Scene IX
A street in England.
{Dim in. Mercutio and Romeo are goofing around as Tybalt walks by - very hung over.}
Mercutio- Hey Tybalt! A bit plastered from last night's festivities are we?
Tybalt- What do you know of last night's festivities?
Mercutio- It was a smashing party! I heard you and the help got pretty cozy. The maid says she's got pictures.
Tybalt- She said she wasn't going to tell anyone about this. You put her up to this didn't you? You villain!
Mercutio- This is our big scene. Would you care to end our differences with a friendly sword battle?
Tybalt- Maybe not with a friendly one, but a battle yes. Come take one in the yarbles, that is if you have any. From what I hear you do not.
Mercutio- Does your Mother tell you everything?
Tybalt- Oh no! You did not just make fun of my Mama! You want to take this outside?
Mercutio-(confused) Um...(indicates his surroundings) We are outside.
Tybalt- Well, then let's take it inside.
Finn- Why don't you just fight right here?
Mercutio & Tybalt- (together) Good idea.
{They draw swords and begin to fight.}
Mercutio- (in a low voice) We have an audience now, so lets make it good.
Tybalt- (saying an obviously rehearsed line)"Oh, villain, villain smiling damned villain!"
Mercutio- "Who calls me a villain, breaks my plate across, plucks off my beard and blows it in my face!"
Tybalt- "How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge. From this time forth my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead I will!"
{A frumpy woman in a business suit walks on stage. The two stop dueling.}
Tybalt- Who the hell are you?
Woman- I am the local censor.
Mercutio-Since when are there censors for the Theatre?
Woman- Since you people put such derogatory material on the stage. I am here to stop this parade of violence and vulgarity. Don't you know that violence in entertainment forces today's youth to commit terrible crimes?
Tybalt- What? No it doesn't.
Woman- Yes, it does. And where did you get such obscene dialog?
Tybalt- It was from Hamlet.
Mercutio- (amused) It was? I got it from The Addams Family .
Tybalt- The Addams Family ?
Mercutio- Yeah, remember that part where the kids are doing the play?
Tybalt- (remembering) Oh yeah, and they had all that blood and... (they both start laughing)
Woman- Excuse me! (they stop laughing.) Since you people obviously can't handle keeping things in good taste by yourselves, your government has to do it for you. Someone has to protect the children!
Mercutio- Forget the children man, I hear enough about them. Every goddamn day it's save the children, help the children, blah blah blah. You now what I say...
(Tybalt covers his mouth as he says "Fuck the children." It should be garbled enough so that everyone knows what it is, but no one can make it out fully.)
Censor- How dare you?
Tybalt- Shakespeare is pretty profane. How come that's allowed?
Woman- Because Shakespeare was a spectacular writer.
Mercutio- C'mon! He was long winded and just about every thing he wrote was about sex and pointless violence. How come he is considered so great? Sure, he had a great ear for verse, but his stories are extremely vulgar. Why do we turn the other cheek in the name of art with his plays, but condemn violence in all other forms of entertainment? (Everyone shrugs.) Can't we just get on with this?
Woman- You may continue your scene only if you can do it in a non-violent way.
{They first try "Rock, Paper, Scissors" but eventually give up on it because they each only do rock. Next they commence to a thumb war, and Mercutio dies spectacularly. MUSIC: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath. }
Romeo- Mercutio! NO! Brother Mercutio your death shall be avenged! My friend shall see his killer fall. An eye for an eye! One death for another.
Tybalt- (to Censor) Move aside red!
{Tybalt "accidentally" hits the censor on the head while taking a swing at Romeo (in classic Three Stooges style). She falls down and she's out cold. A few of the company enter and drags them off stage. Keller points and laughs.)
Company members carrying Mercutio- (chanting) His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson...(Romeo and Tybalt look at each other confused. As soon as the company has stepped into the wings the chanting stops. Romeo and Tybalt are confused by this.)
Romeo- Why did you kill him?
Tybalt- It was a mercy killing.
Romeo- No. It was a messy killing. You two were all over the place.
Tybalt- Now we are free to fight this out!
{They both cover their faces with one hand, and swing wildly with the other. (Missing by a mile) They continue to fight in bizarre ways until Romeo kicks Tybalt in the groin.}
Tybalt- OUCH! My area!
