A Father’s Nightmare |
Updated: 7/25/05 |
To Divorced/Divorcing Parents:
I am a divorcé, and what follows is a letter to my children. Children that are victims of divorce. I use the term victim because they suffer from Parental Alienation Syndrome (definition). More reading is available at http://www.paskids.com and http://www.rgardner.com/refs/. Unfortunately, our children have been caught in a war between my former spouse (an Obsessive Alienator) and myself. My former spouse has told our children terrible terrible lies, and made every attempt at trying to intervene with my interaction with our children. Before anyone jumps to conclusions about me because of my former spouse's actions, let me put those doubts aside by stating that I have a Top Secret Security Clearance. In order to get one of those, you have to have a squeaky-clean record and any history of child or spousal abuse, as well as alcohol or drug abuse, financial mismanagement, "wayward" legal trouble, or deviant behavior will remove any possibility of getting one. Here is a list of the signs of parental alienation.
If you are trying to use your children as a weapon against your former spouse: Wake up! The only people that are being hurt here are the children. Your children (and my children) have a right to see their non-custodial parent. If you tell your children lies about their non-custodial parent, you are going to screw them up for life – don’t you understand that? Do you really want to risk screwing your children up for life just so you can hurt the non-custodial parent? Get a grip! The marriage is over, and you are divorced, or soon will be divorced! Get on with your life! How terrible it must be for a child to hear that their non-custodial parent doesn’t love them, or doesn’t want to see them. What do you think that will do to their self-esteem? Are you willing to turn your child into a drug addict, or inflict severe emotional pain and torment ON YOUR CHILDREN just to hurt the person that you no longer love?
Before you continue, understand this: I’m not mad because I have to pay child support – I make enough money, and the child support that I pay is fine with me – as long as the money goes to the kids. It’s my duty. My responsibility. And believe me, after 20 years in the Marine Corps, I know about duty and responsibility. But when the child support goes to buy horses, and feed, and tack, and then the children are told “I can’t buy you new clothes because your father doesn’t send the money he’s supposed to” is absolutely crazy. Someday, those kids are going to find out how much it costs to take care of horses, put two and two together and realize that their child support was going to pay for their mother’s horses (especially since mom is unemployed, and has been since the divorce – with the occasional odd job here and there for a couple of weeks). But that’s an issue that their mother and the children are going to have to deal with when the kids grow up and wise up.
Dear Kaitlin, Krista, Christopher and Jessica,
You might not ever read this letter, but I am posting it on the internet in the hopes that you, some other child of a divorce, or some other parent of a divorce may read it and find hope or comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
Let me first start by saying that I love you. I have always loved you, and I will never stop loving you. You are my children, and NOTHING can change that.
I don’t know exactly what your mother has told you about me, but from what you have told me in the past, they were pretty ugly things, and they were all untrue. I don’t blame you for being mad at me – you don’t know the truth. After all, you live with your mother every day, and if you can’t believe or trust your mother, who can you believe or trust? You can believe me, and you can trust me. I am your father. I have nothing to gain by lying to you, and I have nothing to lose by telling you the truth.
About the Divorce…
Sometimes, adults find reasons to stop loving their husband or wife – I don’t know of anyone who stops loving their children though – no matter what their children do or say. Your mother and I stopped loving each other. You were there. Do you remember how we fought all the time? I’m not trying to say that it was all your mom’s fault, nor am I saying it was all my fault – It takes two people to fight. I made a conscious decision to stop fighting. I sought help and went to family counseling. Your mom went too. But as soon as it got a little too hot for her, she stopped going. You see, the marriage counselor not only told me what I was doing wrong, he also told your mom what she was doing wrong – and your mom could never admit to doing anything wrong. I continued to go to marriage counseling even without your mom, because I wanted to know what to do to make the situation better, even if she didn’t. When your mom saw that even though she wasn’t going, and I continued, she ridiculed me for it. Your mom started making fun of me because I wanted our home life to be better.
