March 1, 2 005 – 2:04PM – snow (a decent amount, wouldn't thought much of oit back on GI but here everythings cancelled or delayed) (how many times did I hear,”Well you're from buffalo. You guys are all insane out there.”) - I found this funny article in the Miami of ohio newspaper and If you know me you'll appreciate it. Although its funny it does kinda bring up the pressures on me in this post feminist world. Sensitive yet tough, chivalrous yet knowing women can do everything and what not. What has happened to us? Here it is(of course with my two cents added,like I could resist):
Manliness in danger of extinction
By Zach Parks
I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.
I returned to Oxford [Doug's note:oxford, ohio is the town where Miami of Ohio is located, in case you didn't know] after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym. [so true]
I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.
Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.[what about dodgecup-the best dodge game ever]
Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing vaginas. [hey I like Freddie from scooby doo]
It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am. [yes, a freakin trans am, no substitute for v8 power]]
Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a café and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing — scotch. [mmm scotch]
Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctors' ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness. [what about cigars?]
When manly men aren't eating pieces of s*** like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette. [mmmm bacon]
Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.
Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.
That last line reminded me of (I had to say this), “I've got a fever! And the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!” Sorry, I had to say that. I just read this today and it was hilarious. It is somewhat true tho. What up with chicks digging weak skinny worthless guys? Where do they ever end up? Ladies, you can help us here; dig guys who are worthwhile as men otherwise become a lesbian and let us watch, you know make up your mind. The only reason these guys do this is to get tail. (this obviously excludes gays that's a horse of another color) Okay, enough about that. What else is going on? I'm working on a research project for that 60s class. I'm doing it on The Grateful Dead. Although after starting research I think this part will only be on Jerry Garcia, he was with that who kesy crowd/the stuff that happened in the Bay area during the 60s . (if you don't know what I'm talking about, shame on you!) So I have interviews and stuff. If you read this and you have old rolling stone or Life magazines around your house lemme know. I guess that's all for now.
Peace and love and the revolution
doug
Febru ary 27, 2005 – 2:31 AM – So after a night going around with my recruit I am laying in bed, tired, but I feel obliged to write some stuff in here. Mainly because the same nag as before nagged me again. But lets be honest, I like it. Just to let you all know, I didn't drink at all tonight and since we had matt's car I drove the others for safety. Matt is the kid with leukemia. Toms recruit seemd to find this to be sad and kept giving him hugs for beating cancer in to remission. Which I guess is pretty cool but we always bust his balls for having cancer. “Nah, he cant do it, he has cancer.” But he does it himself too so its cool. Its kinda like when I make fun of my friend Emily who is blind (almost) in one eye. They seem pretty comfortable with themselves so why make a big deal its just messing around. I hate when people always wanna be so PC about stuff. Just tell it like it is or atleast how you see it and with some respect. I'm not saying you shouldgo up to the first blind guy you see and don't know and say, “Hey you fricken blind that's hilarious!” But you also should be comfortable around people that you know or are hanging out with. This is sort of an inherent result of college. You meet lots of people and even if it's the first time your hanging with them (a la recruits) you treat them like tyou know them and don't worry about being so proper. This outright honesty is more genuine and congenial (I think) than making sure you say African-american instead of black or homosexual instead of gay and etc. Don't get me wrong there is a time for proper words and actions but for people who worry about that stuff all the times and politicians who yuse it to cover up there true feelings about things people and events I think its crap. Not much is going one besides last night us goin to spitzers house and having the recruits have fun. The same kid that was hugging matt told a roomful of black students that he had a two inch penis (we all died laughing), after asking if black guys had bigger penises. My recruit wrote “INSERT COCK HERE” with an arrow pointing to dave's mouth on dave's face after he feel asleep in a drunken stupor. Dave also talked to a few random people in the hallway with his scrotum hanging out of his zipper (yes this is what getting drunk does to you children, BEWARE lol). Other than that it was a pretty slow night. We were thinking about going to albvany but that didn't happen. Alright that's about it for now.
Peace and love and revolution
Doug
February 21, 2005 – 11:25 – Troy , NY – stopped snowing dark(but hey its nighttime) – I have lifting tomorrow at 7am so im not gonna write to much. I'd like to point out that ive uploaded my picts from killingto,vt to my webshots (its snowboarding etc.), check my aim profile for the links. The trip on saturday was amazing it was perfect weather and the pictures can hardly do justice to how beautiful it was. Plus the riding was awesome so much fun. Then that night I hit up two crazy parties with girls lol, good times! Daves back from going home this weekend and farting in his sleep about 3 yards that way. But whatever. On a totally unrelated note people should write snailmail letters more often, its lovely to receive personal correspondence; it shows thought and is really quite easy to send. I read The Blue Lagoon: A Romance by H. de Vere Stacpoole this weekend. You may have heard of the 1980 film based on it. I loved the movie so I downloaded and read the book. I would recommend it. It's a quick read and it really makes you ask questions about the nature of society. It's about two castaways who grow up with only nature to teach them anything and how they live, fall in love and such. The author clearly had feelings about nature and I think at least its something to think about. But anywasy if you read it and want to talk about it call im or email me Last night we watched undercover brother, great movie. Its got the best white people jokes yesterday. I love things like that that take such a light attitude on something so heavy as race relations. I think that's why I like the daily show so much, I mean co'mon, you cant get angry over fake news lol. So yes we should all lighten up and tell people who are all crazy about things to chill. Indeed. (yes I know I merely agreed with myself to back up an argument but hey chill out-lighten up- it's just a silly website!) Well I have a lot more to say of a more sersious or contemplative nature but now im off to bed, you dig? I thought you would.
