Over the coarse of the 98-99 school year, three of our beloved F.H.S. students began this controversial newsletter. Although it was  loved by some, it was hated and feared by others. These depraved morons thought the end of the school year would bring an end to this blatant attempt to shatter the ignorance that plaques our halls.

As much as I hate to hurt anybodies inner child or the tender feelings that dwell inside their chi, I’m afraid  I have to announce the return of the dreaded Stall....that’s right folks let’s hear it for the blue bench we’re back!  But as many of you know it’s hard for a lone conspirator to carry out his plans (even my hero “Dr. evil” has an army of lacky’s to help him) that means I WANT YOU... to send in articles (remember this is an open forum ) if it’s a good article I’ll print it . You can give me interesting stories, jokes, poems, your opinion on anything of value ,  you can’t send letters to Santa Claws but you can send letters to the all powerful, all knowing, mysterious (get the point?) you know....our editor (THE WIZARD OF OZ ) ...... Any how, in these letters you can ask for advice (my opinion) or a big warm hug     ( valid only if an attractive female[ sorry J.D.])

I’m going to keep in touch with Capt. Willard & Ronny to see if I can squeeze some articles out of them. I will also put in movie &music reviews( at least I’ll try....I’m ambitious and lazy ) along with those articles that I wrote last year and never got published ( see, I really am ambitious and lazy).

    Remember kiddies, tell your parents to buy your tickets to Krusty  Land this summer and,

 to help in this our  noble cause, donations are always welcome! (and are frequently asked for).

   One last thing, most of the following articles were written  last summer (including this one) so some things that are spoken of in future or present tense may have happened a few weeks ago.   

“PISSED & LOVIN IT “

  Recently, something very ironic happened.

The guy that my “X”dumped me for dumped her. It’s hard to explain but I have taken her step sister Marla  on several dates (i.e. prom) so naturally I see my “X” every once in a while, well Richie and I just happened to go visit Marla on the same day that this ironic event took place. Marla expected me to comfort Sapphire but, as a semi-conscious male, I realized I had to do so without making Marla jealous (very, very bad situation for me) I knew right away I was a  blindman trying to feel my way through a minefield but, by a miracle of God I pulled it off.

It turns out that Sapphire was going to be in S.L.C. for two weeks and she was going to be only a few miles away from where I work. She gave me her # in S.L.C.

(all under Marla’s watchful eye) and I told her “I’ll call you and we’ll go hang out”... no big deal right? Everything is peachy, Marla isn’t jealous, Sapphire has been effectively

cheered, and I have someone to talk to while I’m up north working.

 Monday rolls around... I finish a long-hard day of chiseling cement out of the floor and putting up with my half-brained twit of a boss, Im still happy because I’m figuring on hangin out with Sapphire and relaxing the evening away. So I get her on the phone and we start talking, after about a half hour things weren’t looking  good. She didn’t want to go any where or do any thing. This is the confusing  part, in the first part of the phone call she was being great, we talked about some personal stuff (you know touchy-feely stuff... the kind girls love) but then, out of the blue she starts to ignore me, whenever I would ask her any question she would answer with “I dunno” or, the dreaded i.net “I’m ignoring you cause’ you suck” response “uh-huh”. (she was also talking to someone else so much of what I said was answered with silence)

I thought to myself “she’s a little upset cause’ she was dumped a short while ago......... I’d better be kind and under standing”.........HA! I put up with that #$!!#@^*%#(the swearing thing’s cheesy..... I know) for about 40 minutes, every time I heard “I dunno” or “uh-huh” that vein in my forehead stuck out that much more! Finally I had enough, I said “you don’t give a damn about what I say.......why in the hell are you ignoring me” then she said “I’ve already had this conversation.... I don’t want to have it again”. On top of all my vein swelling-dog beating rage, now I’m supposed to feel guilty.....aaahhh.(or as Capt. Willard would say “the horror..... the horror”) Once more I ended up abandoning my ideals as I tried to make her feel better, (again I was ignored) after I realized I was wasting my time I found the most tactful way to end the conversation... .....then tried to hang up with out breaking the phone.