Soon after that, I was transferred to California, and you and your mother went to Missouri just before Jessica was born. I was supposed to go to school in July (which I did) and during my time in school, I was not going to be able to take time off from my studies to help around the house when Jessica was born. That is why you went to Missouri; so that Grandpa Don and Grandma Ruby could help your mom after Jessica was born. The plan was for all of you to come out to California after I finished school in October. One excuse led to another, and after 18 months, you still hadn’t moved to California. That was when I found out about Mr. Terry.
Do you remember Mr. Terry? Not Brother Terry from the church, but Mr. Terry. Our marriage was over long before your mom and Mr. Terry met, but I was just too naïve to see it I guess. Your mom had told Mr. Terry that we were getting a divorce, but when he found out that we weren’t getting a divorce, and she was doing things that a married woman shouldn’t be doing, he decided to give me a call and let me know what had been going on between them. Well, needless to say, for me, that was the final straw and I filed for divorce. Mr. Terry stopped dating your mother because your mother lied to him about our marital situation.
When your mom and I went through the divorce, she tried to say many mean and nasty things about me in order to gain favor in the court. None of them was true, and fortunately, the judge saw through your mom’s stories. Kaitie, do you remember when I hurt your arm playing “airplane?” Your mom tried to say that that was child abuse, and even brought the medical records to court to try to prove it. It was actually a condition called nurse maid’s elbow, and it is a very common injury in young children. You and I both know that we were having fun that day, and sometimes people get hurt having fun, like a child who breaks their leg playing soccer. If a child breaks their leg playing soccer, do you think that’s child abuse? I remember that day like it was yesterday – the sick sensation I got when I heard and felt your shoulder pop as I was swinging you around.
I don’t know why your mom grew to hate me so much, perhaps she is a lot more like Grandpa Don or Great-Grandma Delores than I knew. At least Grandpa Don was controllable as long as his truck was around and he could go sit and pout in it. Some people just can’t be happy. During our divorce, your mom wanted to prevent me from having any contact with you. She even went as far as to offer that if I agreed to only see you kids for one week in the summer every year, then she would only ask for $100 per month in child support. I couldn’t live with that offer, and it was completely laughable to me.
For me, our divorce was never about money. It was always about divorcing your mother, but still being able to talk to and see all of you, on a regular basis. For me, it was about being able to be a father on a father’s terms – without the interference of your mother. Your mom wanted nothing of it – she wanted to shut me out of your life completely. And if she couldn’t do that, she wanted to control every aspect and monitor everything I did with you. Putting it simply, your mother wanted to be with us whenever we were together. I refused. We fight – all the time. I don’t want your mother anywhere near us when we’re together because we fight. It’s not good for you to see that, and it’s not good for me either.
Do you remember that visit I had with you in September, about 3 months before our divorce was final? The time I stayed in a motel in Wentzville? When your mom came to pick you up and started talking about when she comes down to Florida with you to see me? That fight was because I told her that she was not going to come to Florida with you when you came to see me – that my visitation time with you is MY visitation time with you – not with you and her.
After the Divorce…
After the divorce, your mother tried her best to keep me from you and make me jump through hoops to see you. Did you know that one of the common rules regarding a child’s visit to their non-custodial parent is that pick-ups go on Fridays, and drop-offs go on Sundays, unless otherwise specified? Do you remember your first summer visit here, when we drove from Missouri to my home in Florida? Before I picked you up, your mother told me that if I didn’t have you back home in 21 days that she would call the police and have me arrested for kidnapping, because three weeks is 21 days. Kaitlin, I know you heard her say that because she took the phone out of your hands while you and I were talking so she could tell me that “important piece of information.” I laughed at your mother for that, because I knew that no court would hear the case – everybody knows that pick-ups go on Fridays, and drop-offs go on Sundays – it’s called “the spirit of the law.” Everybody except your mother, it seems. Well, I dropped you off at home on Sunday, and I never went to jail or trial for kidnapping you. Did I?
