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I wasn't gonna put this up at first...but I've decided I should. A history of my rather pathetic love life. Up until the break-up. I wrote this, because I needed to get it out of my system. The song lyrics, in italics, are from the following songs, in the following order. "Dirty Girl" by Fisher, "Lemon Parade" by Tonic, "How You Remind Me" by Nickleback, "F.N.T." by Semisonic, "Love You Madly" by Cake, "If You're Gone" by Matchbox 20 and "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne.
So here I go again, Dirty Girl, lay me down/Pleased to meet you/There you go, now you know a dirty girl/Pleased to leave me.
Love really has been more a less a game to me. In junior high, I'd see if I could have a boyfriend a year. And I did. They weren't the best guys....Ray was talked into even going out with me and then dumped me after a few days for my best friend...Jesus finally gave in to my continual asking him out and we went for a few months but I realized when he didn't care if we had a song, that it wasn't going to work...and Brandon. Good lord. Don't even get me STARTED on Brandon. Just a game. Between those...I had little internet flings. Pointless for the most part. Guys who promised me the world, layed down for a little dangle relief and never talked to me again. Such was life. And do I really blame any of them? Not really. I was an ugly, spotty, 4-eyed, greasy little girl. I was on nobody's date list. Even with crushes. One of the guys...Derek....when asked if he'd ever consider going out with me was quoted as saying "Hell no." Hell no... No one would want to date an ugly, unpopular girl.
Did the boys all tease you when they had the chance/Always left standing when it came time
to dance/Did you hide behind your books girl/Did you find your secret friends.
High school was, similar, I suppose. I stopped the boyfriend a year thing. I guess all I could hear in my head was "Hell no". After all, if you don't put it out there...nobody can step on it with gum-covered boots. There was one crush Sophomore year. But he was a Senior. And a Christian. And through a majority of junior high, I had plunged into the fascinating world of paganism. It wasn't going to happen with this Senior. And I realized that as soon as he avoided me after he had seen me with a Wicca book. So for most of high school, I burried myself in websites. Marneons came around then. As well as most of the pages I have now. It worked. I had built a little wall around my heart and refused to let anybody in for well over a year. A little girl, with plastic-framed glasses sitting up till odd hours of the morning doing HTML....no time for love. No room for love.
Then late Junior year...the landslide started.
It's not like you to say sorry/I was waiting on a different story/This time I'm mistaken/And I've been wronged/I've been down/Into the bottom of every bottle/These five words in my head scream/Are we having fun yet?
I remember going to Wenches & Knaves with Kai, and having her tell me about this guy who she started talking to with doodles on her French desk. She showed me the Post-Its with his cute litlte bubble guys doodled on them. She was so excited about meeting a guy who liked anime. And I determined, I was taking the wrong language...no guys ever left happy comments on the doodles on my Spanish desk. Damn it. Why couldn't fate intervene just ONCE? His name was Sean. He started having lunch with us. He was funny, and I'll admit. Cute. A small, temporary crush crept over me. But let's get real here for a second, shall we? It wasn't MY desk he put Post-Its on, now was it? Of course not. So Sean and Kai secretly fawned over each other for quite a few months...which was most disgusting to the other parties there (me and Krish). And the day when Sean did the soda can pop top thing (you know...you move that little top back and forth, going through the alphabet, and whatever letter it breaks off on is the inital of the person you'll marry or love...or some shit)...and got H....I had enough. He wrote me a note more or less whimpering about how Kai's last name was Hunt. That was it for me. Drastic measures were necessary. So with some pushes from a few people...and the imfamous bluntness that comes from my Italian Calabro genes...Kai and Sean hooked up. Augh. If I had only known what a mistake THAT was going to be. But I digress, for that is another story in itself.
And it was somewhere during this time that Sean talked me into downloading AIM. He wanted me to talk to his friends from Reno. Andy...and Adam.
Fascinating new thing/You delight me/And I know you're speaking of me/Fascinating new thing/Get beside me/I want you to love me/I'm surprised that you've never been told before/That you're lovely and you're perfect/And that somebody wants you .
