Dear Diary,

I’ve been here in my own little shadow, taking a brief break from my duties. I call my shadow Stellairia. It’s fashioned after the famed Camelot. This place is so gorgeous! The place looks so lush, green, and pristine! My castle I have named Stellairah, since it is the only great sign of civilization. This is like a vacation spot for me, where I can relax or train without the interruptions. I can hunt for my own meal if I so chose, but then, most of the time I choose to have servants do all of that for me. I love having complete power here. At least I can call this corner of the universe mine.

I’ve been practicing my shape shifting while here as well. I’ve been working on being a Bloodhound, a jack-rabbit, known for speed, and an eagle—even many different types of birds, just for the heck of it. It’s fun I think. Being a melodic nightingale, or canary, or as small and delicate as a humming bird, or as obnoxious as a huge parrot with quite a vocabulary. I’ve also been working on being a horse, a panther, a cheetah, an owl, and even a Griffin, but that I will only do in extreme cases and feel that I will never quite master. That one is actually quite tiresome and energy consuming. The cat forms are easy—like panther, cheetah, tiger, lynx, and even a simple, domesticated lap-cat, since my Chaos form has similar feline qualities.

Shape shifting isn’t the only thing I’ve been doing out here. I’ve been brushing up on my self defense skills, as well. Mother found me an excellent teacher by the name of Rufus. From what I understand, he also taught Grandfather. He has been teaching me some martial arts—karate and Tae Kwon Do, he calls it—which proves to be quite an effective combination with my claws when I am in my Chaos form. He has helped me to optimize my tail, my feet and even my fangs. I feel as if I can take on the world! Rufus has also been helping me with certain weapons as well. I have acquired a magical sword, which shape shifts into an alternate form, depending on where I am. In other places, it turns into a crossbow. I think it’s pretty neat.

But let me tell you about Stellairia. This is a shadow all of my very own. I control all that happens here. The sky is blue, there are just enough clouds in the sky, and the rain is not allowed to fall until after sundown, or unless I say otherwise! Yes, life is good! I can have my cake and eat it too. I have servants who wait on me hand and foot. I believe that in order to do well in life, you must be happy, and baby, I sure am! I feel quite content! But I do admit to the fact that I’m a little lonely without my comrades. Sure, they seem to be a little mixed up, but they are my friends at the moment. I still can’t seem to figure Jordan out! Unfortunately, being away from him gets me thinking, and then I start doing that too much. Then my little imagination starts going wild, and then I scare myself. (Why do I do that?) Anyway, I really shouldn’t try to sort out my love life details. I’m not exactly on vacation. I’m in serious training here!

Well, my training here is nearly complete. My mother has been showing up frequently to see how I am, as has my Grandfather, since I do not want my relatives to find my shadow. Even if they did, it wouldn’t matter, but I still do not want them here, just the same.

My grandfather Gregarion is quite a remarkable man. If he were to ever leave his House Title to any of his children, House Millithor would surely be lost. We would be waging wars of our own just to gain power in the House and then the courts. Yes, Grandfather is the glue that holds this family together. I don’t know how he does it, but I have deep respect for him because of it.

Grandfather is my favorite—probably because he is the only one aside form Mother who is on my side! As close as we are, I still can’t help but feel that he doesn’t completely believe in my loyalty to the House. My guess is because of my Amberite father—who I would like nothing more than to simply know who he is! If Grandfather ever found out that I was wanting to search for my father, there’s no telling what he might say or do. Despite the fact that I trust the man with my life implicitly for the time being, I truly am afraid to tell him this. I’ve never kept anything from him before, but ever since I have taken up my diplomatic duties, there are things that I would rather much keep to myself and that I rather he not know—like my personal love life, for instance. I admit that I’m probably falling for Jordan—who’s an Amberite of all things! What would he think?--not to mention of what Mother would be thinking. They would question my loyalty outright—I’m very sure of it. I think that would actually matter to me. For some reason, I feel that some kind of deep seeded respect keeps me quiet about my life—I’m determined not to bring anymore disgrace upon my house. (I bring disgrace upon the house just for being born!) My relationship with Grandfather would be shattered, and despite the fact that my family is quite dysfunctional, family is very important to me.

But enough of family talk. Rufus is calling, and I must practice my self-defense. He tells me that I’m going to need it should I ever run into my Aunt Lucretia or any other of my jealous relatives!