Peace and love
Doug
and no I didn't forget: revolution
February 15, 2005 – 1:55PM – Troy , NY –sunny outside and I have my window wide open – So Syracuse was fun, I had a crazy time with my cousin on Friday and hung out with Becky on Saturday. My cousin's friends are crazy, there was this one kid that was blowing vicatin! I mena I've seen my fair sshare of drug use but that's outrageous! Becky took me around the school and I got my patch… I think I am going to start visiting my friends at different institutions and collect patches for my hat. “Why?” you may ask. I have no idea… maybe just casue I think I'm super cool. All in all it was a good time and I came back with a bottle of J&B -my favorite lol. Um I received a complaint that Something was wrong with the site and I guess the sound I had casued to much transfer of info so they shut me down temporarily. Sorry. I'll take he background music away for now. Speaking of music, The song in my last entry has been put together and I have a rough recording. Ive gotten to peoples opinions so far and they think its decent, I have to re-record casue im still not good at the song and the recording methods I used we not that great but if you want to hear it im or email me; I will send it to you. I'm thinking of making an entire album lol low quality but just to say I have an album lol. Oh well more on that later… One of my friends who commented on the song also had a few things she said about the site and her thoughts on things in general I thought it would be cool to put them up here and I hope she doesn't mind. Here it is:
Friend's S/N (12:28:40 AM): I thought it was good doug, do u mind if i write my comments on here? well i' too lazy to write an email so u dont have a choice
Auto response from Dugie0001 (12:28:40 AM): duermo
Friend's S/N (12:30:06 AM): I like how you were so honest...its hard to come by that these days...but i would expect nothing less from you
Friend's S/N (12:30:34 AM): as for this emptiness you feel, you're not alone
Friend's S/N (12:31:04 AM): i can't say that i know how you feel, because i don't, but i've felt empty too
Friend's S/N (12:31:34 AM): you touched on politics, and i think they bring our morale down even more
Friend's S/N (12:32:41 AM): after the election, i felt like America had died, and felt that our people are hopeless, i mean where are the real values? I am Christian and i don't buy into their all-mighty, sit on their high horse and judge you crap
Friend's S/N (12:33:35 AM): i think many of Americans have forgotten what is real, what is truly important
Friend's S/N (12:34:15 AM): I think the election cause me to be depressed for about a month, but i'll tell you of something that lifted my spirits
Friend's S/N (12:34:44 AM): we were reading Plato's Republic in my fresh. seminar, and we came across what he had to say about beauty
Friend's S/N (12:36:08 AM): its kinda deep, and i'm not so good and explaining such things, so bear with me
Friend's S/N (12:36:17 AM): *at
Friend's S/N (12:37:15 AM): he said that one who can sometimes recognize beauty, but does not know the "form" of beauty itself, does not understand beauty
Friend's S/N (12:37:36 AM): but one who knows what beauty is, can see it also
Friend's S/N (12:38:29 AM): he never defines it (there is no right answer), so i defined as wholly as i could, and looked of rit around me
:::*NOTE*::: Plato was a believer in absolute beauty - beauty beyond sensory beauty of visual, smell or audio etc. In his writings (especially the republic (I think books 4 and 5)) he states that one must move past indulgences of the senses to the beauty of the nature/state of things. He says that those who can do this are the philosophers, and they are few. And they should be the rulers of the world. He was so modest…lol. But yeah you should read it it's a fast read lol okay maybe not but who wouldn't want to hear socartes and plato shoot it out? :::*ENDNOTE*:::
Friend's S/N (12:38:59 AM): i think we who are bogged down by the disappointments in our society forget to find the beauty in it
Friend's S/N (12:40:46 AM): if we look for it, maybe it will give us hope to pursue the changes we yearn for in our world, and even make us more whole within ourselves
Friend's S/N (12:40:52 AM): we just need to open our eyes
Friend's S/N (12:43:39 AM): i hope that made sense, goodnight!
Friend's S/N (12:53:48 AM): by the way i did get your email, it just took a while...it sounds really good, you can sing AND play! i didn't know you had progressed so far...keep it up
So yeah…Hows that for shamless self-promotion? lol But anywho, I guess that that's all I got for now…If you have and song ideas for the forthcoming album lemme know lol
Peace and Love (and freaking revolution, its time to stand up)
Doug
Febr uar y 10, 2005 – 11:30PM -Troy, NY – my room of course – So heres some things from the port huron statement which I read a few days ago that kinda spoke to me so I thought id put them out here (if you've read it I apologize but glance to see what caught my attention if you care.):
the message of our society is that
there is no viable alternative to the present.
The goal of man and society should be
human independence: a concern not with image of popularity
but with finding a meaning in life that is personally authentic;
In social change or interchange, we find violence to be abhorrent
because it requires generally the transformation of the target,
be it a human being or a community of people, into a
depersonalized object of hate.
The significance is in the fact that students are breaking
the crust of apathy and overcoming the inner alienation
that remain the defining characteristics of American college life. < === this one should be happening now
There is not much willingness to take risks (not even in business)
, no setting of dangerous goals, no real conception of personal
identity except one manufactured in the image of others, no real
urge for personal fulfillment except to be almost as successful
as the very successful people. Attention is being paid to social
status (the quality of shirt collars, meeting people, getting
wives or husbands, making solid contacts for later on); much,
too, is paid to academic status (grades, honors, the med school
rat race). But neglected generally is real intellectual
status, the personal cultivation of the mind. < === Why did you go to college and what are you trying to get out of it? After reading this are you being honest with yourself? Really? I wasn't the first time. Most peoples true answer that question, “to get a education to get a job”. And ive re-evaluated that, and I am hopeful to and fell I am getting something more out of it. I listened to some Bob Dylan today. It in spired me to write a folk song with political implications. I am going to practice it and record it and put it up here soon, hows that for a tease? But in the meantime im not very good at lyrics/ poetry as you all know so Im gonna put them up here and see if any of you crazy liberal arts majors cant help me improve on them before I record. So hack it up and send me your ideas id really appreciate them, even whole new verses or anything, I wanna hear what you have to say. I also need a title. Well here it is without revisions…don't laugh.
I see a sheet shouded around a mans head
I feel a heart that seems like it is dead, but its not
I saw a cover over a man's eyes
He thought men wernt supposed to cry
There is a sentiment, i think you know its true
we're all just bumbling around looking for what to do
==chorus==
for all our actions , they laugh at us us there
in this global community how long can we afford not to care
Is it mandatory army registraion
or is it no child left behind
With so many catchphrases flying
its amazing we havent lost our mind
==chorus==
How many wars must the twleve year olds fight
before they can go to sleep night with out a fire fight
Now theres a war that they are calling freedom
freedom doesnt sound like a war to me
They say its whats best for the people
seems like theres something more you can see
==chorus==
I watched a generation grow up without convictions
They say there are no good causes left
have we fallen into pessimistic numbess
or have mind/heart, eyes and ears gone deaf
I know the're things out there to fill the voids
but is this generation ready to write their part of the story
chorus:
((Is there something that seems amiss to you
If you understand what you feel then I belive its true
I see things that shouldnt be
can you not see through the sheet or is it only me))
Well that's all for now folks I hope to have the finished recording up sometime next week. Don't nag me, you can't rush art, even if it is political…well maybe cartoons, but that's not the point.!!!! Alright well im off to get my stuff together for my little weekend trip, I hopw its nice where you are (and I don't just mean the weather…lol)
Peace & love (can you feel that revolution in your gut?)