Later, during that same phone call, your mother threatened to call the Department of Children and Families because your Grandpa Bill was going to watch you for one week while I was at work. She said your Grandpa wasn’t a licensed babysitter so he couldn’t watch you. Again, I had to laugh – grandparents don’t need to be licensed babysitters to watch their grandchildren. But at your tender age, when you listened to your mom rant on the phone during these conversations, I’m sure you believed that I was doing something bad when you saw me do all these things that are “wrong.” Did your Grandma Ruby ever baby-sit you? Grandma Ruby isn’t a licensed baby-sitter. Did I ever threaten to call the Department of Children and Families because of that? No. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins of a certain age, and even big sisters or big brothers are some of the people that don’t need to be licensed babysitters to watch certain kids. Why? Because they’re FAMILY.
And one of the things that still bothers me to this day was that after your mother got remarried, she tried to tell you that your last name had changed. Once again, that’s wrong.
Every time that I came to see you, your mom either wanted to tell me what to do, or even go with us. That’s not how it works. The judge makes the rules, not your mom, and not me either. Do you remember when she demanded to follow us to Florida so she could see my house? Many states have laws against that – It’s called stalking. Why did your mom want to see my house? There’s no reason. What is the purpose? There is none. There’s no need for her to see my house – we are divorced. Your mom no longer has any right to be apart of my life, to see how I live, or to see where I work. She lost that right when we became divorced. Any attempt to do otherwise is called stalking, and there are plenty of laws against that.
I could very easily have let her follow us part way, and then called the police to take her to jail for stalking. But I didn’t want to do that – that’s why I had a friend of mine who is also a Sheriff follow me out to your house when it was time for me to pick you up. I wanted him to explain to your mom what would happen if she made an attempt to follow me. In short, we are divorced and we should be living our own separate lives. I have moved on with my life – it’s time for your mom to move on with hers.
During my Christmas visit with you in 2002, I was supposed to see all four of you, but for whatever reason, your mother refused to let me see Jessica, using the excuse that “she don’t know you.” Well, that is even more of a reason for me to see Jessica, so that she could get to know me, her father. I told your mother that if she didn’t let me see Jessica that we were going back to court. Well, she didn’t let me see Jessica, so we went back to court. It took two long years, but we finally made it back to court. More on this later.
In our divorce, the judge said what days and weeks of the year I get to see you – ALL of you. Not who your mother decided I could see, but ALL of you. I took your mom back to court because she wouldn’t let me talk to you on the phone, and she wouldn’t let me see you when the judge said I could. Do you remember me telling you about why we went to court? I told you that we went to court because your mom and I couldn’t agree, and that the judge was going to make a decision, and your mom and I would have to abide by it (follow his rules). I’ll talk more about the court case later.
Do you remember just before you came here for your first
visit of the summer of 2003 when your mother told you someone died from SARS
near my home? Again, I know you may not believe me because you don’t live
with me, and you want to believe your mother, but no one died from SARS in
Florida, in fact, no one died from SARS in the
Do you also remember that just before that trip how your mother told you that there were still bad pilots out there who wanted to kill you? What a horrible thing to say to a child. I got a real laugh Krista when you called your mom after we landed in Tampa and told her “Hi mom, it’s me, we landed in Tampa OK and we didn’t catch SARS and no one tried to crash the plane.” Oh I couldn’t have said it better myself. Kids do say the darndest things. But here is a little page of some facts that many people don't know.
Jessica was supposed to be with us on that trip too. But once again, your mother decided that she wasn’t going to let Jessica come on the trip. Of course, there wasn’t much I could do about it at the time. Your mom hadn’t been served with court papers yet, so she thought she was OK. While you guys were here visiting me for that first visit of 2003, your mother was served with papers – that means she was told that we were going to court.
