Loved and Lost
By Rebo Valence
Author's Notes-The star of this fanfic is Makoto. She's always had a
historyof being boy crazy, but haven't we all wondered who would be her
Mr. Right?Not just some crush, but someone who she was ready to spend her
entire life
with. The first person who comes to mind for most would be Shinozaki(Ken)
However, he's not a boyfriend and never will be. In her own words, "He's
more than a boyfriend." Shinozaki is like a brother to her. This story
takes place as excerpts of Mako's diary, to show her true feelings. At
times,
I will skip days or even weeks, because the story only concerns certain
events,
meaning that if one entry begins one month after the previous, it doesn't
mean
she hasn't written since then. This may get confusing, but it's for the
sake
of the story. Mako has just graduated from college here and she's 22 now.
=============================================================================
July 23rd
Dear Diary,
I've truly met the man of my dreams. I admit that I had some bad
feelings
trying another blind date, since the last one I had, Usagi fixed me up with
Umino's cousin. Juranaki Ryuki is so incredible. His soft purple eyes
match
his caring face with his short, dark blue hair. He's only a year older then
I. Let me start from the beginning. Usagi introduced him to me, telling me
he used to be Mamoru's roommate at the dorm at Harvard. An exchange student
there as well, they were close friends, and Ryuki is a very interesting man.
He wore a nice suit and tie, but not too fancy, which was just as well,
since
I wore my sea green blouse and black skirt tonight. He took me to see
"The Rose Garden," a romance that I'd hoped some wonderful man would take me
too. When it got to the part where Yumi's fiancé was shot by a jealous
girl,
Ryuki noticed I was shaking. As I wiped a tear from my eye, he handed me a
tissue. "It's okay to cry," he said, "It takes a strong woman to cry."
He called me a woman. Not just a girl. No man I've dated ever sees
me
as that. Ryuki almost read my mind when I felt I needed a strong arm to
hold
me as Deraku said his final words to Yumi. Throughout their relationship,
Yumi kept a secret from him she thought she could never tell, and as he lay
there, dying, she told him, through her tears. After the movie, rather than
taking me out, as most men do, he asked where _I_ wanted to go. "Well," I
said,
"we could just go to my apartment so you can try some of my tea."
I could feel my cheeks turning red. "I'd like to get to know you
better."
When we came home, I made the tea using an old recipe. After Ryuki
took
one sip, he told me that I made the best tea in the world. No man, besides
Mamoru and Shinozaki, has ever said this about my
cooking.
"Makoto," he said, "Do you keep this apartment up all by yourself?
I've
never seen a nicer place."
He grinned as I enjoyed the compliment. "It's always been a dream
of
mine," I said, "to become a good housewife."
"You're very good at it," he replied, "It's amazing such a wonderful
women as you doesn't have a boyfriend."
"I never meet the right guys," I answered without thinking, then
quickly
said, "Of course, I mean, you're really wonderful and I, uh, er,"
As I stuttered to correct myself, Ryuki, instead of getting mad,
started
laughing. A deep, wonderful laugh. Before long, I started laughing too.
It
felt wonderful to share a warm laugh with this man. After we both calmed
down,
we got to talking about each other. Ryuki is currently working on a
master's
degree in law, and he's almost got it. I, however, am done with college and
I'm currently trying to get a job at a corporation. When I told him I never
thought I was good enough, he told me "If you don't give up, you will
achieve
your dreams."
Finally, at almost 11:00, he left, after we made plans to go out
next
Wednesday to lunch. I can't wait. Diary, I've definitely found the man I
want
to spend the rest of my life with. I just know, deep within my heart.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
July 30th
Dear Diary
Ryuki and I went out for lunch at the Crown Fruit Parlor. Motoki,
believe
it or not, still works there, still hoping to get a master's degree in
medicine.
