Prologue: {Chorus enters . The tall one (Finn) sings while the short one (Keller) plays the harmonica.}

"William Shakespeare Drama Show"

Our friend Romeo was under the weather
But Benvolio thought he'd get better
And he told us that he was lovesick.
And Mercutio was there
With little time to spare.
Roselyn was the one Romeo loved.
But then something went wrong
For our friends Rome and Ros
They were caught in a poetry jam.
Then after a minute
he shunned the world and all the people in it.
And this is how the playbill ran:

(Chorus)
William Shakespeare
Drama Show
William S. will write a feature
See Montiques fighting
With the Capulets.
Queen Mab stars in a pointless speech.
At the William Shakespeare Drama Show

I knew Paris the valiant
Was real deep in it
When he asked to make a wife of Juliet.
But had it been not
For that great Capulet Scott
This stupid feud would never have begun.
The wrath of the Montiques proves
There are set rules for love and war after all.
soon famalies will collide
as young Romeo searches for a bride
at the...

(Chorus 2x)

{Lights go up to reveal Scene One.}

Act I
Scene I- Morning

On the streets of England
{Benvolio and the Chorus are talking on the street}

Finn- (finishing a story) So Keller and I are hangin' out in front of this clinic, right? We been waitin' a real long time for just the right one. We sat there through rain and snow, and there was this dog that... (Keller signals for him to stop digressing and get to the point) Oh, right. Anyway, this fine chick leaves and goes to her car. Now this honey is top shelf and I think this will be our lucky night. All of a sudden, these three angry dwarfs on roller blades come out and try to waste her, so we bust in and go medieval on those little "Mighty Duck Punks" .
{Keller nods and smiles in agreement as Romeo walks by-obviously very intoxicated.}

Benvolio- (mocking Romeo) Romeo and Roslyn sitting in a tree, k-i-s (Finn slaps him.) What?! They're going out. (Keller indicates the negative.) They're not going out? (Keller shushes him.)

Finn- Ask him yourself.

Benvolio- Good morning Romeo. {Romeo turns around and notices his friends for the first time.} How faireth thou?

Romeo- Utterly like crap.

Benvolio- What, O my brother, injures your spirit?

Romeo- Roselyn.

Benvolio- Roselyn who?

Romeo- Roselyn McGuffin. The one who broke my heart. Oh, my brother, my one and only love cares not a bit for me.

Benvolio- Oh her. Romeo you poor misguided soul. There are other fish in the sea. Heck, last I counted there were 133,756,329,644 of them. So buck up!

Romeo- Possibly tales of your travels will revive me from my misery. How was your trip?

Benvolio- Wonderful.

Romeo- Have you made any conquests recently?

Benvolio- Yeah. Just the other night in fact. This chick had really big...

Romeo- (cutting him off) I didn't mean that kind of conquest.

{A servant stumbles to them}
Servant- Dear sirs, can either of you read?

Romeo- Why, of course. {Snatches note from him} uh oh (struggles with the word) This is a toughie (struggles some more) uh I. I! That's it! "I would like, if I may, to invite you to the annual Capulet party this evening. Bring your CDs. I don't care what. I don't care how you dress, as long as you have clothes on. Don't want a repeat of last year. Tracie and Shawn this means you! RSVP to my servant."

Benvolio-(Speaking very flatly as if he is aware of the cliche about to pass through his lips) Gee, you really have to wonder how this is going to pay off later. (aside) Pretty convenient don't you think?
{Rubs his hands together and sports an evil grin. Exeunt all except Chorus.}

________________________________________________

Chorus- By a seemingly extraordinary coincidence - less extraordinary then it really seems - Romeo loses his one and only love and has a chance at meeting someone new within the same two days. Will his shattered heart be mended? Or is he destined to die a broken and depressed man? {They step to the side DR as the scene opens.}

Scene II
Lady Capulet's Room

{Lady Capulet calls for Juliet. She walks up silently behind her mother}
Lady Capulet- Juliet! Juliet! (jumps) Ahhhhhhhh!

Juliet- Sorry Mother.

Lady Capulet-I need to speak with you privately. {Excuses nurse (with moderate difficulty) and closes door} I want to talk to you about Paris.

Juliet- Oh I hear it's lovely this time of year.

Lady Capulet- No I mean Lord Paris. He wishes to have your hand in marriage. Isn't that exciting! All that money! Wow!

Juliet- I don't know if I want to get married. (thoughtfully) I could never marry a man unless I knew him well and he had devoted his entire existence to my happiness. (beat) Or if he had promised to love me forever and ever (beat) or if he were really, really cute. Is he cute?

Lady Capulet- I don't know, the nurse says he's rather waxy. She says he carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval. He'll be at the party tonight if you want to check.