I thought things would change after your mom was served, but it didn’t. When I came to pick all of you up for the second visit of the summer of 2003, your mother told me that she checked with the airline and that she found out that I didn’t buy a ticket for Jessica so she didn’t pack anything for her. Do you remember the big fight that your mother and I had when I came to pick you up at the fairgrounds? Well, I told your mother that I didn’t buy Jessica a ticket because I wasn’t going to spend $300 on a ticket that wouldn’t get used, but I had no problem buying a $450 ticket that would get used. Airlines charge more for tickets the longer you wait to buy them. Airlines want people to buy tickets weeks and even months ahead of schedule. They charge people who wait until the last minute to buy tickets much more. Back on track: I then told your mom that if she was serious about letting Jessica come to Florida that we were staying at the Fairfield Inn in St. Charles, and that we were leaving for the airport at 7:30 in the morning. And that if she made it there by then, great, but if she didn’t then it’s just another charge that’s going to be added. That’s what started the fight. Because I took back control, and I didn’t lose my temper. As you know, your mother and Jessica never showed up by the time we left for the airport.
Finally, in December of 2003, when I came to see you just before Christmas on the third weekend of December, I finally got to spend some time with ALL of you. And I finally started getting to talk on the phone with all of you on a regular basis – even Jessica. I guessed your mother was finally starting to listen to her attorney.
All of you even came out for the first summer visit of 2004, when Lynn and I got married. We had a great time on the Starlight Majesty, didn’t we? Do you remember all the dolphins?
It was funny, because once again, just before you came out here, your mother was ranting on again about the 21-day limit of our time together – demanding that I bring you home on Friday. How many times do we have to go through this? This time, I pushed it a little further – Sunday was my birthday, and you guys stayed here for my birthday, but I took you home the next day. Your mother was mad. Why? Because you spent time with your father on his birthday? How ridiculous is that? The courts consider birthdays “special days,” and nearly every court makes allowances for special days. In other words, I did nothing wrong by not traveling on my birthday. Besides, you got to spend some extra time with Uncle Dick and Aunt Terry, Grandpa Bill and Grandma Rae, Aunt Micki, and your Cousins Heather and Brent.
It all started to go really bad in July, just before you were supposed to come out here for your second visit of the summer of 2004. You see, I was lulled by your mother, I actually thought that she was starting to realize that we were divorced, and I had every right to spend time with you – I thought she was beginning to come around so to speak. Our original divorce decree stated that the second visit of the summer is supposed to go the last three weeks of August. Little did we know it at the time, but the last three weeks of August is the first two weeks of school. So your mother and I talked and we agreed on a specific date and time for the second visit. Just like we did for the second summer visit of 2003.
Well, as I said, I was lulled, and thought your mother was coming around. So we set the date for the second visit of July 24th – that way you’d be home in time and have one week before school started. I agreed to pick you up on Saturday, July 24th, because your mom agreed to meet us at the airport when I dropped you off on Sunday August 15th. Otherwise, I was going to pick you up on July 23rd. It’s called compromise.
Well, Monday before I came to pick you guys up, I could see how it was going to play out. Kaitlin, you told me that you were going to show your dog at the St. Charles county fair on the 24th. Do you remember that? Maybe you were, but I don’t think so. I think that your mom told you to tell me that. Do you remember what I told you? I told you that plans were already made, and that everyone was supposed to come to Florida on the 24th. I was willing to change the date, but your mom was going to have to pay for the cost of the change in airline tickets – something that she refused to do.
But you didn’t show your dog at the St. Charles County fair did you? No, you didn’t. Not that year. Kaitlin, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not mad at you for lying to me. I’m mad at your mother for teaching you to lie. I called back on Tuesday to talk with your mother about the upcoming trip, and she told me that you were all going to the Audrain county Fair to show your sheep. When I asked what happened to the St. Charles County Fair for Kaitlin to show her dog, your mom hung up on me – her only defense after getting caught in a lie was to hang up on me.
When your mother and I spoke on Wednesday, she told me that you were going to the Adair County Fair. When I asked what happened to the Audrain County Fair and the St. Charles County Fair, she hung up on me again.
Your mother called me on Thursday to tell me to not bother coming to pick you guys up because you weren’t going to be there. I told her that I didn’t have a choice, I had to attempt to pick you guys up, or I would be the one in the wrong, and that if you guys weren’t there, that was her choice, and her decision, and she would have to answer for it. I told her that if I didn’t show up, she could lie in court and say “I waited around for him and he never showed up.”