This experience has brought me to an astounding conclusion........ women......are.

...like.....drugs!! You think I’m full of it don’t you?........ Here me out. Women, like drugs cause us (men) to: do things we wouldn’t normally do, think things that aren’t real, experience emotional extremes, plus, women are expensive and extremely addictive...... .....just like most drugs!! Most of us guys have no chance of escaping either, I my self

come from a long line of addicts. I was born with a genetic tendency toward this disease. I am yet another victim who, like most, became hooked at a young age...........

.... maybe I’m a raving junky going through withdrawals, or maybe I got up on the wrong

side of the blue bench this morning....... either way, I’m going out to get my next hit.

 “Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s always fatal”-anonymous

            Farce

The fourth of July

First off I would like to say that I love my country and the ideals it was founded on, this article is my commentary about the ironic way in which we celebrate our “INDEPENDENCE”.....

Now that I have made a pathetic attempt at a disclaimer, lets get brutal. Isn’t it strange that our beloved “Independence Day” is the most regulated holiday we have? Nobody tells us that our Christmas tree is too big..... no one says “your costume is too scary”. On this holiday we are told what fireworks we can and can’t have and, when and where we can use them.  I find it disgusting to see that most peoples idea of being patriotic is buying and using hundreds of little firecrackers, most of which are made in a little COMMUNIST COUNTRY called China. Even that isn’t as bad as the fact that most of my countrymen think July,4,1776 is the day we defeated the British ,and only slightly less pathetic is that some people don’t know when the War of 1812 took place! I’m not kidding either, on the late show with Jay Lenno they were interviewing people in the streets, over half of the people interviewed didn’t know when The War of 1812 happened (if you don’t know then you should drop your drawers, bend over, grab your toes and get ready for the New World Oder!). As a nation, we end up spending millions of dollars (probably more) supporting another nation’s (China) economy while we show our independence by practicing conformity......

I think most of us missed the point, patriotism isn’t something you do once a year,(like generosity at Christmas time or stupidity on valentines day) it’s a life long struggle to preserve your God-given rights and to do the same for your fellow man. Patriotism isn’t telling others what they can and can’t buy, sell, drink, smoke, grow, believe, think, or own so we can all lead “happy, productive lives”. A patriot doesn’t have an attitude like “My son was killed by a car... ...... I want all cars banned! [sob]” (replace “car” with “gun”...get my point?).  A real patriot accepts responsibility for their own actions and expects the same of others.

“Love thy God with all thy heart, might, mind, and soul, and love thy neighbor as thy self” is how one man put it.

If you don’t know what patriotism is, you need to tape chicken feathers to your arms and try to fly over the grand canyon.

 

         “Ignorance is the deadliest epidemic known to man”-

Papa Smurf

It’s mushroom time in the big US of A folks,

you know what mushrooms are don’t you? They are those little fungi things that are kept in the dark and fed on bull s**t, so lets turn on the evening news for another dose of government propaganda.

Did you know that last month they announced on channel thirteen news that martial law would be declared on December 31, 1999 “just in case there is a problem with Y2K, it won’t really change anything folks so don’t worry about it”.  Etc, etc, etc.  We then being obedient little moronic couch potatoes promptly went back to sleep (assuming of course that we were awake in the first place).  They were right in at least one respect, nothing really important will change, after all Martial law has been declared not less than five times and never once rescinded.  Remember the constitution, that often referred to but never read document?  Well, when martial law is declared the constitution is suspended and we are then are under martial law rule, sometimes erroneously called ‘democracy’.  Since Abe Lincoln’s time we have not lived under the constitution. Surprise, surprise.  Franklin Delano (treasonous) Roosevelt declared war on the American people on March the 6^th 1933 so the government could rule us with administrative regulations, licenses etc. All of us have grown up under the War & Emergency powers Act section 5c so we truly do not know what real freedom is.  Some do, they are called patriots (a bad name according to the government) and they are fighting as best they can to preserve it.-  To be continued

 

 

(yepee!! a new land speed record, about 3000 mph)  The film makers apparently didn’t realize that utah is larger than cane beds(I even saw a sand dune in the back ground at promontory). Another one of those unexplained lumps in the movie is why the evil scientist (head bad guy) is infatuated with spiders. The usual corn ball bad guy has a sort of mascot to provide a theme by which he performs all of his evil doings. Usually a reason for the mascot is given (i.e. the joker, mr. Freeze, ect.)