I introduced him to Ryuki. When Motoki said that Ryuki had picked up a cute
girl, I think I caught a tinge of jealousy in Ryuki's eye, and quickly told
about how I was currently applying to work at Jurai Corporation. It worked,
and Ryuki and I became absorbed in another conversation about our jobs and
our lives. By the end of lunch, I was sorry to have to go home, but I
needed to do some house cleaning. Maybe I should go over to Ryuki's
apartment
someday and cook for him. Heh, heh, it would have worked on Motoki all
those
years ago if it weren't for Reika.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
August 3rd
Dear Diary,
Today, Usagi and Mamoru and I and Ryuki spent the day at the
carnival
on a double date for Mamoru's birthday. It has been one of the most
wonderful
days of my life.
Mamoru dressed his usual way, minus the green jacket, and Usagi wore
a pink, short sleeved blouse and a soft red skirt that came down to her
knees.
Ryuki wore the same outfit he had on for our first date, while I chose my
black
shirt and green skirt(She wears this in a common picture of her.)
We started off by all sitting next to each other on the merry
go-round.
I chose a lovely light brown horse with a bright green saddle and jade
colored
eyes. Ryuki's was a strong blakc horse with a purple saddle and blue eyes.
The ride filled me with enjoyment, and though it got hard to see because
Usagi
sat in front of me and her long pigtails kept flying into my face, I spent
more
time watching Ryuki.
After that, we came to a game where we had to hit the weight up high
enough to hit the bell and win a prize. The man running was a greasy sort,
but I didn't worry about it. Ryuki handed me the hammer, and I grinned.
This has been the easiest game for me. I swung the hammer with all my might
and almost broke the bell. As Usagi cheered, Ryuki appeared flabbergasted,
and he tried at it as I picked out a prize. He didn't even come close. I
guess I felt embarrassed for showing him up, but Ryuki is truly a good
loser,
and he treated all of us to cotton candy. It was the best cotton candy I'd
ever tasted, and all because Ryuki had gotten it for me.
A wonderful thing happened after I threw away the paper cone when I
finished
it-Ryuki told me I had some cotton candy on my lips and he kissed it off.
I felt kind of woozy, like I'd pass out from the swirl of thoughts that
entered
my mind.
At the end of the day, both couples split up and sat together on the
Ferris wheel. As I stared down at the bright lights of the carnival, I
looked
lovingly at Ryuki. We were thinking the same thing. Before I knew it, we
were kissing passionately, only this time I knew I'd stay conscious. I
didn't
want to miss a minute of it. The moment came all too soon when we had to
get off
and let the next group on. Mamoru and Usagi were no different, as I read
from Usagi's rosy cheeks and starry eyes.
As Ryuki walked me to my front step, I thanked him for the best day of my
life.
Then, we kissed under the moonlight.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
September 7th
Dear Diary,
Today started off somewhat normally. I met Ryuki at the super
market
today as I was picking out a card to send to Ami in Germany. I hope she's
doing well in her studies. Anyway, he helped me pick out a lovely one and
he helped me carry my groceries home. He's such a wonderful man. As I
opened
the door to my house and set down my groceries, the phone rang. I picked up
the receiver. "Kino Residence?" I said.
"Is this Kino Makoto?" the male voice on the other end asked.
"Hai, she is speaking," I said, hoping they'd get to the point.
"Kino-san, are you feeling lucky?" he said, "Because you got the job
at
Jurain Corporation! You start next Tuesday at 9:00 am sharp! See you
there!"
"A...a...arigato...sir!" I said.
I lightly dropped the receiver to the floor as he hung up. Ryuki
walked
over to me. "Makoto," he said, "are you okay?"
I turned to him. "I got the job!"
Ryuki beamed. "I knew you would!"
Hugging him, I replied "You were right, I did work hard to get this
job,
and it's all because of you, Ryuki!"
We kissed softly. "Makoto," he said, "I think this calls for a
celebration."
I nodded. "Friday night, you and me are going to a dinner and movie
to celebrate!"
He laughed. "You read my mind, Mako-chan! I'll pick you up at 8."