So I went to pick you guys up, and you know what? You weren’t at the St. Charles County Fair, or the Audrain County Fair, or the Adair County Fair. You went to the Montgomery County Fair. So I ask you this: If you or your mother made all these plans, how on earth did you end up at the Montgomery County Fair when you planned to go to the St. Charles, Audrain, or Adair County Fairs?
The Second Agreement…
In December of 2004, we finally went back to court. Your mom didn’t go to jail, and neither did I. But, the judge forced your mom and I to change the rules of when I get to see you. It was hard for me to get to Missouri every third weekend of the month, so the judge set aside several three-day weekends for me to go to Missouri to see you. I get to see you every President’s Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, and Columbus Day weekend. I also get to see you every other Spring Break, and Every other Christmas. I also get to see you “starting from the last Friday in May to the 3rd Sunday in June (it being the intent of the parties that Petitioner have four weeks beginning the Friday of Memorial Day weekend and ending the Sunday after the fourth week) and from the Friday following the end of the Lincoln County Fair for two weeks but to include the Saturday and Sunday (at the end of the two weeks).” These are exact quotes from our agreement.
Krista, when you called to ask me about going to 4H camp during June of 2004, my answer was no for a couple of reasons. The first reason should be obvious by now. Everytime I have made an agreement with your mother, she has violated it. I am no longer willing to make any sort of agreement with your mother. Until your mother starts abiding by the rules and guidelines, I will stick to the rules and guidelines, and only by the rules and guidelines. Besides, we have 4H camp here in Florida too, and if it means that much to you, You can go to 4H camp here.
During that same conversation, you told me (well, your mother told you, I could hear her coaching you on what to say) that your visit with me would only be shortened by one day if you went to 4H camp in Missouri. Krista, I know what your mother told you that the first visit of the summer starts on the day school lets out for four weeks (28 days). Here we go again with the 7 days per week thing again. Krista, visitation starts on Fridays and ends on Sundays. The judge wanted to make it very plain and simple to your mother that visitations start on Fridays and end on Sundays, which is why the second agreement is worded the way it is worded. There is nothing to be confused about. But at your age, you don’t get to see and read the documents I am talking about. You can only take your mother’s word for it. If your reading this letter though, you will be able to see and read these documents for yourself.
If for some reason you don’t believe the copies of the documents I have posted on this website, you can always go to the Lincoln County Courthouse and look at the copies that are on file there. Of course, you’ll probably have to wait until you are 18 to do that. Here is a copy of our divorce decree, and here is a copy of our new agreement.
During the trial in December of 2004, your mother also agreed that she would allow me to have an uninterrupted phone call with each of you every week. Between the time we went to court in December of 2004 and the time you came here to see me in June of 2005, do you know how many times I had an uninterrupted phone call with each of you in the same week? Once. I can show you my phone records which show that during that six months I had only 5 conversations with you that lasted more than 15 minutes. Every time I called, regardless of what time it was, you were just sitting down to dinner, were going to bed, or were taking a bath. With odds like that, I should have won the lottery about a dozen times by now. I called your home or left messages on your answering machine over 150 times in that 6 months, but you only called me back less than 20 times. My phone company keeps track of all of my outgoing and incoming calls.
Spring Break, 2005…
Part of the agreement was that you were to come down to Florida during Spring Break every odd year. I bought your tickets and sent the itinerary to your mom, and was all set for you to come down. Then, Tuesday before Spring Break, Krista told me that Spring Break starts on Monday March 21st. Once again you were only relaying what your mother was telling you, because once again, I could hear her coaching you in the background. Once again, pickups go on Fridays, and drop offs go on Sundays. When your teachers let you go from school that Friday afternoon, what did they say? “Enjoy your holiday.” Spring Break started when school let out on Friday afternoon. But your mom took it one step further by stating that I didn’t get to see you on the third weekend of the month anymore – that part is true, however, holidays and special occasions override weekends. Just because this holiday started on the third weekend does not mean the holiday didn’t start. I told your mother that if you weren’t on the plane Friday, we were going back to court.