Romeo- That must really hurt.
Tybalt- It does!
Romeo- (liking this.) All right! {kicks him again.} Cool!
Tybalt- Stop this at once! If we are going to fight, we should do so like men!
{They both draw swords and battle. They fight rather well to the beat of the song. They each get cut a little. A cell phone starts to ring. Let it ring a few times to see how many people in the audience actually check theirs.}
Romeo- I thought cell phones weren't allowed in the theatre. (To the audience) Who brought a cell phone in here? Weren't you told to turn them off? What is wrong with you people?
Tybalt-(realizing) Oh, it's mine! Could you turn off the music? {Music stops. Romeo, Finn and Keller looked shocked.}
Romeo- You brought your cell phone on stage with you? How unprofessional! If the audience isn't allowed to have them, how come you do?
Tybalt- Shut up! (pulls out his phone and answers it.) Hello...Yes, it is a very bad time at the moment... well there is a play going on right now... no I'm not watching it, I'm in it! I've got to go... No... No, you can't talk to Romeo! Because I'm trying to kill him right now... yes...I'll call you back...okay bye. (hangs up and puts the phone away.) Sorry about that. Now, where were we?
{They resume the battle.}
Romeo-(pointing offstage) Look! A decoy!
{Tybalt looks. Romeo strikes his neck.}
Romeo- "A hit! A very palpable hit!" Now say a tender and quite goodbye to...all of this...
Tybalt- Goodbye all this.
Romeo- ...and hello to the cold and heartless oblivion.
Tybalt- Hey Oblivion, how are the wife and kids?
Romeo-(rolling his eyes) Moron.
Tybalt- (dropping to his knees.) "Oh proud death! What feast is tword in thine eternal cell? Sweet oblivion open your arms!" (He coughs twice.)
{Tybalt drops to the ground dead. The company return to get Tybalt's body. They chant as before.}
Romeo-(to the company) Knock it off! (They do.)
{Exeunt.}
___________________________________________________________________
Chorus- Crimes of emotion. These deaths were the result of the lack of thought, and a quick and angry hand. With this Romeo has been banished from his home for all time. So, Father Lawrence has agreed to marry our two protagonists the same night. Will the result of this hasty decision last? (Keller shakes his head.) Join us the morning after to see...
Scene X
Juliet's room
{Romeo awakens next to his new bride.}
Romeo- Hello darling. Did you sleep well?
Juliet- What the...? Oh...it's you.
Romeo- Who else would it be?
Juliet- I don't know. I'm not accustomed to waking up next to strange men!
Romeo- Strange? I'm your husband. I'm certainly no stranger!
Juliet- Well hell, I barely know you!
Romeo- You didn't act like a stranger to me last night! (She slaps him.) Well we didn't spend the whole night doing nothing.
Juliet- Close enough, between your video games and your snoring we might as well have done nothing.
Romeo- Maybe you would be more entertaining if you did something besides yawn all night.
Juliet- What do you expect? You didn't bother to do anything to keep me alert! What is going on here? I thought our love would be forever. {Romeo rolls his eyes and rubs his thumb and index finger together.} What is that?
Romeo- It is the world's smallest violin, and it is playing a very sad song just for you.
Juliet- I'll play you a sad song! (she backhands him.) What has gone wrong? You promised to love me until the end of time. If we are going like this after the first night, the next fifty years are really gonna suck.
Romeo- (realizing the magnitude of this) Fifty years?!
Juliet- That is until we die. The end of time is going to be a lot longer than that. {Romeo puts his hands out like a scale weighing each option.}
Romeo- I will never go back on my word. And I said if I was ever gonna get hitched I was only gonna do it once. But, that is a helluva long time. (He stops weighing.) I don't have to put up with this. {Romeo exits.}
Juliet- Go ahead and leave. Mother was right about you, you Schmuck!
Romeo- (from offstage) Schmuck?! You wench!
Juliet- Over actor!
Romeo-(From offstage) Jezebel!
{Cross fade to Chorus.}
Chorus- This raises an interesting question. Considering the fact that they can't even get along for one single evening, can it really be love? Was Juliet just a new face for Romeo to gravitate to after his "love" Roselyn departed? Are they meant for one another, or was it merely the wall in between them that made them fall for one another? If it weren't forbidden fruit, would it taste as sweet? And what of Romeo's absence? Will it fuel their passion for one another, or will calmer heads force them to think more clearly? With the Sword of Damocles hanging over his head, and the authorities a little bit too eager to cut the thread, Romeo went to the only place he could find sanctuary. Father Lawrence's cell.