As he left, I hung up the receiver, slowly. Diary, ever since I met
Ryuki, my life has been nothing but happiness. I only hope it will last
forever.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
September 20th
Dear Diary,
It is the first day of autumn already, and the leaves are changing
their
colors. The beautiful brown, orange, red, and yellow leaves make the city
so
beautiful. Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. The time
passes
so quickly, especially now that Ryuki and I have been dating. My new job
has
been hard, but I have a picture of Ryuki on my desk. It reminds me that if
I keep trying, I'll get through it all.
Today, Ryuki and I made plans for me to go over to his apartment to
givehim a "cooking lesson." I got better results this time. After I got off of
work, he picked me up in his green station wagon and drove me to his
apartment.
As I walked in, I noticed that while it needed some tidying up, it wasn't
nearly
as hopeless as Motoki's was. It only took half an hour to help him
straighten
things up, and he was very helpful, ready to listen to what I had to say and
doing a very good job. After that, it was on to the cooking. Together, we
made some chicken curry, though I didn't tell him I used Usagi's recipe.
Admittedly,
I did a cleaner job than her. The food tasted extra special because Ryuki
and I made it together. After dinner, we cuddled on the couch. As he held
me
in his arms, he called me Mako for the first time. Oh diary, my life is
just
a wonderful circus that never ends. Someday, when Ryuki and I are married
and living in a home of our own, we'll be able to do this everyday. I can't
wait.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
October 12th
Dear Diary
I still can't believe it. A left-over youma tried to attack some
innocent
citizens today, and Ryuki and I had been planning to meet for lunch. I was
half an hour late, and as I rushed into the restaurant, my eyes searching
for
him, I tried to come up with a good reason why I had to leave him. When I
sat
down, I told him that I'd gotten stuck in traffic. "Makoto," he said, "I
know
you're lying to me."
My heart nearly stopped. I swallowed. "What makes you think that?"
He looked into my eyes. "Mako," he said, "I know that look by now."
I looked down into my glass, not able to face him. "However," Ryuki
said, "if it's that bad, I'll wait until you're ready to talk about it."
I mentally thanked Kami-sama for this, then physically thanked Ryuki
for
understanding. However, now I'm nervous. Can he find out that I'm Sailor
Jupiter? And what will happen when I become a Senshi guarding Serenity?
I don't want to have to give him up for my duties as a Sailor Senshi. He
means
so much to me. And now, he knows I'm keeping secrets from him. I wish I
could
just forget my duties and tell him everything.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
October 31st
Dear Diary
This is the saddest I've felt in weeks. I'll start from the
beginning.
Haruka and Michiru held a Halloween Party at their new home, and all of us
who were still in Tokyo dressed as Sailor Senshi. However, to keep our
identities
secret, we dressed as different Senshi, except for me. I don't know why,
but I felt much more comfortable dressing as myself. I made my own fuku and
everything. It's not nearly as lovely as my real fuku, but it still looks
nice.
At least Ryuki thought so, and he's what counts! But tonight, he seemed
detached.
Even Usagi and Minako, Usagi dressed as Sailor V and Minako dressed as
Sailor
Moon, noticed something wrong. I figured that eventually, Ryuki would tell
me
why he felt unhappy. But after the third dance, I knew something was very
wrong
and he didn't want to tell me, since he could barely dance, occasionally
crushing my delicate toes. While Ryuki used the restroom, I walked over to
Haruka and Michiru, also dressed as each other, much as Usagi and Minako had
done. "Mako-chan," Michiru asked, "what's wrong?"
Haruka looked me in the eye. "It's Ryuki, isn't it?" she said.
I nodded slowly. "He won't tell me what's wrong, and I know
something
is," I explained, "It must be bad, because we almost never keep secrets from
each other."
Michiru looked thoughtfully to the balcony. "If he hasn't told you
yet,
then you'll have to corner him and get him to talk."
Haruka looked out to the same direction. "Hai, and there's just the
place," she said, "It's far enough from the party, and it's really quiet out
there."
As I stared out to the balcony, I heard Michiru tell me "Just don't
be
too hard on him."
