Oldest Entries

6 /2/ 2002 - SO yeah i know i having written on here in forever so I'M giving you all a reward for checking back (if you can consider it a reward) and here is the reward : www.deadjournal.com\users\dugdrumma\.

1/22 /2002 - wow people actually sent stuff in. Fabulous! Anyway its me again. so first let me address the things that people sent me. There was one email that was just praiseful of me. "Mad props to you", was in it and said what they thought. That's great but I'm not looking for praise, so anyone need not bother to include it...but if you must. (yeah that's the closest thing to an ego trip I've had all week. Another was referring to the fact of morality, an intriguing issue."...how leaders who are normally moral may sometimes have to be amoral...I don't think I could ever be a leader with that responsibility because of the heavy choices. like I honestly don't know if I would have declared war on Afghanistan , if i would follow my morals. Its kinda sad that people, in order to "make things right", have to resort to killing. its so ironic." The dilemma of man is that besides instincts he has a brain that can logically (or illogically). So in that arises the question of right and wrong. Is it right to kill a chicken and eat it? Is it right to kill a dog and eat it? Is it alright to kill a human and eat it? (these are just some examples, I didn't mean to gross you out.) So the process of deciding what's moral, good or bad, in what situation is difficult enough but then to decide whether or not you should do what is right give the situation. The 'Does this dress make me look fat' question comes to mind. If lying is bad is it right to hurt some one emotionally? What about if a 'moral action can produce a result that would be unmoral or bad? There are many complicated avenues that can be taken in this moral, immoral, amoral thought process to me there is no way to know what will be right in the end, lord knows I screw up more then the average person.(-: all one can do is look out for the best interests of oneself and those one loves, and then let jimminy cricket lead you the best you can follow. (note mistakes can and WILL happen, no one is perfect) as for the third i received, she said "You know that picture taken of the three firefighters putting up an American flag at the WTC? They've made a statue out of it. But instead of three white firefighters, it's changed to one Caucasian, one African American, and one Hispanic. I think that's taking political correctness way too far. I know they're trying to make it symbolize a diverse America coming together, but there are other ways of doing that. The color of their skin has nothing to do with their heroism, just like the color of African Americans' skin should have nothing to do with segregation and prejudice. " This is soo true. I was recently reading an article about the lack or black people in harry potter. There were two. Both were minute roles and the only way one could tell them apart is by ones dreadlocks. They were obviously only put that way to not have the title of 'an all white cast'. Now, i think this is due to peoples over-sensitivity about race and prejudice. Just cause i say "this black guy robbed a store today" I'm not putting down African-Americans or any people with dark skin I'm merely stating that a man who has black skin robbed a store. And the fact that i used that particular example has nothing to do with my feeling towards black people. We're all just people. If people wouldn't be so damn sensitive then maybe we could get past the point of racism and everything else. And on political correctness, its a fine line you shouldn't try to be offensive yet you shouldn't adjust things to suit everyone. If something- especially art - is changed to be political correctness then what is the point; It loses all substance. So anyway this week is regents week so i have the week off, but before you cheer, let it be know that i have to go in for musical rehearsal. The music man is definitely coming together. I also have schoolwork to do. Which reminds me of something else....TO RELAX. I forget where, but I recently read that excessive stress can cause deterioration of brain cells. yes being overwhelmed can cause you to go dumb, so i guess that's good enough reason to not worry and let it roll. Other than that, things are pretty good. I should start exercising more but i can't get to the weight room; after rehearsals are done, I will. Track season is coming and I'm gonna through far!! Write an email to George Bush today; participate in this government tell him what you think should be done. Its you place as Americans. If you're not American write to someone and be a presence. Fight for what you believe in. (that's my fortune cookie for today, lol)(hey fortune cookies rarely have actual fortunes lol) bye peace and love to you all (let it roll - common sense)

1/14 /2002 - I apologize to my following for the lag in entries! -- Not to much has happened lately. School, band trip info came in, it's gonna be fun. I've started ski club and after not boarding for eternity, I'm beginning to pick it up. It's fun fun fun. Although I'm not making much progress with this girl whose in it as well. (Just f.y.i. knocking a girl down by accident is not a good way to impress.) just some more direct messages to you: I like feedback my inbox seems to have more get rich quick scams everyday and i never get any sit feedback there's a link right above!! ok sorry, i just get lonely sometimes. ... While cruising along the highway with my mother and sister at steady 68.92 mph to get my sister to her art lesson that was canceled but i forgot about the cancellation call, all well listening to a high pitched alanis morrisett song I realized something; we were all tired. This went deeper than your average sleep depravation too. My mom had been on edge all week as had my sister and I. Simple problems turned into depressing and angry situations. I guess after, hmm let's see 2002-1977, hmm 25 years of mother hood she gotten a bit tired lol and there is still 2 more to go till I'm off to school. Don't get me wrong i love my mom to death, she's the greatest person in my life, but sometimes she has a really negative attitude. But yeah, so the last week has just been tense around my house. But we all knew it and so lately we've gotten kinda normal, but there are things to be done, seemingly ominous tasks upon tasks - but not really. I wish it were spring already. Its amazing what a sun and warm weather can do. But we keep on. In the musical at school, is going ok but it seems to me there is a lot of down time almost 50%. But in contrast maybe that lag and time where nothing is accomplished makes it bearable. All I know is that is definitely less efficient and more lax than any sports I've done. As was inevitable, the issue of religion popped up again in my life. A friend of mine- female, Baptist Christian, listens to Christian rock etc. - began to say how she would hate if I ended up in hell. Now I forget what i written before about the topic, but I am defiantly open about such things a respectful in all ways. So I go on to tell her how I admit I don't know and how scientific explanations of natural phenomenon have flaws in my opinion as well as flaws for certain spiritual explanations. Also that I think it is impossible to know what's after this life if anything at all, how I am skeptical but completely open to the possibility of higher power(s) grounds etc. But I also said how I'm not worrying about it that much. I'm out to do the best, and enjoy as much as i can this life and leave a positive mark on the world. But Of course, I get back as a response "I care about you and I really don't want you to go to hell." Now this is true flattery, in fact i took this as a great compliment a showing of love. (in retrospect you'd probably have to be pretty apathetic not to care or to wish someone to hell (if you truly believe its a very common possibility of the afterlife)) I love my friends, man if people would just say love a little bit more( you know what I'm saying?), and i respect and think the greatest of those religious ones of mine nothing but the best and wouldn't have them change themselves one bit against their will. But I cant drive myself to say I am right and so many people will be damned because they didn't have certain circumstances or that granted a greater power he would be so misunderstanding of his own creations. As I write this I guess that's a bit of faith too, but also i say hey, maybe I'm gonna go to hell, i wouldn't think it justified but if that's how it is and I'm totally wrong I guess I gotta live(or die or whatever) with that. In the end we're all just little specs of dust in this huge mysterious universe and we're all trying gain some understanding before we get blown away by cosmic winds. Some people are not content with "i dunno" for them they often confide in science or religion or anything else. (when you look at it that way those scientists and those "fundies" (no offense, just trying to get an idea across) are more the same than you might think) I embrace the mysteries that are; I doubt if I'll ever stop looking for answers and hopefully if i ever find any they will be closer to correct than i was before. May all of you search for yourselves, your truth, your souls, and your understanding. whatever your dogma I ask you to use your brain to discern what is right and to carry that out. Keep loving others, sometimes giving so much only to get nothing is like getting so much more. Peace! (live -where fishes go)

(damn, I must be butter cause in that entry I was on a roll -thank you sportscenter (-:)

12/ 24/ 2001 - Hello, It's snowing outside! (But not in ski country! GRRR) During this holiday time, a lot of energy is focused on Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas many people grow to know is one that is about gifts and food. People should remember what this time is really about: a remembrance of a man who, whether you are not a Christian or believe in any deity at all, changed the world. So, what would this man say? or Mohammed? or Abraham? or Buddha for that matter? Well I'll be darned! Buddha has a reincarnate. Well just for those who aren't knowledgeable The Dalai Lama is the leader of certain forms of Buddhism. Whether or not you think he is some sort of religious presence, he is still a remarkable man. So I've decided to give a short excerpt from one of his speeches to remind everyone what the holidays are about whether you are Islamic, Christian, Jewish, or in the cult of the green lizard. (-: So here it is:

All religions agree upon the necessity to control the undisciplined mind that harbors selfishness and other roots of trouble, and each teaches a path leading to a spiritual [and physical] state that is peaceful, disciplined, ethical, and wise. It is in this sense that I believe all religions have essentially the same message. Differences of dogma may be ascribed to differences of time and circumstances; indeed, there is no end to scholastic argument when we consider the purely metaphysical side of religion. However, it is much more beneficial to try to implement daily the shared precepts for goodness taught by all religions rather than to argue about minor differences in approach.