But there is no explanation given for the spider motif; one reason I came up with is that since the head bad guy doesn’t have legs and since spiders have eight of’em ...... naw, I doubt that the writer was that intelligent. (I’m surprised the moron could even use a keyboard).

In conclusion, I feel it was a terrible movie, I think the film makers should print public apologies in all major news papers and admit the abuse of household cleaners during the making of this film. I feel dumber for having watched it myself, if you don’t believe me, go watch it.    I would  rather spent my time in a Turkish prison bathroom  ,with out toilet paper, enjoying violent colitis, stomach flue, a few S.T.D’s in their final stages , and a large gal stone than see that movie again.

  movies worth watching:

  Mid summer’s night’s dream ***

Austin Powers II the spy who shagged me****

American pie ****

Star wars **

Train Spotting*****

The Matrix******

 I only spend a lot of time complaining about really bad movies (call me a cynic) the movies above are rated according to the # of * next to them. All of those movies above are well worth the money to go see. As far as the music reviews go I’ll only complain about really gay, lame or otherwise untalented bands( N’suck, fagstreet boys, ect.) 

   “Feel the burn”

          (misadventures of the swapmeet-part 1)

On a bright & sunny (hot and windy) afternoon I was enjoying a long, hot day of bargaining with people who have questionable immigration habits ( “no speaka  da English” ) at the Salt Lake swap meet. I was there as a favor to my boss. He needed to get rid of about 250 pine bench/picnic table sets and ,being the kind & courteous employee that I am, I volunteered. Across from me in another booth was a dark haired goddess( not quite goddess but..... well.... almost {ironically, her name was Angel}) It was a windy day and my one day business licence blew into her booth, she came over to give it to me and, with my oozing charm at full ooze, we hit it off. I was to meet her at a pool hall..... anyhow after the day was over I was enjoying the shade in my friends booth (waiting to go meet her at the pool hall) when a frightening odor came to my attention. I had been sweating all day but I had no idea I would smell that bad. I told my friend about how my aromatic problem will really give that girl a good impression .......we both set out around the booth to find something to remedy this catastrophic crisis.......then .....there it was! Shining like the holy grail... it was.... “all natural”

“non toxic air freshener”. Josh tried it first and sure enough it worked... no more b. o.,I tried it next with the same results, we had just started to talk about how smart we were when Josh mentioned he was noticing a slight burning sensation in his pits. I laughed at him because I didn’t feel anything......... then I started to notice a kind of itchy burning in my pits as well.”What’s in that #@$!” I said. Then we looked at the bottle...... “warning: avoid contact with skin......” was written in small print on the back. It was now clear what must be done..... we started across the parking lot,(the swap meet is located at a very large drive in movie theater.... needless to say the parking lot is huge!!!) we were looking for the showers that were supposedly located at the camping ground next to the swap meet. Across the vast wasteland of asphalt we went, at first it was just a quick paced walk, but as the searing pain got worse our pilgrimage became a marathon for life. Finally after what seemed to be the equivalent of crossing the great plains, we reached the campground..... to our morbid horror we couldn’t find