Juliet- Okay. You say he wants my hand. But wouldn't he like to have the rest of me as well? A hand is after all such a small thing.

Lady Capulet- I believe he wants all of you. I will have to ask to be sure.
{Lady Capulet opens the door to exit, and the nurse (Who was eves dropping on the other side) falls into the room. Exeunt.}

Scene III
Outside the Capulet residence.

{Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio stand outside looking at their masks.}
Romeo- Mercutio, is this the best you could do?

Mercutio- Hey, the store was closed. I had to offer the guy double what they were worth and pay him an extra hundred on top of that! Just because I woke him up. He kept complaining. {Romeo attempts to get a word in.} He was really weird. He kept talking about how he was tired of his God and customer forsaken store, and...

Romeo- (cutting in) Peace! Peace! Brother Mercutio. You talk too much!

Mercutio-(disgusted) Now look at these disguises.

{Romeo looks at his long nosed mask}
Romeo- Come on! This mask looks like Jimmy Durante.

Benvolio- Yeah! And this clown mask looks like Bozo on crack.

Mercutio-Actually, when you are on crack, Bozo looks more like...(Benvolio stomps on his foot. Mercutio hops around in pain.)

Romeo- Now Benvolio, are you sure this is a good idea?

Benvolio- Can I be Frank?

Romeo- Can I still be Romeo?

Benvolio- Yes! To the issue at hand, sneaking into this party is actually the stupidest thing we could do. If we are caught, we may well be killed.

Romeo- (nervous) Killed?

Benvolio- No, not just killed. Tortured in fact.

Romeo- Tortured?

Benvolio- Oh yeah. They'll play Pin-Pong with our balls. And then they'll shove live snakes up our...

Romeo-(interrupting) Then why are we doing this?

Benvolio- It's part of the plan. You must!

Romeo- What plan?

Benvolio- (trying to avoid it) Oh, crap. Um.... never mind.

Romeo- I'm just so nervous. Last night I had this dream. It was horrid! I saw myself taking poison!

Finn- (sarcastically From DR) Thanks a lot Tieresius.

Mercutio- What did you say about dreams? Why, I myself had a dream last night. It was about the wonderful Queen Mab. You see she's this little fairy...

Romeo- (interrupting) Mercutio! Shut up! No one here has any desire to hear about your LSD delusions. You talk way too much!

Mercutio- I best be off before I see my death by your hands.
{Mercutio walks away. Benvolio and Romeo don their masks.}

Benvolio- Now remember, whatever we do, we must keep our identities secret.

{Light DL on Chorus.}

Scene IV
At the party

{The party looks like a modern one (except for the dress, which is still Elizabethan) complete with rock music and flashing lights. The rest of the cast play the partygoers. MUSIC: 'Ballroom Blitz' as performed by Crucial Taunt. Throughout the course of the song the partygoers dance. I want this to be a big well-choreographed dance scene. When the song is over everyone settles to listen to the DJ's comments. }

DJ- Everyone enter. Enter! Dance like you have never danced before!

{People cheer. Romeo and Benvolio enter. People boo.}
DJ- Let's not forget to welcome our mortal enemies from the Montique clan who have decided to crash the party!

Romeo- So much for that. Let's mingle before we are killed.

{They disperse into the crowd. Tybalt looks outraged. He consults the head of the household.}
Tybalt- Sir Capulet, those two are traitors from the Montique house. They are our sworn enemies and they must be stopped!

Sir Capulet- Nonsense young Tybalt. Enjoy the party.

Tybalt- But Sir, those men are traitors and our sworn enemies.

{Chorus walks in.}

Sir Capulet-Have you forgotten the plan?

Chorus-*cough* foreshadowing.*cough*
{Keller hands him the script.}

Tybalt- (riffling through the script)Oh the plan!(Finally getting it) I didn't realize this was part of it. My sincerest apologies.

Finn- (yelling) Yes you twit! Why do you think they were allowed in?

Tybalt- Calm down, Jeez! When shall I prepare for my big scene?

Finn- Tomorrow! Read your script, you moron! (Keller tries to calm him.)

Tybalt- (to Chorus) Alright, Jeez. Just stop being so pushy.

Finn- (calming down) Sorry man. It's just that I've got so much stress what with me having to be an actor and a narrator. {Keller shows sympathy and takes back his script.}

Tybalt- Why do they call you the chorus anyway? You are just two guys.