Adam sent in a little essay in order to get a "dragon name"...a little thing between me and Kai. I read that essay so many times. I saved it on my harddrive and read it a few more times...what he wrote...made me sad...but made me love him at the same time. His first paragraph, he wrote about how he had never had a girlfriend...and how he had given up wanting to love at all. If that didn't make my heart bleed, nothing ever would have. So I started talking to him online more, and slowly, that wall I had bricked around my heart started to crumble. I fell in love with him. I had no intention of telling him...or anybody for that matter. Though many guys would have picked up on my shameless, continual flirting. Then I couldn't take it much longer...I spilled to Krish...and eventually to Kai. Which of course meant Sean knew. What better way for Sean to exact his revenge on my bluntness...then with bluntness of his own. And then Adam knew. It was...weird for a little bit. I didn't really know what to say to him...so conversation stayed close to mundane. Then he admitted that he liked me too. My life started looking up for once.
I want to love you madly/I want to love you now/I want to love you madly, way/I want to love you, love you/Love you madly.
I don't think I had ever been happier. I looked foward to talking to him everyday. My heart would skip a beat when I saw his screen name log on. I fell in love with the little blushing emoticon he used. ^.^# And I saw it at least 5 times every day. It felt so good to be wanted. I went into Senior year having the feeling that I could take on the world because somebody special out there cared whether or not I was happy or sad. That Christmas I sent him the key to my heart. It was an old skeleton key that my mother had given me. It wasn't to anything special. Just an old key. I put it on a chain, and sent it to him. He told me once he wore it everyday. He will never know how...wonderful...that felt. He sent me a 2 of his Senior pictures, one of which I kept in my wallet over my driver's liscence...so everytime I was sad, all I'd have to do is open my wallet and she his face there. Nothing made me happier than opening my wallet to pay for something and seeing that smile....
I think you're already leaving/Feels like your hand is on the door/I thought this place was an empire/But now I'm relaxed I can't be sure.
Adam started logging on less. It became every week...then every other week... Once we had graduated from high school...even more sporatic. When we both started college, I was lucky if he was online once a month. I suppose that should have been an obvious sign for me. It wasn't. I still loved him just as much...just as blindly as I had a year before. I should have read into when he told me he had stopped wearing the key because he had started to rust. I should have realized when the emails slowed...then stopped. Or when there was nothing I could say to bring out that innocent, blushing emoticon. And I really should have sat up, when he told me about the girl from his work who fancied him, even though he assured me it was nothing. No, through all that I still loved him. With Adam never online...I allowed myself to be sweet talked by the last person I wanted to be with. In my state of utter confusion and vunerability, I cracked. I asked Adam to get on, so I could tell him...at least in real time, and not in an email...that maybe we should split up. Nothing. No reaction. Not a hint of caring. When I realized what I had done, and how he had reacted...I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't wanted.
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?/Won't somebody come take me home/It's a damn cold night/Trying to figure out this life/Wont you take me by the hand/take me somewhere new/I dont know who you are/but I... I'm with you.
I wasn't wanted...I wasn't worth saving. I had done something wrong. This was all my fault. He logged on again, to talk to me. I put my heart out on the table. I told him, I still loved him, and asked if he'd give me a second chance. He thanked me for the year...and walked away. I wasn't good enough for some reason. The ugly girl from junior high had some how resurfaced in my mirror, and she scolded me for letting my wall crumble. After that, Adam didn't log on. I was left alone with my thoughts of worthlessness. Every song on the radio made me think of him. I'd sing a long to a few, and get teary eyed. More tears. More sleepless nights. I still loved him. He could have kicked me down the ground, spit in my face and called me a worthless bitch...and I still would have loved him.
So where are we now? I haven't heard from him since. I keep hoping...he'll come back and sweep me off my feet. Tell me that this was all one elaborate nightmare and that I'll never leave my dream again. Will it happen? Probably not...I'm not wanted. I'm just another girl again. Another ugly girl in a sea of supermodels. My reflection tells me to rebuild the wall...but I'm still holding on to one weak strand of hope.
11/30/02
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