anything that even had water in it, no showers, no toilets, not even a faucet. I looked at the sky as if to ask what I had done to deserve this fate, then the sound of sprinklers came to my ear....... like a scared antelope I darted toward the blessed sound. To the right of me there were three attractive women sitting on the grass, I wonder what they thought as I ran past them as though I was being chased by a gang of gay-cannibal -midget-rapists? Without shame I plunged into the murky puddles, I took off my shirt and tried to use it as a rag to wipe away the pain. I soon realized people were stopping to gawk at me and that the sprinkler wasn’t working either. I placed my soaked shirt in my arm pits and started back toward the campground.... this time a girl was sitting outside...... I began to question her like I was a frightened schoolgirl,(I was on the verge of curling into the fetal position) once she gave us directions to the showers the race was on once again. The last lap in a race is always the longest, the same rules applied here. Every thing slowed down except for the crippling pain in my pits(the slower I went the faster the pain grew) when at long last I arrived but the mens shower was locked...... I  was hosed..... the only thing left to do now was hang myself with my shoe laces (at least a semi-dignified death) I had all but given up...... then I realized I could hit two birds with one stone.....I finally could see the inside of a women’s shower...... and.....stop the insanity!!(muhahaha-hehe-ah-hahaha-wahoo-yippee [hey, it’s the most sinister laugh I could write]) The bathroom wasn’t what I expected... no satellite t.v. no Jacuzzi, no mini bar, it was just like a guy’s bathroom...... with out a wall mounted urinal.... josh jumped into the shower almost before I got in the room and, since I didn’t want anyone to see me wrestle a naked thirteen year old boy out of the shower, I decided to go for the sink. After scrubbing until my skin was near to bleeding the burning began to subside.......

I learned many things from this experience:

first and for most, “safe....nontoxic” don’t mean $@%?, there are things much worse than the worst b.o., that girl wasn’t worth nearly what I went  through for her,(long story... maybe next issue) spur of the moment “good ideas” usually aren’t as good as they sound, “and never, never willingly eat the green ones.”

“SMILE YOU SON OF A $@#%@”

People think I’m weird because I kind of enjoy it when bad things happen to me (not really “enjoy” but... I take it well) I usually find the bad events in my life funny, I just found a quote that explains my deposition.......”It was soon after I cleaned up and I was beginning to realize that I was going to have to experience feelings for the first time in my life. I found out that pain is good and extreme pain is extremely good. If the best lessons in life are painful, then pain is inevitable”~ Mike Ness (lead singer for Social Distortion)

“We all crucify ourselves between two thieves; regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow”~unknown

  Sving higha!!

Let’s take a moment to talk about something that most people would rather forget...... if you haven’t guessed it yet then you never will, so I’d best tell you....... Nazi’s! Just what is a Nazi... to most people it’s a dirty word reserved for the worst of people....you know....right-wing extremists, racists, any one who owns a gun, militia members, pot smokers& anyone who didn’t vote for Bill Clinton.... just about any one the government doesn’t like is labeled with some sort of sinister title that induces fear into the hearts of simple minded peasants so that when the government decides to get rid of those nonproductive, nonfunctional members of society, every one will say “it’s about time” or “those psycho’s had it coming” . I say “ actions speak louder than words”, so lets examine some facts to determine who’s who: first of all, Naziism is not racism, the term “Nazi”is an abbreviation for National Socialist Germany, a regime that ruled Germany during the thirties and forties.( All those skinheads who say that they are “Nazi” don’t know what they are calling themselves.) So what was the Nazi government like? The Nazis had a form of government that is known as socialism. Communism, socialism, & fascism are all very similar; they all involve government control over what should be private property such as your money, your land, your religion your children, even your body.  What does Naziism involve? Here are some examples of what Naziism involves: social security, medicare, public schools, government funded “youth” programs, taxation, a central bank, paper money, (hmm, guess it really does grow on trees!!)public-private partnerships, gun control, no god in schools.... Those are just a few of the changes that Hitler instituted after he was elected......(the Olympics were also held in Germany while Hitler was in office, can anybody say 2002? [It’s just an interesting coincidence...I know]) Oh you thought I was talking about us for a minute....”but that can’t be, we are free!”... “the Nazis went around and killed people with machine guns....and.... you had to have your papers when ever you went any where.”

