This bible was written in the year 1983 by the Gwydions, a group from Wales familiar with the mysteries of the Loud One and the Polyester God. Penn and Teller once had two lackeys, Taryn Dylan Beckett (Beck) and Shiloh Kristine Callaway (Call). Beck and Call worked to translate and transcribe this ancient bible, penned by the Gwydions (Gods of Magic). In the original manuscript, Penn was called Phineas (Loud Mouth) and Teller was Gwydion (God of Magic). This is Genesis.
Chapter 1
1. In the beginning, Penn created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void. Darkness was everywhere and the spirit of the Loud One moved upon the face of the deep...
2. Penn said "Let there be light" and Teller dyed his hair orange...
3. Penn saw that it was not good. "I said 'let there be light' not 'let hair be bright', Teller."
4. Teller switched to Sprint PCS and turned on the light.
5. Penn said that it was all good.
6. Penn separated the light from the darkness. He called the light Day and the darkness he called The Space Between Teller's Ears. After consulting with Colin and Krasher and assorted other people, he renamed it Night.
7. And there were evening and morning: the first day.
8. Teller said "Let there be a sky between in the midst of the waters and let it divide the waters from the waters." Then Teller made the sky and he separated the waters above from the waters below.
9. Teller called the sky, well, the Sky. And there were evening and morning: the second day.
10. Penn said "Man, where's the Big Bang when you need it? I mean, let the waters under the sky be gathered together in one place, and let the dry land appear."
11. And Teller had to use a bucket to carry the water, which took a while, but it was so. Penn called the dry land Earth, and the waters he called Seas. And he said:
12. "Let the earth bring forth grass, and yield plants bearing seeds 		and trees bearing fruit."
13. Teller said, "Um, poppies and marijuana too? I see trouble ahead..."
14. "Yeah, well, we need someone to pick on." So the seeds were planted and Penn saw it was all good.
15. This was the third day, I think a Wednesday.
16. Teller said "Okay, we need a Sun, some Stars, a Moon and basically, the moon and stars can be seen at Night, and the Sun during the day. Colin, can you do that?"
17. Colin answered the affirmative and made it happen. He got a pay raise. Teller saw that it was all right.
18. There was evening and morning: Thursday.
19. On Friday and Saturday, Penn said "I think I'm going to make animals."
20. So he dumped a box of animal crackers on the ground and they became birds that fly, fish that swim and animals that walk.
21. It took two days because he needed to make a few trips to the Acme for animal crackers.
22. Then he made men and women in his and Uma Thurman's images. Not everything can be perfect.
23. He told them to be fruitful and multiply, because Man had not yet learned Division.
24. He saw everything he made and saw that it was all good.
Chapter 2
1. On Sunday, Penn and Teller rested because their work was done. they blessed this day and set it aside for football games.
2. And this is the "truth" behind how the Earth was created.
3. Later on in the epic, Adam and Eve were created. These two were commissioned to name the plants and animals.
4. Summary: Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and they were evicted from the Garden of Eden (with all the knowledge they had, they "didn't know" they had to pay rent).
5. The serpent became the first politician.
6. Adam and Eve had the twins, Cain and Abel.
7. Cain was mad because Penn and Teller liked Abel more. What can we say? Cain was a lame ass.
8. He killed Abel and Penn told Cain to beat it.
9. Adam and Eve had another kid, Seth. There was a lot of "A and B beget C-Q" and then came Noah.
10. Penn and Teller liked Noah best of all the men of the Earth.
11. Noah had three sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth, who was called Jeff.
12. Penn and Teller got tired of watching all of the violence on CNN and decided to flood the Earth.
13. "Hey, look, Noah, we're going to flood the Earth, okay? Now, we like you, so build a boat based on these blueprints.
14. When it starts to rain, get on the boat with your family and a male and female of all the animals on earth, oh and all 		this food, okay?
15. It'll rain for 40 days so we decided that you should live and create the first cruise line at the same time."
16. So Noah did what Penn and Teller said.
17. While he was at CVS buying Dramamine, his friend's laughed at him.
18. Noah was getting sick and tired of his friends telling him the nearest sea was 2000 miles away so he bought them all swimming trunks.
19. When it started raining, Shem, Ham, Jeff, Noah and their wives got on the boat and waited.
20. At the end of forty days, they played shuffleboard while they waited for land.
21. The cruise line became known as White Star cruises.
22. Noah released a dove who brought back an olive branch and then took his girlfriend and left.
23. When the waters receded, Noah decided not to live in North Dakota anymore.
24. After calculating the flood damage, Noah offered a sacrifice for Penn and Teller and everyone had a nice barbecue.
25. There was a rainbow and Penn said it was a contract.
26. He shared a secret laugh with Teller.
Chapter 3
1. Later on, using the tower of Babel as an excuse, they played one of the biggest jokes of all time.
2. Teller got the brilliant idea of making several different languages so men could not understand each other.
3. "Now, New York can have cab drivers and someone to run inconvenience stores."