morning I have a couple of video shoots for Derry Community Television to do. Feel sort of physically “wobbly”.
I find myself with a question:
What are the long-term side-effects of combining anti-cholesterol Statin drugs, like Lipitor, with SSRI antidepressant drugs, like Lexapro? Long-term Statin drug use, has been known to induce Multiple Sclerosis-like symptoms, according to something I read not too long ago.
Myelin, encasing nerve fibers, is a “derivative” of Cholesterol, if my memory of animal physiology is correct.
5/31/2008 6:05 PM-
Yesterday, before bedtime, I watched old Saturday Morning Kid-Vid Cartoons from the 1960’s on my computer here in the Den. “Birdman”, “The Galaxy Trio”, & “Space Ghost”.
Right now, I am watching the Evening News on WHDH-TV, Channel 7. One of NASA’s Space Shuttle spacecraft is on its way to the International Space Station, with a Japanese Science Experiment Module to “add” to the Space Station Structure. But also, they are bringing up “replacement” parts, to fix the Space Station’s “Potty Chair”.
5/31/2008 5:43 PM-
Supper was Pancakes again, after I woke up from needing another nap this afternoon, after returning home from being up in Derry, shooting video footage of a couple of civic group events. I had also stopped @ the Kelley Library on my way home, to read my e-mail.
5/31/2008 5:51 PM-
Needed to set up a “small” cooling fan on my computer desk, next to my computers CRT Monitor, & of course, the “time varying magnetic field” of the small 120 VAC electric motor, is inducing a “traveling wave pattern” on the phosphorescent screen of my CRT.
5/31/2008 6:35 PM-
Presidential Candidate Barak Obama, “Quit His Church”, because the Pastor’s of the church he belonged to, have “created a racial firestorm”, over their words from the Pulpit.
Just like the last Presidential Election in 2004, the Presidential Campaign, has degenerated back to playing to people’s biases regarding Race, Religion, & Sexual Orientation.
6/2/2008 9:23 AM-
Had assisted Dad in getting cleaned up & dressed, after I got myself cleaned up, diapered & dressed.
Since there is nothing on television worth watching, I decided to watch another episode of the old 1960’s Sci-Fi TV Show, “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea”.
6/2/2008 1:22 PM-
Needed to “regress” into my “Adult Baby Self” for a while a short time ago. Spent time softly “prattling to myself” in 2 & 3 word sentence “Toddler Talk”. Was saying things like:
“Me Wuv Goo-Gee!”…”Me Wuv Grr-Grr!”…”Me Wet!”…”Me Poopy!”…”Da-Da Wuv Me!”…”Me Wuv Da-Da!”…”Baa-Baa Dinkie Twyme!”.
I also earlier, had a totally uncontrollable “poop accident” in my diaper.
Also “prattled” on an on, softly in high-pitched “Toddler Talk”:
“Me Scared Ma-Ma!”L…”Me Bad Boy?”L…”Ma-Ma? Bed Fiwlt Wit Pee-Pee!”L…”Woggy Froggie?”L…”Me Bad?”L…”Me Bad Boy?”L
Had physical sensation thought memories, about Mom giving me lots of “Spanks” on my bummy, for being “very bad”. Mom punished me also with making me “wear diapers & plastic pants”, every time I “had an accident” inside my “Plastic/Cotton Training Pants”. L
Mommy’s idea of discipline, was @ that time, “go potty into my pants”, I was “forced” to “be a baby”, to “humiliate” me into being “dry & clean”, by the time I started Kindergarten 45 years ago.
6/2/2008 3:49 PM-
I guess that Supper will be “Spaghetti & Cheese”.
As I said earlier, “Diaper Discipline”, done on “Widdle Boys”, is a cause of “Adult Baby Syndrome/Psychological Infantilism”, & is an “unreported” sex crime against children.