This section of the Mofoan Times is now dedicated to movie reviews by our Screen Queen, Igor Teslar.
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Igor's Reel Opinion!

Igor's Movie Review! Today is "Clash of the Titans"

Starring Harry Hamlin, Judi Bowker, Maggie Smith, Ursula Andress, Neil McCarthy and Laurence Olivier

Far be it from the gods to actually have reasoning in their designs woven throughout jealous traits and vanity flaws, but for some reason, a hero is born and comes to greatness via the bumblings of sea-worthy coffins, decent amphitheater living conditions and extravagant gifts. The hero spies the princess Andromeda (Bowker) sleeping, before her dreaming soul wanders into a cage that's flown by a giant buzzard.

Perseus (Hamlin) is the son of Zeus and in love. While he claims the right as Andromeda's future betrothed due to answering a riddle correctly and Zeus (Olivier) having punished Calibos (McCarthy), which of course has Thetis (Smith) vexed to no end. Calibos being Thetis's son and Andromeda's former lover and dropped like a hot potato when he was deformed. His mother then dropped her marbled statue's head upon the wedding proceedings of Andromeda and Perseus. Now Perseus must undergo a gruelling adventure of lurking in witch's cave-like shrines, isles of the dead and a host of creatures that either threaten or squeak persistently at him. He has the aid of a timid flying horse named Pegasus. The goddess Aphrodite (Andress) has very little to say but has somehow fixed this whole thing to work out by way of a stone-rendering spell that she came up with to make Medusa what Medusa was.

The sparse army which accompanies Perseus, does fine in battle but still end up dead when there's a surprise around every corner. Medusa's head survived a lot longer in the plot than Medusa as a whole, did. Delivering a killing blow to an ancient sea-monster.

This has been Igor's Movie Review. In my mind's eye I see a headache.

Previous Reviews

"Pirates of the Caribbean"

Starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom

A pirate's lot was not an easy one although they seemed to never be spotted so easily in this plot despite the jewelry, clothing and dreadlocks. Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) came ashore and parked his vessel under the dock. Literally in about ten feet of water due to a leak. The governor's daughter, Elizabeth Swann (Knightley) is taken aboard the Black Pearl and Will Turner (Bloom) sets out to save her because one; she was previously saved from drowning in a heavy and tight dress by Jack Sparrow and two; because he was quite sure that pirates like Jack Sparrow needed to be taught a lesson. Will finds himself aiding and abetting piracy to its fullest when he and Jack steal (or borrow) a ship right out from under the British Navy. But it doesn't stop there. Aye, Elizabeth is tossed around on everything but a dead man's chest. Barbossa (Rush) and his crew walk around in the moonlight that reveals their bones as part of their curse as the living dead, while still holding down relatively good sailing techniques.

As the lot of them set sail for an island that has great treasure, they are either the sacrificers or the sacrificees. Either way, the crew of the Black Pearl are acting hopeless, the new crew assembled by Captain Jack are acting strange and the crew of the British Navy are acting quite determined to kill everyone and give pirates a run for their booty. Jack gets stranded again, after we hear about his being stranded when mutiny claimed his ship. Will gets kidnapped. Elizabeth tries to, and successfully ruins the plot for an immediate cure to the Black Pearl's curse, the drunken plot of Jack by setting his rum stash ablaze and dodges much death and injury owning to the fact that she is, of course, a woman.

Things get rowdy and the famed Captain Jack Sparrow regains his long lost ship and still enjoys an apple that Barbossa seemed obsessed with while being dead. Will makes a life-long friend in Jack and a pirate's life is the only life for them. Savvy?

This has been Igor's Movie Review. Start believing in swashbucklers.

"Penn And Teller Get Killed"

Starring Penn Jillette and Teller.

Despite the sauve and calm stalker and the all-too-willing practical joke playing Uncle of Penn's girlfriend, these two hysterical magicians still find ways to deeply disturb each other. In this film, bordering Noir and Mystic quality, the showmen do their damnest to stay alert, stop all round boredom and thrill themselves by planting fake bullets into mirrors, bribing innocent bystanders to run away from a supposed murder attempt and causing really bad feelings with an underground psychic-healing cult!

If you can't seem to understand the REAL pressures of showbiz and life on the road, take a look at this beautifully crafted journey into paranoia, panic attacks and drinking WAY TOO MUCH...cola!

This has been Igor's Movie Review. They hate magic, go figure.

"Invisible Thread"

Starring Penn Jillette, Teller, Dick Cavett, James Randi, G. Gordon Liddy and Andy Warhol

It was a peaceful, quiet afternoon and Penn was working at his and Teller's Magic Shop selling tricks, doing tricks, making up tricks, selling soda and calling the booking agents. Then the next thing you know, Feds come through the door, look at them strange, pull out a badge, speak in esoteric jargon and drag them off to a waiting room where sooner or later, they will be questioned about something that neither one of them knows what the hell it is.

They make good use of their time, spilling coffee, ordering food they like, stealing various office supplies, replacing boring items with their business cards, planting their business cards on unsuspecting victims who've also been tracked down by the Feds and are waiting in that same room.

They perform card tricks and other various spectacles. Andy Warhol quietly endures, Dick Cavett seems tense and James Randi is just dealing with it. Finally they are led by the Feds into a large hanger where an alien being shaped like an ice-box is threatening Earth. What can possibly save them now? Teller must insist by means of the Invisible Thread and a bullhorn!

This has been Igor's Movie Review! Was that your card?

"Logan's Run"

Starring Michael York, Jenny Agutter and the late Richard Jordan (I)

You see the future! The domed city, or I guess I should say the doomed city where by the time you reach the age of 30, you must undergo the ritual of Carousell. Usually this wouldn't be such a bummer except that it does kill you.

First you're loaded onto a spinning platform, it goes slow enough at first, but by the time it's over you're flying around! Gracefully for some reason, but still you're basically helpless until you're blown up. But before you die, you're wearing a really snazzy Spandex outfit, white with an artistic red flame design and a hockey mask, complete with a white loose hood to give the "skull" effect to your new threads.

In the city somewhere, there's a bunch of 'cubs' who make a sport of harming Sandmen (Gastapo-type policemen of this film), there's a hidden chamber where 'runners' have hidden themselves from Carousell and collected quite a nice assortment of steamy spear-like weapons that get shoved into your face if you're bringing runaway Sandmen in with you. There seems to be alot of malls, arcades and love-shops! There also seems to be an absolute absence of Rock and Roll bands and Disco. Which is strange considering the stylish clothing of the citizens! It's really no wonder that this place is standing on its last legs. A computer does all the thinking and it's kind of a stupid, retarded computer that can only say something like 'Does not compute' and if it doesn't compute, then it needs to re-think, at least, the Spandex death program!

This has been Igor's Movie Review! There is no sanctuary.