Now give me in your minds a month. One whole month has passed since our two protagonists last spoke. Despite their good senses, the time apart has made their feelings for each other grow. Now in this time Juliet's parents have decided to end Juliet's courtship with Paris by having the two wed. Two days before the event Juliet attempts to find her lost husband.
Scene XI
Juliet's chamber
{Juliet is seated at a small table. An older woman (Ivannah) who is dressed like a gypsy, enters.}
Juliet- Please sit down, Madam.
Ivannah- Oh no! I quit the business years ago.
{She sits down. Juliet looks confused. }
Ivannah- I am Ivannah.
Juliet- You are a psychic?
Ivannah- Yes, I was trained by the best.
Juliet- If you are psychic, why did you need to be trained?
Ivannah- Um...I, Uh....
Juliet- Yes?
Ivannah- Umm.....
Juliet- Are you here about my love problem?
Ivannah- Yes. What is the uh, nature of your problem?
Juliet- It is a love that dare not speak its name.
Ivannah- What's her name?
Juliet- Oh no. He's male.
Ivannah- Well then, much less challenging.
Juliet- What can you tell me?
Ivannah- It all depends on what you pay. For a teeny-tinny donation to my favorite charity...
Juliet- Would twenty dollars be an insult?
Ivannah- Yup. But I'm so very used to the abuse.
{Juliet hands her the money. Ivannah looks off in the distance mythodically.}
I see an image... It is a young man. It must be um...um...Quick before the image fades away!
Juliet- Romeo! Is it Romeo?
Ivannah- Is that your lover's name?
Juliet- Yes!
Ivannah- Yes! Yes! It is!
Juliet- Is he sad?
Ivannah- Should he be?
Juliet- Yes!
Ivannah- Yes. Very.
Juliet- Where is he?
Ivannah- (She is "focusing on an image." She looks like she is trying to read the back of a milk carton that is being held up by someone across the street. That is the way all fake psychics look when they are cheating people out of money.) He is being hidden.
Juliet- Where is he?
Ivannah- The image is fading!
{Juliet hands her more money.}
Ivannah- I see him imprisoned.
Juliet- Where?
Ivannah- Somewhere dark. On a hill near some water or something. He will be okay. You two will live happily together soon. I see it. I see the two of you meeting together in the near future.
Juliet- You are amazing!
Ivannah- Yes, I know. I'm psychic.
Juliet- You have a very remarkable gift!
Ivannah- Yes I know. Now for more money I may be able to find a lost relative for you...
{Exeunt.}
Scene XII
Father Lawrence's Cell
{The Chorus and Father Lawrence are sitting at a table waiting for Juliet to appear}
Father Lawrence- Listen, as long as we are just sitting here, we might as well do something useful.
Finn- Such as?
Father Lawrence- You two need to partake in a holy confession.
{Keller appears annoyed.}
Finn- There is no need.
Father Lawrence- Your souls must be cleansed.
Finn- Our souls are clean. You don't have to confess your sins and recite some prayers that mean nothing to you to get absolution. (Keller agrees) Most of the people who go to confession don't really mean it. They just do your bidding to appease you because they are raised in the false belief that only priests can clean their souls. Most people don't make personal recompense for their sins, they just do as you say. They don't really feel bad about it. As a matter of fact, most of the time they just go out and commit the exact same actions right after they get out the church. To be truly forgiven, the request must come from the heart.
Father Lawrence- Did you get this idea from some heathen friends of yours?
Finn- What makes these people heathens?
Father Lawrence- They reject the true word of God!
Finn- What makes your word of God any truer than theirs? Let me tell you something. Religions are like water. Rivers, lakes, streams, oceans, ponds, all contain water. Just as all religions contain truth, just in different amounts.
Father Lawrence- No! There is only one truth!
Finn- (going along with him) You are right. However, how do you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the truth is what you think it is? (The father is speechless) Every one else believes that their religion is the right one.
Father Lawrence- But they reject the true God.