This is a call to get along. I'm not a religious person but I'm one to think this is a good message for everyone from atheists to Zen Buddhists. (that's a joke there (-:) So for my holiday wish, I ask something of you - I will do the same. I ask all of you to take a glass of wine (non-alcoholic if need be (-:), lift it up to the sky, and give a toast for the world - for some sanity and love in this crazy place, after all, it is our home. Thanks. May these holidays be safe, joyous, and bring something special to you and your family and friends. And take it easy on the nog, swimsuit season is only 5 months away (-:. Peace, love, and a good, safe time to you all. ( The complete Nutcracker - Tchaikovsky, There is a particular recording I like by the London Symphony(it's pretty common)> also take note that although mostly you hear the music that it was commissioned to go with the choreography that was already done for the ballet. F.y.i. )

12/ 22/ 2001 - The other day I was watching Politically Incorrect. They were discussing how if people didn't have Christmas lights up less money would be sent to the Middle East and less would go towards funding terrorist groups. A lady, I forget who it was now, said that the lights were important because they bring cheer to people, which is needed even more this year. This helps the question arise - how indulgent should we be? I would say that people shouldn't put up x-mas lights, but for fear of being a hypocrite I will say that people who can signal the space station using their lights should cut back. But in general (disregarding wasteful decorations), where does enjoying life cross the line? In the U.S.A. many people have a lot of things that are not needed. Hell, this web-page is one of them? Should I feel guilty that I have a nice bed and one in the basement that no one uses and another taken apart and there are people in this country, not to mention the rest of the world are literally sleeping on the street? I guess I personally think about it sometimes, but I do not feel guilty; I can't help their condition, or at least, I not am obliged to excessively. Now I don't mean everyone should never help anyone, just that in this world people should stand up for themselves as much as they can, and if they are not able to then that is when people should help. Anyway, I've been thinking about some people I know who have come to enjoy quotations. I think they should take it easy with them. I'm all for quotes, finding phrases that summarize large ideas into little nuggets of joy. But, one should try to be quoted. Anyone can take what has been said and say it again as to mean something but those who are truly great are those who speak on their own and mean exactly that, and others repeat it. Then again, if it makes you happy, I am all for it (-: (just a reminder, feedback is appreciated and encouraged. See the email link above, send it in and I might put it up!) Oh well, I'm tired, goodnight. Love Peace and a good time to all of you. (suey - system of a down (the harmony just sounds good , though I don't even know what its about)

12 /14 /2001 - Friday finally... I'm so tired..and I just took a nap. I have dark circles under my eyes and I'm beat. I want to get out and have some fun! It rained all day and I'm bummed. Everyone knows how a good time can energize a person - which is what I need. But as usual I'll probably spend my Friday night on the good ol' computadora. Yea! (more like yea right) Humans are social creatures! Well besides that, have you seen the bin laden tape? (can't say I know the official name if there is one) They definitely make you hate the guy. You wonder how much he thinks what he's doing is right. Of course then again, How exact is the translation they showed on TV and in those transcripts? You have to be trustful of the governmental experts. But I'm sure it pretty accurate if not completely. But you have to wonder what could cause a man to hate so much. (I dunno, maybe he hates his father lol) All I have to say is this world is just the same as it was but it can change if people want it to. Peace & love to you all.

12 /11/ 2001 - Hello all. Tuesday is here and going out. Nothing to interesting happened today or has intrigued me. (Exciting huh) I failed a social test. Not really though but I didn't do too well. I want snow. Nothing is more beautiful than a fresh blanket of snow that is untouched- so clean and quiet. Just peaceful nature ahhh. (I guess I didn't finish this one)

12/ 10/ 2001- My second day back...My sister supposedly got accepted to Daemon (sp?) college, which is where she wants to go. She also got a 5 dime per year scholarship if she keeps her grades up. This she found out by phone today so we have to wait for the mail confirmation. This is one of those things that makes you think about the future what you wanna do, where you wanna go, what you would like to see, things like that. Although, even someone so solid (figuratively, lol) as me JK can question what I want to do. It almost scares me to think in a year or two I'm going to be in the boat my sister is in now. Then again I'm excited too, I wanna get out of this place! My plans are not exactly exact to say the least! But I'm a free spirit, kind of, anyway, I still wanna let things play out for now and work hard. (I figured I'd say the work part cause the fun part goes unsaid.(-:) So yeah, I am happy for my sister and hopefully we wont be too poor because she'll be getting some money, lol. Speaking of money...I need to go holiday shopping; now that money isn't a problem time is!! Hopefully I will be able to go tomorrow. (but now what do I get for people? I need to shop for my mom two sisters and a girlfriend... I am soo screwed!) Oh well, I've got homework to do and no time for it. Peace + love to you all (happy x-mas (war is over)- john lennon ) (this song is actually criticizing people who are saying peace and love of the "season" but not instigating it>check it out) bye

12/ 9/ 2001 - ALRIGHT PEOPLE I'M BACK !!!!!!!!!! So, I know how much you missed it but I'm back, how come you all didn't hound me more to write again?... oh well, I'm now a sophomore-1 year down. I broke up (lets leave it at that) with the girl the poem below is about and got a new girl, she is nice and sweet, but I dunno how long it will last; I'll have to let it play out and see. This years football season went well (I was on varsity), but we lost our first round playoff game and missed going to the stadium. It's crazy, guys I'd played with since eighth grade I have played with for the last time. Although football is tough, there is a bond that is difficult to explain, I guess it the stuff that can make a pat on the ass mean good job lol. Instead of basketball this year I'm in the musical. I am playing Charlie Cowell in the MUSIC MAN . A new and I'm sure a fun experience. The only problem is that without sports I'm gonna have to work to stay in shape for track and just so I don't turn into a fat tub of lard! This year I am signed up for ski club a group that goes to a local resort on Saturdays so hopefully when it starts we will have some snow, and hopefully I wont kill myself! Other than that not to much has happened I don't fell like trying to smush a whole bunch into one entry- so I might have to explain stuff from the past in future entries. Anyway, we got the holiday decorations up today (or some of them at least) and I noticed a passage below referring to the Middle East during last years holiday season. I can't help but notice the sick humor how, again, they are fighting and now the U.S. is fighting and everyone is fighting. It makes me so sad to think that people can control themselves. The problem is that it requires an effort by everyone for peace that includes all the bad people (generic way of saying it but I think you know what I mean by that) and the good coming together ....what a dream... Hopefully someone will notice that I wrote some more otherwise, I'll wait till I have a few more entries to tell anyone about restarting the site. Peace, love, and a good time to all of you. I don't have a song for you all so how bout a quote "The love you take equals the love you make" (if you don't know who that is by look it up (-:)

3/ 21/2001 - LOVELY(by none other than me of course, dedicated to you know who you are)-

Yep so I'm back after a long time. Sorry about the intermittent entries but I do as much as I have time for. So, if you're dumb or omitted the poem above, I got a new sweetie. The poem is a good example of how i feel about it (it being the relationship). I just don't want to botch it up. (I'm good at that (-:) But the problem is I act all weird instead of just being myself. See, just by saying this I'm worrying about it and by worrying about that and getting more in arm about it. And then what i just said is being obsessive.....and this insanity just continues. Haha, anyway I'm sure ill be fine. That's just a slight look into my ever-expanding dome. Well also happening: my math teacher is leaving before spring break. He was a good teacher. Well to some. Anyway he kept you awake when the material isn't exactly exploding out of your book at you. What I'm especially worried about is who our (my class) new teacher will be. But in any even, i'm sure i'll do well on the final. So besides my own microcosm what about the markets... another recession? I don't think so but definitely a slowdown. My economic advice for investors... put money in comedies for now. So besides that I'm still working hard in wind ensemble... were are going to the Grand National invitational in tenn . (Outstanding perc. Trophy here we come!)(Drummers!) so we have a trip at the end of spring break and i got a trip to key largo before that...fun!! Also running now is track. I love the discipline required. (the problem is most of the throwers don't have it.) well i guess that it for now peace to ya (lit- zip-lock)

2/28/ 2001 - Hey, I'm back again. Still doing good here. Nothing much happened Lately.... Oh yeah, I went to winterball on Saturday. Hmm well it was pretty good despite a bad DJ. (This guy wasn't just a bad picker of songs; he had no skill at all.) I had a good time. My date had some family troubles too so, this vague sadness overshadowed the whole time. Yep so anyway, there is this '70's dance coming up too...That should be FUN. (Me and my pals have some sort of unhealthy obsession with the 70's... don't ask) Also, I picked the topic for my English research paper. I'm going to do something about the effects of the Chinese takeover of Tibet with regards to the Dali Lama. (yes that's the topic) Personally I think the Dali Lama is cool.. If you haven't, read some of his speeches. (good stuff) On another topic, yesterday I saw a show on PBS about advertising. How the media markets to teens and the teens eat it up and spit it out. And the media takes that and re-markets it back to them and they take it. And it is impossible to escape the cycle. Even for me to examine it i have to visualize my self outside of it even though its not how it is. (not that i like being here but i am despite my "anti-MTV" attitude. Well check out pbs.org for that story: merchants of cool. Must be off even though i got more to say oh well its for another day. Peaace to ya (beck - where its at)