Doug
Februa ry 9, 2005- 9:02PM – Troy, NY – Low Center for Industrial Innovation – So I was going to write something in here today and I guess I should ‘casue when I came back to my room after class I got an instant message (my away message was on) that read: “get some new entries, i have no reading material anymore”. So that was probably the most threating note I've ever received regarding the site, lol. (it is nice to know people are reading it, I appreciate it(-:) But okay, in all seriousness… I guess I'll start talking about some real stuff. I have no particular way to start so I apologize for the akwardness of this transition. I am going to Syracuse this weekend. I leave on a westbound train on friaday and am getting picked up by my cousin Val. I plan to spend the Friday to Saturday with her. It worked out well. At first when I called her saying I was planning on coming over this weekend she said, “Oh no! That's horrible!” Needless to say I was surprised. Turns out she was considering going back to buffalo this weekend. So she thought for a minute and then ends up saying she was actually considering staying Friday night because she has a huge test on Friday (shes in Med school at ‘cuse). For many of you that may be confusing, you are probably thinking to yourself, “wait wouldn't her test be during the day? Wouldn't she want to go home after it?” But to those of us that are in the know are aware of the mathematical equation that follows: [(Hard work all week) + (late nights studying)] x HUGE TEST = EVEN MORE HUGE CRAZY PARTY. So in part it worked out well cause now she has an excuse to stay and get her party on lol. So I guess I'll beable to use her apartment even after she's gone if need be. For the rest of the weekend, I plan to stay with/ spend time with becky. So I think we all know that will be the x factor. I don't really know whats its like between us and I don't thinkshe does either. And for sure I'm not gonna tip my hand here so I guess we'll all have to wait and see how it goes. Im sure Ill have a good time; it doesn't seem she's as miserable as last semester, lol. On a completely different note: I guess my little thing in my im profile has casued me to move on (finally) from jill. (Those of you who know what im talking about can put two and two together and figure out what I mean) I won't lie to myself she was something that I was kinda clinging to and some small part of me kinda thought somehow we might give it a go again but I guess that's done and done. So now is ‘the time'. It's sort of like this part in a book I am reading. (I'll be honest, I knew I was gonna write this somewhere in this entry before I even started but now seems like a nice segway lol) These crazy heads including Ken Kesey go to this institute in Big sur and theres this guy trying to “free peoples minds” or something like that. Anyway, he had this thing he called the ‘Now Trip'. “ His theory was that most people live fantasy lives. They live totally in the past or in terms of what they expect in the future, which amounts to fear, generally. …[He] tried to teach his patients pupils, and the clients to become aware of their bodies and all the information their senses brought *//lol, I moved from the CII to the Library in the last sentence and I think its cool cause someone accidentally blasted some classical music from their laptop, well I thought it was funny, now back to our regularly scheduled programming//* them, to shelve their fears and seize the moment.” The now trip was an exercise where participants tried to catalogue all the sesonry/internal experiences thy had at a given moment. If you try it in you head its kinda fun. His little life philosophy is an interesting take on the carpe diem sorta attitude. Hmm, it seems to me it was cooler when I read it thought rather than me explaining it to you right now. Sorry. (-: I guess its cause I kinda was clinging to the past and not knowing what to expect in the future and that's what caused my little episode the other day. So it kinda spoke to me cause all things considered today was a pretty good day. Lol and right now is a pretty good second. Oh man that reminds me I got this great candle today (and before you ask no im not going fruity on you all its just nice to cover up the smell in our room); I got a honeydew candle. It is the best smelling thing that you can't eat ever! Then again why wouldn't it be? Honeydew is the moneymelon. (if you know what I am talking about you are totally awesome(to the extreme)(yeah, I said it). Well that's all for now folks. And to that faithful reader that imed me I hope this gives you your fix for awile. For all you and you read this I will love you until you tell me to stop, just like befre when I never said it lol except for right below this every single time (-:
Peace and love (and don't forget the revolution!)
Douglas (yeah I switched it up for a change, it sounds more proper)
January 31, 2 005 – 5:05PM – Troy, NY – My room (possibly a bit of football studyhall in the CII, I dunno, we'll see how it goes) - So yes as yesterday's brief entry implied I had minor meltdown lol, though I must say it was a very temporary thing and I felt better afterwards. I guess that's what happens when you don't really express yourself to a responding audience. My feelings I guess could be epitomized closely by the song “Help” by the Beatles (
Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh
) (Can you say biggest parenthetical enclosure ever?). So anyways I was talking to Jill though instant messenger (sorry I forgot to save the conversation) and I kinda fell apart. I mentioned that I had smoked some pot and her reaction was something to the tune of I can't believe you'd ever be stupid enough to do that. This kinda stunned me, not so much in her reaction but just that her thinking badly of me could be so devastating. The conversation contained how I thought things were generally emtey and I can't find anything to fill the foid I feel (see two entries back). I mean it is how I feel sometimes but I guess now im upset casue I am sure I gave the wrong impression, mostly im pretty happy and of a good demeanor. Anyways, the thing that really put me away was when she just said she didn't even recognize me and that I changed ( I assume she ment for the worse). For me this hurt because shes really the only person I could ever share any deep part of myself with. Ever since I got here she was the only person I really talked to, now my conversations with her are quite rare. I don't talk much with my mother ever either; so I guess that's another thing that's bothered me- I don't talk to her much I whats worse I just don't feel comfortable calling her, I mean its like the simpsons and an ‘emotional affair' Her and I are just friends now we shant talk about such intimate things lord knows she stopped telling me these things a while ago. When I started to tell her this I think I was looking for comfort and I only got disbelief. I was ashamed of myself. She was right, I was acting like a scared pessimistic child; it wasn't me. At least I pray not. The way I've been acting hasn't been me. Especially with her, I have to grow up and get over it. I guess with out any thing for security I wasn't such a tough guy but I guess I'm set to suck it up now. I read Self-Reliance, I should put it to use. I dunno if my meandering writing is representive of this but I am so torn. I feel like I need something and that I can't hold a façade of not needing anything. I mean I can earn the money and do the school work and cook and whatever and take care of myself but I need something still and I don't know what. I think that's what it is. Some people have religion, others a passion for their hobby, love for their family. I just don't have anything. Religion didn't work… I love my family but It's not a really fulfilling thing for me. (for those of you that know about my dad and ect. You might have some more insight on it.) I think in my head now that I felt differently when I was with jill but I don't know if that's really valid considering the circumstance It could just be cause there aren't many girls here or because im jealous. Either way the problem is the same: I don't have any clue what I need to fill the void. And I know drugs, frivolous relations with women and partying are not filling it, any suggestions?
Peace and Love (revolution too)
Doug.