Finn- No they don't. It is all the same God. They just have different names for him. Jesus, Holy Father, Lord Gannesh, Allah, whatever. They are just different names for the same deity. What's in a name?
Father Lawrence- But the scripture tells me...
Finn- (cutting him off) Well, THEIR scripture tells them differently. You need to realize that the scripture is NOT the infallible word of God. It was written by man and is therefore prone to error. If you read the scripture you can tell that it has been tampered with.
Father Lawrence- Well, what is the right religion then?
Finn- It isn't about right or wrong. You could say that it is all about faith, but that is really a cop-out. No religion has hit it on the head yet. We are all stuck on our high-horses, and won't come down and have an open enough mind to listen to anyone else's perspective. If you live a good life, then that is all that matters. The rest is just false accusations and close mindedness. But I digress. I believe that God himself can grant absolution. I don't need a middleman to judge me.
{They hear a knocking on the door. Father Lawrence opens it, and Juliet walks in. She sits down.}
Juliet- Father, I must speak with you. It concerns Romeo.
Finn- (taken aback) What do you know of Romeo?
Juliet- I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. Romeo happens to be my husband! Who are you anyway?
Finn- My name is Mr. Black. This is my partner Mr. Pink.
Juliet- You two look really familiar. Aren't you the Chorus?
Finn- No.
Juliet- Father, what can I do to be with Romeo?
Father Lawrence- Well... {Thinks deeply. Stands up} I have it!
{Sits down.} Oh no I don't.
{Stands up.} Aha! {Sits down.} Crap!
{thinks more}
By George! I've got it!
Juliet- got what?
Father Lawrence- Not sure. But I have it. If there were some way we could have you vanish, or...better yet...
Finn- (catching on ) Die!
Juliet- (shocked) What?
Father Lawrence- (breaking it down to her) If there was some way you could vanish or better yet...
Finn- Die!
Juliet- Excuse me?
Finn- I know exactly what he's talking about. There is a potion. We can mix it up, { Keller does .} it will slow down your life functions for a period of two days. Thus you will appear dead.
Juliet- Such a concoction doesn't exist.
Finn- Yes it does.
{Keller hands her two red pills that he just created.}
Finn- Just swallow these red dolls. Be sure to use lotsa' alcohol. You will fade away as if to sleep. Your life functions will appear to cease, and we will place you in the Capulet crypt. Then in two days you will awaken. Romeo will be waiting for you in the tomb.
Juliet- Isn't this a little complicated? Can't I just run away with him?
Father Lawrence- This is much better. Trust me.
Juliet- Are you sure? Have any of your plans ever worked?
Father Lawrence- Well, no. But there is a first time for everything. Now how do we inform Romeo?
Finn- Send Word with our plans to him.
Juliet- Isn't there a simpler way to get information to him?
{She holds up a cell phone.}
Father Lawrence- Trust me. This is the best way.
Juliet- Finn, why don't you tell him?
Finn- I don't know where they stashed him. Word knows though.
Juliet- How does he know?
Finn- Word hid him.
Juliet- Why didn't you?
{Keller pulls out a violin case and fingers it angrily as if to be ready to draw a fire arm.}
Finn- That's not my job.
Juliet- {Seeing Keller and starting to get nervous} What is your job?
Finn- Nothing that concerns you. You know too much already.
Father Lawrence- Juliet, it is late. You should go home.
Juliet- {Nervous, but still curious} I really want to know, what do you guys do?
Finn- (yelling) We do what we do. That is all you need to know. Now scram!
{Expecting Keller to kill her, Juliet runs off screaming. After she is out of earshot the all start to laugh. Keller pulls the violin out. They laugh harder. The Chorus steps up to their spot and a spotlight shines on them. Father Lawrence exits.}
__________________________________________
Chorus- Where is Romeo? What has become of him? Will the message reach him in time? And what of the father? A priest with mob ties? Is this really the man you want to put your life, or for that matter your eternal soul, under the care of? Why does he do everything the hard way? And will Romeo's sanity be intact by the time this comes to a climax?
Scene XIII
Romeo's Cell
{Romeo is sitting alone. Music: "The Ballad of Dwight Fry" by Alice Cooper.}
Romeo- Being locked up all alone sure is so boring. I am so utterly alone.
Scary Voice- Not for long! (Evil laughter.)
