Recently I heard someone recite the litany of woes associated with being overweight: dozens of health problems, lack of self-esteem, lack of peer acceptance, psychological problems, the list seems almost infinite. This is, I’m afraid, total bullshit. Admittedly there are some health issues associated with being overweight. Being overweight, however, does not necessarily mean an early and unpleasant death. In fact, it is fully possible for an overweight individual to be healthier than some skinny-minny who ought to be on life support. Physical fitness does not necessarily mean a shapely, rail thin body, and vice versa.       Let’s deal with the next set of issues: self esteem, peer acceptance, and psychological problems. In our society it is extremely unacceptable to be overweight. Everywhere we go we are assaulted with images of women who have the bodies of fourteen-year-old boys with the strange addition of large breasts. Though once I knew a fourteen-year-old boy with large breasts, I don’t really think this is a normal body image for anyone. As I am not a man (I can’t stop saying this. Why does everyone think I’m androgynous?), I’m not entirely certain what the idealized male body image is…though I certainly have a few ideals of my own… I’m sure that such an image is also projected, though to a lesser degree. So everyone says we must have this perfect body, but very few people do.       So we set up these unrealistic expectations, and no one can meet them. Most people, particularly young people, lack the self-assurance to say, “This is the way God made me. I reject your wrong-headed standard of beauty. Fuck off.” So we all (me too) diet and exercise and invest in all sorts of fat restrictive garments. So we all buy into this…and, for the most part, fail wretchedly. I think basing one’s worth on the way one looks in a swimming suit is extremely dehumanizing, but I can’t say I wouldn’t like to look a little better. All-in-all it’s a retarded issue to develop major psycho-social issues over, but I can’t say I don’t understand. I can get all feminist on your ass and rail against oppressive patriarchal mores that keep women down and so on, but I must admit I’ve bought into the lies too.       I went on my first “diet” when I was twelve. Once I went for three years without eating buttered toast. Really I should lose about ten pounds; in the meantime, I have a handy little way of concealing that extra pudge. It involves duct tape, panty hose, and a big pair of scissors. It is not pleasant. I cannot go out in a new outfit without at least three people assuring me I do not look fat. In fact, I have refused to wear certain pairs of shoes because they make me look fat. Crazy, crazy stuff. I could keep going, but you get the idea.       So we’re all scared shitless that we’re going to be fat…except for certain bulimics who

prefer laxatives as a weight loss method…that was horrible. I’m sorry. According to an article in Life magazine almost half of parents would abort a fetus that they knew would grow up to be obese. Sometimes obesity is really about poor choices, and sometimes it’s a product of really shitty genetics…on this I blame my stumpy legs and giant ass. Either way, being fat is one of the supreme sins we can commit in our society. Which is really quite ironic.       Because we as a society are fat. Yeah, so many of us are obese, but I’m talking about something other than physical appearance. We are spoiled. Everything is easy for us. Oh, the middle class. Most of us don’t really work for what we have; those of us not still mooching off our parents have cushy desk jobs that require no real effort on our part. I fully admit to putting in just the amount of work necessary to (when I’m working) get the paycheck or (when I’m at school) keep the grades up. God forbid we ever exert anything like extra effort.       And wasteful too. I could go off on some crazy environmental diatribe about all the resources we waste and the garbage we produce. Suffice it to say, Pledge has created these handy little dusting cloths because we are too fucking lazy to put actual Pledge dusting spray on a cloth in order to dust our furniture. Also “Pasta Anytime” has made the unbelievably difficult job of boiling water for pasta and nuking a jar of sauce even easier. Of course, this produces a ridiculous amount of garbage…but isn’t convenience worth the trouble?       How many people jog an hour on the treadmill in an over-priced health club only to drive a half a mile to work in their SUV? Does this make sense? Have you ever watched a show you didn’t like just because you couldn’t find the remote control? I have. Have you ever been hungry? Or perhaps a better question: have you ever been hungry without the money for a Taco Bell run or a trip to the cafeteria? Or without food in the fridge? There are people in the world today (even in the United States) for whom this is a real problem, but most of us are quietly oblivious as we bitch about the poor selection of food in our cabinets. Have you ever stood in front of a jam-packed closet and screamed “I have nothing to wear?” I have. We are one of the wealthiest nations in the world, and most of us are spoiled little brats as a result. We as a culture are fat, unappreciative, unfulfilled, and oblivious.       So this is my conclusion: physical fat is the big societal narf-narf. I think it is a totally ridiculous thing to dedicate so much time, worry, and resources to, but apparently that’s