January 30, 2005 – 6:40PM – the institute – my room - Picture this, you bring yourself to your knees, weeping in a wreck, all messed up as you are (well not totally, but pretty much all the way just out). And someones there who knows your best is there shaking their head in disgust and disbelief. Picture this is me. Now let's say this is real life. Bingo. (am I insane?) How was your Sunday?
Peace and love ( and revolution)
Your friend in text,
Doug
Janu ary 28, 2005 – 12:55AM – Troy , NY – my room – Ok, so how does today parallel with the late 50s and early sixties? (ok kiddies, we all know there is an un popular war) There is a regime- no, I won't say that because I don't wan't it to seem bad just by the words I use I'm not trying to criticize right now, only draw some conections-there is a group in power which has used fear tactics and secretive operations to influence the country and ‘piss off' lots of people. We have a much divided populace. Back then, there were the progressive heads and hippies vs. the traditional bring back the fifties image of typical American dream and now it's (yes I simplify for the sake of not writing a 10 page paper report) traditional Christain ‘go America attitude' and oh man what are we thinking moderates and leftists. So I'll tell you what I think. I think history is bound to repeat itself. What was it about the ‘sixties'? Everything climaxed and new ideas were brought about; it was a revolution of sorts for thought of all kind, philosophy, political attitudes and expressions and the arts. So rise above the bull shit rise above others' ideas. Hell, don't take what I say for granted just get out and say something I'm so sick of everyone being so blah. Where did the social change come in the sixties? College campuses, so, my friends its time to find what you think and say what it is and mean it back it up, read and experiment with things and ideas. Don't get dranw in to the web they weave. Find your own path. If it's the path they say at least find it on your own. Now is the time to overcome the blinders put on our eyes. Someone recently told me that “The greatest thing you can be in life is a success. To provide for you family and children…” Well shit, what if that'snot your vision of success. What if you don't buy in to the ‘American dream'. Sounds like the same old shit to me. And as far as all this American values bullshit. I thought they were hard work, forward thinking and courage and things like that. Not this crap about banning cartoon characters because they promote homosexuality (yes a pro-diversity, anti-hate campaging featuring some stupid sponge (no not the sexual kind) is bad, very bad. It brings back the memories of when they coverd up lady justice cause the statue was indecent. What about making people who think different than you not able to have the right you have? Is that indecent? I think so but hey they have the power so they are probably right……Wrong. Unfortunately in politics, some bad apples can spoil it all cause if they get in power anyone who might want to go against them won't casue they think many other are on that side and they won't get their bills passed for their constituents = political suicide. Yes I will say it, it's a vicious cycle. We can do it better than before tho and it's due use the power of modern technology for something other than porn (yeah I mean you dave lol).
END
THE
CYCLE
yes, you can
peace, love, and the next revolution
(remember you can always send me what you think at my email )
Little addition to the entry (aka on a less political and philosophical note:)
I was questioned as to the nature of my last entry. As you may have observed it was a poem I wrote. That's how I felt when I wrote and I think it expresses how I feel at times like those. For those that know me you may have insight or you may not. It has many levels of meaning so you can read into it. Evreybody has a heart even if sometimes its hidden. Alright that's all for now.
Januar y 24, 2005 – 11:08PM – Troy , NY – my room - …not much will write more later
I am a void.
I am full of life yet I am empty.
I have much to let out.
The time I have I use,
yet still I have not what I seek
nor what it is do
I know
I seek.
Or, is it that I do not wish to admit what
I seek
I know
Will not or never be mine?
At times I am vibrant,
may even smile;
Yet within…
I feel empty.
I am lost, lonely, colder r r r.
I am a void.
Epilogue (a.k.a. addendum…)
If only to feel that warmth once more…
to live once more…
to… feel
alive.
I am a void.
regards, peace, and love
Doug.
January 18, 2005 – 10:16PM – Troy , NY – my room – First day of classes, semester dos (yes Spanish). Time for some random quotes: “…and the GDP of Botswana. Then again, I probably spent more on restaurants than the GDP of Botswana.” “It's the sesame seeds, man. The sesame seeds make me explode!” “That's only cool if I am on the rollercoaster. Then I'm likie, ‘Tight! I'm weightless!” “I haven't killed anyone… since nineteen sixty-four!” (bonus points for anyone who can name that movie and actor.) “When you want something in life you have to go at it, grab it by the balls and make it yours. It's the only way you have a chance at getting something in life" Okay that's enough of that. I really just wanted some filler so as to avoid a short entry. So I had two classes today, a recitation for Diff EQ and my first lecture for Money and Banking. I Just realized I am taking two classes this semester that are pretty much polar in nature. One is Money and Banking which is all about money making and understanding how the systems of the economy work together and etc. And the other is Understanding the 60s, it's about hippies and etc. and to put it in perspective the only required text is Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test . This is in contrast to a book list for the other class which includes a subscription to the Wall Street Journal. There so different it's almost disturbing that I am taking them both at the same time. The more I think about it the more I feel like there is a rift within myself too. One side of me wants to be a fun loving, easy going fun person. And the other side of me wants to work and wheel and deal and make the money and have stuff. I guess the hardest thing is to find a balance between the two things and be able to take care of youself, have the things you want and be able to take care of those you love as well as not be so uptight so as to be unhappy. Where is that line? Does anyone else feel like this? Casue it makes me fell like I am old. Oh well I guess I'll sleep on it and dream of hot hippie lovin' or making my fortune in the bond market…okay im only 18, who am I kidding? It's gonna be hot hippie lovin' (-:
Peace and love
Doug
January 5, 2005 – 11:13AM – Grand Island , NY – Kitchen – Well, I am about half the way through winter break. Not much of great interest has happen. For New Year's I was away; a friend of mine gets this cabin every year and we go sking at the the Peek'n Peak resort in southern Western New York . Althought the weather was horrible for skiing or riding (50 degrees F, rain) it was still a most excellent time. To have a weekend with the old friends, save some that were missing was really just great. I couldn't have been more pleased by the trip. Things like that make you value those you have to spend time with. Great people are truly what make life worth living. I took a ridiculous amount of snapshots; some are decent. I am goin tot put them up on my webshots after I sort though them all and maybe once I get back to school, because right now my connection speed is way to slow to upload that many images. As for what you are all really wondering about wondering about: I am back to my old antics. But I find it to be not rewarding. I am not sure why, I guess I am looking for something more or something else. I am not sure of what. So I guess I'll try and straighten things out with those I am involved with at the moment and keep looking for something. Perhaps I am hopeless (like that would ever stop me (-:). I guess I should comment on the tsunami disaster in Asia . All I can say is that it is tragic and awe inspiring. I kind of think of it as the world/universe just reminding mankind how worthless and minute humans are in the grand scheme of things. I am looking at the numbers they have in the current Time magazine and it estimates that over 123,000 people died on two different continents because of an event that lasted for less than half a day. To comprehend death on that scale is a difficult task. Although I guess disaters like this also show the resilience of human life too. For instance, there was a guy who floated on debris in the ocean for 8 days living off coconuts that floated by. That's all I have to say about that right now. I guess I'll finish with that for now.
