Mr Blair in Chiswick offering
commiserations | A
major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early
hours of Wednesday 23rd July 2003.
Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly muttering "fackin ell" and "whatta cant" The earthquake
decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic
burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before
their giro arrived.
Essex FM News (State Radio Station) reported that hundreds of
residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to
terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in
Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running
into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was
watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting,
muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books,
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from
Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for
those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball
caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White
sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in
Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all
the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked
beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a
biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps
and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing
is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea
and Laindon. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the
rubble smothered in claret - 'where are you bleeding from?' they
asked - 'ROMFORD' said the girl 'woss that got to do with it?'
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When I
get older losing my hair, many years from now. Will you still
be sending me a valentine? Birthday greetings bottle of wine?
If I'd been out till quarter to three, would you lock the
door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me? When I'm
sixty-four. 
Dr Kelly Inquiry