Dear Diary,

In being away in my shadow, I have learned some disturbing details. Farrell is missing. No one has been able to get in contact with him. Rumors are rampant here in Amber as well as Chaos. Despite the fact that Amber now has an appointed reagent on the throne, there are still all sorts of little conspiracies happening, and I feel that once again that my job and maybe life is in danger. Dodging my relatives is one thing—dodging Amberites is another.

Speaking of dodging Amberites,  Prince Brand has made his presence known. Fisbun wasn’t dead after all—in fact, he had joined up with Brand, leading a great army to try and take Castle Amber. My companions and I joined in the battle, and what a great fight! We were slashing through the enemy right and left, working our way over to where Fisbun stood. Oh, you could probably imagine that Tremere, Puck, and myself had the same thought when it came to Fisbun—to kill the treasonous bastard!

Lord Corwin also got in the fight, with guns blazing—an extremely rare sight here in Amber. It took many by surprise, including me. I wasn’t fighting in my Chaos form—I was having too much fun! But Corwin’s grand entrance was enough to distract me just long enough to get completely run through by the enemy.

It was like nothing I had ever experienced before! Thankfully, no real internal damage was done, but the pain was unbelievable! It definitely knocked me to my knees. I heard Corwin shout my name as he fired in my direction. Next thing I knew, he had killed my attacker. I glanced up to see who was around me—the pain was intense. It scared me enough to think I was possibly dying. Corwin had come to my side and expertly removed the blade and gave me a field dressing before taking off again to take on Fisbun. Feeling better and convinced that I wasn't about to die, I turned into my Chaos form then, literally clearing a path through a flank of the enemy.

Corwin had suffered some serious injury by the time I was able join in the fight against Fisbun, but Fisbun was already dead, the battle was won for our side and the enemy was already retreating. It wasn’t until much later after the fight that I was able to thank Corwin for saving my life. I owe him huge for that. Now with Amber temporarily rid of Brand, we’ll be able to restore the peace.

Dear Diary,

Have been spending the last week on Stellairia, healing and spending time with Rufus and Granddad. It has been truly relaxing. It gives me a chance to reflect on a few things and then to spend time just thinking about people—dad, for instance, and Jordan for another.

But upon my return to Amber, I have learned that they are all plotting on how to go down into the Abyss after Brand. They have it figured that that’s where Random is—as well as Merlin and Farrell and even the long-lost Deirdre. It’s more than a well known fact that whoever and whatever goes down into the Abyss never comes out again—save for Brand. The man is a Living Trump! Tremere knew better than to join in on the plotting and took off to Amber City for a steak from Bloody Sam’s.

Please don’t ask me where my head went, or how the thought had even crossed my mind, but I agreed to help Puck out on a theory he was working on about the Abyss. He mentioned that he’d bring the beer. I swear, he’s such a bad influence on me! He and I had gone over to the Chaos side of the Abyss to do it. He figured that since I had Logrus, I could send some tendrils down to check out what was in the abyss. I didn’t see the harm in that. He told me I was looking for huge, red sperm-whale-type creatures. I don’t know what made me decide to humor him. I understand that he has not exactly been sleeping well these nights.

Amazingly enough, he was right about the red whales, because I found them! An entire pod of at least thirty count or more. Now here’s the crazy part—he suggested that I pull the two of us down to it. I protested at first. I tried to remind him of the fact that there was no return from the Abyss, but he was determined. Why the hell I couldn’t put my foot down, still, I couldn’t say. Maybe by the fact that the thought entered my head that somehow, since I had reached a tangible place in the Abyss and the fact that I wouldn’t be falling, that maybe I could use the Logrus to get back out again, or else try to Trump someone.

Well, I get us down to the whale. Puck is ecstatic. I’m so uptight that all I can say is "Just great. Now can we leave?" The entire experience was too new and too frightening. It had freaked me out worse when Puck decided to try his Trumps and actually Trumped out to some guy by the name of Simon and left me all by myself on the back of this whale. I was too panicked and too creeped-out to use the Logrus and when I tried to Trump Puck, the whale decided to "dive" lower, causing me to lose my balance a little—not to mention losing Puck’s Trump in the process. It was a terrifying two hours later when Puck finally got a hold of me and pulled me out. I was ready to kiss the very solid ground I was standing upon—even if it was Amber soil!

This event that I record on this page—Puck and myself are the only two people in history aside from Brand, who have gone down into the dreaded Abyss and have come back out of it again!