Who has our government killed with machine guns....... one word..... WACO, only this time instead of saying “damn, dirty jews” everybody was saying “damn, dirty cult members”. Are you starting to feel sick...no you are thinking “this guy is a psycho... how dare he question our freedom!” Remember how in Germany you had to have your “papers” with you at all times? Next time you get stopped by a cop tell him you don’t have id and all of a sudden you will become a criminal. He’ll search you and everything with you. He’ll tell you that you have to have id with you at all times or else he can take you to jail (I’m not making this up, Wes got pulled over and Officer Knox tried to pull that s**t on him) The reason Hitler got away with what he did is simple, Germany flourished under his rule, people said “as long as the economy is good then I don’t care.”After WWI Germany was under tremendous debt, Hitler was able to pull an entire nation out of deep depression.  By the time everybody got wise to his psycho ways it was too late, he had the full power of a dictator. It was the severe depression in Germany that allowed for the rise of Hitler, our own “great depression” helped give rise to our own Nazi way of life. (you know...... SOCIAL(ist) PROGRAMS!!)  During Clinton’s impeachment trial I heard a lot of people on TV say,”as long as the economy is good then I don’t care.” Haven’t you noticed that all of the people who are former friends/business partners of Bill’s have a tremendously high suicide rate? Do you know that in the event of martial law being declared this December due to the “Y2K” scam, Bill Clinton will become, for all intents and purposes, a dictator for the duration of the“crisis”& for up to seven years thereafter? History always repeats it’s self, the reason why is simple, human nature, it doesn’t change, and it always leads down the same painful, blood soaked road.

“A dog never bites the hand that feeds, therein lies the principle difference between man and dog”~Mark Twain(I think)

“Wake up Johny, there are some nice men here to see you”

It was early morning about 5 a.m., my father and I had just given up working for the night about three hours before..... We were both asleep and I dare say I was enjoying my dream, I was in a room with three women.... lets just say I was .....dreaming.....comfortably. I looked at one of these angels with passion in my eye, then I heard her say “POLICE DEPARTMENT! POLICE DEPARTMENT!”......By now my dream world was gone..... I awoke to see two large men with their flash lights in one hand and their pistols in the other.... they were standing at the foot of my bed with their hardware pointed at me! I was still half asleep but I already had a plan.... I was going to fearlessly grab my pocket knife and lunge from my bed to fend off these intruders!! Once again I heard the piercing shout “POLICE DEPARTMENT! POLICE DEPARTMENT!” This woke me up and I realized that if I tried to carry out my plans of self defense they would most likely shoot and beat me mercilessly. The bewilderment in my head was gone now, only utter, burning annoyance remained. I felt like shouting “NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE! NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE!” My Dad was awake now, on his face was the priceless look of complete surprise...... I stood up to turn on the light, I looked down..... I’m so glad I decided to go with boxers instead of my usual nude slumber..... my father said “good morning, is there anything I can do for you gentlemen?” (I think he was trying to be sarcastic) The cops said there had been a burglary next door and, since our door was unlocked, they decided to check our building out too. We  then explained the circumstances under which we came to be sleeping in the shop that night. After our case was stated, one cop apologized for the rude awakening, the other one said “you got ID?” Both my father and I were in our under wear, we looked at each other.... my dad said “I don’t think I have ID on me right now”; in my mind were the words “Ya ! I’ve got ID... give me a sec and I’LL PULL IT OUT OF MY A$$! Unfortunately the “self-preservation filter” between my brain and my mouth made it sound like this “Ya, I’ve got my ID right here”........ eventually the cops left, apparently satisfied at ruining another nights sleep...... the moral of the story: don’t sleep in anything that you wouldn’t want a lot of perfect strangers to see you in, always lock the door..... not to keep out criminals(you can shoot them) but to keep out the cops, and last but not least, keep your “papers” with you(even while sleeping naked)

Most of you won’t get that NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE thing..... when I was younger I always used to see this ad on tv, it was one of those terrible ads in which the announcer shouts everything... at the end of the ad he would always shout “NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE! NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE!”(the name of the store)anyhow, when the cop shouted “POLICE DEPARTMENT! POLICE DEPARTMENT!” it reminded me of “NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE! NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE!” 

       “FEEL ME UP SCOTTY”

            (misadventures of the swap meet-part II)