| GRADUATION NIGHT! QUOTES FROM THE MOUTHS OF IDIOTS Like all things of the night, graduation night in the spring of 1994 was a bit scarry, deffinitly fun, but above all memorable. We set out like a reckless band of punk ass high school kids, which we were, our minds set on partying our asses off in the celebration of never having to bow to Mrs. Groves again ("Ever taken a picture of your meouf, and shut it.") We waited out the mandatory graduation dinner (you can see Stan and I already getting crazy) and gathered at a small restaurant in Worcester to plot our mischief. The answer, "OF COURSE" we thought, "TO CHIP'S CAPE HOUSE!" Ah yes, the infamous partying at the summer house when no parental units are around trick. It worked to perfection. You may ask yourself, "How could a night so built up to be so crazy and alcoholic be so well remembered?" Well, gentle readers, I was not the partying fool back then that I am now, I was as conservative as I could be. Not to say that I did not drink and drive back then and I do now, I am never that stupid. More like, I used to sleep in beds with drunk girls all the time and never hook up with them, I never broke cerfew, and I practically NEVER got drunk. So it was that I was dubbed a designated driver, and as I sped down to the cape in the old Geo Metro loaded up with freshly graduated seniors chomping at the bit to have a good time I was thinking to myself "How the hell am I going to have fun with a bunch of drunk idiots?" In the flash of Eddy's tail-lights as they pulled farther and farther away from me cruising down the highway I found my answer: Make fun of them all night! And so it was I decided to put pen to paper and write down every funny quote I heard that night. I was centrally located in the living room, the perfect place to grab sage wisdom, complete idiocy and all that made no sense. So, without further ado: "I'm phatter than Leather" -Stan "I'm just stupid" -Chip in response "Stan, don't eat anything." -Alan "Aren't drunk people amusing?' -Stan "They're more than a mouthful" -Brian, on Alan's buttocks "Watch this, I'm gonna' use it on the hoochies." -Stan, on his pimp walk "When Hallie gets wasted she looks more and more like her baby pictures." -Brian "I keep on thinking someone's gonna come in the window, and, you know..." -Jane "Brian, it's all relative." -Alan "He's gone *shaking his head* He's gone." -Stan, on Chip "Guys, there are so many fucking beers, why don't you get drunk?!?" -Hallie "Al, you are the most boring thing to watch in the world." -Alan, on Alex "She's in never never land man." -Diana, on Jamie "I made a funny face. Hey, that's not fair, you made a funny face too." -Stan talking to someone I can't remember "Stan, you drank them" -Chip "No, I think I just ate the oranges off the trees." -Stan in response "Let me explain." -Stan a full minute later "Stupid" -Me "Life is better from up here." -Brian, sitting slumped on the couch "You know what, alcohol doesn't affect me, until I drink a lot. Maybe I am drunk." -Chip "Being naked is comfortable." -Alan "I'm not a dog." -Hallie "Where's the downstairs?" -Hallie "IT'S BENEATH US!" -Alan, in response "We should do this with our parents sometime." -Stan "We should." -Brian, in response "I mean, it would be cool to have a wife and kids and all, but then you would have responsabilities." -Alex "She screws her parents." -Jen, on Hallie "Word to your mommy." -Alex "Oh God." -Chip, in response "Jamie, you should see the wrinkles in your face." -Eddie "I know, isn't it scarry?" -Jamie, in response "You're still like kind of, yeah, yeah." -Jamie, to no one in particular "A plateau, then up." -Jen "Where up?" -Jamie, in response "Brian, do you know you're rubbing her nose?" -Alan, as Brian rubs Jane's nose "I want to see what happens." -Brian, in response "A Jeanie comes out" -Eddie, in response "Extra fucked up? That's gonna need another beer!" -Diana "When they say party every day, do they mean Monday through Friday or like Saturday to Monday?" -Chip "Liquor before beer? No, shit, I forgot." -Diana "I love you man. Hey Stoner." -Stan, to Chip and Me "I love drunk people." -Stan "I just tell my mother I'm a drunk." -Stan "Don't you think it's more fun to kiss someone than to drink their back-wash?" -Diana "Pick a hole and blow." -Alex, as he chooses one of the many holes in Hallie's pants to blow into |