Peace and love.
Decem ber 28, 2004 – 2:23PM – Grand Island , NY – My Chamber – cold, overcast, but still bright outside – (currently in the middle of doing my laundry)So Christmas came and went. It seemed not much like a holiday in that it wasn't that joyous. My mother and sister were/are sick and the air was more or normalcy as opposed to festive. I don't know why it just was… O well it was still an alright time and the food was good (-: I got a couple sweatshirts and an umbrella and two movie tickets and some other things. I like not getting a lot of stuff though, seriously. I don't think one person should get that much stuff all at once. Spread it out and get it when you need it; to me gifts should just be little thing(s). (This little aside is in response to some people I know getting mondo (yes I said ‘mondo') amounts of presents, and I don't just mean relative to what I got. Oh and I wont name who they are, if you read this and you think it might be you then think about it. lol) Since Christmas I haven't done to much, just hung out with the old people and what not. Yesterday I spent most of the day with Amanda and I copied all my music on to her iPod that she got from her aunt. We went and saw a movie. At first, I will be honest, I thought this movie was going to blow. I personally wanted to see ‘The Aviator” about Howard Hughes but Amanda had the free passes so it was up to her. She wanted to see 'Closer'. It's this flick with Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and Natalie Portman. From the previews you'd probably think it was a romantic comedy or something, but you turn out to be wrong. It's actually a cunning look at emotions in relationships. (not to mention great cinematography). It shows the feeling that everyone has where when they are in a relationship that you want what you don't have and then when you have that you want what you once had back. (Sorry, this is kinda turning into a film review. Maybe I should make a separate part for film reviews…? Hmmm) In any event I really identified with the feelings that the characters had in the film. Granted they had to act on them to show the audience what they were- making it an extreme case, but it still showed the fickle and incomprehensible nature of love. And again it was well crafted and clever how the story was portrayed. So yeah if you have trouble understanding me you should see this movie. (and I do like it for more than just the knockers you see in it.) To conclude I was pleasantly surprised by the movie and it was ironic because I do not believe Amanda enjoyed it as much as me. Oh, I have to mention the gift Ted got me – W ketchup, “ America 's Ketchup”. It is the ketchup you used to not support Kerry in the past election. Now, all politics aside, Heinz ketchup is the ketchup, it's the best and will always be the best. Ted said some places down there stopped selling Heinz because of the election. (Sorry if I am passionate about my ketchup but I am) I don't mind a little mudslinging in politics and whoever get elected gets elected but when politics comes between me and a good burger I get mad, so they're just lucky I wasn't down there ordering a burger. (Although I will say I admire those who capitalized on these people) lol but I guess that's it for now, I'll try to write before the ski trip.
Peace and Love.
Decem ber 19, 2004 – 4:40PM – Troy , NY – My room – accumulated snow - ::yawn:: … So I wasn't able to write when I said I would. Sorry. (like you care lol) but to recount about whether or not I accomplished those things I did them all except get excel fixed on my computer. So I am going to try and do that tomorrow after my tests. Tomorrow is Chemistry for engineers and Calc II, I'm not worried about Calc but I have studied for chem. And will some more after I am done with this. It's so hard to study right now, all I hear about is, “Hey, where are you?” Everyone else is back home and done with school. Everyone elses' away messages are saying how awesome break is… mine says, “Christmastime? Really? I didn't even notice... It's still finals time…” It's rather depressing. Although I won't lie, the last few years' Christmases haven't been very enjoyable. Mike, Kevin and myself were talking about this the other day (we kinda have the same religious perspective- agnostic, but hell, why not party for Christmas, you know?) about how there's nothing really that great about ‘the season'. Especially this year, those who are here at the institute you know what I mean, there is no festive or warm feeling at all. And for me, I go back to my mom which is nice but I'm not that to close to her (which I kinda regret cause she is pretty much all I have) and it still doesn't have that feeling with only one other person to spend your time with. I guess that Terri and Brian and the baby are coming over on xmas to the house so that should be nice. I guess anyone will be better than Brown, LeMay , and Bursten. (Those are my Chem book authors.) oh well I guess I will write about how all that goes when I get home…the more I think about it the worse it feel to still be here. Oh well I am going to go study. Peace and love.
Dece mber 15, 2004 – 11:00 PM – Troy , NY – My room - Yeah so I slept in ‘till around 4 o'clock today; I guess its kind of pathetic but who cares. I think I said this already but I wish these exams would just come and be done with. This lack of structure, and responsibility is killing me. (to clarify: By saying ‘ killing me' I only mean that it is destroying who I am in the sense that I am a productive person. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having no responsibility and nothing in particular to do. I hope to be in that position someday… but for now I want to have things to do so I don't loose my desire to work hard for something as abstract as whatever it is exactly a diploma represents.) I have been working out and playing racquetball and I even studied a bit today but for the most part I've accomplished nothing. Tomorrow, I need to study, work out, get excel reinstalled on my computer (it's messed up again and I don't know why), clean up around here, do laundry, try and burn some of my movies onto compact discs, and some other things. I will report tomorrow night before I go to bed early (I have a Friday 8 am test) on whether or not I succeeded in any or all of these. I was watching the fox news today and they had Jerry Faldwell on talking about his reincarnation of the Moral Majority. “ America is a Judeo-Christian Country…” So I'm guessing I should pick up and leave?(And yes I understand that he was referring to the fact that most people that live here are Christian but he was nonetheless be very close minded about everybody else's place in American society. And being Christian doesn't mean you don't respect other people, in fact I think that it means your supposed to love them anyway…) Ah well, it was amusing. I always know I can watch one of the talk shows on Fox or look at the AFA's website to get me riled up. Lol Other things: I am trying to figure out what to buy as Christmas gifts for everybody. Actually to be honest, the larger problem is figuring out who I should get gifts for. My situation is the following: I know I should get gifts for my mother (done), and sister (not done), what about my brother in law, and I know I should get something for my nephew (what I should get though, I have no idea, he has about everything a one year old could want). Then for my friends, (I wish no one would get anyone anything cause then no one would feel bad or like they forgot someone.) I have to have something for Jill (but what should be the nature of the gift?), for the guys I'll probably pull the usual card and scratcher on Christmas day, I suppose Marybeth fits into that category too. Becky- I haven't really talked to her much since I got back after Thanksgiving so now I really don't know if I should get anything for her. Melissa- we're going shopping together, or at least that was the plan a long while ago so I guess I'll just by her something she likes while were are trying to buy crap. (wasn't this all so much easier when you just glued macaroni to a paper plate?) Then there's Jen and Missy grr I give up! The bottom line is that I don't know what to get and who to get for! I think you can see by my itemization and unclear statements about everyone that I am screwed, and remember I get back with 3 possible shopping days, check that make it two because I have to have dinner with my mother on Christmas Eve. Oh on the topic (sort of) A girl I don't really know to well ( and I say that in a relative sense compared to other people I grew up with), Jess Skelly, sent me a Christmas card at school. My first thought, though it should have been “aw, that's sweet of her”, was, “Well that's odd; she's one of the last people I'd expect a card from.” I mean I think I've only ever gotten mailed Christmas cards from my aunt, my grandma, and I think once my dad. Oh I think I got one from a friend of mine, Margaret but I think she just sent them out to everybody cause she a person that does that (one that really likes Christmas and spreading the old ‘Christmas cheer'). So anyways hopefully this girl Jess sent out cards to everyone (like everyone in the old [extended] gang), I'd feel more comfortable that way. |TOPIC CHANGE| (that was subtle, wasn't it) To follow up on when I said I talked to a girl I dated when I was freshman and I said I'd like to talk to her more; I haven't talked to her since. I just don't have any idea as to what I should or even could say. Sometimes I see her come online and I double-click on her screen name and think for a minute and then just close the box… It's like its some sort of symbolism of the universe telling me I can't(I am not able) go back to what I once was…or something like that, hich kind of makes me think about what I am now. What am I now- I have no freaking idea. I know I am a person who works out his daily agenda and Christmas gift list in an online journal but that hardly defines anything. (note: I mean the question “what am I now” in the deep philosophical sense to which the response a 18 year old human male is not a sufficient answer) so yeah… What am I now?