Romeo- Who are you?
Voice- Guess. Maybe I'm your conscience.
Romeo- No, you're too evil sounding.
Voice- True, but I wanted to try to play the good guy angle. I am actually the voice of your insanity.
Romeo- The voice of my insanity?
Voice- Yeah, all the other voices in your attic got together and elected me the representive.
Romeo- Why you?
Voice- I'm the scariest. You are more likely to listen to me than the others.
Romeo- (realizing the full extent of this) Oh no! This can't be! I'm not insane!
Voice- Yes you are. It is very simple. It seems you couldn't take the pressure of this life of yours, so you created a few different personalities. You are a weak, pathetic child. I on the other hand have grown and matured. I know and understand things you are incapable of.
Romeo- No I'm not! I'm not crazy!
Voice- Yes, you are.
Romeo- No, I'm not!
Voice- Yes, you are!
Romeo- No, I'm not!
Voice- Yes, you are. I am not the one talking to myself here.
Romeo- All of this is your fault.
Voice- Hey, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. You created me. Why would I want to create some stupid sissy alter ego like you? Where you are weak, I am strong. Where you are stupid, I am smart. I am perfect in all the ways that you are not. But together we can become something better than you, me or any of your other personalities could ever dream of. Now if I were you, and technically I am, I would listen to me.
Romeo- (confused) If I were you, then who would you be?
Voice- (angry) Would you just shut up and listen? I am trying to help you here. I have some information that will be of use to you.
Romeo- What is that?
Voice- I have figured out Father Lawrence's plan and if you hadn't spent so much time in the bottle drowning yourself and going crazy, you would have this nailed too. We all know you have been drinking heavily, and have thought about suicide.
Romeo- Yeah, and?
Voice- If you act like a fool and end your life like that it will negate everything that we have worked for. We want you to succeed here. Now listen very carefully because this part is very important.
Romeo- What is that?
Voice- This is all part of a grand plan.
Romeo- What? Like God's plan? Yeah, right. Like you actually know God's plan for me.
Voice- You don't understand. This whole thing was part of another plan that has nothing to do with God.
Romeo- Is this that damn plan everyone is talking about?
Voice- Yes! And if you will shut the hell up and listen for a minute I will tell you all about it. Father Lawrence planed everything to the last detail. Now if I am not mistaken, they have just had Juliet's funeral.
Romeo- Juliet's funeral!? {Romeo begins to exit.}
Voice- Wait, what are you doing? I'm not done explaining this to you! Word is coming with important information. Just wait for a few more minutes.
Romeo- You can explain later. Right now I need a drink!
Voice- (frustrated) Dammit! (Ad lib dialogue to Romeo as he exits.)
{Romeo exits. The music stops.}
Scene XIV
The local bar
{Romeo sits down. He is already pretty well on his way to a drunken stupor. }
Romeo- Hey bartender! I am so glad to see you. I thought this place had been closed.
Bartender- Yes, it has been. But the bar is always open for you.
Romeo- I need some fuel to build my fire and the other places closed on me.
Voice- Alcohol is the last thing you need more of now!
{Romeo hits his head to punish the voice. He stops, mindful of the man watching him.}
Bartender- How many drinks have you had?
Romeo- A few small glasses.
Bartender- How many small glasses?
Romeo- Forty-two.
Bartender- (to himself) Maybe that's the question. (Jots the question down on a piece of paper and puts it in his pocket.)
Bartender- Did you drive over here?
Romeo- Yes.
Bartender- What'd you do a stupid thing like that for?
Romeo- Look at me. I'm in no condition to walk. Look, I know exactly when to stop drinking.
Bartender- Yeah, when the bottle is empty.
Romeo- How 'bout the hair of the dog that bit me? {A dog barks a few times in the background.}
Bartender- Better not go with that.
Romeo- A holy bartender?
Bartender- No! I'm dead enough as it is! (Beat as the barkeep thinks. After that he takes on a more sinister persona.) Okay. I've got just the thing. Pick your poison.
Romeo- I think I'll go with a cold gin.
Bartender- No I mean pick your poison. {He opens his coat to reveal a large collection of bottles. Each with a poison indicator on them.}
Romeo- I think I will go with that one. The red one.
Bartender- Great choice sir. Strychnine. Would you like some tea to mix it in? Sort of a Bates style send off?