At this moment, Ryuki emerged from the restroom. I confronted him.
"Ryuki," I said, "We need to talk."
He looked away. "Mako, please..."
But I wouldn't hear of it. "Please, Ryuki," I pleaded, "it really
hurts
to know that you're hiding something from me. Tell me, it'll feel much
better
then waiting until the last minute."
Ryuki nodded. "Can we go somewhere else?" he asked.
I lead him out to the balcony. Ryuki stared out for awhile at the
sea,
then turned to me. "Mako," he said, "I want you to know how much I love
you."
I stared out too, knowing he was stalling. I bit my lip, hoping it
wouldn't
be the moment our wonderful relationship ended. "I have to go to America,"
he said, "and I leave early in the morning."
I turned to him. "For how long?" I blurted out.
He looked down at the stone floor. "At least two months," he said,
"It's
so I can finalize my transfer to Tokyo University, and then I'll never leave
your side."
I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you,
Ryuki," I said, "for telling me."
He gazed into my eyes. I could see the hurt in them. "Ryuki," I
said,
"I'll write to you every day. And I'll wait until you return. I won't make
you sacrifice your dream stay with me. And...I love you...."
I found myself in his arms, kissing for what will be our last time
for
a while. Diary, I hope he comes back all right. I'll worry about him every
minute he's gone.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
November 7th
Dear Diary,
It's been an entire week since Ryuki has been in America, and it
feels
like an eternity. It's so strange to be without him, to not be comforted by
the thought that he is so close. I received a letter from him today,
however,
which comforts me. He said that he has enjoyed all my letters, and that he
is lonely as well. But he told me that he is going to be strong, and he
wants
me to be strong for him too. I will try, for Ryuki. But it hurts to be
strong.
On a much happier note, I received a letter from my childhood
friend,
Shinozaki. He has been away studying in France, but we've kept in touch.
He
said that he hopes to return to Tokyo soon, to see me. My onii-san*, he has
always
watched over me, even millions of miles away. Now, he can come home.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
*Author's note-Onii-san means an older brother, so in this case, she sees
Shinozaki
as her older brother, though they have no blood relation.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
November 14th
Dear Diary,
I have the most wonderful news! Shinozaki has finally returned from
France! I haven't felt this happy since Ryuki's been gone. Shinozaki was
so glad to see me, and it has been a year since I last saw him. As we left
the airport, though, he noticed something wrong and asked about it.
"Shinozaki," I said, "my lover has gone to America for two months,
and
I miss him so much."
He flashed a grin at me. "Which one are you onto now?" he joked.
The look of I gave him quickly changed his manner. "Gomen nasai,
Mako,"
he apologized, "I didn't realize you found the right one."
He looked away, then turned back to me. "Tell me about him."
As I walked to his apartment, I told him everything about Ryuki. I
have always known I could confide in Shinozaki. I didn't realize how long
I'd
been talking about Ryuki, for it seemed like such little time had passed
when
we reached Shinozaki's front door.
"Well," he said to me, "it seems that you've finally found a great
guy."
I nodded. "Yes, I feel I'm ready to spend my entire life with him."
Shinozaki looked at me, happy. "I'm so glad that you've found a
great
guy," he said, "As soon as he comes back, I'd like to meet him."
"Hai," I said.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
November 21
Dear Diary,
It's almost a week until my birthday. I can't wait! It's such a
shame
Ryuki won't be home in time for it. He promised to send me a birthday card
though. His birthday is Christmas Day, December 25th. Shinozaki and I have
just been reminiscing about the days gone by. I've confided in him more and
more about Ryuki. Shinozaki always listens to me. I'm going to be visiting
Rei in a few days and get a fire reading. Maybe she can tell me how soon
Ryuki will return.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
November 30th
Dear Diary
I can't sleep. I have never been so frightened before. I have had
Shinozaki stay with me lately so I can try and feel safer. But it's not
working.
Rei did a fire reading for me two days ago. She chanted to the flames, then
started gasping for breath. I asked her what was wrong.