We just had to rush back to the castle and tell the others of our discovery! We called on Tremere, Victoria, Jordan and whoever of the other Amberites we could get together and went straight to Fiona. (when it comes to Puck, I get the feeling that she doesn’t like him very much.) She listened intently to me as I recounted our experience in the Abyss. The elders were sitting there slack-jawed. Despite my harrowing adventure of earlier, I couldn’t help but feel like I was the smart one, for once! Fiona was impressed and announced that she would be going with the "Brat Pack" down into the Abyss. Puck seems terribly anxious to leave, so he did—without us, because he felt that we had hurt his feelings. After all, I did steal his thunder right in front of Fiona and all.

Going down into the Abyss for a second time wasn’t anywhere near as scary as the first, since everyone was coming along for the ride this time—including Benedict’s son, Simon and excluding Puck. Riding a whale is one heck of an experience. I was right about Puck going off on his own—we caught up with him and Fiona had no problem putting him in his place! It seemed to take an eternity before we actually hit the bottom of the Abyss and was brought right up to the front doorstep of some kind of fortress. It wasn’t until we were sauntering up through the front gates did I realize and it sunk in that –Oh, My God! We were going after Brand, the Living Trump! I could feel my heart sink—how are we going to survive? He had Justin and Tiffany, the Terrible Two working for him, I could remember.

It was nearly ten hours later, and one confusing walk! We had to walk the maze in order to get to the last and lowest level of the place! Here is where we found Merlin, Random and long-lost Deirdre! Just when we had the prisoners freed, Brand showed up with his wife Jasra and a completely transformed Farrell! There was something different about him—the tattoos and the fact that his eyes were glowing told me that he definitely wasn’t fighting for our side. Suddenly, we find that we’re surrounded by more of the same warriors we had already fought in the previous battle.

We began to fight—I changed into my Chaos form, ready to take them on. I just hoped that they were as easy to kill as before. But the enemy was able to get a couple of blows in before we could begin to do our stuff. Farrell had managed to wound Tremere and I broke my wrist in trying to block a sword swipe. (I actually dented the enemy’s sword!) Martin was luckier, managing to wound Brand with an air-powered gun! My attacker was trying to get at me again, but I used my Defensive Luck spell, lost my balance and wound up falling. He hit me over the head with his sword, but in the same place where I had dented it earlier and it broke in two. I, of course, angered that he would dare, lashed out with my feet and ripped into him, causing him to bleed to death. During this scuffle, a huge demon-thing had shown up! Puck was turned into stone, Jasra had disappeared, Brand was also gone, Farrell was down with an arm missing, Fiona was down and suddenly, Benedict was there, battling the demon! I rushed over to give assistance, but Benedict had just killed the demon and it fell on top of me!

For those of you just joining us this late in the game, that was not the real Benedict. Before Puck’s unfortunate timing of turning to stone, (Compliments of Jasra) he had managed to turn one of the enemy into Benedict with a well placed spell—extremely smart thinking on his part. At this point, the battle was over and with Deirdre, Random and Merlin, we made a hasty exit from the place by actually Trumping back to Amber. I think I need a vacation!

Dear Diary,

After a few days of recuperation in Chaos, there was a huge Coming Home Party for us—mostly for Deirdre, Random and Merlin. With Random back in Amber, we weren’t sure what would happen to the throne again, but Random graciously stepped aside and practically set the throne of Amber in Finndo’s lap, on condition that he become Finndo's top right hand advisor. Thankfully, Finndo agreed—much to the like/dislike of all the other Amberites present.

The Party was great fun. I was really looking forward to having some fun and trying to get Jordan to notice me. But I guess it wasn’t to be. I guess he found the so-called party extremely boring and left with Simon to go practice fencing skills. I was pretty bummed. Puck noticed, and did his best to try and cheer me up. He can be so nice and charming when he wants to be! He knows of the crush I have on Jordan. So what did he do? He actually transformed into Jordan for me! Yes, that cheered me up. We had fun dancing, talking, laughing. We got a little out of control when trying to actually pull one over Bleys—just for fun—but Bleys didn’t see the humor in it and ordered Puck to change back. After Bleys had left us alone, I thanked Puck for the effort. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I could just kiss him for that! But I didn’t get to thank him enough when old Dworkin suddenly crashed the party, ranting and raving as usual, and dragged poor Puck out by the ear. The party was pretty much over after that, and I decided to go and find Jordan.