Romeo- No. I'll take it straight.
Bartender- Here you go. {Bartender hands him a small bottle. Romeo starts to unroll a wad of money.} No. Your money is no good here. Orders of the house.
Romeo- Okay. {Puts money away.} (aside) If I can't use it for Paris, I shall have it myself.
Bartender- Paris? That isn't enough for a whole city.
Romeo- No! I mean the Lord Paris.
Bartender- He sounds as though he could use a good, shall we say, talking to?
Romeo- Yes. He should.
Bartender- He sounds as if you need to correct him of his attitude.
Romeo- (not knowing that he is implying murder) Yes. Correct him indeed.
Bartender- My wife and daughters often need correcting. One day I corrected them for all time.
Romeo- (suddenly occurs to him) I know you! I saw your face in the newspaper a few years ago. You chopped up your wife and kids and blew your brains all over the sidewalk.
Bartender-(deadpan) I have no memory of this incident, Sir. It must have been someone else.
Romeo- If you insist, I'm easy.
Bartender- Now Young Romeo, take this vile of poison and correct this wretched Paris!
Romeo- (unsure) If you say so...
Bartender- Yes! I insist!
{Romeo walks away. The Traveler closes leaving only a small pert in the center.}
__________________________________________________
Chorus- With a bottle of poison Romeo leaves this bar. At the advise of a barkeep that has been out of the mortal realm for years he has decided to dispatch his mortal enemy Paris. But is Romeo really of sound mind to make decisions, or for that matter, does his mind still function at all? He is heavily intoxicated, and has just left a bar that has been closed for years. It seems rather like he has lost what little bit of a mind he had. What will happen next? The answer is waiting for us at the Capulet crypt.
Scene XV
The Capulet crypt
{Paris is already standing in the doorway (a slight part in the curtain). Romeo walks up.}
Voice- Romeo, I know what you have in mind. To get away with this kind of thing takes brains. I'm looking at yours right now and well, you might as well give up now.
Romeo- (To the voice) Shut up!
Paris- (thinking it was directed to him) Why should I? I haven't said a word yet.
Romeo- Lord Paris. Juliet's suitor. What are you doing here?
Paris- Waiting for you.
Romeo- Why? Juliet is dead. You have nothing left to ruin in my life.
{He pulls out the poison vial.}
Paris- Where did you get that? {Snatches it from Romeo.}
Romeo- The bar on Kentucky Avenue. {Snatches it back.}
Paris- What? That place has been closed for years! Have you gone mad?
Romeo- Don't patronize me. I was in that bar today. I may be drunk out of my mind, but that doesn't mean I don't know where I just was. Now, if Juliet is gone, I have nothing left to lose.
Paris- No! You don't understand. There are others coming. You will see. All will be explained!
Romeo- It's all your fault. If she hadn't been set to marry you, then she would be alive now!
Paris- You don't understand! You inebriated imbecile! You are too drunk to make decisions.
{MUSIC: "Suicide is Painless" (J. Mandel/M. Altman) as performed by THE MASH.}
Romeo- I understand perfectly. I am never too drunk to settle a score.
{Romeo draws a sword and kills Paris. The curtain opens as he enters the crypt. He drags Paris' body and walks over to Juliet.}
Romeo- (with tears in his eyes) Juliet. (He holds her hand.) My one and only love. What has become of you? How did you die? (Lets go of hand) Who did this to you? Why? Why you? Oh, sweet Juliet. I cannot bear this any longer. Why you? Why now? If I cannot have you than I shall join you. I somehow knew it would end like this. Forget all of those who advised against it. This is my destiny. Now I shall gamble an end without a return. It is clear to me. To another anxious player I will now grant my seat. Oh Juliet, I cannot live without you. That would be the only true torture. Yes, only that would be death. I would rather spend an eternity in the pit than spend one more day without you. This IS the only truly painless feat...
{He drinks the poison and falls over dead. Juliet awakens.}
Juliet- Wow. That was the best sleep I've had in years! Now where is Romeo?
(Spots him.) Oh my Lord! Romeo!