Peace and love
Dec ember 14, 2004 – 11:50 PM- Troy , NY- My Room – 21 deg. F / 12 deg F wind chill – Yeah it got chilly here. (-: So right now is finals week. Basically, while all other schools are done, we have a week of nothing and then our finals. What this equates to is partying and wasting time. Cases in point: Party was here in Church I on Sunday night, we took an adventure on Monday night, Mike and Kevin just finished Halo 2. This combined with not much need to study because I know the material or because in the case of calc I need only a 40 % to obtain the highest grade possible at this point has led to a mess of a sleep schedule, if you can call it that at all, and just weirdness. For instance there were two days this week when I wasn't even awake during daylight. I guess its bad but I think I'm back to normal, plus I've been exercising everyday. I've turned into a racquetball nutcase and play at least once daily. I love the game cause it is so fast and all over the place, plus your really tired when your done, its like tennis gone nuts. Not much else of interest has happened lately. Fred's been kissing a lot of girls so we suspect he may be straight! But after seeing him play racquetball today he's looking gayer again lol. We are all looking forward to break; I come back to Grand Island the 21 at night. Can't be done with these finals soon enough! Well that's all for now. Peace and love. Happy Hanukkah
Decem ber 6, 2004 – 9:49 PM – Troy , NY – Folsom Library – this is one of those random whatever is in my head ones. – internal monologue (like something that would play in a movie when a character is sitting doing something in a movie)(the like the beginning of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)- today was the first snow accumulation we had this year. The campus looks nice. Hell, even looking out over the city, dare I say it, Troy looks nice… with the snow and Sage Av. with all the stringed up lights. I wish I would have discovered the library sooner with its great view (although right now it is disturbed by my partial reflection). I bet its wasted ion a lot of people here. Today, Mike said, as a joke, “I guess I just like money more than being happy.” This was regarding his choice to go into engineering as opposed to English. The whole thing was brought on when he said, ‘Fuck Nietzsche, this week has only two options: kill me or make me much weaker.” Of course I laughed. And it was about then that we realized that although there are a lot of bright people here at the institute, many lack the appreciation or the desire to appreciate things such as that, ‘finer' things if you will. Don't get me wrong, I am all about math and science, but I am reading about eastern philosophies in my spare time. But anyway there are some people such as us here.
================
It's so,
the cliché of snow.
A blanket of white,
a blustery night,
a glistening veil.
Weather hate or hail,
'tis to no avail
to fight.
Mother has made her decision. so
some curse shoveling,
for others: ‘tis the season,
for me, what is the reason?
When its cold, and white,
I think it right
to go out and start
a snowball fight!
==============
Describe-
like air is cold,
like night is dark
like lead is heavy,
Is yours like mine art?
================
Endless babble over a city.
Sometimes where we are
is to think of where we've been.
Sometimes where we are
is the direction we're headed in.
But, alas, here is no why;
and reason escapes the mind or heart's eye.
Or again where one is, is not
the answer to the plaguing [question].
To above? To below? Where to look, I don't know.
A new place brings new insecurities
and once you thought, you don't know.
Feelings now, what of these?
Should have paid mind to the “heartless” heed.
Feel for no one, long for anything?
Is not passion true nature [of being]?
Old women tell of travel,
“It's not the same when you've no one to share it with.”
True, but better or worse or what?
Of all the questions, what one wants is the hardest.
It is ‘cause once you have it you want something else.