"Ryuki," she panted, "it's about Ryuki."
I knew in my heart something was wrong. "Rei," I said, "Please tell
me."
She shook all over. "Mako-chan," she said, "I...I can't do that to
you."
I was taken back at her premonition. "Are you sure?" I asked
hopefully.
Rei shook her head. "It might not come true. There's a small
chance,"
she said, but I knew she was just trying to spare me the hardship.
Diary, ever since that day, I've been so nervous. It's now 12:00
AM,
but I still can't get any sleep. I'm worried about Ryuki. The sooner he
returns,
the better. Then I can feel comforted by him, to know that he is safe.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 6th
Dearest Diary,
I don't believe it. I still can't believe it. Ryuki....he's...
He was coming home early, to surprise me. I was invited over to Haruka and
Michiru's home, presumably to pick up a cake. It was 6:00 p.m. I walked
into
their home, noting the eerie silence. As I walked into the living room,
everyone
jumped out, yelling "Surprise!"
I was overjoyed, and ten I said that I wished Ryuki could be here.
Usagi
chuckled, though I didn't know why. As we played games, she seemed
impatient.
An hour passed. She seemed to be expecting someone. Then the telephone
rang.
I was standing next to it, so I picked it up. "Is this Kino Makoto?!" a
woman
on the other end asked.
I waved my hand for everyone to quiet down, though it didn't help.
"Hai," I answered.
She choked. "Juranaki Ryuki was in a car accident tonight, and he
is
in the emergency room for immediate operation."
Suddenly, I didn't notice the noise. Everything around me stopped.
"What? But how did you know I...?"
"He kept calling your name, and we found an address listed on a
scrap
of paper in his wallet that gave the phone number of this place."
I swallowed hard. "I'll be right there..." my voice broke as a
released
my grip on the receiver.
As it crashed to the floor, everyone stared at me as my vision
blurred
from the tears in my eyes. As I felt myself shaking from the sobs, I
continued
to scream out his name, in agony. I wanted to be there with him!
Haruka drove me to the hospital to see him. I sat in the back seat,
crying onto Shinozaki's shoulder. Usagi sat on my other side, and everyone
else followed behind in Mamoru's car. As I cried, I know all I talked about
was Ryuki. Not a word was said from anyone. I'm glad they said nothing. I
only wanted them to listen to me.
As Haruka's car pulled up to the front of the hospital, I suddenly
bolted out of the car. I had to be with Ryuki. As I ran through the busy
halls of the hospital, I didn't pay attention to anything or anyone. To me,
they did not exist. Finally, I came to the desk in the waiting room of the
Emergency Room. "Nurse!" I shouted to her, "Please take me to Juranaki
Ryuki!"
She shook her head. "Gomen nasai, miss," she replied, "He's in the
operation room. They had to operate right away to hope to save him."
I pounded my fist to the counter. "Will he make it?" I sobbed.
The nurse looked down, not answering. I felt a strong hand on my
shoulder,
Shinozaki's. "Mako," he said, "there's nothing more we can do. We can wait
until they let us in if you want."
I stared into his eyes, and I hugged him. I needed someone to hug.
Someone like Ryuki. I had Usagi bring you, my dear diary, up here so I
could
write this to you, to try and calm down. I have no more to write right now.
It's 1:00 a.m., but it doesn't matter what time it is. One minute feels
like
forever. Ryuki means everything to me. I can't lose him now.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 6th
2:00 a.m.
Dear Diary,
I know I've already written an entry to you, early this morning.
I've
been reading over my older entries. As I remembered the times I kept my
secret
from him, I realized that while he was understanding of my needs to keep a
secret,
I had forced the truth out of him on Halloween. As the moonlight reflects
through the window, I know what I must do. I will talk to Usagi about this.
I'll need her help.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 6th
3:00 a.m.