2 /22/2001 - Wow, It's been almost a month…NO I'm not dead and contrary to popular belief I have not given up on this site. I'm in for the long haul. But any way I was taking a break collecting my thoughts and such to write and just because I felt like being lazy for a while. (-: So, Not much has happened lately. You know the usual grind… school, occasional gatherings of comrades, chilling to music. I'm going to a dance on Saturday, today being Thursday. I should have a pretty good time. Just before I get to all that deep stuff let me state one of my many griefs: a pimple. Now please don't accuse me of being extremely shallow yet… This is no ordinary pimple. It's the mother of all pimples. Lol its under the skin so its un-popable and un-washable. Its quite large and pushes the skin out and people are saying to me, "are you chewing gum?" I mean I can feel the pimple from inside my mouth…! It hurts when I tighten my cheek muscles! Ok. Got that out of my system….(Its not like I care what I look like that much but its getting annoying.) So anyway how bout those world affairs…Bombing in Iraq : Saddam swears revenge. (It's especially funny because the U.S. , the best military in the world, military says most of the million dollar bombs missed their targets.) And now whats up with the involvement of China with Iraq. Headman dubbaya bush says he talked to the Chinese - yeah talking will stop then from funding Iraq . Now I'm not suggesting stronger means but geese…if the government hates saddam so much they could just take him out. But nope… whatever I'm sure Saddam's threats are empty. So I don't care. But he is an asshole for all the shit he did to all those people and his prisoners and how he has his people fooled into hating. But then again, that's what most people try to get you to do. (that's another whole story) …..So we move on to the what is now being called the pardon scandal. Please I'm not pro-Clinton or anything but give the guy a break besides nothing is illegal about what he did lobbying is legal is this country. Besides, I'm getting sick of his face on my boob tube every day when I hit the news. Finally …The death of dale Earnhart (sorry if I spelled that wrong.). What is up with this, he died and now all of a sudden all these people think so high of him.. People who have never watched stock car racing are buying old tapes of school house rock just because "3 is the magic number" I'm not trying to make humor of a man's death But he's was a car racer.. What did he do that was so amazing besides being good at car racing? Why does he deserve grievance like Lincoln ? Ok enough current events.. Back to trivialities of a non-world scale. I got a test tomorrow social and English.. hmm I should study but my incentive just isn't there..rather it's there but not very influencing. After that I got the winterball on Saturday. I'm going with a nice gal. Just as friends. (and I know your all oooing and ahhhing, but it's the truth and I doubt there would ever be any more between me in this girl.) All I hope for is that they have moderately good music…..and good punch. The punch can make of break the dance. Oh, I just remembered what I wanted to say before.. it happened while I wasn't writing. I became a MOOer. It is a simulated text environment in which can be a social chat or a learning place or as I like to use an rpg. You get a whole new identity. Get to live however you want(-: But its odd how the brain reacts at first I would keep mixing up the two worlds. Oh well search for it I'm sure you would enjoy them. Today I had religion…There was a sub teacher and not to insult her volunteerism, I commend her for that, but merely to state the facts: she was incompetent. Somehow the conversation went from the book of Job (it's a catholic class for ur info, my mom makes me go but I find it moderately worthwhile) to what we would miss ifall that we had was gone and we only had ourselves left. I say All the amenities that make life so sweet and she's says," what are those?" (comon) so I respond, "electricity, indoor plumbing" and of course my added sarcasm I said, "pre-made meatballs" Some how she thought I was serious one of the main things I would miss was pre made meatballs! But she was old and slightly confused. And a little too religious.( she took evangelist classes) But anyway.. that is really not anything important just some more crap. A wise man once said the world is full of ignorant, incompetent fools. It is you versus them. He was a pretty wise man. (Although slightly egotistical (-:) Well sorry this entry suck royal behind hopefully better tomorrow… peace and truth to all , poverty to some riches to others, hate to none. Adios. (Rage against the machine - vietnow , because "… fear is your only god on the radio."

1/21/ 200 1 - Well I haven't much to write for today; I didn't do too much. But one thing I saw that I thought I should put up here is a infomercial. Or rather, the content of it; the show was a donation call out for the amnesty international organization. For all of you who live under a rock or in your own little happy world amnesty international is a non profit organization that protects human rights and tries to save people who have been oppressed or tortured or other stuff. (check out these sites Amnesty International On-line: human rights website , and Human Rights Law and Issues - Suite101.com ) Most people don't realize how oppresses some people are. In 2/3 of the worlds countries governments imprison people who speak out against it. (Lots of people just "disappear") There are even injustices in our country. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I feel these injustices shouldn't go on. I've been aware of these things ever since my interest in ratm bloomed. And I'm about to do something.(check out ratm.com, massmic.com) Keep tuned in here, maybe I'll make a site or something. I'm also considering wearing T-shirts that draw attention to the problems. Oh well. Besides that, I barely did anything today. Oh yeah well yesterday, George W Bush took office. In the words of my friend were screwed. Although many people like him (coughconser ,coughvatives), I think he's weak on many issues such as social services and to pro others like armed forces. Hopefully he won't botch up the economy too. I guess I'm also slightly Poed that gore won the popular vote and he's not in office. (im not exactly a gore supporter (go nader) but I think he'd so better in office) Oh well, welcome to America . Peace, bye (Rage Against the Machine - Fuck the police)

1 /20/2001 - Ah Saturday! How refreshing after a never-ending four-day week I thought it would be a quick 4 days (MLK jr. day was Monday) but it took a semi eternity. I haven't the slightest clue why, but it did. Anyway, early today I had a basketball practice. It went pretty good, my foot didn't bother me to much and I played ok. I have to mention the amazing swat block my friend had: he came running down the court in a press drill and jumped and pounded this shot by the other point guard into the wall like a bitch. I mean this swat was so mean it would have been illegal in some states, lol. Anyway, it was great so I had to mention it. After that, I didn't do much until around 5 when the guys came over to play. We played some new songs, which were sweet. I even got a few vocal parts. I actually don't sound too bad! lol I just need to work on drumming and singing at once. Right now, we need a board player and a woodwind player. So ill be looking out for that. You just gotta love music. Well I really don't have anything that profound to say today (sorry to all you readers). So I hope you all are good. Peace to ya, buhbye. (red hot chili peppers - under the bridge) (you know the feeling)

1/18/2001 - Man I gotta do this more often! I'm so busy with other stuff or just too dead tired to write consistently! So anyway, a lot has happened. My basketball team…..uh well, we're not the greatest. We're 2-5 as of today. But that's ok cause we're the lowly freshman team, insignificant to say the least. But I had a good game today. Um one sad thing I broke up with my girlfriend. It was like one of those things u didn't wanna do cause I no it hurt her but I just didn't get that "feeling" anymore if you know what I mean. She took it bad but she wasn't mad at all, just horribly sad (I dunno which is worse). I hate when one has to do something like that. Sometimes I wish she were mad rather than sad; then I wouldnt have made her so melancholy. I hope dearly that she will feel better soon. On a brighter note, my friend of 10 years is moving to a southeastern state.(that's sarcasm in case u didn't notice. We were good friends when we were younger, but since like fifth grade we haven't been close. (you know how people drift apart, such is life) It kinda sticks how you always figured in a year wed be good friends again.. but that doesn't really happen and it wont. Really sucks but what are you going to do. You cant change it so you just get on with life. Well, I guess that's all for today. Bye and Peace. (phish - roggae)

1/10/2001 - OK all you thoughtsonwhatver lovers….I'm finaly back. Today I actually did not have any homework, so I came on here to bust out some more of those good ole journal entries. (sorry to keep u waiting) Ok to tie up the loose ends That song is by john lennon (if ur still clueless look it up). Also, I had a pretty good xmas, didn't really get what I wanted but I got some cash that I'm still waiting with to see what I should do with it. OK well today I had a basketball game. After my pretty good game yesterday (we still lost) today was a complete disaster. I sucked and on top of that….. I hurt my foot. (Not only a pain for me but also for our team considering it makes it 3 vital players hurt. ) And all I can do is sleep with it and see how it feels in the morning. Ahh. Well beside that, I am just tired. I really need to get more sleep. I've been waking up late for the past few days and its not good. I mean today, on the bus to my game, I fell asleep. ( I mean those buses aren't exactly comfortable) Well one of my friends who had been brooding for a while about issues with her parents finally took it out of her head and made it words (loud ones) and told her parents her problems with them. Not surprisingly, she feels a lot better. We all know how it feels to get that weight of your chest. I remember one time I went loco on my mother… I just yelled and yelled louder at what she said and then she threatened to restrict me from going on a trip with my friend to cedar point (an amusement park for the clueless). You would think this would shut me up but I still went off. It just feel good to get out that aggression. You all know what I mean. All those amazing human emotions. When ever your down or sad or mad or envious or whatever just remember one thing and you'll just turn that into something better (maybe). Just remember and be grateful that u have all those wonderful things u can feel. Enjoy the state of being human. Every little thing that's so amazing. Sadness: what if u couldn't feel that or other things like joy. In other words enjoy the human experience. (Sounds like a coke commercial) Anyway, that's my advice for today. Well I think ill gimp off to bed now peace and love (or tolerance at least). bye (little things - good charlette (sp) This song isnt related to what I wrote, but if u ever saw some kids that were rich or were made fun of by the cool kids this is the greatest song)