or maybe you just want to want something is desire that important to people? (I can see this is fading away from poetry perhaps I'll end now…)
=====================
Yikes, better stay away from the poetry for a while hehe. Here are some other things I'd like to share: “Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.”, “To acquire knowledge one must study, to acquire wisdom one must observe.”, “ Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast – you also miss the sense of where you're going and why.”. and this ones a bit early but its worth it! M(2.71828)r^2(1/y)^-1 Sqrt(x^2)(force/acceleration)
peace and love
Novem ber 29, 2004 – 4:42PM – Troy , NY – My room – So I've returned from an interesting break. All in all it was a good time back at the old stomping ground. I saw the family, hung out with old friends, and made some new ones (well if I know Brian's friend Oscar enough to be a friend). Unfortunately I didn't get a lot of sleep, but I suppose the fun I had was worth it. I spent a lot of time with Jill and I really enjoyed that. It was hard for me to only be with her as a friend but we did and had a good time. We went to the Albright-Knox on Friday too which I enjoyed. (for all of you in the Buffalo go on Fridays, its free! I had a feeling that she kinda had an internal struggle with things but that's just what I thought and we all know I can't read girls for crap lol. Other than that I hung out with the old gang, it seemed like everyone was back for the holiday. I spent so time with Becky too, and I have no idea about that. Ill figure out about that after this semester is done cause right now I have all this stuff to do. Dave's gone for the week to theta chi for the end of their pledging so I have the room to myself. Its nice. Hmm what else. Oh I remember I wanted to put up a little advice here from a email I got. It is one of those keys to life from the dalai lama things. Well here's what it had in it.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
• Respect for self,
• Respect for other's and
• Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a
wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for
your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the
current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your
love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
I personally like the last one… for the cooking (-: well I guess for both, it's just how I operate. In other things, my nephew Dylan has gotten huge! My sister says he is in the 97 th percentile for his age. This translates into he wears stuff for 15 month olds and he is not even 11 months yet. (okay that really doesn't sound that impressive but when you see him, leave for a month and then see him again its remarkable how much he grows… I don't think he's scared of me anymore either. Before he always cried when I was around (for those of you who know me this probably isn't a surprise(-:), now we play together, well, sort of I guess. Today in Calc II we did some rocket science. (Okay, well, it wasn't, that complicated but we did go into the math that is used in the guidance computers to steer rocket ships and the different vectors that apply to where the thrust goes and how they relate to the overall path)(okay, that sounded less complicated in my head.) So that sparked my imagination to work for these last few weeks of the semester, okay maybe not, I just gotta get through the last of this work then it's a month off, that will be sweet. Despite the work its still nice to be back here and to see everybody. I bought a nice watch with my grandmother's gift(She goes to Florida for winter so she gives us our gifts at Thanksgiving) to me. I purchased a Seiko chronograph so that should be coming in a few days. I'm pretty pumped because I like watches and this one is a real eye catcher. (so sue me, I like nice things!) Another thing that happened recently is I instant messaged with this girl, Sara, whom I dated when I was a freshman back in high school. It was one of those weird relationships; she was a senior and I didn't have a clue and well you get the idea. I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. We didn't really say much but it was a ‘blast from the past'. She was always interesting so hopefully Ill talk to her soon. Also I'd just like to say that I did basic rocket science today hehe, yeah that's what the big bucks are for. Anyway, I just finished some work so now I'm out. Peace and love!
Nov ember 21, 2004 – 5:10 PM – Troy , NY – My room – Ahh… Sunday (-: it's a peaceful day here after a fun night. We hung out in the dorm and had a good evening. If I instant messaged you (heather, nick I believe you were the unlucky victims last night…) I apologize and hope I was humorous for you. But anyway so yeah we were up and it was alright though at one moment I realized I was partying with all guys, two of which were gay. Then girls came so it was good. I guess its not as bad here as I make it out to be. Today was Meagan's (a girl I know through the people I live with) birthday, so some people threw a party. The best part was that the cake was adorned with stick figures in various sexual acts; it was good clean fun, okay well it wasn't clean but it was fun. And then the whole party went to the dining hall to eat because as they say, “Free food tastes better.” Other than that today all I did was work out and do homework. Oh! I had a rude awakening today. It was perhaps the most fear I have ever felt. I was drunk in my dream and trying to put a move on this girl and she was upset and not giving me any response then I asked if she was okay. She turned and hands me a baby. I jumped up and cranked my head on the top bunk! It was one of those things where in the dream you know it's yours. But I still don't understand why I was that scared; it was more than just wow you got a girl pregnant and se had the baby and you didn't know, it was fear in the dream. Unfortunately, I cannot remember who the girl was in the dream. Then again, its just a dumb dream…or nightmare…note to self don't get a girl pregnant (especially one who would have the kid and not ever tell you anything). Alright well enough of that. ‘In other news', I put up the other rope lights in my room so its more festive. Oh I bought a candle too. About that: does anyone have comments on Yankee Candle's ‘midsummer's night' scent? I think it smells good but I've been getting mixed reviews. Either way it covers up the big football player smell that the room occasionally gets (-: I got my mom's Christmas gift yesterday too… the same thing I get her every year, but it's nice that way. If you want to know what I always give her ask me. Hmmm now I am at a loss… My roommate has been going crazy for theta chi lately. He's pledging up there and they have really had them going this weekend so I have pretty much had the room to myself except when he came back for 4 hours to get some sleep last night. So from seeing this I am pretty glad I didn't pledge. But now mike (swimmer, suitemate, cool guy that I get a long with from Maine ) who pledges and is now a brother at lambda chi alpha is trying to get us (us being all of church I) to pledge there so we shall see about that. Oh man another thing that killed today was a Baywatch marathon… do not even get me started lol but other than that today was good and I'm fairly glad to be coming home for a little bit the only thing I really need to do between now and when I come home is the gateway exam (read: the worst thing ever in the world) but I guess that pretty much it… peace and love.
November 17, 2004 – 8:31 PM – Troy , NY – CII (football study hall) – So today was test day. IEA (see below if this acronym means nothing to you) was surprisingly more difficult than I expected, hopefully I did alright. Either way I aced the other two tests so I am alright. Chem was nice; though I know I got some things wrong. No biggie… it was my best test in that course by far. Other than tat my day consisted of giving blood, end of year meeting for football, and donating cash to fight hunger (you had to know they wanted money lol). Before I get to all that stuff let me just say today I had the best calc class here at RPI today, it was one of those, “hey! I remember that I love math and physics” moments. Okay, you may not have had those but if you think about something you are passionate about and it comes back to you after you loose it for a while this is what it was. Yeah and this was from some vector valued equations – “mmm can you say very complex mechanics computations” (-:. Alright so that made today good besides the good Chemistry test. Ok more things that happened (as opposed to some abstract thought or philosophizing) after giving blood I passed out for about 45 seconds. I gave blood and it was real fast and I felt fine. I bounced up, walked over, sat down, had a juice box and a cookie. The next thing I know a guy is shaking me saying “Hey, Doug, hey, here you're back, come over here and they had me lay down. I felt fine afterwards; they said I was probably dehydrated and that I got up to quick. Needless to say, I got grief from my friends who were there. (This even conjured up memories of opening night of the music man for those of you that remember that.) Okay, on to something else, the end of year football meeting. Coach Joe King quote of the year: “You want to know why nobody cares about you, did you ever care about anybody? That hit close to home… He was talking about guys on the team, but it really applies to everything. It meant something to me especially because I'm historically one to feel lonely, disconnected, and ‘unloved'. This plays into what I was saying previously about being a loner. (Let's just take a time out to appreciate introspection…lol) So as Coach continued I thought about whom I have cared for and the other things. It really hasn't been much. Lennon said the love you take is equal to the love you make, same idea… I'm guessing these people are on to something so I should really try it - caring about and loving people that is. I know to most of you that probably sounds ridiculous but it's a change in my mentality. I have always been more mechanical, cut and dry, using economic principles to decide what's the best move in a relationship…maybe this isn't the best methodology. (Granted using cost/benefit analysis has served me well many times) In the end I suppose it's a balance of the logical and the ‘organic' as far as how we act and live and love. I sure haven't found the happy medium yet, but here's to trying. Peace and love…