I found him and Simon fencing in the garden. I stayed hidden in the shadows, not wanting to disturb them, since I would have absolutely nothing to say to them anyway. I don’t know how long he was standing there beside me, but there was Lord Benedict. He was watching them fence as well, quietly critiquing Jordan’s form—more to himself than to me, I’m sure. I said nothing and simply nodded in agreement. I had nothing to really say to him either. I had a feeling that he was on to me—ever since that day in the garden when I was spying on them long ago. But at this point, I didn’t really care if he knew or not.

At this point, Tremere happened upon the scene, looking to strike up a conversation with them, and this is where Benedict cut in, making his presence known. I felt relief when he did not give my presence away. Instead, he began talking to his son, Simon, giving him tips on his staff and how he should be using it more efficiently, blah, blah, blah. He conveniently steered Simon away from the garden, seeming to strike up a serious conversation with him. One down, I thought, but there was still Tremere. Jordan was still looking for a sparring partner, and Tremere was about to take up that invitation when he received a trump call from someone and suddenly had to run. Finally, Jordan was all alone.

Finally, when I was sure that Tremere was gone, I stepped out from the shadows with an almost tentative "Hello, Jordan." My heart was beating peanut butter, my knees felt weak, and my breath seemed to be caught in my throat. I barely heard his invitation to spar with him, but I nodded and began to spar with him, my mind racing. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that either he was trying to be nice and not doing his best, or I was really better with a sword than he was. Well, I also saw this as a chance to get my thoughts straight—especially now without Rufus hanging over my shoulder.

I went evenly matched with him for a while, but then finally thought—"What the hell!" In one swift move, I disarmed him, sending the sword flying from his hand. He moved to go get it, but I stood in his way. I placed my foot over the blade, preventing him from picking it up. Just when he was about to protest, I leaned in and gave him a kiss—one that just went for wanton abandonment, and for all I was worth. There was no turning back now. You could imagine my delight when the kiss was returned, and when we had finally come up for air, his response was:

"Your place or mine?" Okay. I’ll take that as a huge YES! We went to his room and did things that a lady wouldn’t dare repeat! Let’s just say that it was an incredible night—for the record books! (And I had a legit excuse to be sleeping late this morning!)

Later in the day, the "Brat Pack" met at Corwin’s Tomb at the request of Martin. He had a friend by the name of Sorsha with him. The gist of the meeting was to take a blood oath to be honest with each other and not to go against each other like the elder Amberites and Chaos people do. I can go with that.

Later in the day, I had some spare time and headed for the library to try and search for my missing heritage with no luck. In the middle of it all, Mother trumped me and asked to come over for a visit. I was happy to have her over. I gave her the grand tour, and during that, we ran into Lord Gerard, and it seemed to be love at first sight with them. Is this a good, or a bad?

Anyway, Mother had figured it out for herself that I had decided to go looking for my father. That was part of the reason that she had come over. She wanted to have a serious talk to me about him.

I can tell you, my heart had leapt up to my throat. I had always listened so closely to the rumors and the grand stories about my father. But she decided to keep me in suspense for just another day longer as she went out with Lord Gerard to Amber City. She promised to tell me all about him tomorrow—and I am holding her to that promise!

Dear Diary,

I need to search no longer for the identity of my father. Ever since I was old enough to grasp the concept, I had been led to believe that my father was an Amberite. Mother had always been rather hush-hush about the whole thing. She’s never told me anything. It was mainly all the rumors I had heard. She decided to let some of those rumors lie, I guess. All my life, I had believed that my father was some Amberite—a great man of some minor house who my mother had fallen in love with, and he had left her just before I was born. I have been raised by her off in shadow with no help from family. I had secretly believed that because of him, I had brought some form of disgrace to the House of Millithor. But now, I can look at this whole thing in a completely different light.

Mother has told me that my father is a Lord of Chaos. That makes me pure-blooded Chaos. I was surprised, and somewhat relieved. Even better, she told me that his name is Lord Flynn of House Gunther. She has no idea as to where he may reside and she had no other information to reveal. I was thankful. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I’m so happy over the fact that my father was revealed to me, but also angry and depressed over the fact that my father has never been a part of my life. It was then that mother took leave back to Chaos.

I almost felt a little guilty for not quite coming clean with her about my goings on in Castle Amber. I couldn’t tell her about Jordan—in fact, I’m not telling anyone about my little sordid affair. Benedict knows—I’m sure. If he were to tell anyone, I’m not sure how the news would go over. Now that Mother has gone, I can go to my own shadow for a while and have my well earned vacation.