12/24/20 00 - Hello, today is christmas eve. (Good morning Vietnam , right? Lol) Anyway, I was looking at the news today and saw this article about the " Holy Land ". It describe how there was now happiness or joy at the time of year you usually associate it with. I picked some partsof it to put here just to give you all an idea: ''There is no singing, no Christmas lights, no Christmas decorations,'' lamented Theresa Dalmau, 46, of Puerto Rico . ''It's Christmas because we know it's Christmas, not because you can feel it. They are mourning their dead and wounded.'', The Christmas lights of Bethlehem once shone like a bright star, guiding the way for thousands of visitors at a time when Israeli-Palestinian peace seemed to be on the horizon.Wise men and women now steer clear of the area, the scene of frequent Israeli-Palestinian clashes. , The Christmas tree in Manger Square , adorned with plain lights this year, was a pale imitation of the colorfully lit arbor that once provided the background for countless holiday snapshots. ''Tourism? There is nothing. Business? There is nothing,'' said Joseph Giacaman, who owns a souvenir store on the square. ''For almost two months we haven't seen anybody,'' he said. ''This is the worst business has been in 20 to 25 years. Nobody feels that this is a holiday.'' At least 343 people, all Palestinians except for 13 Israeli Arabs and 39 other Israelis, have been killed in almost three months of violence that have also claimed Christmas spirit as a casualty..

Lovely isn't it? It is such a harsh world. Sometimes I wish they'd be able to just agree on something, to realize they are both just groups of people. Not hate each other. Not just there but in so many places. What's wrong with people? Why can't people accept one another? Every time I think about this issue I am reminded of a joke (well if you are a space nut like me) I heard: When will man discover other intelligent life? -> Never, they will kill themselves off first! (ha-ha right?) But anyway I always found that disturbing. I'm not even saying this has to do with the holidays, I'm not exactly the most festive person (listening to Blink182 - xmas, hehe), just the pricinple of accepting people for being people. The trite phrase from the christmas song about snoopy and the red baron: good will towards man. I don't have much more to say but happy and safe holidays to you and yours. Peace (or at least more of it), adios. (ahh, instead of my usual song recommendation that I know you all love I have the lyrics to a song I thought was appropriate (and in some ways not…but anyway) If you know who wrote it good for you if you don't I'm sorry you live a sheltered life (ask your parents they'd probably know(-: ) so here we are:

IMAGINE THERE'S NO HEAVEN,
IT'S EASY IF YOU TRY.
NO HELL BELOW US,
ABOVE US ONLY SKY.
IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE
LIVING FOR TODAY, AH-HA-AH.

IMAGINE THERE'S NO COUNTRIES,
IT ISN'T HARD TO DO.
NOTHING TO KILL OR DIE FOR
AND NO RELIGION TOO.
IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE
LIVING LIFE IN PEACE,
YOU-OO-OO-

YOU MAY SAY I'M A DREAMER,
BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I HOPE SOME DAY YOU'LL JOIN US
AND THE WORLD WILL BE AS ONE.

IMAGINE NO POSSESSIONS,
I WONDER IF YOU CAN.
NO NEED FOR GREED OR HUNGER,
A BROTHERHOOD OF MAN.
IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE
SHARING ALL THE WORLD,
YOU-OO-OO-

YOU MAY SAY I'M A DREAMER,
BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I HOPE SOME DAY YOU'LL JOIN US
AND THE WORLD WILL LIVE AS ONE.

12 /21/2000 - In writing the date i realize that there's only 4 days 'till christmas. Although I guess this is irrelevant for all the jewish people. (considering (c)hanukkah starts today) Being the minority…hmm that's would be odd, I mean I guess I am, kinda, cause I'm not all sure about my beliefs (As of now I am content viewing everyone else's as a totally unbiased observer)(although ill probably end up coming up with an original philosophy(whatever relation to religion that will have I'm not sure) eventually) But christmas just happens for me so when all (most) the media has is christmas programs I'm not really that perturbed (a little but not really considering all the other more consequential corruption in the media). So anyways enough of that. Well anyway u slice it, one gets a warm feeling this time of year (well, sometimes u feel sick and cold and wet and gungy (that's not a real word but u now what I mean by it). And hopefully I'll enjoy my holiday and vacation! I got an email from someone regarding the site and I thought it was apropriate..slightly edited of course(-: so her it is: (oh yeah I forgot to say its got a nice poem in it.)

"I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you; I was bored and went to your site,

Yeah I thought it was pretty good to. Its nice I got this feedback. Even if this is from someone I know. Lol. Anyway I kinda get this poem so I thought it be cool if I put it up here. Today at my friends house I saw The Matrix for the upteenthbillion time. I love that movie. It just promotes some thought and some what if. And it has so much symbolism (intended or not its there), everything form to much dependency on technology to over-powerful government. I just love it. In addition its just a sweet movie with sweet effects and a cool plot. lol Umm. Now I cant think of anything to write. Oh well peace. Finish out what u begin. The craziest path is usually the most fun. Recycle. (-: bye oh yeah:partys are better with more people. Bye. Peace and happy holidays. (ratm-ghost of tom joad)

12/ 20/2000 (22:55)- Just when you thought I quit I come back at ya huh! Lol. Well, actually, it's now winter vacation and I got a chance to stop and smell the roses…and put some more junk up here. Its been crazy the past few week (I was gonna put weeks but its only been one…yipes right?). With christmas coming and gifts and decorations and carols and school and basketball its been hectic. Also there was a slight issue with my girlfriends mother and the age difference between us:3. But I think that's kinda blowing over now so its cool. I had a band concert a while ago we did ok. But now im on vacation!!!! And (hold on I need more exclamation points !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) now im ready to relax and enjoy some down time… Oh wait, I have an essay to write, crap in fact I have basketball tomorrow morning at 8:30! Shit, I forgot to get a ride oh well I guess I ride my bike after its not to bad. (note: I am a bike freak the mountain bike stays in the garage and in good working order all year long) so after that ill relax fix the x-mas lights and have some cocoa (caffeine!) Also this week I forgot to go to soccer practice, just when I was beginning to get a good image again as captain! But hopefully ill be ok. B-ball games have started and we've lost twice. Oh well whatever(-: hey one of my friends from a while ago signed on.. It's funny how people you were associated with because you liked them can seem to disappear because there not in your classes. Shame really.. I wish there was more of me. I know so many people I just don't have time for that I wish I did. You just drift. . . . . . apart from people. But I guess its not always like that sometime people just get to good for you…(im being sarcastic of course) and it just breaks off…I gues I wonder sometimes the relevance of friends..how much they really affect u, in the long run….i g2g for now (god I hate that abbrv.) peace. Caffeine forever ill get up here soon again. (everclear- unemployed boyfriend (this can happen))

12/9 /2000 - First I apologize to all my loyal readers, for not making an entry in so long. I guess I was busy but id say it was more lazyness/tiredness. Anyway, I'm back now…so lets recap uh I made the basketball team uh our first game is next week, and I now have a girlfriend. All of which ill get into eventually. As of now I'm just tired. Over the past to weeks I've gotten 5 hrs of sleep a night and Thursday I got three (cause I was up late doing sheets for a social teacher who then said it was ok if they were late!). Then last night I got home at 1:30 from a dance and had top wake up at 7 for a basketball practice. AHHH I was so tired I went to sleep afterwards from 10 till 4:30. It was funny after I woke up all the house was christmasy. Apparently my sister did it…quite nice job she did, if I say so myself. I donno…im not exactly the christmas person (I must say sometimes u can down right hate it) but over all its nice how people do good things. It temporarily gives a nice cozy feeling to things. Plus I like giving gifts …even if I have no money to buy them. So after a long week it's the weekend! I went to a ball last night downtown ( a big formal affair, although they didn't play any real 'ball' music) . but I had a good time with my new girlfriend. (see below was one of the people that like me. She is a little bit older which made me reluctant at first but I figre who cares and I thin It will work out good. Peace …wreck the malls - on the twisted christmas cd

11/ 20/ 2000 (23:24) - Ahh nothing can cause more joy to a child, or teenager, or any school age person then the almighty………..(you know what it is)…… SNOWDAY! …Yes! oh yeah. No school tomorrow. And all those people told me to do my work…ha I laugh at u, even though I still have to do mine and yours is all done. But I don't care! Snow-day! This is just an amazing prelude to a 5 day weekend! Happy about something pertaining to school? Wow. Okay, just too make you understand, there was a lot of snow fast… not here but in the city. Enough snow for them to declare state of emergency etc. Cars are gridlocked people are all over (in fact, my mom is stuck downtown, she's been there since 2:30). And although the snow isn't bad here the teachers cant get here so they have to close the schools! Dare I say 7-day weekend? I dare. So anyway, now I hear from a very unreliable source that multiple people like me. ( This has been pretty good.) Unfortunately, she wont tell me who. (yes Hillary(hi) people wont tell me things too) And so ill be chillin like a villain for another day. Writing an essay about how middle eastern women (of the Islam religion) are oppressed and have no rights, but are taken care of. I guess its just a different way of doing things. But other than that ill do some snow biking and stuff tomorrow. Well maybe I should sleep. Peace and bye. (the Beatles- help! (cause we all need somebody))