Finn- You know, I honestly don't know. I don't know why they do anything in this Shakespeare stuff like that iambic pendulum or iambic pantomime or whatever the hell you call it.
{All shrug. The chorus walks back to their spot. Cross fade over to Romeo.}

Scene V
The party

{We focus on Romeo (who has already ditched his mask) and a young servant. Romeo is reading a magazine and a bunch of ad cards falls out. He looks up, sees Juliet and drops the magazine. The servant (remember him?) is picking the cards up.}

Romeo- (stopping the servant) Who is that?

Servant- I don't know nothin'.

Romeo- Ha! That is a double negative. Double negatives count each other out. That means you really do know something!

Servant- (confused)What? I don't know anything. It isn't my job to know anything. I'm not the chamber of commerce here!

{Romeo slips him ten dollars.}

Romeo- I have ten dollars that say you do.

Servant- Really? (Takes the money and puts it up to his ear) Well they lied.

{Romeo impatiently hands him ten more dollars.}

Servant-(looking around as if he is afraid of getting caught) Okay, I do know that her name is Juliet and she is the daughter of Lady Capulet. A beautiful bird she is. I know nothing else.

Romeo- Sure?

Servant- Positive.

{Romeo rolls his eyes and hands him twenty more dollars.}

Servant- It's all coming back to me now. She is soon set to marry Paris.

Romeo- (oblivious) She's going to Paris? Oh, how nice. Family vacation?

Servant- No, she's not going to Paris, she's marring Paris.

Romeo- (confused) How's she gonna marry a city?

Servant- (yelling) SHE'S MARRING A COUNT NAMED PARIS!

Romeo- (getting it) That's quite different. Good day.

{Romeo walks up to Juliet.}

Romeo- Hey, Juliet.

Juliet- Yes?

Romeo- (very nervous) Would you, if you don't mind, I mean, Uh.......If you are not too busy I would like to...uh...well...

Juliet- Are you trying to ask me to dance?

Romeo- Well, if you want to yeah.

Juliet- (aside) They're so cute when they're shy. Hey DJ, fire up the stereo!

DJ- Okay baby, I'll tone the tunes for ya'.

{MUSIC: 'Bathwater' by No Doubt. Everyone dances happily to the music. When the song ends, dim out and exaunt.)

___________________________________________________________________

{Finn yaps while Keller pulls at his sleeve trying to get his attention.}

Finn- Dear audience, the next scene is of the utmost importance. You must give it your full attention...(distracted by his partner) Not now Keller. Now as I was saying...{Keller persists} What?

{Keller pulls out a deck of cards.}

Finn-(impatiently) What have you got?

{Keller does a series of simple tricks with the cards. (Pulling them out of thin air and his mouth, making a card levitate to the top of the deck, etc.) Finn pulls a dollar bill out of the air.}

Finn- Not too bad.

{Keller accepts the compliment and the tip.}

Finn- Now what was I saying? Oh, screw it.

Scene VI
Outside Juliet's window

{Juliet stands on the balcony}

Juliet- (to herself) Oh, good lord I'm tired! Shooting the bull with all those generals really is draining! Oh, well. At least I met a cute guy today. I wonder where he is now.
{She waits...nothing happens.}
I said I WONDER WHERE HE IS NOW!

{The stage manager drags Romeo by the ear to the stage below the balcony. He has a cup of coffee in one hand. The stage manger exits. Juliet snatches the coffee from Romeo's hand and tosses it off left. Loud screams are heard from the wings.}

Romeo- (calling backstage) Sorry.

{Screaming stops.}

Juliet- Oh Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo.

Romeo- I'm right here. Why do you have to ask?

Juliet- (annoyed) It means "Why are you called Romeo?" not "Where are you?" (composes herself and then sweetly says...) Oh Romeo the castle walls are so high. (aside)We had them electrified to keep the witnesses out. (to Romeo) How did you gain entry?

Romeo- I slipped the guard twenty dollars. Between him and your servants, I shall soon go broke.

Juliet- That is so sweet! No one has ever been willing to go broke for me before.

Romeo- Well have no fear, I still have plenty of money left.

Juliet- Not when I'm through with you. {Devilish smile.}

Romeo- My father is the rich Sir Montique.

Juliet- Oh my lord! You are a Montique!

Romeo- Oh Juliet! I love you, but our parents would kill us if we were caught together. Run away with me!

{He climbs the balcony (with considerable difficulty) and starts to kiss her. She pushes him from her.}

Juliet- Cool your jets boy. We just met. If your love is true, and your purpose be marriage, send word with your wedding plans tomorrow at noon.

{Romeo kisses her heavily. Keller exits and re-enters to the chorus spot carrying a dictionary.}

Juliet- Hey! I would do anything for love, but I won't do that!

Romeo-(sighing) Nah, crap. I will send word tomorrow. I promise!

{Keller looks up a word.}

Juliet- You better not be just blowing smoke up my skirt. Now get out of here before you get caught.