Dear Diary,
I don't know how to write the events of this evening. They swirl
around
through my mind. After I wrote my last entry, I told Usagi my plan-I would
use her Moon Pen to disguise myself as a nurse and see Ryuki. Then, I would
tell him everything. Usagi looked nervously. "Mako-chan," she said, "Are
you
sure this is the right thing?"
I nodded slowly. "Usagi, I know in my heart that if I lose him, I
want
him to know who I really am," I answered.
She sighed, but I think she knew how I felt. She felt through her
purse
and pulled out the pen. "Try using the bathroom to change," she whispered
to
me, "And good luck."
I walked into the restroom, checked it to make sure nobody was
inside,
and then I took a deep breath before changing.
"MOON POWER! TURN ME INTO A NURSE!"
I checked myself over. The white nurses outfit looked genuine. I
was
now ready to see Ryuki. As I walked through the halls, the other hospital
workers ignored me. I finally found Ryuki's room. They had finished
operating,
so now he was in a normal hospital room. I peeked in through the side of
the
door. Only Ryuki lay there. It was heart breaking to see him there, with
all the needles in him, the heart monitor beeping. Slowly, I turned the
handle,
and walked in.
He lay motionless, but as I came closer his eyes opened.
"Mako-chan?"
he said, his voice strained.
I took out my henshin wand. "I have something to tell you," I said,
"I'm ready."
"JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER! MAKE-UP!"
I sat down next to his bed, in my sailor fuku, pouring out the story
of
my double life as the Senshi of thunder. As I spoke, I held his hand, and
looked
into his eyes. I knew I was losing him. "Ryuki," I finished, "I'm
sorry....
I didn't tell you sooner."
He smiled faintly. "Mako," he said, "I knew somehow that you were
special.
I hope....I don't cause you too much sorrow....when I pass on..."
I cradled his hand closer to mine. "Please," I said, "don't leave
me
all alone."
"I never will," he said, "we'll always be together, united in our
hearts.
I'll watch over you from the heavens until the day comes that we'll be
united
again at last."
I felt a tear go down my face. Slowly, I leaned over, and we
kissed,
for what I knew in my heart was the last time. The heart monitor started
beeping slower, and as I left the room, it rang one long sound that never
ended.
At 3:47 a.m., Ryuki passed away. I feel an empty feeling in my
heart.
A part of me has died with him. I had changed back to civilian ID, running
to get a doctor, hoping there was still time. For 30 minutes, they tried
everything,
every medical procedure they knew, but all was in vain. I came in to see
him
for the last time. The needles had been removed, and he looked like he was
sleeping. He looked so peaceful, so delicate. I sat by his bed, but he did
not awaken.
I held his hand, now so cold. I held it to my cheek, hoping to warm
it. Yet, it continued to grow colder. "Ryuki," I whimpered, before
breaking
down into raging sobs.
"Why?! Why did you leave me?! I loved you!! I LOVED YOU!!!" I
shouted
over and over again.
I was taken out of the room, out into the hallway. "RYUKI!!!!!" I
screamed.
Shinozaki held me back, trying to keep me calm, but there was nothing he
could
do to ease my pain. Ryuki is gone...he's left peacefully, but now I have
nothing left. My heart feels like it's been broken, and unable to be
repaired.
Or I feel that I'm a puzzle, and now the most important piece of me has been
lost. Why?! Why did he have to go?! All I can ask is why, knowing that
I'll
never get an answer.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 7th
Dear Diary,
As the pain continues to swell in my heart from losing Ryuki, I feel
I
can't continue. Tonight, I wanted to join Ryuki, to not have to live with
the horrible fate of being separated forever. I rummaged through the
medicine
cabinet, quietly, until I found what I wanted-a razor blade. I picked it
up,
then ran my finger across it, the sharp edge leaving a neat cut that began
to
bleed slowly. I brought the razor to my wrist, a smile coming to my face.
As it was only a centimeter away, a strong hand gripped my wrist that held
the
razor. Shinozaki's hand. Undaunted, I tried to push my free wrist into the
razor, but he grabbed that one too. I started shouting, screaming, trying
to
get loose. He finally wrenched the razor out of my hand and put it in his
pocket.