Your mother didn’t take you to the airport on Friday March 18th, 2005. And even though I rescheduled the tickets for Monday the 21st after you didn’t show up at the airport on Friday, you guys didn’t make it to Florida for Spring Break. Your mother, her attorney, my attorney, the Guardian Ad Litem the judge, and I were all in agreement in December of 2004 that you were old enough to fly alone and that you would fly alone to come to Florida.
So I did the only thing that I could do, and the only thing that I have done every time since our divorce was finalized when your mother interfered in our visitation with each other. I called the Lincoln County Sheriff and filed a report. Sometimes an officer would take my statement, other times the Sergeant on watch wouldn’t even take a statement – he simply said “it’s a family law issue, call your attorney.” This time, I talked with a deputy that knew deep down inside that what your mom was doing was wrong – to him, (name withheld) I owe the deepest gratitude. He took my report, and he submitted it to the Lincoln County Prosecuting Attorney.
It took two months, but the Prosecuting Attorney finally filed charges against your mom for what she did. Under Missouri law, it is a felony for one parent to prevent or interfere with visitation without just cause. Missouri Statutes 565.156 and 565.153 are child abduction and child kidnapping respectively. These statutes clearly spell out that what your mother did was not only in violation of the decree and stipulation but also against the law.
Maybe your mother figured that she could get away with it, after all, we had been to family court regarding her behavior, and unfortunately, the judge never followed the law. I know now that I should not have allowed the judge to bully me into making the agreement with your mom in December. I should have refused and let the judge make a ruling which would have been easily reversed and remanded on appeal (that means that the ruling would have been overturned and ordered back to court with instructions for the judge to follow the law).
About two months after the Prosecuting Attorney filed the charges, your mother was pulled over – perhaps for speeding, maybe for failing to signal, I don’t know. But your mother was pulled over and arrested for what she did back in March. It’s not because of what I did… I’m sure you’re being told that it is because of something that I did. I only did what I was told to do by my attorney. Each and every time that I went to pick you up and you weren’t there, I filed, or tried to file a report. That way, I would have documented proof that I was there, or documented proof that your mother was violating the decree. No kids, your mom spent the night in jail because of what she did.
But, while you’re still young, your mother will try to tell you that it’s all my fault, because this will cost her much more money, and she will tell you that I am taking food out of your mouths. Now that you’re old enough. Go back and re-read this. Understand that your hard life after our divorce was all a creation of your mother’s will. Why did you need 12 horses? At one point, you had 14. Why do you need that many? Horses are a luxury. A luxury that unemployed people can’t afford. And please, don’t try to tell me that your step-father makes a lot of money. Before we went to court in December of 2004, your mother and step-father had to submit financial affidavits. Your step-father makes $1,000 per month. I send your mother nearly twice that every month in child support. Everything that you have, and everything that they have is because of the money that I send every month. It’s money that is meant for you, but they use it and make you fight for scraps. You have no idea how painful that is for me.
And while your mother tells you that you don’t have any money, look around your house. Your mother and step-father have built a second barn because when your step-father uses Grandma’s barn, he has to be near Uncle Mike, and we all know your step-father doesn’t get along with your Uncle Mike, who is a wife-beater and drunk with 3 DUIs in the last 8 months (Most recently, June, 2005). Barns aren’t free, I would estimate that the barn that is being built is at least $20,000.
Maybe in September your mother and I will go to family court, maybe later; but I will be there, because you deserve to have regular and meaningful contact with both of your parents. And should the judge not find your mother guilty of contempt, I will appeal.
And when it comes time for your mother to go to criminal court for her actions, I will be there too, because your mother deserves to be punished for her criminal behavior. But most of all you deserve to live in a home where your needs are taken care of; where you can have new clothes and shoes when you need them – not the newest clothes from the second hand store. Where you can all have your own rooms, and where you can all do good in school (because I will help you do your homework instead of tending to the horses), and where you can all go on to bigger and better things in life.
Someday, you will understand that what your mother did was wrong – very wrong. Someday, you will know the truth. Someday, your mother will not only have to answer to the law for her actions, but she will also have to answer to God.