11/ 19/ 2000 - OK, finally got back on my horse. After enjoying my 3 days of going home on the regular bus basketball has started….now it will be till June (most likely) until I get home at 2:08. Hmm well basketball tryouts are going fairly well, ill probably make the team. And it looks like its gonna be a good season. I wrote another email to myself to remind me of ideas I have thunk up in the past 6 days. Ok friends. People want friendship, it's a pretty simple concept but there's is so many facets to it. Its so hard to get the little satisfaction. Its so complex. So complex I don't even know what to say about it. (well so much for my deep mind) So anyway I got that new compilation Beatles cd. Yes I do appreciate all music! Its pretty amazing that one small group of people can affect so many. They changed the world forever. I wish I could do something like that. Changing the world…wow talk about incredible. Do something incredible…that's something to shoot for. Incredible. So ill try that. I dunno I have some other stuff in that eamil and it doesn't flow so ill jest freewrite. (another word that should be) So today and lately ive been talking to this girl and its weird cause at first I thought we had nothing in common but now, after a bit, it seems odd how much i seem to understand her. But im trying to help her out with a few problems as much as I can. Anywaysits funny how u shouldn't prejudge people but people still do. Peace sorry I couldn't writer more mom is nagging.(disturbed - stupify)

11/ 13 /2000 - Here is another one of the beatiful letters you guys send in. I thought it had some substance and I feel lazy so her it is.

why do u wanna move so bad? is ur life here so horrible that u think it'd be fun to move or do u think that evry1's moving so why shouldn't u? or maybe u think that no1 likes u here... well that's bull shit and u know it or else we wouldn't take the time to acknowledge ur existance... or maybe u just wanna get away from us and never assoicate w/ us again.... yeah i think that's it.... u hate our frikkin guts... or maybe u think it'd be a good new start... well u can just ask ne1 who's moved in the past 5 years and they'll tell u that it's not all it's cracked up to be and it's a load of crap and they were depressed for months after they moved. even [friend who recently moved name here was depressed and we thought he didn't like ne1 here at all.... but whatever.... that's just my stupid opinion... cuz there certainly doesn't seem to be ne other good reason for u to try to convince ur mum to move. yeah, so that's my 2 sents worth, have fun destroying it.

there r solid flannel shirts at J.Crew, u owe me $45!! Jk ………………[ ß this is kinda an inside joke]

There it is , now just when u thought I was getting lazy I sucked it up and wrote a response (well I mean it was kinda a friend to friend letter) so here it is (my response, duh!):

well ill be darned about the flannel shirts and well i wanna move not cause i don't like you all or i dont think u like me , but because i want a change im so bored of being here. i wanna meet some new people and see some new places... i mean i no u all are great friends but i dont have a connection with any of them and ive given up on any type of closer connection so i just want a change of pace

there it is (and like I said the flanel shirts are an inside joke. Not like I'd pay 45bucks for a shirt anyway! Ok well sorry I don't got any time gotta go study for my math test… peace and good rest to you all

11/ 12/2000 - Sunday, today we had a soccer game (indoor, w/ boards) and apparently im some sort of role model or something cause the coaches picked me as like the captain. ( I'm using the word 'like' not because I'm incompetent but because I'm uncomfortable with responsibility or something of the sort, and because I'm a modest person and the word like demeans the position -or something like that) Its kinda weird I ddon't see myself as a leader but I guess I just try to keep things ideal (at least as much as they need to be)I dunno its pretty cool. Its nice to know that some people do think well of you. Any way, I have still yet to start my homework. Quite typical in my procrastinating life (-: I had a good weekend besides the loss at the game today…oops I forgot to say we lost. Well I think we need practice indoors where the balls are faster (hehe) . AHHHH so going back to school tomorrow after a 3 day weekend. I so don't want to. (that sounded kind of airheadish -there should be a word) I'm furthering my effort to move, but its hard to push that to a mother whos old and semi-cranky. I'll continue the effort. My friend (loose term) just said she was thinking about why things are the way they are. I, as u must assume, have already thought about this topic. Things are the way they are because the way they are. (bare with me) Everything is so interconnected in this universe one theing is relative to another and realitive to another. That's why its impossible to predict the future there are to many variables. The only way u can figure out why something is is to examine each individual circumstance. (just some toilet thinking, right) well I catch ya all later peace. (all about the Pentiums -weird al ) (this song is so true!)

After deciding that this entry blowed (yes I am over-critical) I decided to add to it. I figure more crap is still more than less crap. (AKA quantity not quality) So here goes. …. Ummm I got writers block. Maybe this secondary update wasn't such a good idea. Welllll….. hold on I wrote myself a memo about something to write about. It said write about how some parents are over protective. Hmm. Some are. I think its really a fine line between not caring enough and smothering. Its odd how u can tell how the parents are just by knowing the child. I'm not trying to imply anything but it seems that family that are more religious have more protective parents and the children aren't as exposed to things and are kind of closed minded (check my profile). I guess its not really their fault its just another thing I've picked up on. (no offense to people with protective people) ok I think that's a bit better. I guess those memos work huh? Lol ok bye(-: peace and all that good stuff to ya all

11/ 9/2000 - well, another few days. Tuesday i had off for the election and i had school Wednesday and it was uneventful. Just another day i had to deal with my incompetent math student teacher. Although she is not the greatest, (she gave us home work we didn't know how to do, she gave us homework and said opp the next day when she realized she for got to give us more information we needed to do it) the class doesn't help either. Its supposedly an advanced class but it seems like a 6th grade class. everyone's constantly talking and asking the same questions and making stupid jokes.... during the class. I mean come on! we cant get though 2 minutes of work in 40 min period. some people are so loud and obnoxious. Another problem i see that also takes place in that math class (course 2 if anyone cares) is people picking on people for no other reason. There is this smaller kid not exactly the smartest, but he tries...and all the other guys bug him and get him into trouble. FOR NO REASON. some people need to grow up. Its not even funny. unfortunately that's what its like forever - there are jerks and bitches. (bummer huh) well after school I missed the bus so i waited for my friend and went to my house, we walked,. it rained. but we hung out for a while and he left. Then i had religion that made me late for the same guys birthday party. religion i sold some oranges for band,a fundraiser. (were taking a trip to tenn. for a music contest. pretty cool but expensive) the party was ok but I'm kinda sick so i felt "ickky" (for lack of a better word) the party was uneventful (most partys i end up at are) and i went home. my friend got on of those scooters and they are really cool. Also there is this guy and girl like each other and they talk online but not real. and its important to cause i think they should 'hook up'. but they just wont talk: the art of conversation is dead. (try to save whats left) someway I'll work on it. I left and now its now! I gota surprise when someone i didn't know found the site on a search engine. cool. I hope other people find it and hopefully relate to it. Im still trying to find some deep heavy stuff for the next entry maybe another poem peace and good night. (califorication by red hot chili peppers -do u know what fornication means?)

10/ 6/2000- ok, phew, been a while hasn't it? Well I m back.(by popular demand) but first lets catch up. Um, end of October? Well, nothing really happened. I had school (surprise), and on Halloween (boo) went around with a few friends…they went for candy but I felt to old and just stole theirs (-: (you get sick of people telling you that u ruin Halloween for the little kids cause ur so old so I just smashed a pumpkin or two, hahahaha yes I get the last laugh). So we played one playoff game at home and we went to the stadium …..!!!!!!!…..and……lost. (not that I played… but I'm still on the team and the team is strong, if ur on a team u would understand) It was expected, but wow it was tough. The seniors were crying, It hard not to when it was you last time ever. You work so hard, to play good, to do well for 5 months, yes 5 months, and you do well, and it all falls apart because of two touchdowns. And at the stadium makes it 10 Xs as emotional (I recall back in august when they were running hills, coach would yell, "where are we goin?" . naturally the team howls" stadium!") But anyway you get over it (as with most things). So, that was Saturday and now its Monday, Sunday was omitted because of its non-eventfulness (well you know what I mean) and Monday was a regular day of escuela lots of music. MY great excitement came at the end of the day when I finally got to take the regular bus home…for the fist time ever this year and ill tell u 3 more hours is a lot of time. It was light when I got home! (-: Tomorrow I got the day off (don't worry ill hit the elections), and ill go hang over at a friends house after I take a bike ride. ( I dunno if I've stated it but I'm a cycling kinda person) As fore the elections I don't especially like anyone who's gonna win. I like Nader for president. He's got sensible views and he says what he think not just tries to get votes. As for the senate seat (Hillary/ Lazio) I dislike both of them. But then again I cant vote so does it really matter. It aggravates me that, although I'm more informed than many adults, I cant even have a vote or influence. I have to write letters to senators that get read by there secretary's secretary and is answered by a machine. (which of course is very effective) But I guess there are many ways I can influence political affairs, I've signed many a petition. As for the social\emtional\deep thoughts on life, I'm kind of short for now (oops). Although I did receive an email that I'll put here(its pretty heavy):

[…i also have an insight for ya...girls are masochistic...they always go for the assholes. i have a friend who will like a guy until the second she finds out he likes her too...then it's over. I've found though that as i get older, this impulse decreases in me...i've grown tired of the endless stream of broken promises and broken hearts...and i started looking for a guy with brains over brawn. but i'll tell you, love is not something you can negotiate, it can't be given orders or cajoled into service. it has to be there for both of you. (that's not to say you're in love with this new girl or anything...I'm just saying) anyway, i just thought I'd let you know that i really enjoyed reading your stuff...keep it coming.]

