Writing on the Stall

The Great Republican Swindle
by Cpt. Willard

      Just now, as I sat down to compose what I envisioned to be a heated, brilliant rebuttal to Bush's State of the Union Address, I second-guessed myself, thinking, "Surely, nearly a month later is too late to bring up such old news." It's not, and stop calling me Shirley.
      It wasn't too late when Abraham Lincoln ripped away state sovereignty under a shroud of false philanthropy. It wasn't too late when Franklin Roosevelt imposed foolish marxist ideals, dooming us to a life of economic slavery and stagnation. It's still not too late to address those political attrocities and it sure as hell isn't too late to address one a month later.
      It's been a year since Dubya has graced the halls of the fluid stained oval office and the republicans are just thrilled to death. They won the playground war and they have exclusive rights to the swingset for four years. All the while, republicans remain blissfully ignorant of Bush's gargantuan federal agenda.
      Bush's plans are hard to discern in his State of the Union Address, shrouded behind a putrid mountain of patriotic rheotric. The dictatorial tendencies are obvious to me, but I understand that not everyone has the ability to speak Collectivese. For these reasons, I've provided an interpretation for portions of Dubya's Address.

Quote:
"Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens:"

Interpretation:
"Comrades:"

Quote:
"Our war on terror is well begun, but it is only begun. This campaign may not be finished on our watch, yet it must be and it will be waged on our watch."

Interpretation:
"I'm not stopping until all of you have a government barcode stamped on your collective asses."

Quote:
"Our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short-term."

Interpretation:
"Don't worry, I'll contradict myself later."

Quote:
"I support extending unemployment benefits and direct assistance for health care coverage."

Interpretation:
"Told ya' so."

Quote:
"Good jobs depend on sound tax policy, let's make these tax cuts permanent."

Interpretation:
"See previous interpretation."

Quote:
"I ask Congress to join me this year to enact a Patients' Bill of Rights, to give uninsured workers credits to help buy health coverage, to approve an historic increase in the spending for veterans' health, and to give seniors a sound and modern Medicare system that includes coverage for prescription drugs."

Interpretation:
"I plan on retaining tax cuts and keeping the deficit small by increasing the government until...... Did you see my shiny blue tie?"

      Let's face it, Bushy was afforded the opportunity to deliver the easiest State of the Union Address imaginable. Consider that 75% of his speach was directed towards American sentimentality and kickin' camel-jockey ass. Dubya could have hawked a mucus-ball on Gephardt's forehead as long as he mentioned New York's police and fire departments.
      However, for the brief moments where Dubya felt compelled to mention some actual policy, it becomes obvious that his plans begin to conflict. It's not complicated. You can't decrease deficit and give tax-cuts if you're going to make government BIGGER!
      Somehow, that three or four hundred dollar check really meant the world to the G.O.P. It's really quite a brilliant, Machiavellian sort of plan to appease the masses with a lollipop while your hands are in their pockets doing goodness knows what besides taking money. Pervert.
      Congratulations, sphincter boy. You told them exactly what they wanted to hear and now you're the most popular geek in high school. No offense to high school geeks that give good speeches, Cleo.