Damn him! Why won't he let me die?! Doesn't he understand that I have to
be
with Ryuki?! I yelled at Shinozaki, told him I never wanted to see him
again.
He looked hurt, yet he refused to leave me alone. He can't possibly
understand
my pain. He has never lost someone so important. I have lost the only
person
I have ever truly loved. My life is messed up. There is no God in heaven,
there is only a hell, a hell that takes away everyone I love.
-Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 10th
Dear Diary,
I have locked myself in my room, refusing to come out since
yesterday.
If I can't kill myself any other way, I'll starve myself, honorably, and
I'll
be damned if I come out. Usagi and the others have been trying to get me to
come out. The only voice I haven't heard is Shinozaki's. Maybe he finally
did leave. That's good, now he can't stop me from being with Ryuki again.
Soon, my love. I feel myself growing weaker every day, getting closer to
death. When it comes, I shall embrace it, like I did Ryuki. Then I'll see
my love for all eternity. We'll burn in hell together.
-Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 11th
Dear Diary,
I heard the final voice today. A voice of extreme sadness.
Shinozaki's.
He finally spoke to me, trying to help me. At first I didn't listen.
"Shinozaki,"
I yelled, "I don't want to see you ever again! You don't know what I've
lost!"
Pause, then I heard him. "Mako-chan," he said, using my childhood
pet
name, "Right now, I'm losing someone who has meant the world to me. Ever
since
we were young, we've been there for each other. You are my sister to me,
the
only family I have left. Please, Mako. Stop this now. You may not have
him,
but," he paused, "you have your onii-san. And I'll do whatever I can to
ease
your pain."
I stood up, feeling the hot tears come to my eyes once more as I
realized
how cruel I'd been to him, someone who I'd told everyone was "More then a
boyfriend."
We both had lost our families, so since we met, we looked out for each
other,
as brother and sister. When a man broke my heart, in the middle of a
rainstorm,
who was there, holding an umbrella over my head, to stand by and reassure
me?
Tears ran down my cheeks as I remembered the day he left to go to France.
It was the first time in our lives that we had been so far apart. Were it
not for Usagi and everyone, I would have never made it.
"Mako-chan," he said, snapping my mind back to attention, "If you
still
want to do this, I won't stop you anymore."
Silence. "Just, wait for me to leave," he choked on the last words,
"So I don't have to be witness to this."
I turned the brass knob slowly and pushed open the door. Shinozaki
looked
at me with red eyes and a wet face. He was crying too. "Shinozaki...."I
said, "Onii-san..."
We talked on the couch until morning, crying and remembering. I
promised
him that no matter what, I would not allow myself to do this to him. I have
only just now realized how much I need my onii-san.
-Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 15th
Dear Diary,
Ryuki's funeral was today. I never realized how many people's lives
he
had touched by his big heart. Friends and family from Japan and America
all came to say goodbye to a wonderful man. I met his mother finally. His
his only living parent, Juranaki Tarati had his eyes and her hair that fell
gracefully over her shoulders shared the same color as her now departed
son's.
She wore a black dress and veil, as did I. Her sad eyes told me of a heart
filled with pain and sorrow. I guessed her age to be about 50, but she
appeared older.
I talked with her briefly, telling her who I was.
"Oh!" she said, "You must be that wonderful young lady Ryuki told me
about so much when he was visiting me in America."
"You live in America?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied, "He didn't tell you? I've been living there ever
since he'd gone to Harvard. I fell in love with the place, and decided to
stay there permanently."
Her eyes fell to a small, dark green felt box she held. "He wanted
to
give this to you on your birthday," she said, handing me the box.
I opened it to see....a gold ring, set with a beautiful emerald. I
gasped.
"He told me how much he loved you," she said, ""He came to see me, to tell
me,
to make sure it was all right. I gave him my blessing. I felt so proud of
him for finding a wonderful girl. I'd never seen him more happy and filled
with life."