See what I mean. (well fiojne be that way! JK) Well, I'll try to get some more entries up here for you all cause that exclamation point made a great response. Peace (except in the Palestine , let them kill each other for their ignorance) keep it real and adios (almost forgot ratm- maria (fight sweatshops))

10/ 27/ 2000 - Well after another wondrous day of school (in which I had a band lesson in which I clap which chaps my hands) and a football practice (in which I was bored to tears) I went to go bowling. And I played I wasn't as bad as I thought. Which was still only around 100 but still ok. And after bowling …quite uneventful.. we went to McDonalds . after we ate we went outside...it was a beautiful night and after a bit we started a game (well kinda) and we'd say a name and see if you would have sex with them..(purely hypothetical with no complications or dangers) . It sounds kinda gross but u had to be there and we go through and its kind of odd how u can determine stuff from it. U can see how people are viewed and why. I mean u could see how people rate and how u would match up compared to others. It was very interesting. Cause as some one once told me the first way u judge a person is by their looks. Not exactly the happy kindergarten way but I'd bet its true. The I come home and go online and of course though a course of events I find out the girl I kinda like likes me as a friend, nothing more… yes that's the sixth maybe seventh time I've gotten that. Oh well. At least I get used to it lol (its easier to type lol then it is to smile) . but u got to smile cause if we win to marrow I get to go to the stadium and run out of the tunnel. Well I guess I feel like I'm done on this one, bye and peace (cake - sheep go to heaven(goats go to hell)), don't forget I appreciate feedback and emails and comments! (maybe the exclamation point will do something)

10/23 /2000 - Hate is the most ignorant of all the human emotions. Period. I'm sick of seeing people mad at each other for whatever reasons. In Palestine , The arabs are mad at the jews…. When really there in the same boat and by hurting the others there hurting themselves. It makes me sick how people cant over look their difference to have greater achievements. Everyone's human ..like it or not people need to accept it. Well on the lighter side.. I 'm on varsity for the playoffs and the practices are mad easy…hopefully ill get to go to the stadium ..(yeah). Im continually working on the girl im beginning to like….taking it slow. Hopefully I get like a sign or something that she likes me to.. cause that would be crazy: a girl I like liking me..but at any rate I don't think she hates me (that's always a +) well today I forgot to do my spanish and bombed an english test. I hate gettingbad grades it like hits u deep and hangs on u for a while…sometimes I wish I didn't hear my grade. But I guess u just let it roll of your back. I guess i should be happy to worry about such petty things.(-: live is wonderful (even with it horrific flaws) soim gonna go enjoy it.. bye peace (try out beck - new pollution)

10/22 /2000- AHH . (sorry I havent written in so long ive been busy with homework, even right now my mom thinks I have it all done but I don't on a Sunday night) (just another note: all the stuff I wrote about previously has ended and I've forgotten about it) Well on Friday I went someplace deep in Canada to see a play of hamlet. It was pretty well acted but some parts were kinda monotonous and I snoozed a little. But we got home around 9 and I slept. Saturday was our last football game and we were gonna win and we tied! We had it on the 1 inch line and didn't get it in…. 7-0-1 oh well I guess its not that bad. But I get to go up to varsity for the playoffs so 1 maybe 2 more weeks of football. So then I got my suit for band. I look mad spiffy in it. Then i went to a party at my friends house. It was ok I had a pretty good time. Around a bonfire and throwing food at each other and singing queen. Today I didn't do much ..sat around watched the bills get beat again. I was insulted thoroughly by a certain person online. She talked about how I have problems. And how I grew up in a broken home which hurt because my parents raised me well. And on her denouncing of my manners.. I merely explained how I try not to impress her .. at all. I hated it even more cause she doesn't know me at all, or even talk to me. I hate when people judge u. Lol anyway on the brighter side I got my eyes on someone… which is cool. Shes really cool and has a great personality and pretty pretty (is that correct grammar?) any way I guessill try and get to know her better before I do anything rash like ask her out etc. well peace out bye (pinch me by BNL)( cause im still asleep)

10/1 4/2000 - well for today lets start with my football game: we won. We are now seven and 0. And the varsity won also (its homecoming weekend so it was a big crowd). For the varsity game I hadto play in the band (and so did the whole band because its homecoming) it was ok then I came home. My sister went to homecoming with her new boyfriend and my mom went to some dinner fundraiser. And I went with what was supposed to be a large group to a local theme park, for the haunted thingy. Well it kinda blew and only a few people came and it sucked I woulda rather been home alone bored. The rides weren't al that great I wasn't exactly in the Halloween spirit and it wasn't scary anyway. All in all my homecoming Saturday blew. Except I totally decided I'm over the girl i likED that didn't like me. (at least some good came of today) and hopefully that will end my emotional troubles cause everybody noes they suck. well im tired so bye peace and sweet dreams. (song: everclear: wonderful)

10/11 /2000 - Well holy cow. Im ok I guess. My old girlfriend hates , I mean deathly wishes hates, me. People generally don't wanna talk to me (except for the two poor girls that like me that I don't 'like') and I hurt my hand. And the girl I have fallen for like something out of a story gives me funny looks whenever I attempt to be funny ( I emphasize attempt;-) ahh life is grand. Such a lovely thing. (no I'm not being sarcastic) with out these problems life would be boring. Although I really wish some of those would have conclusions. I guess ill just put on some music…music never hates u slaps u give u funny looks or gets attached. .hehe. and it can always make u feel however u want. I love music. Its funny how I keep going (not that I have a bad life or anything. I'm not complaining) when im really pushing towards nothing, well I suppose I got goals like getting that girl tpo like me or whatever but ..i dunno. well today I have no homework! Yes! Haha! Oh a site where u can vote on people that are "hot" .such small brains devise such pointless websites…oh wait I got one too lol , I might a well participate. Hmmm I guess ill vote for the girl I like 282 times…and now people are calling me a fag (kinda contradictory don't u think?) . hehe anyway, ill put up a message on the talk about board so people can see my reasons are not just because 'hot' (if u haven't noticed I'm not that shallow) but because of her whole self. And now the person running it has erased those votes. So ill only vote a few times now. I know this isn't very dignified but I guess people (im a person) do stupid things. One thing that I realized today is how much I dislike the typical football player: rude, 'jockish" (or a wanna be jock <-even worse), self centered, and ignorant. I peeve guys on the team that act all big and push people around like they're all better when they're worse. Well this is pep week at school and tomorrow is 70's day, id say I have a pretty good outfit I gota tight shit and like a jacket thing (hopefully I wont look to gay)(not that there's anything wrong with that, lol). And then the is the 'pep assembly' on Friday ( I don't see what's wrong with the word rally but ok) and then football on the weekend. In wind ensemble, we might take a trip I dunno yet, it would be cool, but would stink because all my friends except two are not in it. Well, we will see. Although I started this to show the girl I liked then (and still do) I'm deeper than a puddle (and not that much of an arse), but I think it kinda took on its own "format" and now I think it bee cool to keep it as a journal for a long time and let people read it . so ill try to get in events and ideas and 'feelings' (I'm a guy here is it ok for me to use that word? Lol) and read it over later and see how things people and I have changed. well I guess that's good for now bye, peace in Israel/Palestine , (and check out dammit by blink 182 if u haven't cause this is growing up.)

