WTC Replacement Plans Released By Captain Willard          In the wake of the recent, tragic events of 9/11, much has been speculated about proposed replacements for the former moguls of the American spirit: the World Trade Center towers.          In a press conference on Agust 27, at the country-western themed bar, Scoot n' Hoot, Mayor Bloomberg announced the finalization of plans for a new building to be constructed atop the ruins of the twin towers.          A variety of ideas were submitted, not the least of which were; A garden hose emporium, the Kiss Towers, another large phallic shaped monument, and a russian doll type of construction, consisting of a large building with progressively smaller buildings inside of it.          However, in the end, a panel of judges; including Rosie O'Donnel, Tom Cruise, Neil Young, and Kumar the area hot-dog vendor, authorized plans for a singular building to grace the surface of ground zero. The panel thought it best to go with one large building with a girth sufficient to cover the area formerly occupied by both towers. The building has been appropriately named "The Western-Capitalist-American-Christianplex."          The new building will stand an additional thirty nine stories higher than the former towers, which Mayor Bloomberg called, "A gigantic 'fuck you' to any muslim who's paying attention."          The building will house a myriad of shops and offices. Floor eight will feature the foodcourt, which consists of a mere two restaurants: an apple pie shop and Jerry's Big-Ass Barbecue and Grill. Floor twenty eight will house Jerry Falwell's center for homosexual paranoia. Donald Trump has already purchased floors ten through sixteen, which he says is "for the exclusive purpose of frantically running around in the nude."          Also featured on floors thirty six through fifty eight, is the anti-terrorist business group, Sneider, Sneider, and Humperdink, whose sole purpose is to accomplish the task of exporting millions and millions of cases of the failed Pepsi Blue to Al Qaida at a ridiculous profit.          The exterior to the building will feature an allaborate array of chaser lights similar to those found on the Las Vegas strip. The aesthetic is completed by the letters W.W.J.D. emblazoned on the building's southern plane.          Plans are for construction to begin on November 5, 2002, the first day of Ramadan. To further contribute to the destruction of this sacred Islamic holiday, the entire Northeastern portion of the U.S. has agreed to hold St. Patrick's Day early. As Boston native Robert O'Sullivan observed, "There's no better way to fight terrorism than to drink cheap, green-colored beer and act like a drunken idiot." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Back