Novemb er 16, 2004 – 7:58 PM - Troy , NY (back in my room) – Well Tuesday's gone (Is that Skynyrd I hear?). Everything else went well today. I even feel like I am ready for my Chemistry test tomorrow. Note: I still hate chemistry with an intense passion. So besides that there's not much to life here. A funny thing that happened to me today- I was in a friends room and I saw a box that was mailed and I was expecting cookies or the like inside and I say, “Hey! Mommy send you some new underwear?” and no sooner did my friend respond, “That's my roommate's…” when I opened it and revealed probably the most impressive glass bong I have ever seen. Well, when it happened it was hilarious. What else can I write about today? I will be honest, I was expecting to be struggling with Chem right now, not writing on here, so I don't have anything in my head to talk about. Oh, I know, today I got asked to fight world hunger by fasting tomorrow from 10am - 8pm. I think I might do it, though I fail to see how I not eating here will help fight hunger… I mean I'm a big guy and I eat a lot but it hardly contributes to depleting the third world's foodstuffs. I suppose it can't hurt, and it might possibly raise awareness (which again I don't know what raising awareness does… lol). I would just as gladly donate to amnesty or some other organization that provides humanitarian aid than not eat. Oh wait! I do do that. (-: But regardless I'll probably head down and check it out. In other news I head ‘Home' one week from today for thanksgiving break. I have somewhat mixed feelings about that. On one hand I am excited to see my friend's and family but I fear it will be similar to last time, when I went home during the bye week. That weekend was alright but it left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. On one hand I saw my friends from there and some that came home that weekend, I saw a great football win, and had a good time at the homecoming dance (by the way Amanda thanks, I really had a good time despite what you might have thought, sorry I couldn't have been a better date for you), but I also had a cold feeling of not belonging not only in the geographic location but with those people and with my family. Not to mention some conflicting feelings for people (but at least that's resolved now). I guess the only reason why these feelings were so unnerving is because I wasn't and still am not completely comfortable here. I like it here but I still don't have a niche. Hopefully with the holiday and a bit more time my trip home will be better. I am looking forward to some athletics with my surrogate families; that would be football with the Borons and Tennis with the Endres. That topic of not having a niche here leads to the other problem which I share with many other guys here at ‘good old' RPI: no girls. When you apply here you convince yourself, ‘Oh, there is still girls and plus there's Russell Sage College , SUNY Albany, and even Sienna nearby. I have yet to do any more than have a brief introduction to girls from any of the aforementioned schools (excluding RPI obviously, I'm not that pathetic). Even my connection at Russell Sage hasn't hooked me or my buddies up yet (co'mon Allie!!! lol).But in all seriousness this.. um .. I guess the word ‘hardship' will have to do, has actually taught me some things. It has solidified the fact that we (or at least I) need others to not be miserable. I mean a connection to someone that will listen to you and talk to you about things of consequence is perhaps one of the most wonderful things. I guess I didn't realize this until now. Whether this was because I lost it or just now realize I lacked it is unclear. I feel somewhat stupid saying this too. It seems so sensible and obvious, but for those who know me, I am a stubborn self-reliant bastard who says he needs nothing and no one. Or rather, that's what I used to say. So now with that said I am out to find someone here I can relate to on that level… so I'll get back to you on that and on the girl front. (They may be connected and they may not, we shall see in time I guess) that's all for today. I'll probably be playing catch up on things for a few entries so just deal with it (-: Otherwise, have a good one, value the ones you care about, try not to aggravate people with your stupidity or intelligence (I do all the time and it sucks (with the former of the two )), and live a little, you might die tomorrow. Peace and love.
11:05 AM – Troy , NY (in class) – Ah… Tuesday, for those that are interested, this is what today has on the agenda: 9 am – end of year meeting with coach Pasquale DelMonaco, 11 am – Calculus II recitation, noon – Into to Engineering Analysis, 4 pm- swimming in 87 gym pool, 5 pm- studying with Meghan in the union, then Chemistry and IEA supplemental instruction ‘till night time. So today is not a lot of class but still a busy day. (I suppose this is how it is when you have two exams on Wednesday.) So by looking at my time stamp, its easy to see I already had my meeting with coach. For those of you that might no know this I play football here at RPI and this year was a bit downhill for me personally. The year started out with me being really excited to play and then finished with me not sure if I even want to keep playing. Why do I feel this way? That is the million dollar question. (Random thought: Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I wish I would have eaten my Wheaties today.”? ) I guess I am going to stay with the team at least for the off season workouts. Although, those don't start for two weeks and one thing I've learned in life is that a lot can change in a couple weeks; hell, everything can change in a couple weeks. It isn't even that football is that hard, I mean it is hard, but it's not beyond hard. It just takes of so much of your time and capacity, it seems like it is your whole life. Not to mention getting yelled at all the time and constant fear of injury from a malicious opponent. So I have two weeks off so ill just do that and worry about this later.
Novem ber 15, 2004 – 12:35 AM – Troy , NY – I have decided to resume writing on this crazy site. Why? I think I have because it serves as an outlet for my feelings which, as some of you may know, I don't always express. Also, I think it is a good way to keep writing. This is important due to the fact that my current studies do not require much writing. Since this is one of my reasons for resuming this site I will try to minimize the ‘typos' that so often plagued this page in the past (see below).Another reason may be that I recently vented my opinions on a friend. She was insulted (I guess rightfully so) and this caused her to be upset with me, and opened a can of worms with someone else which in turn caused me to evaluate myself as a man and as a person. I spent some of today thinking about how am I good and how am I bad. I analyze myself all the time, probably too much. But usually it is in the more objective realm. I scored well on a test or something I said was funny because the people I was with laughed or it wasn't because they looked at me and said “that's the worst joke ever.”So thinking about this was hard, very hard. That is all I have to say about that right now, maybe I will come back to that topic later, it's loaded. To return to the reintroduction of the site: I am now in college at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute . (I think, at least for a while, some of what I write will pertain to the complications of leaving a place for someplace new. I have had some of those.)But it is getting late and I have chemistry principles for engineers tomorrow at 9 am. I will end this entry now and write something tomorrow. As always comments are appreciated (if anything just to know that someone is reading) and for all you who have never been here before of some of you that have I would check out the back entries I found them to be very amusing. Goodnight, peace and love.