10/10 /2000 - This was an interesting convo I had with my former girlfriend on sun: (I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to write lately) : (former girlfriends sn here): so who's "fallen" for u? Dugie0001: shed rather i not tell Dugie0001: y do u care , (former girlfriends sn here): i dunno why not? , (former girlfriends sn here): it might b some1 i know Dugie0001: i doubt if u know her that well , (former girlfriends sn here): try me Dugie0001: she wont let me tell , (former girlfriends sn here): so she's online? Dugie0001: did i say that? , (former girlfriends sn here): u implied it , (former girlfriends sn here): u used the present tense, which usually means that the person u were talking about/to is telling u stuff at the present time Dugie0001: oh well ok , (former girlfriends sn here): so is she? Dugie0001: i think shed rather not have me say , (former girlfriends sn here): why not? who am i gonna tell? Dugie0001: [other girls name here] Dugie0001: [other girls name here] , (former girlfriends sn here): well ok [other girls name here]'s sitting right here but she can leave , (former girlfriends sn here): if u care to remember i'm pissed at [other girls name here] Dugie0001: no she wouldnt wantme to tell , (former girlfriends sn here): please? Dugie0001: NO i cant/wont , (former girlfriends sn here): fine. ur probably just making it up neways. Dugie0001: yeah i am , (former girlfriends sn here): : P Dugie0001: hehe , (former girlfriends sn here): and i have a question about ur little crush on [other girls name here] , (former girlfriends sn here): u said u liked her last year... did this include the time u went out w/ me? Dugie0001: huh , (former girlfriends sn here): how can i but it more bluntly?! , (former girlfriends sn here): DID , (former girlfriends sn here): U , (former girlfriends sn here): LIKe , (former girlfriends sn here): [OTHER GIRLS NAME HERE] , (former girlfriends sn here): WHILE , (former girlfriends sn here): U , (former girlfriends sn here): WERE , (former girlfriends sn here): GOING , (former girlfriends sn here): OUT , (former girlfriends sn here): W/ , (former girlfriends sn here): ME , (former girlfriends sn here): ??????? Dugie0001: yeah Dugie0001: sorry Dugie0001: mom naggingme , (former girlfriends sn here): fuck u. , (former girlfriends sn here): yeah right. Dugie0001: what ?! , (former girlfriends sn here): fuck u. Dugie0001: what did i do now? , (former girlfriends sn here): uhhh let's THINK for a minute here! Dugie0001: wouldu rather i didnt give u a chgance and said i like someone else? , (former girlfriends sn here): well uhh.. , (former girlfriends sn here): YEAH Dugie0001: y? Dugie0001: i make a point to give people chances , (former girlfriends sn here): cuz then u woulda been TELLING THE TRUTH instead of leading me on! , (former girlfriends sn here): well maybe u shouldn't Dugie0001: i mean i dunno maybe it turned out that i like u a lot or something , (former girlfriends sn here): well we see where THAT went! , (former girlfriends sn here): i hate u. i really hate ur frikkin guts. , (former girlfriends sn here): now i would REALLY relish to c them FALL out in a puddle of blood that i created w/ my own knife Dugie0001: u make it seem like i purposely tried togive u sorrow , (former girlfriends sn here): WELL IT SEEMS LIKE U DID Dugie0001: ididnt , (former girlfriends sn here): yeah, u did. Dugie0001: whatever u think i wanted i never wanted to hurt u. i no i did. and i m sorry and regret that what else do u want me to do? , (former girlfriends sn here): i want u to fall over dead in a pile of blood , (former girlfriends sn here): ok, let's look at it , (former girlfriends sn here): first, i didn't think u liked me at all , (former girlfriends sn here): then u went out w/ me and made it seem like evrything was happy go lucky , (former girlfriends sn here): then u dump me and "fall" for my b/f Dugie0001: im a happygo lucky person , (former girlfriends sn here): and it turns out.... as i later find , (former girlfriends sn here): SHUT THE FUCK UP Dugie0001: ok , (former girlfriends sn here): that u NEVER liked me and u just went out w/ me for kicks. , (former girlfriends sn here): yeah, U DIDN'T TRY TO GIVE ME FUCKING SORROW Dugie0001: no i didnt i just have no social ability , (former girlfriends sn here): well that's apparent! , (former girlfriends sn here): just leave me the fuck alone. i'm never talking to u again. Dugie0001: i probablywouldnt have gone out with u but u were the first person i ever knew who like me and i was overwhelmed , (former girlfriends sn here): go take ur fucked up mind and do whatever u want w/ it. just leave me alone and don't talk to me. ever. Dugie0001: sorry for being a loser , (former girlfriends sn here): well and apology doesn't fucking cut it this time Dugie0001: well what does cut it? , (former girlfriends sn here): nothing. , (former girlfriends sn here): a knife, maybe. Dugie0001: she especially doesnt like why you cant explain why you like [other girls name here] Dugie0001: she is always talking about ya though Dugie0001: [formergirlfriends name here] is bitchin at u aye? , (former girlfriends sn here): yeah and...? do i care what [guy i was talking to] thinks of me? Dugie0001: [guy i was talking to] didnt say that Dugie0001: except for thebold , (former girlfriends sn here): oh, yeah, sure. , (former girlfriends sn here): and the only reason i talk about u is cuz ur such an idiot! Dugie0001: {girl I was talking to name here] said that , (former girlfriends sn here): yeah, ok. , (former girlfriends sn here): so? , (former girlfriends sn here): the significance of that would be....? Dugie0001: i dunno just so u know that peoplethink ur kinda overdoin it , (former girlfriends sn here): well they can just fuck their opinions right down the drain cuz i don't care Dugie0001: ok , (former girlfriends sn here): good riddance. i hope u fall over dead.

Yeah I thought it was pretty tough too but I guess I really screwed up with her, I just wish she could see im sorry, I really never wanted it like this. And of course the girl I like now and then is good friends with my former girlfriend and I think that's why she wont give me a chance to prove I'm deserving of her. And of course at least two other people like me that I don't like! Ahhhh love is sorrow when its not joy. Please let it work out for the best. Well I gotta go and buy a suit for band. I might just get a tux! Well oki guess I got a few moments. Ah on Monday coulmbus day I wentout to my uncles land and things in springville and ate and ate and checked out the deer around (bow season starts Sunday!) and ate (yes im italian!)(magnifique [kissing fingers] )hey if any u guys go any ideas on how to get two girls not to like u and 1 who doesn't to like u email me! Bye peace to all!

Well, check it: I ordered my suit (I didn't get a tux , this way its more versatile) and I finished my home work (for the first time in a long time its done the night b4!) …yes! Anyway so I just thought I write sumore while I talk to people. Ahh foot ball is over in 8 school days then I have a week I thing b4 basketball. Ahh I wish I could come home at 230. I really wish(-: Wow I gotta stop saying 'ahh'. This week is spirt week at school, I guess Ill do the 70's day and clash day. For spirit day ill wear my jersey. Yep I guess im not the most spirited but I provide some support. Its all in good fun so why not. I dislike those people that are to good to do it. But really im to lazy most of the time so I understand…whatever I forget where I was going with that. Well I better go bye peace

10/ 7/2000 - Hey. My tem won but it was still a bad game. Anyway, we did win. And in this world winning is everything. (and so far were 6-0 so yesssss!) Ah, it's a long weekend, for Columbus day, and I feel like having a good time. But as usual I have nothing to do. Bored old me. Although, I should be happy, its not veryoften u get a BS holiday like this. I mean, columbus really just mada mistake (discovery) of a place where people already were. But hey, I get the day off, and no football practice so ill be happy.(-: um I really got nothing else to say so I guess ill just put down a song I found I wrote a long time ago I dunno if you will be able to find the rhythm cause there are some held out words but do your best. Maybe ill write again later. Victory in yugoslavia , people power! Peace, bye.

10/6 /2000 - Sorry cant write its late and I gotta football game tomorrow. Sorry bye. Hmm I'll find a poem for tomorrow.

10 /4/2000 - I think im going to try and improve my self as much as I can. Simple yet profound. From now on I'll just try make my self better and better. Its kinda a never ending goal. But its not really a goal cause it has no realization, funny huh? O neways today I had school, then football and I was so tired. I came home and plopped on my bed and slept. And I missed my boy scouts meeting again. (sounds corny but im going for eagle. Shoudda been smart like my friend and gotten it as early as I could) But ill just continue working my but off to get that. A book I read a while ago Friday night lights I saw someone with and id suggest it to any one. At first it looks like a book for football players but I think its better for non football players. It shows the true excitement and force thatis football. Which is part of the greater 'force' : sports. Any one who has ever played competitive sports knows what I mean and if u haven't do it cause it is a high. A high u cant get form any drug. Sorry . (all u athletes u know what I mean.) well its late gotta get zzzs bye peace out!

10/2 /2000 - "Hey, hey, hey, its just an ordinary day, and its all your state of mind, at the end of the day you just have to say its alright." By great big sea, in ordinary day. It's a great feel good song check it out (-: Sometimes its good to be all glum . But today I feel good , its even a Monday! Lol well I dunno why, but I just feel good, ive got nothing to feel good about but I feel good. You ever get that feeling. I dunno and NO, Im NOT SMOKIN ANYTHING lol, that's stupid. But I feel good ,its not often imlike this so im going to enjoy it and write it down. And share it. But I mean if you think about you have probably got stuff to be happy about. I got a good safe, generally happy life. Now if only I could remember that when im all sad. But I guess those are the ups and downs that make life interesting. (and I know I couldn't live if life want interesting.) So I'm gonna go out put out some tunes and smile…at least until I find something to be sad about! , so go smile! Its alright! Bye!

