The Games By Schweenie The old man, bent with age and shriveled by years of poor diet and sedimentary lifestyle walked through the door, wearing bright red Reebok jogging sweats with white running stripes Said he was looking for a watch... something sporty. You fraudulent bastard, your no athlete. It's been decades at least since you have broken a sweat. I hate the word "sporty". I hate using it, hearing it, seeing any evidence of it. It is the manifestation of piteous aged people, consumed by projecting a healthy, active image. You'll sometimes see the Nike "swish" window decal on the back of a never been off road raised 4 wheel drive truck; beautifully detailed with chrome, custom paint, roll bar, kc lights, topped off with custom "COOLDAD" license plate and cherry red fuzzy dice dangling from the rear view. Crusty women with the classic cellulite-Alaskan-ass and thighs stretch Adidas spandex over lost figures and mashed potato-tits. While children eat Olympic ski team endorsed happy meals, candy bars and soft drinks, Michael tells us we'd better eat our wheaties. As plump gangsters "bust caps" and "bust macks" and hide in the look-alike guise of "sports heroes" running in circles accomplishing nothing but sweat. Soar past on your Goodyear hindinberg oh Great Champions of Masturbation. Your state is low and disgusting to all that is sane. Where did it start? how shall it end? Will women dress infants in jerseys and team logos while casting them into pits and arenas? Perhaps our sports stadiums will become temples where we worship our gods of flesh. Haven't they already? Or have our sport temples been replaced by our electric living room idols giving us... Guess I'm not a team player.

Hanson Strives for Fresh Musical Direction By Cpt. Willard       It appears the band that took the pop world by storm in 1997 is looking for a new musical shtick. "We were just really tired of the musical direction we had been tied to. It felt very bland and juvenile," states youngest and most feminine looking member Zac Hanson.       Hailing from Tulsa, Oklahoma, Hanson was initially seen as the shining star of superficial, low-brow pop. One music critic even had the confidence to proclaim them, "the next Pat Boone of teen-pop."       Now such critics can put their brash theories and candy-coated musical visions to rest. Hanson intends to reinvent themselves as a death-metal trio.       "There was always something very appealing about pure evil," comments Isaac Hanson. "I mean, there was a real feeling that our music was becoming stagnant. While Cannibal Corpse is out there singing, 'Emasculate, gouging crotches I will eat,' we were on our seventeenth verse of Mmmbop. After a certain point, we just had to admit that we were falling behind creatively."       When asked how they would adjust intrumentally, Taylor Hanson replied, "Well, obviously Isaac will be playing darker, faster riffs while Zac is building up a newer drum kit with way too many cymbals: you know, something more conducive to death metal. Of course, there's no place for my keyboard in a death metal band, so, in the interest of our image, I've purchased a pipe organ that I can pedal around stage; oh, and a big stove pipe hat. I thought that would look cooler."       Surprisingly, the band intends to retain its original name. "Well, yeah," insists Zac Hanson, "I mean, it's our last name. What the hell else are we going to call our band?"       Hanson will debut their new look and sound at the Casablanca Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada, between the fifth and sixth evening Kino rounds.