I felt tears begin to well in my eyes as I carefully removed the
ring
from the box. Trembling, I slipped it onto my finger. It sparkled in the
sunlight. As I stared at it, I broke down, crying. Tarati hugged me,
crying
with me. It felt good to cry, to let the pain heal. At that moment, I knew
I was not alone. Someone else was feeling my pain. And now, I finally feel
ready to try and continue in my life. And the sky opened up, allowing a
single
ray of the sun to shine on the ring, letting the small emerald glow as it
basked
in the light's brilliance. And I decided that maybe I'm wrong about the
lack
of heaven. Perhaps there is no hell.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 24th
Dear Diary,
I returned to work today, to find my desk a small Christmas tree
sitting
on my desk, on top was a small star with a tiny picture of Ryuki on it. A
lovely card lay next to it. I can't recall it all right now, but I remember
that as I read it, my eyes welled with tears again, tears of joy. I finally
knew that I was not alone. These people, my friends, they will be there to
help me through this tragedy. The woman in the cubicle next to mine walked
over to me. I hugged her, crying my tears, finally knowing that inside I
was
healing. She spoke nothing, no words were needed. She had to have been
part
of this, I know it. My co-workers have all done their best to comfort me
when
I need their friendship the most. I've lost count of how many reminders I
keep receiving, telling me the same thing-I am not alone. And every time I
go home to my apartment, Shinozaki reminds of this just by his presence-I am
not alone.
-Yours Truly, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
December 25
Dear Diary
I have thought about Ryuki's last words. As the last few weeks
without
him have passed, I've realized that he isn't really gone. A part of him is
still within my heart, and the ring Tarati-mama gave me has only
strengthened
that bond. Shinozaki and I are soul mates, yet I didn't realize how close
until
I almost lost him to my own selfish desires. Though I will always be pained
by Ryuki's passing, a more powerful love will last for eternity guides me
along.
I till feel Ryuki with me, urging me to continue on with my life, not to
give
up. I can't let him down.
Today is his birthday, and all I have to offer him is the love and
the
knowledge that he did not die in vain, and that he and I are united in
spirit,
and shall never be separated again. I look to the future with a happy
heart,
and I shall never forget the time that God gave me to be with Ryuki. And
the
ring he meant for me? To seal our love? I have never taken it off. I know
that no single man in this world will ever replace Ryuki, so I wear it as a
sign that I am married to Ryuki's spirit, never to any other living man.
I remember now hearing a legend that when people with good spirits
die,
they become stars, watching over their loved ones. Tonight, when I looked
out
at the star studded sky, I found the planet Jupiter. And next to it was a
new, small but brilliant star. Ryuki, my guardian angel. And last but not
least, I have you dear diary, a history of our first date, our special
times,
and our last moments together in the hospital. And now, I end this tale of
love and tragic romance. This will be my last entry to you, and I shall
move
on, because I want to treasure you for ever as my memories of Ryuki.
-Yours for all eternity, Kino Makoto
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
THE END
"It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's the end. Sad that Ryuki died? I feel it's better this way. I would
have cheated out if I had gone along with an intention for Ryuki to survive,
albeit crippled. At first he was supposed to die, then I thought about
keeping
him alive and even changed the name of the story to "Love Me Forever" then I
changed it back again and went along with my original intentions. This
makes
it more final, and it almost capture a part of Mako that so many overlook.
That behind that boy crazy exterior is someone who is looking to be loved,
and
she found Ryuki to be that one. Even when she thought she'd lost him, he
really
never left, for her memories of him and of course, her diary, would allow
him
to leave on this plain in her heart. I hope you were touched by this story,
and yes, listening to "My Heart Will Go On" from the Titanic soundtrack
helped
me in getting the mood, and what originally inspired me to write this is
Janet
Jackson's "Together Again"(Is that the right title?), along with the part
about Ryuki being a star watching over her. All questions and comments
should be
sent to Rebo1234@aol.com. Sayonara, sweet readers. (
geocities.com/thundersenshijov)