{Romeo Exits.}

Juliet- (to herself) So much emotion, can it all be true? Or is it a good performance by a gifted actor? {Exaunt. DR light on Chorus.}

__________________________

Chorus- (Keller holds open a dictionary as Finn reads the definition.) Emotion: a state of feeling experienced as a strong sociological change. It is a powerful master of our actions. (Keller closes the book and takes it backstage.) Some say life is an illusion, and those quacks are very safe. While others must face the pressures of life and love. (Keller enters sans dictionary.) Is this the story of love so strong that no feud or argument could break it, or is it the feud itself that caused these two to fall in love? (Keller shrugs.)

Scene VII
The Capulet's home- the next morning

{Lady Capulet stands among many of the party guests (who are passed out in the floor) as Juliet walks in.}

Juliet- I must talk with you. I have to settle something.

Lady Capulet- Just a minute. I have to get those alkies woken up and the hell out of my house. {Poking one in the arm with a stick} Hey Juicehead! Wake up. It's time to get your Blitzed butt up and out. Let's go! (Now she is yelling in his ear rather like a drill instructor) Go, go, go, go! {The drunk stirs}

Juliet- (annoyed) Mother this is important!

Lady Capulet- Not now! I have to get the schnockered scumbag home! (To the drunk) Let's go, Buzzy! I ain't got all day.

Juliet- It regards the Montiques! Now I really must speak with you.

Lady Capulet- How dare you speak that evil name in this house!

Juliet- Forget it! If you aren't too busy with those lubricated losers I need to speak with you. {Juliet kicks one of the drunks and storms off.}

Lady Capulet- I am going away now. I want each and every one of you bagged barbarians out by the time I get back or it's curtains for you!

Drunk- Could we opt for blinds instead? (Lady Capulet kicks him.)

___________________________________________________________________

{DR light on Chorus.}

Chorus- What is it that Juliet wanted to say to her mother? Certainly she did not intend to tell her she loved one of the Montaques. (Keller offers a shrug as if to say "maybe.") You think so? (Keller shrugs as if to say, "I don't know.") Oh what do you know? You still owe me twenty bucks over which poet Augustus would like better, Ovid or Virgil. C'mon, pay up Silent Bob. (Keller is visibly insulted. He rolls his eyes as he digs the money out of his pocket and hands it to him. Finn smiles and Keller gives him a "Let's get on with it" look.) Perhaps the answer will be found on Juliet's balcony.

Scene VIII
The balcony outside Juliet's room.

{A young man dressed in the height of modern day ghetto fashion hiding behind a bush as Juliet walks by.}

Juliet- (startled) Who are you!

{The young man gets up and gestures to her as though to be a secret agent.}

Young Man- The sun is shining.

Juliet-(not getting it) It certainly is.

Young Man-(a bit angered.) But the ice is slippery.

Juliet- (not understanding) What ice? There isn't any ice here.

Young Man- (looks around suspiciously before speaking) It will be a nice day if it doesn't rain.

Juliet- (still oblivious) You have a knack for the obvious.

Young Man- It's always a nice day if it doesn't rain.

Juliet-(really confused) Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious. I'll let you know when I need another update.

Young Man- (getting angry) The squirrel jumps over the tree.

Juliet-(angry) Yet another stunning report.

Young Man-(reaching) The pigs revolt.

Juliet- (confused) What?

Juliet- Is there a point to this?

{The young man looks defeated and begins to walk off when he freezes thanks to an idea.}

Young Man-(blurting it out) The Spotted Cuckoo Bird is flying backwards.

Juliet-(suddenly getting it) It's a cold day for pontooning. You were the contact Romeo was supposed to send!

Young Man-(relieved) Thank God, you finally got it! (aside) I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.

Juliet- I am Juliet. Now who are you?

Young Man- I am Word. I was sent to tell you of Romeo's wedding plans.

Juliet- Wedding plans? (pause as she thinks) So he really was serious!

Word- Romeo wants to sneak away with you. He has gotten a friend of his that is willing to marry the two of you. It must be done in secret. This very night.

Juliet- Who will be doing the wedding?

Word- Father Lawrence.

Juliet- But what of our parents?

Word- Father Lawrence has a plan. They won't know until the time is right.

Juliet- Oh no. Last time Father Lawrence had a plan I wound up in Vegas in a pair of fishnets and... Why am I telling you this?

Word- The father thinks that if you two wed, we can put a stop to the feud!

Juliet- Will it work?

Word- It will have to.

Juliet- But isn't this moving a bit fast? I just met him. But he is really cute...and I do love him...And I'm pretty bored...Got nothing else to do. Okay, this very night it is.

{Dim out. Curtain closes.}

End Act I