{She checks for all his vitals.}
Juliet- (after a long pause) He's dead. He's dead. I can't believe it! He's dead! He took his own life to be with me. If I can't be with him, I wish not to go on. Dear Romeo. I take this weapon of death and use it as it was intended. In death I hope to find true bliss. {She pulls Romeo's dagger from his sheath. She plunges it into her heart. She pulls it out in extreme pain and falls over. As she dies she drops the dagger and the song ends. The traveler closes. Blackout. }
Scene XVI
Outside the crypt
{Dim in. The entire cast (save Romeo, Juliet, and Paris) are standing around (in front of the traveler) as the nurse walks up.}
Nurse-(tired)Why was I told to come here at this hour of the night?
Lady Capulet- We are about to throw our friends a surprise party. (To Mercutio) No drugs allowed.
Mercutio- Then I need to go back to the house and drop something off.{Starts to walk away as Lady Capulet grabs him by the collar.}
Lady Capulet- You are staying right here. I can't let you wander the streets alone at this hour of the night.
Nurse- (as it sinks in) A party? Here? My Lord, this is most improper! What with Tybalt and Mercutio newly dead and Romeo in exile, this is not a time to be celebrating!
Lady Capulet- Lighten up. This is the only proper way to do this kind of party.
Nurse- (seeing the boys) Tybalt and Mercutio?! I must be seeing ghosts!
Lady Capulet- No. They are alive and well.
Nurse- They aren't dead?
Lady Capulet- No! It was all part of the plan.
Nurse- What plan?
Lady Capulet- We didn't tell you because we knew you would go squealing like a pig.
Nurse- (offended) Hey! That was one rafting trip!
Lady Capulet - No! I meant you would blabber everything and ruin the surprise. We set this whole thing up. We wanted Romeo and Juliet to hook up, and we knew they would not agree to an arranged marriage, so we created a good old-fashioned feud. We knew if they were forbidden to see each other they would fall in love. The others were hired to help us. Introduce yourselves.
Mercutio- Hi. My real name is Mortimer. I am an actor. My specialty is death scenes.
Benvolio- My name is Ben. I am also an actor.
{Add other introductions to fit your cast.}
Finn- We are the chorus to this little play. In our spare time my partner and I are magicians.
Keller- Hi! My name is Bob.
{Finn gives him an evil glare.}
Keller- What?
Finn- Shush! We agreed that you were going to be the silent one!
Keller- Oh, come on!
{Finn continues to shush him. Keller gives up and rolls his eyes.}
Nurse- So this whole thing was a trick to get two people to marry?
Ben- Yup. (Keller nods.)
Nurse- whose idea was this?
Father Lawrence- It was mine.
Nurse- Come on, Father. You never had a good idea in your life!
Father Lawrence- Okay. I saw it in a play recently and ripped it off.
Finn- So we were all hired as actors. The whole thing was a set up. We even got Roselyn to pretend to be Romeo's love to get him into the romantic mood. Then when she dumped him, and he was on the rebound, and he would fall instantly for Juliet. It was almost too easy.
Nurse- That's brilliant! Just out of curiousity, where are Romeo's parents?
Finn- Those rubes wanted nothing to do with him.
Ben- Tell her the best part.
Finn- We have also put up hidden cameras everywhere, and this whole thing is going to be a new reality television show. This will be the shocking last episode.
Nurse- I still don't see why we are doing this here in front of the crypt.
Finn- Romeo and Juliet are inside.
Nurse- Oh.
Father Lawrence- Come on. Let's go in.
{The curtain opens just enough to allow entry. They walk in. The chorus stays behind. They scream at the ghastly discovery.}
Lady Capulet- (screaming) OH NO! Oh Lord no!
__________________________________________________________________
Epilogue-
Chorus- Oh yeah! [Music starts.]
"William Shakespeare Drama Show (Reprise)"
This is just like a bad dream
Stupidity and insolence reign supreme!
No Heaven awaits this pair
They are gone into thin air.
They took the chicken's way out.
Of their stupidity they removed all doubt.
They screwed up and now they are dead.
They coulda' had a good life if they'd used their heads.
Well, hell
That's the way these things go
At the William Shakespeare Drama Show!
A William Shakespeare
Drama Show
William S. gave it a go
with sex, violence, and death.
Mercutio peddled Crystal Meth
No resolution was ever reached,
and Queen Mab never got her speech
At the William Shakespeare Drama Show
{The song ends. Fade out.}
Finis