10/1 /2000 - By a demand I absolutely could not refuse I changed the red type to yellow. Hopefully it makes it easier for you all to read. Hmm the arts are a big thing. I mean something that some other person created can put you through all your rang of emotions. Whether its music, video, literature, paintings or whatever, they can allways make you smile or cry. Its an amazing thing! Another thing is sport. I mean a simple game that in the end doesn't matter can mean so much just to say I won. I've experienced times when I've cried , or at least felt horrible about a loss or mistake. I love sports. All the highs and lows, plus it keeps u in shape and healthy, except when u get injuerd, but its all part of the game. And the game mimics life. Hmm, I guess this is what I think about when I'm bored. (most of the time) You know, I probably think more than is good. Some times I over think things (joke for examples) and mess up. But then again sometimes I under think and screw up. This comes back to the fine line thing. Where everything is a fine line that needs to be walked on. Oh well better sleep bye , peace (still working on the poetry , no I didn't forget) (good song: falls apart by sugar ray) later

9/30 /2000 - Its funny how sometimes u try even what u no wont work. Like there is this girl (as there always is a girl) and I have no chance so what do I do? What else, piss her off. LOL. You know what I've realized how I compare. You know those teen movies like about high school? Yeah you know what I mean anyway. I'm like the guy that's just there and weird and everyone know but doesn't really do anything with he's the guy that's just there.. that's me. And you no what.. I like it that way. (-: I find I am moderately compassionate (see last entry) but for a lot of things idc (I don't care) its just an easy attitude to have and I enjoy it. (sorry I forget where I was going with that) umm anyway have a beautiful day and enjoy the simple beauties in it! Its amazing how if you top and simply look and listen and experience something it is amazing. Watch a tree blowing in the wind then close you eyes and listen to it its amazing. I sometimes just lay down and watch the clouds go by …talk about relaxing.(-: that's all I got for ya check back later still working on the poetry peace, free Yugoslavia!

9/29 /2000 - ok I'm back again! Sorry I didn't write in the past 2 days but I've been busy with homework football and other stuff…but now it's the weekend, fin de semana, party time! Oh yeah! Wait…I have no parties to go to. Oh well (-: Um, well first id just like to thank everyone who responded to the site, so far I have only gotten rave reviews. Suggestions have also been good, and a slight amount of criticism , but none to harsh.(-: So thanks. Well now another person is asking me who I like. How unusual. Most people need to worry about themselves than others Ah well as I said today is Friday and school was ok, one fun part was my music lesson. I am in this ensemble group and we have this one piece where we do everything with hand-clapping (and on cheeks mouths backs and chest) and its kind of stupid but a riot. It almost like the saying ignorance is bliss, but not exactly [going to eat dinner] [back] ok where was I? Uh 'ignorance is bliss', Ah I don't feel like going into that I'm just gonna relax and type what I'm thinking … hmm sorry but not much I got a brain cramp. My world spins for 5 days then I get a day or two to rest and its back to the grind. I get like no sleep (major dark circles). And yeah (trying to sound aggravated but not). New topic-> yesterday I was at CCD and I met this lady (the teacher) and I explain to her how it's a dog eat dog world and I watch out for number one (myself) first b4 others and of course I meant this in proportion, its not like I have no consideration for others or something and what does she say? "you have no compassion." I mean geeze does she no me? No. and the class topic for the year is like about prejudice or something (not that she knows im agnostic (to be unspecific)) and she goes and judges me right off the bat. I hate people like that. One of my main peeves are people that jude people or things b4 they know them. One of my favorite virtues is definitely an open mind. But then again keeping ideals is important to u must maintain an identity. You must walk a fine line to be good. I guess the whole world is like that huh. Unfortunately we always slip. Well peace out. (check out maria by ratm, music with meaning. ) Oh yeah, I got a request for more poems so ill search the archive or write some up k bye.

9/2 5/2000 - sooooo, hi again, I was requested to put up some poetry I write so here goes (background info: this is about I girl I like but probably will never be able to get):

I suck, but I write this stuff when I'm all emotional (dare I say that) so gimme some slack. So that's odd right when I put this up I'm also helping a friend get the girl I wrote about , yeah I guess I picked the right title (hopeless). lol. Ah, liking, not liking, (I dare not use 'love' for my age) is such a cruel emotion….Everyone doesn't like who likes them and everyone's hurt, of course maybe this doesn't apply to all ,cause other people find good people but that's How it is for me. But I'm sure it happens to a lot of people because I Know people like me. But I'd say its worth it, not from experience, but from my dreams, if real love is 1/4 as satisfying as what I feel in all my funky dreams (really weird stuff) than its definitely worth it. Plus there's like human instincts so its easier just to try. …Hmm thinking of something to write about….you know if anyone reading this has any topics they want to see me shoot the shit on just send em in, or even if u just got criticism, I love e-mails (-:……. Uh today I have no home work except to study…study ..lol! yeah right. (sarcasm). On that essay test, see last entry, I finished and I'm recopying as a final copy the teacher gave us more time so ill be ok, but I don't know if its an ok essay or if it sucks! Ahh, and also today I had a football scrimmage which I didn't play in, cause I'm a starter so I sit around in the cold for 5 hours and see five seconds of the girls soccer game then walk home to a empty house and realize I'm locked out and I break in through the back window. And I go on here and write this. Ahh that's about all for today. Peace out! (oh yeah1 a good song that I'm listen to write now is Dance with me by Live, k bye)

9 /24/2000 - I've decided that what other people think of you matters a lot. Cause what u do is all relative to other people. But before I go into this I would like to say that I am a happy person despite how sad/depressed/pessimistic/mad I sound here. ((-: Ok, anyway, I mean What other people think doesn't count for everything but it does count for a lot hmm let me think of what some people think of me: I'm scary, an ass, weird, funny, sweet when I want to be, mean, gooney, an ass, and scary. Wow , right? Mostly people think I show no emotion……I'd say that's pretty accurate. Why? I really don't know maybe cause I'm afraid to? I really don't know and I do it without trying to. And thus I come of as "cold". Bummer lol. But I try.. I try hard to at least break out the chick flick material once in a while. I think maybe the problem is the lack of vocabulary - I mean u know what u feel and u wanna express it some how but u can't, ahh maybe its that but il probably never pinpoint it. Plus people think your scary so your afraid u are gonna scare them away. Ex. I write poems and stuff, pretty good if I say so myself, some I post on message boards, but never let anyone I know see them cause I don't wanna be woosy, or weird. I kind of despise that aspect of me for I hate fear. To me fear and hate are 'bad' emotions and should be taken out of humans. Oh well I guess I am human(darn, right , lol) and have to deal with it. (but as a plus so does everyone else(-:) I guess that's why I made this page, as an outlet for my stuff or whatever I feel like …no rules on what it has to be so it will turn in to what I can't decide. (if that makes sense) So…..tomorrow I go back to my 4 th week of school (fun) and I have some tests, the English essay test on the metamorphosis by frantz kafka . Its one of those critical lens things and I need more time than the two periods we (my class) gets, and im gonna do bad but the math and science ones are in the bag! Well peace to all and keep the comments coming. Later. (oh yeah check out minority by greenday and teenage dirtbag by wheatus)

9/23/2000 - Hmm first entry! Ill start with a convo I had with a friend on aol : { Friends sn: u got yourself a girl yet? ,Dugie0001: no, Dugie0001: never, Dugie0001: im not good enough ,Dugie0001: lol ,Friends sn: of coarse you are! your not that bad looking ,and when you want to ,you can be really sweet! ,Dugie0001: lol its all shit ,Friends sn: no its not! ,Dugie0001: yeah it is ,Friends sn: y do you think [former girlfriends name] liked you so much ,because deep down inside of you there really is a nice person ,Dugie0001: a little too deep ,Friends sn: well maybe if you took off your mask and just let people see down into you , maybe you would find the world isn't so cruel afterall ,Dugie0001: lol ,Friends sn: people are probably just scared to get attached to you ,because you don't seem very acceptive ,Dugie0001: ****R&R THANKS! ,Friends sn: why is this so funny? ,Dugie0001: cause itis ,Friends sn: y ? ,Dugie0001: i dunno ,Friends sn: then it really cant be that funny? why cant you just admit its the truth ? ,Dugie0001: cause when i do its just ignored ,Dugie0001: its like that stabbing westward song lol ,Friends sn: doug ,y do you do this to yourself ,you could be so much happier ,Dugie0001: i am happy ,Dugie0001: lol } Hmm .. me opening up to someone? I don't see that happening no one wants me to open up…god knows stuff would fall; out (-: Sure I have a sweet sensitive inside but I wont show it cause no one wants it. People don't even wanna be around me (today I was not invited to a party with most of people I consider my 'friends') Personally, I think if anyone wants to see the real me it wont be anyone I know yet. Anyway……Today I beat our schools rival's jv football team, yay. And played in our schools pepband, for varsity. They won too. And then I walked home alone was offered a ride by some of the other people I was around at pepband, but had to much pride to accept. Anyway I took care of some cats at a neighbors house (there on vacation in london ) and then came home and sat around doing nothing then decided to make this site. If No ones listening might as well give them the opportunity right? Well anyway…send me emails with responses or suggestions or whatever.